Family Day in Canada -- yesterday

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Yesterday we celebrated Family Day in Canada. This statutory holiday was first observed here in February 2008. It always falls on the third Monday of February. My first thought  at the time -- my jaded, pessimistic first thought -- was that this would be just another opportunity for Hallmark to make a bunch of money. I didn't object to a mid-winter break; a three-day weekend is rarely a bad thing.

But the negative little corner of my mind has had a pleasant surprise this year. I've heard from a number of people that they did actually use the day to do something special with family. They played with their kids. They visited an estranged fathers and grandfathers. They got together for games and other fun. What refreshing news! In our family, I put on a big feast for our gang, and though it needed to be on Saturday, I still thought of it as our Family Day celebration.

So I've learned a little lesson here. Although, of course, most of us would hope we'd love and enjoy our families every day of the year, setting aside a special day does seem to have drawn attention to that hope. I'm so happy many people took the friendly reminder/opportunity to focus on their loved ones, to heal old rifts, to have some fun together.

I feel certain that such positive actions have ripple affects, some of which we may never see ourselves. But to me that's just fine. Love and fun and laughter and forgiveness carry their own wonderful energy. I don't have to understand it. I don't have to control it. I don't even have to do it.

But I'd rather do love, fun, laughter, and forgiveness than their opposites. So, Happy Today. Fill it up with some good stuff, and the ripples will bubble away from the centre of you to who knows where.....

Change -- a journalling exercise

Monday, January 24, 2011

Some people say that change is one of the few things we can count on. In any case, change affects us all in different ways at different times and in different circumstances. Sometimes we like change, such as when an unpleasant person becomes more pleasant. Sometimes we don't like change, such as when we have to move away from a beloved home. And no matter how we feel about it, we change often in the course of growing up and getting older.

Set aside some time to consider how you have changed in the last five, ten, or twenty years...and what affect those changes have had. Think about the changes you consider to be "good," as well as the ones you think of as "bad" or "negative."

First, write down all the big and small changes you can think of. Decide how many of them you want to look at closely. One? Three? All of them?

Then, for each change you decide to examine, answer the questions below, taking time to muse and remember:

1. Was the change fairly easy to deal with, or was it hard?
2. Did you react to this change differently than ususal?
3. If you resisted the change, what did you think and do in your resistance -- refuse to discuss it, get really busy, take out your feelings on others? How did you feel -- afraid, satisfied, angry, resentful, excited, willing, sad, ashamed, etc.?
4. If you accepted or enjoyed the change, what did you feel, think, and do to help the change occur?
5. How did the change affect other people? How did you feel about those affects at the time?
6. At this moment, how do you see the change and its results? What do you think and feel about it? Do you feel differently now than you did when the change occurred?

Self-evaluation like this fosters growth and healing. It provides opportunities to understand the nature of change and to embrace, or at least accept it, as a natural part of life. Through self-examination we find wisdom and forgiveness. Our fears can diminish because we learn to see change as a normal process.

You might have uncovered old feelings of guilt or shame while doing this exercise. This isn't unusual, and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means you're human. We're very good at burying unpleasant feelings, often because we don't know what to do with them at the time we feel them. This journalling exercise gives you a chance to re-examine your difficult feelings; the gift of time might have given you new perspectives or emotional skills. Use these to help yourself understand and deal with old pain. You might find help in earlier posts I've written. To read more about dealing with guilt, click here. To read more about dealing with shame, click here.

If you have trouble coming to terms with past changes, feelings, or actions, I encourage you (as always) to talk with a trusted friend or counsellor. Sometimes another person's perspective can be very helpful.

Mothers & Families

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Today is Mother's Day in many parts of the world. With a varied history in North America and elsewhere, this day of honour and celebration is observed for various reasons -- familial, political, societal, emotional. It is also celebrated at different times; in fact, July and September seem to be the only months in which it is not celebrated somewhere.

A related holiday called National Family Month is sponsored by KidsPeace, an American "private charity dedicated to serving the behavioral and mental health needs of children, families and communities."  National Family Month is celebrated annually from Mother's Day to Father's Day and "encourages family relationships and focuses on developing healthy, confident kids."

Holidays such as these strike a strange chord within me. They remind me a bit of Valentine's Day, which I wrote about on February 13th and 14th. The concept is great: love and honour the ones around you, and demonstrate your appreciation.

What gives me pause is that the reality on the other 364 days of the year often doesn't match the concept on the one day. Mothers (and non-mothers) are still being beaten, manipulated, raped, marginalized, and descriminated against 365 days a year. Children are getting the same treatment on the same days. Some fathers get the same treatment, as well. Even with so much social programming and nice little holidays, families are in big trouble. Individuals are in big trouble.

However, ranting solves nothing (as satisfying as it can be once in a while). On the other hand, actions -- one person's actions -- can solve something. I can do my own healing and recovery work so that I no longer carry the shame that others shovelled onto me when I was a child. I can accept responsibility for my own choices. I can show kindness to my mother, no matter what happened in the past. I can forgive a father whose harm to me is incalculable...because I have shaped new beliefs about life, relationships and myself. I can honour and enjoy my children, stepchildren, and grandchildren for the worthy beings they are. I can extend a hand to the fathers and mothers I know, especially when they're having tough times.

These actions are the best way I know to truly honour myself and others as mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, children, and so on. Not that a sweet card and a fistful of flowers does any harm. They just mean so much more when they're backed up by action during the rest of the year.

Forgive Mom & Dad Day

Friday, March 18, 2010

My calendar of observances tells me today is Forgive Mom & Dad Day. Now, depending on your mom and dad, you might be thinking:

• No damn way. (or harsher words to that affect)
• There's nothing to forgive; they did a good job.
• I'm working on it...
• What parents?
• They did their best. I can live with that.
• What mom?
• What dad?
• etc.

I certainly can't list all the wrongs a parent can commit. I know. I'm a parent. I had/have parents (one is still with us, while the other passed away many years ago.) I have taught and counselled parents, have loved ones who are parents, and have taught the children of parents. Parenting mistakes come in many, many forms.

Fortunately for the human race, so do parenting successes. Please be assured I do not say this from the viewpoint of someone who grew up in a functional, wondrous household. Quite the opposite, though we did also have some great times when I was a kid.

What I have come to believe about forgiveness is this:

1. Forgiveness means acknowledging that someone made a mistake. Period. Nothing too esoteric about it, as far as I can tell. I searched for a long time to understand what forgiveness is, and this is the closest I've come. It works very well for me.
2. I make mistakes all the time, and I'd rather not be condemned for them.
3. I sometimes learn from my mistakes.
4. I'm no different than anybody else. So if I can make mistakes and want to be forgiven and might learn from my mistakes...the same is true for every other person.
5. Therefore, I can forgive another person.
6. I do not want to walk around carrying blame and righteous indignation and resentment, so it's to my advantage to forgive.

That's how I see it now. It took decades, but I have forgiven my parents for being imperfect and for making some pretty big, painful, harmful mistakes, as well as a whole bunch of little ones. I'm also learning to forgive myself as a mom for my own load of errors. It all gets better if I let it.

What do you think of forgiveness? How does it operate, or not operate, in your life?

Noteworthy March Days

March 1, 2010

Here it is already -- the beginning of a new month and time for me to pull out March's observations. They arise from Canada, the U. S. and other countries. Some have sponsors and are advertised and observed in an official way. Others apparently don't have a sponsor; I guess some individual or group just thought they'd be a good idea.

As I said in my January and February posts, people love to mark special events, days and people, so I've opted to give them a bit of "air-time" on my blog. I only mention observations related in some way to this blog, including the ones I think are quirky or that make me laugh. Balance, people, balance.

So, here are March's days of note:

• International Listening Awareness Month - We're not talking hearing but, rather, listening...with your ears, mind, heart and spirit. At least that's my very brief take on truly listening.
• International Women’s Day, March 8. More on this in days to come, but please check out the Canadian Status of Women website. "Strong Women, Strong Canada, Strong World."
• Well Elderly Day - I actually don't know the date of this one, but surely each of us can contribute to one elderly person's day in some good way. Any day would be great.
• Companies That Care Day - I find it ironic that no sponsor has been found for this one.
• Forgive Mom and Dad Day - One of my sons went to a great high school in Ottawa. Every morning, the principal -- who greeted every single kid by name in that very large school -- would finish each day's intercom announcements with the friendly admonition, "And remember...be nice to your parents." He was so well liked that one of the art students painted his likeness and his words on the wall in one of the main corridors. As a parent, I had to love the guy. As a daughter, I was nudged by his gentle reminders to do some forgiving of my own imperfect parents.
• National Problem Gambling Awareness Week - This American site contains pages and pages of valuable information about problem gambling.
• National Women's History Month
• National Ethics Awareness Month
• National Optimism Month
• Return The Borrowed Books Week, March 1-7 -- Go ahead. Do it. Root around under the bed and on the floor of the hall closet and find those long-overdue library books you've been too busy to return. Your librarian will love you. So will I.

And what, oh, what would this column of celebrations and observations be without one delightful oddity? March's prize for Wacky Observation of the Month goes to...drum roll, please...National Umbrella Month. I live in snow country, so the idea of honouring umbrellas in March seems a bit crazy, or premature, anyway. So, I figure this one may have originated in London, Vancouver or Seattle. Maybe they have rainy Marches and feel honour bound to celebrate their umbrellas.

In any case, have a great March -- whatever you celebrate.

Excuses, Excuses...?

Thursday, January 21, 2010

For some reason, I haven't been able to get anything written on this blog for the past week and a bit. Couldn't think of a topic, focused on other projects, whatever. I'm not sure. Sometimes I find it's hard to tell the difference between an excuse and a reason.

Was it reasonable to work on other writing projects so much that my committment to regularly write on my blog lapsed? Hard to say, since my committment to those other projects is strong, too. That might -- might -- count as a reason. Maybe the extra time daily tasks have taken as a result of living on crutches for the week constitutes a reason. However, because of the knee and the crutches, I've also spent a lot of time sitting...so maybe I could have gotten to the blog after all? Such a quandry. It's certain that playing those second and third games of solitaire (nearly every day) is an excuse. Okay, that was too easy.

In mulling this over, I've not only come up with a topic for today, I've also seen yet another way our upbringing, gender, culture, age and other factors affect us. Reasons and excuses are both closely tied up in what we have been taught about work and leisure, success and failure, a person's value. As life goes on, we add to those teachings or change them, but it can sometimes be hard to shake loose old ideas that don't actually work for us anymore.

So, for me? I'm deciding today to be grateful for the positive examples of encouragement, honest effort, and satisfying results with which I was raised and to add a dose of forgiveness. Then I'll try not to let this happen again, but if it does, I guess I'll have to consider writing about time management.