Change -- a journalling exercise

Monday, January 24, 2011

Some people say that change is one of the few things we can count on. In any case, change affects us all in different ways at different times and in different circumstances. Sometimes we like change, such as when an unpleasant person becomes more pleasant. Sometimes we don't like change, such as when we have to move away from a beloved home. And no matter how we feel about it, we change often in the course of growing up and getting older.

Set aside some time to consider how you have changed in the last five, ten, or twenty years...and what affect those changes have had. Think about the changes you consider to be "good," as well as the ones you think of as "bad" or "negative."

First, write down all the big and small changes you can think of. Decide how many of them you want to look at closely. One? Three? All of them?

Then, for each change you decide to examine, answer the questions below, taking time to muse and remember:

1. Was the change fairly easy to deal with, or was it hard?
2. Did you react to this change differently than ususal?
3. If you resisted the change, what did you think and do in your resistance -- refuse to discuss it, get really busy, take out your feelings on others? How did you feel -- afraid, satisfied, angry, resentful, excited, willing, sad, ashamed, etc.?
4. If you accepted or enjoyed the change, what did you feel, think, and do to help the change occur?
5. How did the change affect other people? How did you feel about those affects at the time?
6. At this moment, how do you see the change and its results? What do you think and feel about it? Do you feel differently now than you did when the change occurred?

Self-evaluation like this fosters growth and healing. It provides opportunities to understand the nature of change and to embrace, or at least accept it, as a natural part of life. Through self-examination we find wisdom and forgiveness. Our fears can diminish because we learn to see change as a normal process.

You might have uncovered old feelings of guilt or shame while doing this exercise. This isn't unusual, and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means you're human. We're very good at burying unpleasant feelings, often because we don't know what to do with them at the time we feel them. This journalling exercise gives you a chance to re-examine your difficult feelings; the gift of time might have given you new perspectives or emotional skills. Use these to help yourself understand and deal with old pain. You might find help in earlier posts I've written. To read more about dealing with guilt, click here. To read more about dealing with shame, click here.

If you have trouble coming to terms with past changes, feelings, or actions, I encourage you (as always) to talk with a trusted friend or counsellor. Sometimes another person's perspective can be very helpful.

It wasn't your fault

Monday, September 6, 2010

Sometimes a message is short and simple:

If you were abused in any way as a child, it was not your fault.

Though abusers want child victims to feel guilty and ashamed, it is always the adult who is responsible for the abuse.

If you would like to read more of my posts about abuse or find other resources, click here and here.

Sexual Abuse: A Powerful Secret

Friday, July 16, 2010

People who have been sexually abused or assaulted experience a wide range of feelings. Depending on the circumstances, it is very common to feel some or all of the following:

• confusion
• shame
• physical pain (often, but not always)
• fear, terror
• despair
• anger, rage
• guilt
• disgust
• sadness
• loneliness
• disconnection from self
• isolation from others
• hatred
• depression
• dread
• shock
• desperation
• a belief that she or he deserves the abuse
• betrayal
• abandonment
• a desire to protect siblings from the abuse
• guilt and/or relief when another sibling gets abused instead
• denial
• responsibility

This mix of responses to sexual abuse can be truly overwhelming. In addition, this terrible "package" is wrapped up in a powerful layer of secrecy. This secrecy might be conveyed by the abuser directly: "Don't tell anyone, or you'll really pay." Even when such threats are not spoken out loud, most victims feel so overwhelmed with the above feelings that they don't know how to tell or whom to tell. In many cases, they do not have the words to describe their experiences, or they can't see how anybody would believe them.

And so the secret gains power.

If no one knows about the abuse, no one can stop the abuse or help the victim. If it continues, the victim often finds ways to just keep getting up each day and trying to live as "normal" a life as possible -- school, play, work, relationships. He or she finds ways to cope after the abuse ends, too, and learns to believe it's been dealt with.

And so the secret gains power.

The years go by, and the terrible memories go deeper and deeper. Outward ways of coping, such as addiction, promiscuity, workaholism, depression, suicidal thoughts are blamed for life problems instead of being seen as very human long-term responses to earlier abuse, degradation and neglect.

And so the secret gains power.

Though this sort of pattern is common for many, it does not have to continue. At any time, someone who has been victimized can tell someone else about what happened. It is never, ever too late to tell. It's never too late to reach out and grab a helping hand. It's never too late to begin recognizing the past for what it was -- somebody else acting out his or her need to control.

The secret loses its power when you talk about the abuse. Telling is rarely easy at the beginning, but you can learn the skills needed to heal.

Over the years, I have often talked openly about the sexual abuse I lived with as a child. I have talked just as openly about what I've done to heal. Nearly every single time, someone has come up to me afterwards and said, "I never told anybody, but that happened to me, too."

And so the secret loses its power.

I encourage you to talk about what happened to you. It is not your fault if someone abused you as a child or assaulted you as an adult, and you no longer have to carry it alone.

Please talk to a counsellor, spiritual leader, police officer, friend or anyone you feel you can. If that person doesn't know how to help you, talk to someone else. Not everyone knows what to say or how to help, but many people do. And those people are ready, willing and able. Give them a chance to help you end the power of the secret.

Mothers & Families

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Today is Mother's Day in many parts of the world. With a varied history in North America and elsewhere, this day of honour and celebration is observed for various reasons -- familial, political, societal, emotional. It is also celebrated at different times; in fact, July and September seem to be the only months in which it is not celebrated somewhere.

A related holiday called National Family Month is sponsored by KidsPeace, an American "private charity dedicated to serving the behavioral and mental health needs of children, families and communities."  National Family Month is celebrated annually from Mother's Day to Father's Day and "encourages family relationships and focuses on developing healthy, confident kids."

Holidays such as these strike a strange chord within me. They remind me a bit of Valentine's Day, which I wrote about on February 13th and 14th. The concept is great: love and honour the ones around you, and demonstrate your appreciation.

What gives me pause is that the reality on the other 364 days of the year often doesn't match the concept on the one day. Mothers (and non-mothers) are still being beaten, manipulated, raped, marginalized, and descriminated against 365 days a year. Children are getting the same treatment on the same days. Some fathers get the same treatment, as well. Even with so much social programming and nice little holidays, families are in big trouble. Individuals are in big trouble.

However, ranting solves nothing (as satisfying as it can be once in a while). On the other hand, actions -- one person's actions -- can solve something. I can do my own healing and recovery work so that I no longer carry the shame that others shovelled onto me when I was a child. I can accept responsibility for my own choices. I can show kindness to my mother, no matter what happened in the past. I can forgive a father whose harm to me is incalculable...because I have shaped new beliefs about life, relationships and myself. I can honour and enjoy my children, stepchildren, and grandchildren for the worthy beings they are. I can extend a hand to the fathers and mothers I know, especially when they're having tough times.

These actions are the best way I know to truly honour myself and others as mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, children, and so on. Not that a sweet card and a fistful of flowers does any harm. They just mean so much more when they're backed up by action during the rest of the year.

Going Bonkers?

Friday, January 22, 2010

Is life getting to you? Are you looking for ways to lighten up and lighten the load? Then check out this great magazine called Going Bonkers? -- The self-help magazine with a sense of humor. Published out of Katy, Texas, this quarterly magazine is full of light-hearted yet reliable and accurate help with life's conundrums and calamities. From the Going Bonkers website:

Better than a pill....

Hotter than a stolen tamale…

Healthier than a carrot.....

More helpful than a hotline….

Articles cover a range of topics, such as:   

• Half a Mind -- Right Brain VS. Left Brain
• Shame Off You -- Four Steps to shame-free living
• Bam! Bang! Boom! -- When a Loved One Explodes from Anger
• Goodbye Friend -- Coping with the loss of a beloved pet
• The Black Hole -- Making the Best of a Ho-Hum Job

The articles do not use complicated concepts or fancy terms; they're straightforward and helpful without dragging the reader down. Regular monthly features such as "Bonkeroids" and "Wacky Wisdom" rely on brevity and levity (I couldn't resist) to carry serious messages. In addition, you can subscribe to the Going Bonkers? monthly newsletter, Bonkers Bits. I encourage you to check out Going Bonkers?.

Over the next two days, I'll post the two articles I've had published in the magazine to date.

Healing is Possible

If you have been sexually assaulted or abused, you might have experienced a range of physical reactions and results, such as:

• varying degrees of physical pain
• physical injuries
• no physical pain
• sexual pleasure (which can feel very confusing)
• physical numbness

In addition to those common physical feelings, most children, teens and adults who've been abused also feel:

• fear
• anger or rage
• shame
• guilt
• embarrassment
• dread
• isolation
• confusion
• "deadness" inside, lack of any feelings at all
• helplessness
• anxiety or nervousness

And in addition to all that, it's common for abused people to feel trapped by the abuser. The abuser might threaten to hurt another person or a pet, or to kill the victim as well as sexually assaulting him or her. Even if no threat is spoken, the abuse itself is a threat to safety, trust and security, so many victims say nothing.

Some people feel stupid for "getting caught," thinking they "should" have been able to predict or prevent what was going to happen. They feel they "should" have been able to fight the attacher off or avoid the attack.

Certainly, if you already knew the abuser, you might feel betrayed by him or her. And many people, especially children and adults who've already been victims of other physical violence, carry a deep feeling that they deserve to be assaulted in this way. They might feel responsible for the abuse.

If any of these responses to sexual abuse and assault sound or feel familiar to you, please know that although they are common reactions, you do not have to continue to feel this way.

You did not cause your abuse. You did not make someone else decide to attack you -- period. No matter where you were or what you wore or how old you were, you did not cause the abuse. You had the right to say "No" at any time, even if you were too afraid or  young or drunk or confused to say it out loud. Being unable to stop the abuse or assault is not the same as being responsible for the abuse or assault.

Help is available. You don't have to be alone. Many people are trained to help survivors of sexual abuse and assault.

Healing is possible. Absolutely. Many previous victims of abuse and assault have become able to live happy, secure, satisfying lives. They are free of the guilt, anger, shame and feelings of powerlessness created by the abuse.

You can move forward from where you are now.