Change -- a journalling exercise

Monday, January 24, 2011

Some people say that change is one of the few things we can count on. In any case, change affects us all in different ways at different times and in different circumstances. Sometimes we like change, such as when an unpleasant person becomes more pleasant. Sometimes we don't like change, such as when we have to move away from a beloved home. And no matter how we feel about it, we change often in the course of growing up and getting older.

Set aside some time to consider how you have changed in the last five, ten, or twenty years...and what affect those changes have had. Think about the changes you consider to be "good," as well as the ones you think of as "bad" or "negative."

First, write down all the big and small changes you can think of. Decide how many of them you want to look at closely. One? Three? All of them?

Then, for each change you decide to examine, answer the questions below, taking time to muse and remember:

1. Was the change fairly easy to deal with, or was it hard?
2. Did you react to this change differently than ususal?
3. If you resisted the change, what did you think and do in your resistance -- refuse to discuss it, get really busy, take out your feelings on others? How did you feel -- afraid, satisfied, angry, resentful, excited, willing, sad, ashamed, etc.?
4. If you accepted or enjoyed the change, what did you feel, think, and do to help the change occur?
5. How did the change affect other people? How did you feel about those affects at the time?
6. At this moment, how do you see the change and its results? What do you think and feel about it? Do you feel differently now than you did when the change occurred?

Self-evaluation like this fosters growth and healing. It provides opportunities to understand the nature of change and to embrace, or at least accept it, as a natural part of life. Through self-examination we find wisdom and forgiveness. Our fears can diminish because we learn to see change as a normal process.

You might have uncovered old feelings of guilt or shame while doing this exercise. This isn't unusual, and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means you're human. We're very good at burying unpleasant feelings, often because we don't know what to do with them at the time we feel them. This journalling exercise gives you a chance to re-examine your difficult feelings; the gift of time might have given you new perspectives or emotional skills. Use these to help yourself understand and deal with old pain. You might find help in earlier posts I've written. To read more about dealing with guilt, click here. To read more about dealing with shame, click here.

If you have trouble coming to terms with past changes, feelings, or actions, I encourage you (as always) to talk with a trusted friend or counsellor. Sometimes another person's perspective can be very helpful.

April Fool's Day

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Flash back to April Fool's Days in the '60s. My brothers and I would get up early and play tricks on our dad -- sugar in the salt shaker, salt in the sugar bowl. We thought we were so clever! Then we'd short sheet somebody's bed or "string" somebody's room. Stringing involved a very large ball of string which we would tie to any available space...starting at the back corner of the bedroom. Then we'd wind the string around curtain rods and drawer handles, working our way backwards towards the door. There was a LOT of criss-crossing of string until we had a giant spider's web that ended on the doorknob. The better we were, the more tightly tied everything was, and the harder it was for the victim to get into his or her room. Great fun!

What's neat about these memories is that they exist.

Even in the messes of our often messy family life, we did have good times. It's important for me to remember that. Learning (and being willing) to do so helped me when I started to deal with the bad times.

I encourage you to look for the good times in your past and your present. Be real and honest about the messes, but don't focus on them so much that you're blind to the blessings.

And Happy April 1. Play a friendly joke on somebody. Smile when somebody plays one on you. I believe it all evens out in the end.

Word Wonder -- willingness

Friday, February 19, 2010
1. Having the mind favourably inclined or disposed. 3 Gladly proffered or done; hearty.


[From the Old English word for will -- willa, which comes from the ancient Indo-European root wer-, meaning to wish or to will.] - Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary and Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dicitonary, Tenth Edition

Is there something in your life that isn't going the way you want? Do you feel disappointed or frustrated by people and events? Maybe you don't know how to make things different, or maybe you don't want to make things different. Perhaps your situation has already changed, and you cannot put life back the way it was.

Well, the uncomfortable truth is that whether you want to make changes or have had them forced upon you, your best bet for serenity is to change yourself -- your thoughts, your actions, your words. You'll be wasting a lot of valuable energy and time if you try to change other people or ignore and resent new circumstances. Like the ancients, your willa, your willingness, is your best tool for moving forward.

At this point you have a choice. You can either leave things the way they are and deal with the problems as they are, or you can risk making a change and deal with the new situation as it develops. If you decide, even slightly, to move in a new direction, here's a useful "trick" that can help you get over the hump. It can help you have a mind that is "favourably inclined" to the needed change.

Make a time and place where you can think and be quiet for a few minutes; this won't take long. Think about your resistance to the change. Maybe you feel angry or resentful about it. You might very well feel afraid, since fear and nervousness are usual reactions to change.

Now, see if you can find even a tiny, small sliver of willingness inside yourself. You might think, "Well, I don't like this at all, but I guess I'm willing to consider that I might feel better about it someday." Even being willing to be willing to be willing is enough to get you going. Ignore any pressure you feel to do this in a certain way or at a certain time. Just acknowledge that somewhere inside yourself, you're willing to be willing to be willing to change a tiny bit at some point in time. Then let go of your "shoulds" and "have-to thinking," knowing you have made a great start in getting unstuck or accepting the inevitable.

Now, every once in a while, notice and nurture that small willingness you've found. You might discover that in time, your willingness will grow and your resistance will diminish. Maybe your willingness will even be "gladly proffered" with a hearty openness. You just never know.

Healing Attitudes -- an Exercise

Here is a journalling exercise that can help with your healing or personal growth. The exercise is presented in two parts, in two posts. You can do one or both of them or, of course, neither. The choice is yours.

I invite you to check out my earlier post called "Keeping a Journal 101" to read a short introduction to journalling. As with all journalling exercises I do and recommend, it's fine to either write on paper or type on your computer. I do suggest you date your writings if you plan to keep them; it's helpful and interesting to re-read them later to see how you've grown, what you've learned or what still needs work.

Below is a short list of healing attitudes. Consider and write briefly about how each has been helpful to you or could be helpful to you. Then pick one and write in more detail about what you can and will do today to make use of that healing attitude. And keep it simple, Sweetheart; one change at a time is plenty.

• willingness
• honesty
• acceptance
• determination
• creativity

If you'd like, maintain your attention to your chosen healing attitude for a week, then two weeks. Journal about what is changing as a result. Talk with someone trustworthy about what's happening with you.

You could then go on to focus on the other healing attitudes -- one per week -- and see what happens. However you approach this journalling activity, remember to listen to yourself. Take breaks. This is not a marathon. Enjoy yourself and give yourself credit for every effort. Healing and recovery aren't always easy, but they can definitely be satisfying!

In a companion post to this one, I'll offer a similar journalling exercise using healing actions you can take to help yourself.

Pushing Through

My mother is a painter, but I didn't inherit her gift. My grandfather was a carpenter, but I didn't get that gift, either. What I do is meander, float and dig around inside myself in search of the exact phrase, the perfect rhythm with which I can articulate ideas and emotions. I use words to express myself.

For the past month, I haven't been able to do much meandering or digging. I've been too stunned and exhausted by the death of our youngest son. Most of my expression has come in the form of tears and weakly returned hugs and an inability to sleep. I've flipped around all over the place -- by turns a zombie or a simmering volcano or a puddle of mush. Several times I sat at the computer, willing myself to write something, anything, but for the most part, it was beyond me to do so.

Then this morning I read an article in the January 2010 issue of Writer's Digest magazine. Titled Inspiration vs. Perspiration, the article discusses the balance required if one intends to write for a living. Author Mary E. DeMuth's words made a great deal of sense to me and, more importantly, urged me to sit the heck down and write something, anything, even if it was schlock. Ms. DeMuth writes, "Understanding the dynamics of each [inspiration and perspiration] and how they relate to our finished written work can help us capitalize on our most inspired times and push through our most difficult moments."

Well, mourning has certainly brought many difficult moments. But I realized as I read that if I am to honour my love of words and my livelihood, I do have to push through. I can focus for short times, so it's important to do that when I can. I can help myself, and maybe somebody else, by getting things "down on paper," as I so often tell my students and clients. And I trust that by doing so, I'll have more inspired moments...and be better able to push through future difficulties. Thank you, Mary DeMuth.

(Check out my Word Wonder post about willingness. I'm pretty sure that writing it helped me grab onto what Ms. DeMuth had to say in her article.)

Does Surrender = Giving up?

This afternoon, the idea of surrender came up in a conversation. Like my friend, I used to think that to surrender to someone else's idea or to a new way of thinking meant I was giving up, turning into a doormat, being a woos. I've spent a lot of years figuring myself out and finding some sense of strength, worth and power. So why would I give that up...?

Luckily, I've learned that's not what surrender means. To me, surrender now means being willing to listen to a suggestion from somebody with more experience than I have. It means trying something different for a while, even if it's uncomfortable at first. It means being willing to give up something that doesn't work for me anymore, so I can replace it with something that does. Surrender means acknowledging, grudgingly or gracefully, that I don't have all the answers.

Dr. Gabor Mate, author of In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, was recently interviewed on CBC's Tapestry program. He gave an example of surrender that really makes sense to me. He told about someone who had decided to surrender not only his own drug and alcohol use, but also his drug-selling business. This guy gathered up all his drug paraphernalia and address books and threw them into a big garbage bag, and then took it all out to the trash. His decision and choices were surrender in action -- not just a theory or an intention, but making it so.

It's my intention to keep surrendering what isn't working for me, because when I've done this in the past, I have always benefitted. Sometimes I'm not so willing at first, or even after a while. Sometimes I just keep rolling around in the garbage for a while longer. But I can surrender my stubborn refusal to admit change is sometimes necessary. I can follow another's suggestion. I can at least be willing to be willing to be willing.

Fortunately, it doesn't take much to get started. I can surrender to the possibility of surrender.