Books to Check Out

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I've recently heard about two new books published by Hazeldon, a publishing house specializing in resources for people working on personal healing and recovery. Take a look at these titles and their descriptions, which I've quoted from Hazelden's website:

 
"Do you take on the feelings of others around you? Or do you expect others to absorb yours? Is it important to be in synch? No says Dr. Allen Berger, author of 12 Smart Things to Do When the Booze and Drugs are Gone."












"1000 Years of Sobriety: 20 People x 50 Years by William G. Borchert and Michael Fitzpatrick. 1000 Years of Sobriety features the moving personal accounts of twenty men and women who have each remained sober for more than fifty years. These are the real 'old timers,' keepers of the wisdom, men and women from around the world who are among the dwindling generations who joined Alcoholics Anonymous when Bill W. was still alive, and whose very commitment to sobriety is a testament to the enduring power of the program."

 
 
 
 
Of course, there are as many paths to well-being as there are people. The beauty of recovery, healing, and personal growth lies in the strength and hope each of us possesses...and in the help offered by those around us. Hazelden is one such helping hand.
 
If you'd like to find other helping hands, you could:

• check the list of topics on this blog (right-hand column) to read other posts about a topic of interest to you
• borrow a book from the library or a friend
• write in a journal
• talk to someone you trust
• listen to what your gut tells you
• ...and so much more.

I wish you well for today and every day!

Living the Good Life

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


What does it mean to you to live a good life? Does it mean having health, family? Friends and a job? What about fun and challenges, or time to relax and reflect? Freedom to choose, freedom to live in safety and well-being? Many people might say "yes" to some or all of these aspects of a good life, plus many more experiences and feelings that could be added to the list.

However, for some, such freedoms are a distant, even impossible dream, due to the confining, confounding nature of addiction. Addiction takes many, many forms and is not blocked by wealth, power, education, or physical aptitude.

In recognition of addiction's hold on millions of people, the National Aboriginal Addictions Awareness Week (NAAAW) campaign will run this year from November 14-20.

From the NAAAW website:

NAAAW wishes to "promote an addictions free lifestyle for communities, families and individuals by enabling communities to develop activities which increase knowledge and awareness of addictions and how addictions can be addressed.

We envision a NAAAW celebration every year that is grounded in the empowerment and capacity building of First Nation, Métis and Inuit individuals, families and organizations that will contribute to the creation of positive, safe healthy environments."

Canada's national campaign, National Addictions Awareness Week, runs from November 16-22. From the Minister of Health's message:

"The Government of Canada is pleased to recognize National Addictions Awareness Week. This is a chance for Canadians to enhance their understanding of substance abuse, and raise awareness for individuals suffering from addictions.

'Living the Good Life' is the theme of this year’s campaign, which highlights the importance of building and renewing positive relationships within our families, our communities, and our natural environment to promote good health and a life free of addiction.

What are you doing to learn about addictions? Do you understand? Support? Condemn? It's probable that most or all of us know someone who has an addiction to alcohol, other drugs, sex, food, work, gambling or something else.

I encourage you to think about what you can do next week, and in the weeks and months to come, to learn about and do something helpful to relieve addiction. Somehow, somewhere...it can be done.

Some Thoughts on Grief - Part 1

January 9, 2010

Together with Cathy Piper, a registered nurse with an interest in palliative care and grief, I offered a grief support group for four weeks in June 2008. As a prelude to the group, we wrote a three-part series in which we briefly discussed the nature of grief. The articles were published in The Manitoulin Expositor in May 2008. (All quotations in the articles are taken from Alan D. Wolfelt’s book, The Journey Through Grief.)

Here is that series of articles, which I will post in the same three parts over the next three days:

What is grief?

Grieving is something we do…in response to a loss, any kind of significant loss. It might be the loss of a job, a relationship, friends, a beloved pet, your home, or the loss of your childhood or your culture. Maybe you feel the loss of your beliefs or your language, or you no longer feel needed and wanted. It is common, though often not recognized, for people to grieve over countless changes and losses. And every person responds to grief in a different way and at a different pace. There is no road map that grief has to follow.

Grief comes from deep within and finds its way out in various forms, from crying and wailing, to seeking silence and seclusion, to talking it out. These healing forms of grieving help you go deep inside and walk through the pain to emerge on the other side. When loss and grief are not acknowledged, people sometimes try to bury their feelings with alcohol and other drugs or they keep so busy they won’t feel; however, these destructive paths can lead to depression, physical illness and suicide.

With the support and love of family, friends and, sometimes, trained helpers, it is very possible to move through grief rather than try to go around it by not feeling it. “Acknowledging reality brings pain. As I open myself to feel the total sense of loss, I discover I cannot do this grief work alone. I will need the love and support of those who understand the depths of this journey. Most of all I will need to be around people who are truly compassionate.”

Healing in grief is heart-based, not head-based. The depth of your very soul is exposed, and you enter into new realms to find healing. “The reality of this death/loss demands my attention. As I move from head understanding to heart understanding, I know with burning certainty that life is forever changed. I arrive at this new place unprepared for the journey ahead. How will I set forth?”

“The head, the heart and the soul must all come to embrace the reality of the death/loss. It is the soul that gives life to the head and the heart. I may know the reality of the death/loss in my head, but I must also let it sift down into my heart and soul.”

Silence and solitude, friends and family, all combined, are necessary for your journey through the pain of grief. “As I experience my grief, I am pulled to be both alone and together with others. I realize I need both. The beauty of it is that I have discovered I can embrace both needs. What an important revelation!”

Head + Heart + Hands + Feet = Action

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thousands of studies have shown that childhood abuse in its many forms – sexual, other physical, verbal, emotional, spiritual – often, often contributes to, develops and/or erupts into these results:

• children and teenagers running away
• suicide ideation, attempts and success
• self-harm through cutting and addictions, for example
• harming others
• being abused and assaulted in adulthood
• difficulty learning
• poverty
• physical illness
• incarceration
• repeated unsuccessful or harmful relationships
• risk-taking behaviour
• promiscuity

All this research is useful head work, but when society -- that's you and me -- denies and ignores the truth of these conclusions, more babies get raped, more girls and boys are tormented, more teens cut and burn and drug themselves, more people get beaten, more people commit suicide and commit crimes.

The abuse of children, teens and adults is wrong. Period. You and I can do something. Period. I encourage you to join your head to your heart, hands and feet.

Learn about abuse. Feel something. Do something.

• Read a book, such as:
• The Courage to Heal 4e: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse 20th Anniversary Edition by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. Harper Paperbacks. 2008. 
• It Happened to Me: A Teen's Guide to Overcoming Sexual Abuse (workbook for male and female young adults) by William Lee Carter. New Harbinger Publications. 2002.
• Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse by Mike Lew. Harper Paperbacks. 2004.
• Check these websites:
• The Shelternet website "was created to provide reliable and up-to-date information for abused women, their family, friends, and colleagues in Canada."
• The American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress
• Child Abuse: Statistics, Research and Resources, a British website.
• Pandora's Project, "Support and resources for survivors of rape and sexual abuse."
• Volunteer at a:
• women's shelter
• adult literacy program
• youth detention centre
• prison
• community recreation program
• Listen to your friend, neighbour, co-worker or relative when he or she tells you about abuse. Learn how to help.
• Read the posts about abuse that I've posted in this blog to date, or search the terms "abuse" and "sexual abuse" for other information.
• Organize or attend observances such as Canada's National Day Of Remembrance And Action On Violence Against Women and worldwide Take Back the Night events.

You can, truly, do something to help. Learn in your head, feel in your heart, move your hands and feet; it's not really so hard, and the benefits are immeasurable but real.

Does Surrender = Giving up?

This afternoon, the idea of surrender came up in a conversation. Like my friend, I used to think that to surrender to someone else's idea or to a new way of thinking meant I was giving up, turning into a doormat, being a woos. I've spent a lot of years figuring myself out and finding some sense of strength, worth and power. So why would I give that up...?

Luckily, I've learned that's not what surrender means. To me, surrender now means being willing to listen to a suggestion from somebody with more experience than I have. It means trying something different for a while, even if it's uncomfortable at first. It means being willing to give up something that doesn't work for me anymore, so I can replace it with something that does. Surrender means acknowledging, grudgingly or gracefully, that I don't have all the answers.

Dr. Gabor Mate, author of In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, was recently interviewed on CBC's Tapestry program. He gave an example of surrender that really makes sense to me. He told about someone who had decided to surrender not only his own drug and alcohol use, but also his drug-selling business. This guy gathered up all his drug paraphernalia and address books and threw them into a big garbage bag, and then took it all out to the trash. His decision and choices were surrender in action -- not just a theory or an intention, but making it so.

It's my intention to keep surrendering what isn't working for me, because when I've done this in the past, I have always benefitted. Sometimes I'm not so willing at first, or even after a while. Sometimes I just keep rolling around in the garbage for a while longer. But I can surrender my stubborn refusal to admit change is sometimes necessary. I can follow another's suggestion. I can at least be willing to be willing to be willing.

Fortunately, it doesn't take much to get started. I can surrender to the possibility of surrender.

What is Sexual Abuse or Assault?

Sexual abuse/assault is frighteningly common, and many people misunderstand what it is and what it isn't. This article is intended to help explain sexual abuse and sexual assault so that victims, abusers, and family members can be clear. It is by no means a complete look at the subject, but it might provide a helpful starting place for you.

To begin with, "sexual abuse" is the term that is often used when referring to child victims or others who experience unwanted and repeated or long-term sexual behaviour. The term "sexual assault" generally refers to the particular act of unwanted sexual behaviour. For general purposes, either term may be used to name what has happened to you or someone you know.

Sexual abuse/assault happens to boys. It happens to girls. It happens to teens, women, and men. It happens to babies, elderly people, and to those who are handicapped. Sexual abuse/assault happens in every possible gender combination -- male to female, male to male, female to female, and female to male. Sexual abuse/assault occurs in isolation, one person abusing one person, and it also occurs in groups -- more than one person abusing one or more other people. It can happen once or over and over again.

In all cases, no matter what the circumstances, sexual assault is defined as any unwanted sexual act. Some examples of its many forms are: showing pornography to a child; making a threat about forced sex; unwanted touching (whether it hurts or not); forcing someone to touch another person (or animal) sexually; rape. Two key concepts are important:

1. An adult who is threatened, tricked, or forced to engage in unwanted sexual activity of any kind is a victim of sexual assault/abuse.
2. A child cannot ever be considered to give consent to any sexual act with an older or more powerful child, teen, or adult. (Although it might be difficult to pinpoint or define, and not everyone would agree, young children can quite healthily "play doctor" or be curious about another young child's sexual organs. The key is whether or not both young children were comfortable and agreed to their investigations.)

Many adults who were sexually abused as children find ways to cope with their past experiences. It's very common for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse to:

• forget the abuse or the abuser (this is a "surface" form of forgetting; the memories are still there)
• drink alcohol, do drugs, work, overeat, under-eat, gamble, or over-exercise to bury the images, feelings, and memories
• cut or burn themselves or physically harm themselves in other ways
• attempt or succeed at suicide
• engage in risky sexual activity
• have sex with many people
• have trouble, or make trouble, at home, work, or school

All of these reactions to childhood sexual abuse can help keep memories buried -- at least for a time. They can help you raise a family, go to school and work, have fun with your friends, and so on. The problem with these forms of coping is that they will not make the memories go away, and they will not help you actually deal with those memories. And of course they are often damaging to you and your loved ones.

"I thought I'd dealt with it." So many adults I've worked with have said these words! But drowning or temporarily forgetting painful memories is not the same as actually dealing with them -- and healing from them.

You can do so much to help yourself. You can tell someone, even if you've never told anyone before. You can learn tools to help you work through the terror and rage. You can learn that you are not to blame for being abused.

In future articles I will offer suggestions and information about childhood sexual abuse and what it can be like to heal from it. In the meantime, call your local women's shelter, crisis phone line, or counselling centre to find help. And here are some Internet resources that also might be helpful:


Ontario Women's Directorate -- Sexual assault: What every girl and woman should know

http://www.citizenship.gov.on.ca/owd/english/youthzone/assault/

American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress -- http://www.aaets.org/article31.htm

Learning and Violence -- http://www.learningandviolence.net/

Rape Victim Advocacy Program -- http://www.rvap.org/pages/adult_survivors_of_childhood_sexual_abuse/