Change your Magical Thinking

This is the third post in which I write about magical thinking, a life view and habit that keeps many of us stuck. (Read the first post here and the second, a journalling exercise, here.)

If you have recognized that you do engage in magical thinking, if you've thought or journalled about it, you might want to know how to do the next step...changing your magical thinking.

As I said in my last post...

By recognizing and then loosening your grip on magical thinking, you'll find new energy, new resilience, fun, and hope.

1. Notice one aspect of life in which you're waiting for some magical solution to appear. Money, relationships, job, lifestyle and health are common areas for magical thinking.
2. Name what you're wishing would change, such as:
• more satisfying work
• no more debt
• more travel
• better appearance
• happier family life
• ...or whatever is on your mind
3. Can you name the person or entity you've been wishing would make your situation better? Is it God, or a loved one, or some nameless and faceless Something? This can be hard, because magical thoughts are usually vague by their very nature, but give it a try.
4. As you pay more attention to your wishing-thoughts, notice how you feel, such as:
• hopeless                   
• wishy-washy
• angry
• vague
• tired
• frustrated
• lonely
• wistful
• without energy
5. Now say or write a statement that includes what you've noticed in the first four steps. This might be hard or uncomfortable, because part of the power of magical thinking is that it's vague and usually not put into clear words. But looking at your wishful thoughts and putting them into words is an important part of seeing and then changing them. For example:
• When I think about my huge debt load, I feel tired and hopeless. I wish Uncle John would die and leave me his money.
• I wish God would just change Susan so we'd be happier. She really makes me mad. Maybe she'll just leave, and I won't have to deal with this mess.
• If only I could win the lottery, big time. Then I could quit my lousy job and travel around the world.
6. Take a few deep breaths. You might be feeling guilty or pathetic or angry or many other things if you've written out your unnamed desire for someone to die or go away. But this step is so important if you're going to actually see changes in your circumstances. Because magical thinking is often so vague, we don't really pay much attention to those thoughts; they seem to hover in the background of our minds and hearts. The trouble is that while they're hovering, they're also draining us of energy and blinding us to our ability to be responsible for our own lives.
7. Now try this. Below your "I wish..." statement, write an "I will..." statement, such:
• I don't like being in debt, but I will change that myself. If Uncle John wants to help, that's a bonus, but I don't need him to die for me to get out of debt. I'll take an honest look at my finances and see what my options are. 
• I 'm not happy with my marriage and the messes Susan has created. But I'm an adult, and I can take a look at my part of things and do something about that. And I'll ask God to help me with me.
• I've waited for ten years to win the lottery, but I just keep losing. I don't like my job, but I need an income. So I will make a list of the pro's and con's about this job, and I'll start a savings account for trips I want to take. Then I'll decide where to go from there.

Maybe you've noticed that the I will statements are different than the I wish statements. They're more action-packed and positive. Their power results from looking at the reality of a situation. And in saying them, our power is made available to us. Even if the changes that follow are hard or uncomfortable, they're rarely harder or more uncomfortable than the problems we lived with before we changed our magical thinking.

So, the last step (#8) in changing your magical thinking about a situation is to actually do something concrete. Make a budget or talk to a credit counsellor...and then follow his or her suggestions. Stop blaming others, look honestly at your own undesirable behaviours, and change them. Quit your job or change your attitude about the one you have. Start a savings account with $2, if that's what you have.

Small, concrete, responsible steps are the antidote to magical thinking. And the result is more energy, a more positive outlook, healthier relationships, better finances...whatever. You decide because you can.You can follow the steps below by thinking it out, talking with someone, or writing your answers.Start small, since this is often the best way to learn new skills and attitudes. Here are eight suggestions for doing just that:

Magical Thinking -- a journal exercise

Last Wednesday I wrote about magical thinking, a view of life and self that resides deep below the surface in some people. (Click here to read that post.) This sort of belief system is part of childhood's charm, but in adults it supports an unhealthy degree of passivity. Magical thinking, as I mean it here, keeps us meekly waiting around for someone or something else to resolve our problems -- financial, personal, professional, etc. -- while we do little or nothing to progress.

As I said the other day, magical thinking is not the same as being patient or wisely waiting for the best time. It's not the same as trusting others or accepting limitations. These are helpful ways to interact with the world, while magical thinking makes it hard for us to move forward and to recognize our own strength and ability.

Letting go of magical thinking means seeing one's own strengths and weaknesses realistically. It means letting go of the idea that others will fix one's problems. It means taking responsibility for choices and decisions.

Get out a pen and paper and set aside 15-30 minutes to start. Ask yourself the questions below to help identify if you are prone to magical thinking. And as with any new awareness, the purpose of this is not to criticize yourself but to take the first step in change -- recognizing the problem. Keep in mind that many people have the thoughts and feelings described below; the trick is to identify if you frequently count on others to make things better.

Q?    Do you find yourself wishing someone would come along and pay your    debts or fix a troubled relationship?

Q?    Do you have vague feelings of powerlessness or inadequacy in your own daily affairs?

Q?    Do you feel like you're getting nowhere, especially in areas of life that are important to you? 

Q?    Are you sometimes jealous of people who seem to "have it all together?" Do you compare yourself to them or resent them?

As you work through these questions, others might arise. Do your best to honestly explore the questions and the answers. Be kind to yourself, since that's the most effective way to stay interested in change. If you beat yourself up over perceived failures, you just add to the pile of magical thinking and lack of progress.

You can make changes that make you and your life more dynamic! By recognizing and then loosening your grip on magical thinking, you'll find new energy, new resilience, fun, and hope.

In another post, I'll write about  ways to turn magical thinking into dynamic thinking. Once you begin to recognize the old patterns, you'll be able to build new ones.

You in the world -- a journalling exercise

Saturday, January 29, 2011

This journalling exercise gives you a chance to examine the impact on you of community or world events. Sometimes doing this is simply interesting, and sometimes it's quite revealing of what  your childhood world was like.

Think of a world or community event from your childhood or youth. Find out the date it happened and then figure out what age you were on that day. Ask yourself these questions:

• What was going on in your life that at that time? Did you have siblings? Where did you live?
• What do you remember about the event?
• What did the adults in your life say and feel about it at the time? 
• As a child at the time, did you feel the event affected you or your immediate world? Now that you're older, do you see any effects that you didn't notice at the time?

As you write, see what else comes to mind (and heart). Children have a unique take on things, and remembering your own youthful perspective can be enjoyable and sometimes revealing.

Change -- a journalling exercise

Monday, January 24, 2011

Some people say that change is one of the few things we can count on. In any case, change affects us all in different ways at different times and in different circumstances. Sometimes we like change, such as when an unpleasant person becomes more pleasant. Sometimes we don't like change, such as when we have to move away from a beloved home. And no matter how we feel about it, we change often in the course of growing up and getting older.

Set aside some time to consider how you have changed in the last five, ten, or twenty years...and what affect those changes have had. Think about the changes you consider to be "good," as well as the ones you think of as "bad" or "negative."

First, write down all the big and small changes you can think of. Decide how many of them you want to look at closely. One? Three? All of them?

Then, for each change you decide to examine, answer the questions below, taking time to muse and remember:

1. Was the change fairly easy to deal with, or was it hard?
2. Did you react to this change differently than ususal?
3. If you resisted the change, what did you think and do in your resistance -- refuse to discuss it, get really busy, take out your feelings on others? How did you feel -- afraid, satisfied, angry, resentful, excited, willing, sad, ashamed, etc.?
4. If you accepted or enjoyed the change, what did you feel, think, and do to help the change occur?
5. How did the change affect other people? How did you feel about those affects at the time?
6. At this moment, how do you see the change and its results? What do you think and feel about it? Do you feel differently now than you did when the change occurred?

Self-evaluation like this fosters growth and healing. It provides opportunities to understand the nature of change and to embrace, or at least accept it, as a natural part of life. Through self-examination we find wisdom and forgiveness. Our fears can diminish because we learn to see change as a normal process.

You might have uncovered old feelings of guilt or shame while doing this exercise. This isn't unusual, and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means you're human. We're very good at burying unpleasant feelings, often because we don't know what to do with them at the time we feel them. This journalling exercise gives you a chance to re-examine your difficult feelings; the gift of time might have given you new perspectives or emotional skills. Use these to help yourself understand and deal with old pain. You might find help in earlier posts I've written. To read more about dealing with guilt, click here. To read more about dealing with shame, click here.

If you have trouble coming to terms with past changes, feelings, or actions, I encourage you (as always) to talk with a trusted friend or counsellor. Sometimes another person's perspective can be very helpful.

Unplugged -- A Journalling Exercise

Friday, December 17, 2010

This morning I wanted to write a post, but I couldn't think of what to say. I try not to do a lot of blah, blah, blah on here; if I don't have something worth saying, I know it's okay to say nothing.

But...and blah, blah, blah. SO, to get unplugged, as it were, I started some free-flow writing, also called "stream of consciousness" writing. I've used and recommended this technique many times over the years.

In free-flow writing, you put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and just start writing. You don't stop and fix mistakes or try to think of how to say something. You just write whatever comes to mind or heart, without letting the pen/fingers stop.

This simple writing technique clears away confusion and blockages so that clearer thoughts and feelings can surface. Here's what I free-flowed to get started on this post:

I can't seem to zero in on something to write today, but I want to write something, so I'm just going to get started and see what happens and maybe an idea will come to me as i get going even though it seems to be drivel, but now i'm getting an idea to write about a journalling exercise. Ahaaaaa! Got it.

And Bob's your uncle.

Free-flow writing is a useful device any time you feel stuck. Don't know what to write for a school paper? Start with free-flow writing. Can't figure out what you want in a troubled relationship? Free-flow. Just feeling lousy and don't know what's wrong? Set pen to paper and let the words flow until the stuck feeling passes into clarity and you get the Ahaaa! feeling I got at the end of my little free-flow above.

There are only two "rules" for stream of consciousness writing:

1. Don't plan.
2. Once you start writing, don't stop until you feel clearer.

This can take a few lines or several pages. Don't stop to fix mistakes. Don't worry about wording. Just write, write, write. It's amazing how well free-flow works to help us find the answers we already carry within.

Try free-flow. Get unplugged.

Connected -- a journal exercise

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Here's a writing exercise that can foster feelings of connectedness:

Sit in a quiet place with your computer or a notebook and pen. Write your response to each of the following:

• Something I am.
• Something I do.
• Something I give.
• Something I receive.

Now pay attention to where you are. Write about who might have walked where you walk, sat where you sit right now.

Listen to their voices. What is their message? Is there any connection between that message and what you are, what you do, what you give and receive?

Write or draw or doodle whatever comes to you.

Your Inner Voice -- a journalling exercise

Friday, March 26, 2010

I call this journalling exercise "Listening to your Inner Voice." That voice is sometimes called intuition or a gut feeling or gut instinct. Many, many of us have been taught to ignore that voice by being taught not to trust our own take on things, our own feelings and thoughts. "That's stupid; you can't do that." "Stop crying; there's nothing to be scared of." "Don't be silly; he's a nice man." "What a ridiculous idea."

We're taught to keep busy, not cry, ignore our own needs to help others, hide when we feel bad. We get sent to our rooms, hit, told to keep destructive secrets and silenced by others' silence. Many people aren't taught how to recognize and name feelings or how to listen to inner discomforts in uncomfortable situations. In many families, any response more subtle than a slap or screaming or crying is lost.

So although helping others and managing our emotions and keeping busy can all be positive actions, they can also get in the way of self-knowledge which, in turn, gets in the way of understanding others. When we don't understand ourselves and others, true compassion is difficult. We may be able to act like a nice person without actually feeling anything at all.

This journalling exercise can help you listen to your own inner voice, your gut. It can be a helpful tool for getting familiar with your true self. So grab a pen and notebook, or a computer, and get comfortable for a while. This exercise can be done in one sitting or in several shorter bouts. Remember that with journal writing, there is no wrong way to do it. Spelling, punctuation, handwriting and organization don't matter. Listening to yourself does.

Listening to your Inner Voice

Write about a time when you did or did not listen to a gut feeling about something or someone. Maybe you didn't make that phone call you thought of making, or you wrote to somebody and found out later how much it helped him. Maybe you heeded the tug prompting you to apply for a job, and as a result you met someone who became important to you, or you got the job.

Describe what was going on at the time:

• What did the inner prompting, voice, urge feel and sound like inside you?
• What did it suggest?
• If you paid attention to it, did you act on the suggestion right away or later?
• If you didn't heed it, how did you answer it -- by telling yourself it was dumb or pointless, by getting busy and forgetting about it, by consciously deciding not to listen?
• What happened after you did or did not listen to that urge?
• How did (and do) you feel about the outcome? Regret? Relief? Satisfaction? Irritation? etc......

Given that outcome, what might you do differently another time? Keep in mind that regrets can be useful if we decide to do something differently in the next situation. There's no need to hang on to regrets (in fact, doing so can be harmful), but by all means notice them and make a decision about what you'll do differently. Be grateful for the lesson and move on.

If you're happy with the outcome, dwell on the feelings and results. Decide to listen to yourself again another time. Be grateful for the lesson and move on.

In another recent blog post I wrote about intuition (click here to read it) and about the book Developing Intuition by Shakti Gawain. The post describes one fantastic way in which intuition, my inner voice, was on the right track. I find that the more I listen to my inside self, the more smoothly my life goes and the more serenity I experience. When I don't listen, things get choppy. It's a simple formula, yet I can complicate things and get in my own way, too!

In any case, know that learning to listen to one's intuition is a skill that can be learned (relearned, actually). I encourage you to listen to your inner voice. Learn to trust yourself; you're a great ally!

I Choose... - a journal exercise

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

This journal exercise comes from both my own experience and from the book Developing Intuition by Shakti Gawain. About ten years ago I went away by myself for a weekend of R & R. While there, I read and rested a lot, and I wrote. One of the questions I asked myself was, "What do I really want?" With many open pages and hours before me, I started to write. I enjoyed the writing and the whole weekend.

Then about five years later, I happened upon that old notebook and began to thumb through it, reading snippets here and there. And then I came to The Page, the one I'd written on my solo weekend years before. Virtually everything I had written about what I wanted for my relationships, my personal time and my work had come, or was coming, to fruition. I was stunned to realize I was living out what I'd written that weekend.

That experience taught me a lot about my ability to make decisions and then make those decisions come to be. I have since learned that everybody has the same ability to make decisions and make them come to be. Since that first experience, I've more consciously made decisions about what I choose, and many of them have come to fruition. I know others who've done the same. So, give this a shot. Grab a notebook or journal and write about what...

I Choose

Find a quiet place where you can focus for a while -- an hour or so, depending. Try to leave the time open-ended if you can. Ask yourself what you really, really want or want to do. Be specific. (One thing I wrote was "I want to write for a living not just a hobby.") Then -- and this is important -- feel that thing you want. Describe it.

Write about what that dream-plan will look like. What will it feel like physically and emotionally? How will it smell or taste or sound? Immerse yourself in these sensations as you muse and write. If you aren't sure, just imagine it the best you can. Feel it all as if it's happening right now.

Write about what will happen when you do your dream-plan. Where will you be? Who else might be there? If you imagine other people, focus on those who support your dream. Again, feel the feelings, sensations and satisfactions.

Express gratitude for your dream-plan.

As you write, you might encounter negative thoughts or feelings. You might picture other people telling you it can't be done or that you can't do it. In your mind or on your paper, thank those people for their opinions and wave goodbye to them in your imagination (you're not ending a relationship, just an imagined objection). Release them to your spiritual source or to themselves. You can smile at them, knowing your opinion matters more in this exercise.

Once you're done writing, write the date on the entry. Then in the days, weeks, months and maybe years to come, continue to invest in your dream-plan often. Re-read and re-focus on your idea. Re-feel the feelings. Enjoy the satisfactions and express your gratitude, even if you don't see any obvious evidence of it right away. Picture how it will look and be. Keep re-deciding to have or do it.

Mike Dooley, another person I've read and listened to, enlarges hugely on this brief journal exercise. He recommends creating a board or scrapbook full of pictures and words and other items that contribute to the idea you've decided about. I've done this, too, and it helps a lot.

Will you change your life utterly by doing this journal exercise? You could. Will you get everything you've ever dreamed of? Maybe. I don't know the answers to those questions, but I do know that our decisions -- and learning to believe in our decisions -- can take us places we never imagined.

Give it a shot. What do you choose?

Word Wonder -- rejection

Friday, February 25, 2010

To reject means to:
1. To refuse to accept, recognize, believe, etc. 2. To refuse to grant; deny as a petition. 3. to refuse (a person)  recognition, acceptance, etc. 5. To cast away as rejected. [From the Latin rejectus, which comes from reicere. Reicere is made of two parts: re-, meaning "back" + jacere, meaning "to throw."] - Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary.

Most people have experienced rejection at some point. Perhaps you have. Maybe someone who matters to you has refused to accept you into the family or the workplace. Maybe you've been part of a group but then were rejected, expelled from it.

The hurt of rejection can slice deep, cutting through layers of defenses and hopes. If you have experienced rejection in the past without coming to terms with it, fresh rejections can be especially painful and confusing as they pile up on the old ones. Rejection can feel scary, even threatening at times.

We use many words for rejection; here are some of them:

discard, repudiate, refuse, prohibit, contradict, ostracize, exclude, eject, disbelieve, drop, cut out, let go, dispense with, throw away, cast aside, get rid of, shrug off, dump, dispose of, jettison, jilt, throw to the wolves, write off, abandon, turn down, deprive of, repulse, rebuff, repel, kiss off, slam the door in one's face, snub, have nothing to do with, spurn, turn one's back, deny, shut out, exile, banish, ban, boycott, blackball, bar, ignore, segregate, isolate

Quite a long list of ways we find to exclude one another. They can all hurt, because one basic human need is to belong. Belonging affirms that we exist, that we have value and can contribute. When others cast us aside or don't let us "in" in the first place, our sense of belonging can feel threatened. It's easy to feel hurt and sad and to think, "If they don't want me, what will I do? I must not be as good as they are; maybe I'm not worth anything at all."

However, keep in mind that there is a difference between being rejected and being part of a natural change or situation that does not happen to include you. In the list of words above, I italicized some words because they could signal rejection, or they could simply signal a more neutral change or situation. Although such situations can be hard to take, they're not necessarily a personal attack against you.

Take a look at the comparisons below to get a feel for this difference:

rejection: Your girlfriend yells, "Kiss off, Asshole!" (Her anger and words are a definite rejection.)
neutral situation: You didn't get the funding for which you applied. The letter reads, "We regret to inform you that your application has been denied."  (You simply didn't qualify, or other applicants were more qualified. This is not personal against you, even if it is hard to hear.)
rejection: You've been on the job for six months and seem to get along with your co-workers. Then, without warning, many of them start to snub you in the staff room and don't talk to you unless they have to for work. (Whether or not you understand why, this sort of treatment seems to send the message: We don't want/like/value you.)
neutral situation: A member of your team who often seems to be "on your side" now contradicts your opinion during a discussion. (As uncomfortable as this can be, it's just another person's opinion. Having different opinions does not mean that anyone has less value than anyone else.)

 The key to dealing with all such situations -- clear rejections and neutral situations -- is to find ways to see and accept your own value no matter what others feel, think, say or do. What can you do when you feel rejected? Feel, think and act your way to new understanding:

• Acknowledge your feelings. It's human and okay to have emotional reactions to tough circumstances. Name your feelings; do you feel sad, hurt, angry, disappointed, afraid, lonely, resentful, useless? Let the tears flow. Take a few deep breaths. Go for a walk. Write in your journal. Talk it out.
• Think through the situation as clearly as you can. Ask yourself what led up to the rejection or change. Look at your own part in it; are you part of the problem? Do you need to apologize for anything? What can you learn and do differently next time? Keep in mind that circumstances might change in time. You might decide that you're happy with your actions. If so, remind yourself that others won't always agree with you and that that's just fine.
• Act on what you've learned and what you know. Learn to remind yourself of your value, no matter what others think. Ask someone you trust to help you see your less-wonderful traits. Change your behaviours that cause relationship problems. If it's appropriate, talk the situation over with those who are involved.

Change and rejection happen to everybody, but no matter which you experience, it's in your power to turn things around. Feel your feelings, think it through, and act on your own good intentions. You cannot change anyone else, and you might not be able to change the situation, but you can definitely change how you deal with it.

Seven Questions

Monday, December 14, 2009

Sometimes life gets so hectic, and then our minds get so hectic, that it's hard to slow down and smell the coffee or the roses or whatever it is we want to smell.

This simple practice can help with that. I call it Seven Questions, and you only need about five minutes to do it. In fact, it takse longer to read this explanation than it takes to do the exercise itself. However, the Seven Questions exercise can refresh you and re-ground you in your own skin.

- Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Take a slow, deep breath or two.

- Ask yourself, "What do I see?" Then just name (silently or out loud) a few things your eyes fall upon -- the wall, a window, a lamp, the ceiling, curtains, a picture, whatever. Don't evaluate or judge what you see. Don't move your head around a lot to see more. Just relax and notice a few things.

- Then ask, "What do I hear?" Again, in a calm way, just notice and name what you hear. There may be a lot or a little. Don't strain. Just relax and notice.

- Continue in the same way with, "What do I smell?" This question has the added benefit of encouraging you to breathe in more fully, which is good for smelling and for calming you with fresh oxygen.

- Ask, "What do I taste?" There might not be much here, but notice what you can. Maybe it will be the coffee you just finished drinking or your unbrushed teeth if it's first thing in the morning. Whatever it is, remember not to interpret or assess; just notice.

- Ask yourself about the fifth sense, "What do I feel in my body?" Pay quiet, calm attention to the way your pants feel on your thighs, your chilly bare feet, the tension in your jaw or shoulders, how your glasses feel on your nose, etc. Don't worry about adjusting things or thinking you have to fix any of it right now; just calmly observe.

- Now that you've observed through your five senses, ask yourself two more questions. "What am I feeling emotionally?" and "What am I thinking?" As with the senses questions, ask each one separately and answer them gently and in a light, sort of detached manner. You might feel happy or sad, angry or expectant. You might be thinking you have to call your friend or that this is a boring activity or that you wish you'd been nicer to your spouse this morning. Again, don't judge your feelings and thoughts or try to change them; just notice and accept them as they are.

- Finish by taking another deep breath or two. Then express gratitude for this chance to slow down and be aware of yourself. Express your gratitude to your spiritual source or to the universe or yourself; the main thing is to appreciate these moments and whatever they have brought you.

A few comments about this grounding practice:

• Ask the five senses questions in any order; that doesn't matter. You might want to change the order once in a while, so you don't get in a rut.
• You can write in your journal after you're done. Comment on what you noticed or how you felt during and after asking the questions.
• It's useful to do the Seven Questions exercise just once a day at first, for a week or two, to get the feel for it and see what you think. If you do it too often at first, you might burn out on it and decide it's boring after the "honeymoon" wears off.
• Once you're familiar with this practice and you find it to be helpful, you can also use a shorter version throughout your day. Ask yourself a question or two during your morning break, when you go to the bathroom, standing in line at the store -- any time you have a moment and want to slow your racing mind.

So, when the rat race is getting to you, or even when it isn't, give yourself a few minutes to slow it all down. Discover or remember that being in your own skin is a good place to be.

Healing Actions -- an Exercise

Yesterday I posted a journalling exercise about healing attitudes. Today's exercise involves several healing actions you can take. This is not a complete list of helpful actions, just as yesterday's list of attitudes was not complete. These are starter exercises you can use at any time and to any depth you like. It might be helpful to read my post, "Keeping a Journal 101." There's no right or wrong way to keep a journal; just do whatever works for you.

Write or type your response to each of these healing actions:

• talking with someone you trust
• writing about what's going on
• digging inside yourself for questions and answers
• relaxing
• listening intuitively

Then, as with the Healing Attitudes exercise, explore one of the healing actions more fully and focus on what you can do about it today. Maintain that focus for one week, then two. If you like, give each of the other healing actions the same treatment after you're done with your first choice.

Date your entries for future encouragement. Smile. Cry. Draw. I invite you to express yourself in these simple and helpful ways.

And just for the record, it doesn't matter if you do the Healing Actions exercise before or after the Healing Attitudes exercise. They can both be helpful, so trust your gut.

Healing Attitudes -- an Exercise

Here is a journalling exercise that can help with your healing or personal growth. The exercise is presented in two parts, in two posts. You can do one or both of them or, of course, neither. The choice is yours.

I invite you to check out my earlier post called "Keeping a Journal 101" to read a short introduction to journalling. As with all journalling exercises I do and recommend, it's fine to either write on paper or type on your computer. I do suggest you date your writings if you plan to keep them; it's helpful and interesting to re-read them later to see how you've grown, what you've learned or what still needs work.

Below is a short list of healing attitudes. Consider and write briefly about how each has been helpful to you or could be helpful to you. Then pick one and write in more detail about what you can and will do today to make use of that healing attitude. And keep it simple, Sweetheart; one change at a time is plenty.

• willingness
• honesty
• acceptance
• determination
• creativity

If you'd like, maintain your attention to your chosen healing attitude for a week, then two weeks. Journal about what is changing as a result. Talk with someone trustworthy about what's happening with you.

You could then go on to focus on the other healing attitudes -- one per week -- and see what happens. However you approach this journalling activity, remember to listen to yourself. Take breaks. This is not a marathon. Enjoy yourself and give yourself credit for every effort. Healing and recovery aren't always easy, but they can definitely be satisfying!

In a companion post to this one, I'll offer a similar journalling exercise using healing actions you can take to help yourself.

The Choice is Yours

A few years ago, I was dealing with a difficult family situation that was bringing on a lot of stress, frustration and resentment. As I wrote and doodled about the situation in my journal, I printed a question in big, stressed letters: "So What Am I Going To Do About It?". I think I wrote and printed it several times, taking out my frustration and confusion on the paper and pen.

After a while, I noticed all those capital letters and wrote them down, too: S-W-A-I-G-T-D-A-I? The acronym looked almost like a word, and I pronounced it "swag-tuh-day." I thought, Well, Kate, what are you going to do about it? SWAIGTDAI? I spent a while coming up with possible answers to that question and slowly worked my way out of my frustration and confusion. The situation didn't go away instantly, but I found ways to handle it that worked for me and didn't include striking out at anybody.

I told my family about SWAIGTDAI and how it was helping me focus on my options and strengths, and we started to use it in all sorts of situations. We quickly found it can also work when you say it -- with love, not sarcasm -- to someone else: SWAYGTDAI? So What Are You Going To Do About It? Both versions of SWAIGTDAI are meant as gentle and firm reminders that we have choices, even if we can't see them at first or don't like them.

For example, if a family member steals from me, I have several choices in how I respond:

• scream and yell
• cry
• talk calmly with the thief
• tell everybody in the family about it
• not talk about it at all
• give the silent treatment
• kick the person out
• call the police
• not call the police
• etc.

Some of those possibilities might seem so obvious that they don't look like choices at all, but they are. And every one of them is in my power to act on or not act on, even though the whole situation and my possible reactions might feel difficult at the time.
Every day, every hour, and minute brings choices for us to make. We can make choices that work for us or against us. We can think, feel, and act in ways that ease a tough situation or make it harder. So when you feel confused, frustrated, or just plain stuck, ask yourself, "SWAIGTDAI?" Then be willing to try the answers you get.

Keeping a Journal 101

Writing in a journal or diary is a useful and simple way to sort through your thoughts and feelings. You can write words you would never speak. You can draw and muse and meander or record daily events and weather.

I have a friend who has written in her diary every single day since she was a girl, and she's now in her sixties. Some of her entries are very short and simple -- Storm today, for example -- while others contain significant ups and downs, emotions and ideas. While I don't come even close to that sort of constancy, my journals provide me with a welcome outlet for muddled thoughts and exploding emotions, for plans and possibilities.

In most journalling workshops I offer, some participants have never kept a journal and feel they don't know how to start. In response I quote The King in Alice in Wonderland: "Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop." In other words, just get started. What you need to say will come out, and you can stop when you're done. Spelling and punctuation are not important, and it doesn't matter when or where you do your writing.

So find yourself a simple spiral notebook, a beautiful hardbound journal, or a new "sheet of paper" on your computer and give it a try. I suggest you write the date at the top of each entry; it can be interesting to look back later and see what you thought or what was going on at this time in your life.

Here are two good ideas to start with if you've never journalled before or would like to get back to it:

1. Write this sentence starter and then finish it with whatever comes to mind: I have no idea what to write, so I'll write about the time somebody said to me...
2. Describe the weather at this exact moment or when you first woke up. Does the weather affect your mood or what you do?

From time to time I will offer other journalling ideas in this space. Have fun, record your life for posterity, or explore your inner workings. Your journal won't tell.

Relationships, healing and a helping hand...

Need help with relationships? Want to feel better about yourself and your life? Join me here, at Kate Thompson on Manitoulin, for help with what's not working for you now. As I continue to build this site, you'll find journalling ideas, relationship suggestions and tips, personal healing help, encouragement, links to related sites, and updates on my writing and activities.