Books to Check Out

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I've recently heard about two new books published by Hazeldon, a publishing house specializing in resources for people working on personal healing and recovery. Take a look at these titles and their descriptions, which I've quoted from Hazelden's website:

 
"Do you take on the feelings of others around you? Or do you expect others to absorb yours? Is it important to be in synch? No says Dr. Allen Berger, author of 12 Smart Things to Do When the Booze and Drugs are Gone."












"1000 Years of Sobriety: 20 People x 50 Years by William G. Borchert and Michael Fitzpatrick. 1000 Years of Sobriety features the moving personal accounts of twenty men and women who have each remained sober for more than fifty years. These are the real 'old timers,' keepers of the wisdom, men and women from around the world who are among the dwindling generations who joined Alcoholics Anonymous when Bill W. was still alive, and whose very commitment to sobriety is a testament to the enduring power of the program."

 
 
 
 
Of course, there are as many paths to well-being as there are people. The beauty of recovery, healing, and personal growth lies in the strength and hope each of us possesses...and in the help offered by those around us. Hazelden is one such helping hand.
 
If you'd like to find other helping hands, you could:

• check the list of topics on this blog (right-hand column) to read other posts about a topic of interest to you
• borrow a book from the library or a friend
• write in a journal
• talk to someone you trust
• listen to what your gut tells you
• ...and so much more.

I wish you well for today and every day!

Word Wonder -- comfort

Saturday, January 8, 2011

comfort
noun: 1. A state of mental or physical ease, especially one free from pain, want, or other afflictions.  2. Relief from sorrow, distress, etc.; solace; consolation.    3. One who or that which gives or brings ease or consolation.  4. Help or support... 
verb: 1. To cheer in time of grief or trouble; solace; console.  2. To relieve physical pain.  3. Law  To aid; help.  [from the Old French confort, which comes from the Old French conforter. That, in turn, comes from the Low Latin word confortare, meaning "to strengthen." The two parts of the word "comfort" are com-, which means "with" and fortis, which means "strong."] -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary

It's likely that none of what you've read so far surprised you about today's Word Wonder. It didn't surprise me, either, at first. But what was new to me was the strong association the word has with the idea of strength. I'd never thought about that before.

The "-fort" part of comfort comes from one branch of the ancient Indo-European root bhergh-, which meant "high; with derivatives referring to hills and hill-forts." [Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition, page 1643] At a time when being higher than your enemy increased your chances of survival, hills were crucial. A bhergh- meant strength (-fort)...thus, hill-forts. A number of languages have words related to this root: burg, which meant a fortified town; borough; belfry; burgomaster; even burglar; plus fort, force, forte, effort, enforce, fortify, fortissimo, pianoforte, and reinforce. They all have to do with height, strength and/or safety.

Fast forward a good many years, and comfort becomes the allies and reserves that arrive to support an army -- strength and fortification to help in battle. Further on in history (or perhaps all along), the term "comfort for the troops" came to mean having women or boys available for sexual gratification.

Somewhere along the way, the strengthening nature of comfort evolved into the softer meaning generally used in English today. We think of the solace, ease, and consolation mentioned in the definition above. We think of warm, cozy comforters and muffins and cups of tea or hot chocolate. Comfort means a friend who will listen and offer support.

Ivor Brown, author of A Word in Your Ear & Just Another Word, believes "This is one of the admirable words which have turened soft and it needs to be re-stiffened to its proper shape and value." Although it is, as he continues, "...by origin, the giver of strength and valour," I don't agree with him that comfort has lost its power.

Upon reflection, I've come to think that the comfort we derive from soft blankets and rich carbohydrates and solace in times of grief is closely similar to the strength ensured by high places in times of war. No matter how comfort comes to us, it usually does, indeed, make us stronger. Whether we fight enemies on a battlefield or struggle with the onslaught of life's problems, comfort is welcome. It helps us move from feeling overwhelmed by sadness or depression or loneliness to feeling stronger and better equipped to move forward.

I hope that, whatever the circumstances, you will offer and accept comfort, thus helping strength to return.

A Good Kind of Label

Friday, December 3, 2010

A number of years ago, an acquaintance told me that I had a gift for encouragement. I felt softly surprised by her observation and instantly delighted that she mentioned it, out loud, to me. At the same time, a quiet part of me shyly recognized the truth of her words.

I didn't know that I knew this about myself, but I felt so grateful to her for shining a flashlight of conscious awareness on that inner corner of me. I knew I liked saying positive things to people and offering to help out when I could. People expressed gratitude or happy surprise, and I felt as grateful and delighted at their reactions as I did when I made the offers in the first place.

I had enjoyed this circle of niceness, if you will, for as long as I could remember, but I never thought about it. It's just what I did, and I liked it. My acquaintance's label -- encourager -- brought an important part of myself into sharp focus -- with myself. I knew it matched my previous actions. I knew it matched how I felt inside.

Her comment was one of those things that is a surface surprise to hear
expressed but not a deep surprise to acknowledge. It was like the adage that a teacher's job is to show us what we already know.

This woman's label immediately, and over time, gave me a sense of clear self-knowledge, and it felt excellent. It still does. Being labeled in that way, having a word for that part of me, strengthened my sense of myself and what I'm about. It does not in any way describe my entire self; I think, act and feel in many ways, and they're not all desirable. But nothing I have ever done since that day in the late '80s has ever erased or undone my encourager-self completely.

That is a great, great gift.

This gift feeds itself. Encouraging others feels good. I know it's helpful to them, in however small or seemingly invisible a way. I know this because it's how I feel when someone encourages me. So I keep doing it, and being an encourager becomes a self-fulfilling trait. I feel better. You feel better. Win-Win. Very cool.

What deep inner truths about yourself have you been able to see in your lifetime? Whether the awareness grows gradually or jumps up in a millisecond is immaterial. What matters is that you do carry deep, lovely gifts, and whenever you find them you'll recognize them for the truths they are.

I rarely believe in or espouse guarantees, but here's one I say with no hesitation whatsoever: every single person carries deep, rich substantial Somethings within. Having a name for that trait helps strengthen and deepen and build it.

So often, the world teaches us not to brag, to be humble. Be nice. Don't show off. Well, these messages have some value, but they're confusing and not 100% accurate 100% of the time.

  

If it helps, keep in mind that the wonderful traits I'm talking about are gifts. Wherever they come from, it's in our power to accept and build on them. Name them. Help them grow. Have a good time with them. Use them.

You'll benefit, and so will everybody on whom you practice.

Word Wonder -- listen

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Earlier this week, a friend asked me to write about the word "listen," saying she thought the Universe was telling her to do more of it. That seemed like a good idea, and two ideas came to me. First, I did my follow-the-bread-crumbs brainstorm about listening. I thought of phrases and words that have, or seem to have, something to do with listening :

• Listen to your elders.
• "Friends, Romans, countrymen...lend me your ear."
• Listen to your heart. Listen to your body.
• Stop, look, and listen before you cross the road.
• Listen up, people!
• Hearing is not necessarily the same as listening.
• "Listen, my friends, and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere."
• Listen to your father!
• Mom, mom! Listen to this!!
• Can't you ever listen to what I'm saying!?
• sounds of silence
• "He who has ears to hear, let him hear."
• list to starboard
• enlist
• listless
• bucket list, shopping list, gratitude list, To Do list

These phrases from literature and everyday life stirred a range of images and feelings in me. My seventh grade teacher used to raise her voice over the din of our pre-adolescent cacophony and proclaim, "Listen up, people!" She was prone to pitching text books at the heads of those she felt had broken the rules, so we generally listened up pretty quickly.

Then there's "listing to starboard." I know approximately zero about boats, but I think this phrase suggests rocking, rolling waves that violently tip seafaring vessels and their passengers sideways...maybe towards the starboard side? Anyway, to me listing has always meant stumbling or pitching at dangerous angles. I'll look it up in a minute to see if I'm in the right neighbourhood.

In any case, if listing has something to do with leaning, then listening could have something to do with leaning forward to pay close attention to another's words. And enlisting could have to do with coming forward to have one's name put on a list, perhaps a list of soldiers. So, now, to the dictionary...

listen

1. To make conscious use of the sense of hearing; be attentive in order to hear. 2. To pay attention; give heed. 3. To be influenced or persuaded. [From the Old English word hlysnan, which was related to another Old English word hlyst, meaning "hearing."] -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary

Well, it turns out I was way off base on the connection among listen, list, and enlist, though I was right about the meaning of "list." Ah, well...I had fun. In any case, I do like the words "conscious use of the sense of hearing" and being "attentive." To me this means listening with every part of ourselves so we can participate as fully as possible. Few of us are taught this skill, but it's well worth learning. In classes and workshops I teach, I talk about active listening in which the listener is as involved and aware as the speaker.

To me, active listening also means paying attention to my own inner voice and the voices of nature, mystery, and experience. To do this, I have to slow down and "smell the coffee."

Stop doing. Stop talking. Stop moving and planning. Just be. Here. Now. ...........Listen.

My second idea about this post was to listen to what others had to say about listening. So, I posted the question on my Facebook page the other day, and here's what several people had to say about listening:

Sam:

Nature. Listening to nature. That is my tranquilizer. When my head is spinning, or even if I’m in a calm mood, I listen to nature. I remind myself to just sit, think for the moment, be in the moment.



It can be on my deck with my morning coffee, feeling the morning’s sun rays warming my skin. I close my eyes. It starts with the birds, listening to each one with their singing, chirping and cawing. Then the breeze, listening as it rustles the leaves on the trees. Bees pollinating the flowers. A dog barking in the distance. I focus on these, shutting out the rest of the world and give thanks that I am able to hear these little sounds.


It’s a pleasure denied by the unhearing. (My Grandfather became deaf in his later years and often wrote to me how he missed his hearing, especially the birds that visited his garden)

Vicki:

After six days of listening to the roar of an aircraft....I stood still this afternoon and listened to the wind. The sound is amazing.
I love the wind and all the melodies it creates.

Cherity:

i listened to my daughter's eyes...she spoke through with such wisdom and deep feeling...lol even though she can't talk, being only but 3 months old.....she really did talk volumes and i listened with all my heart!

Terry:

A thought about listening. Listening is feedback and without feedback there is no course correction or appreciation. One thing that is certain is that if you are missing the feedback the feedback will usually become a little stronger or louder until hopefully you are listening.

When we practice the skill of listening, we are rewarded. When we share the gift of listening with others, they are rewarded, too. Thanks for asking, Ellen.Wind and wisdom, birds and babies. Feedback to help with personal growth. I also love listening to the wind and the birds. I'm reminded that the inner calm which accompanies deep listening feeds me at many levels. I'm reminded of the strength and stillness being offered on the wind and in the eyes of infants who are still so close to the beginning of their time here.

What do YOU think? #2 - Credit

Friday, April 30, 2010

"Do or do not...there is no try."

These words were spoken by Yoda, Jedi Master in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. Yoda was speaking to Luke Skywalker. Though I have never reached Master status in the Empire or anywhere else, I agree with Yoda.

It can be so easy to say we'll try to be less grumpy or more helpful or whatever. The trouble with trying to do something is that we have a built-in excuse if it doesn't work out. "Well, I tried. It's not my fault." Maybe not, but trying is not the same as doing. Trying can generate a sort of whiny feeling inside us, while doing engenders a feeling of strength...whether things work out or not.

If you want to change your attitude, then just do so. If you want to learn something new, get started. "Trying" is too tentative, and it can keep us from fully going after something. So listen to the Master: "Do or do not. There is no try."

Does Surrender = Giving up?

This afternoon, the idea of surrender came up in a conversation. Like my friend, I used to think that to surrender to someone else's idea or to a new way of thinking meant I was giving up, turning into a doormat, being a woos. I've spent a lot of years figuring myself out and finding some sense of strength, worth and power. So why would I give that up...?

Luckily, I've learned that's not what surrender means. To me, surrender now means being willing to listen to a suggestion from somebody with more experience than I have. It means trying something different for a while, even if it's uncomfortable at first. It means being willing to give up something that doesn't work for me anymore, so I can replace it with something that does. Surrender means acknowledging, grudgingly or gracefully, that I don't have all the answers.

Dr. Gabor Mate, author of In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, was recently interviewed on CBC's Tapestry program. He gave an example of surrender that really makes sense to me. He told about someone who had decided to surrender not only his own drug and alcohol use, but also his drug-selling business. This guy gathered up all his drug paraphernalia and address books and threw them into a big garbage bag, and then took it all out to the trash. His decision and choices were surrender in action -- not just a theory or an intention, but making it so.

It's my intention to keep surrendering what isn't working for me, because when I've done this in the past, I have always benefitted. Sometimes I'm not so willing at first, or even after a while. Sometimes I just keep rolling around in the garbage for a while longer. But I can surrender my stubborn refusal to admit change is sometimes necessary. I can follow another's suggestion. I can at least be willing to be willing to be willing.

Fortunately, it doesn't take much to get started. I can surrender to the possibility of surrender.

The Choice is Yours

A few years ago, I was dealing with a difficult family situation that was bringing on a lot of stress, frustration and resentment. As I wrote and doodled about the situation in my journal, I printed a question in big, stressed letters: "So What Am I Going To Do About It?". I think I wrote and printed it several times, taking out my frustration and confusion on the paper and pen.

After a while, I noticed all those capital letters and wrote them down, too: S-W-A-I-G-T-D-A-I? The acronym looked almost like a word, and I pronounced it "swag-tuh-day." I thought, Well, Kate, what are you going to do about it? SWAIGTDAI? I spent a while coming up with possible answers to that question and slowly worked my way out of my frustration and confusion. The situation didn't go away instantly, but I found ways to handle it that worked for me and didn't include striking out at anybody.

I told my family about SWAIGTDAI and how it was helping me focus on my options and strengths, and we started to use it in all sorts of situations. We quickly found it can also work when you say it -- with love, not sarcasm -- to someone else: SWAYGTDAI? So What Are You Going To Do About It? Both versions of SWAIGTDAI are meant as gentle and firm reminders that we have choices, even if we can't see them at first or don't like them.

For example, if a family member steals from me, I have several choices in how I respond:

• scream and yell
• cry
• talk calmly with the thief
• tell everybody in the family about it
• not talk about it at all
• give the silent treatment
• kick the person out
• call the police
• not call the police
• etc.

Some of those possibilities might seem so obvious that they don't look like choices at all, but they are. And every one of them is in my power to act on or not act on, even though the whole situation and my possible reactions might feel difficult at the time.
Every day, every hour, and minute brings choices for us to make. We can make choices that work for us or against us. We can think, feel, and act in ways that ease a tough situation or make it harder. So when you feel confused, frustrated, or just plain stuck, ask yourself, "SWAIGTDAI?" Then be willing to try the answers you get.

It's So Hard to Love a Needy Person

A needy adult is one who frequently and regularly wants more than you have to offer. They feel inadequate or lonely and they expect you or others to fix their problems and to "make them" feel needed, wanted and loved -- in short, feel better than they do on their own. (My comments here do not refer to children, teenagers, the elderly, or sick people -- though at times these folks can ask for more than you have to give.)

Certainly, there's nothing wrong with feeling loved and appreciated or with demonstrating affection. It can feel deeply satisfying to know you've helped someone who's having a hard time or to work side by side with a loved one.

However, some people's requests and demands don't seem to stop, no matter how much you do. If this is the case for you, and you're feeling drained and frustrated, be reassured you can definitely do something to feel better. Try these suggestions:

• Recognize that both you and your TLO (troubled, troubling or troublesome loved one) have all the strength, value, and skills needed to live contentedly. Tell yourself, "We're both adults, and we both have all we need to do what is good in our lives."
• Know that you cannot change the other person -- but you can change how you interact with him or her.
• Consider what you've done so far to help this person. Pay attention to what happens when you do those things. Does the situation change? How, and for how long? Do some things you do work better than others? Does your TLO get better at solving her own problems?
• Notice how you feel before, during and after your TLO asks for or demands your help.
• Then, choose one situation that drains you and decide to change one of your responses to it.
• Evaluate your new approach by writing it out or discussing it with somebody you trust.
• Practice this new response until it feels comfortable and works at least most of the time. Or change your response until you find something that does help you feel less responsible for your TLO's situation.
• Realize that these suggestions can help with many difficult interactions and that some changes will come quickly, while others will take longer. Be patient; we're all works in progress.

Remember that even if a needy person's demands never seem to end, you do not have to fulfill them. Helping is one thing; fixing everything is quite another. Give yourself permission to say "no" when you choose to, and you'll find more energy for moving forward and showing genuine love to others.