Flowers & Passing it On

Sunday, March 14, 2010

It's been a few days since I made it on here due to Internet glitches that kept me offline. It feels good to be back, though I have to keep this post short. I'm heading off to have lunch with some good friends, one of whom is a beautiful 2-year old whose smile pretty much melts me into total, happy submission when she asks to climb onto my lap and read another story.

The other night a friend came over for our pre-arranged supper. She carried with her a beautiful bouquet of fresh-cut flowers. What a treat! I told her about my blog post earlier in the week in which I'd talked about the healing, refreshing, energizing power of flowers...and here she was, proving what I'd read and written.

The next morning when I got up, the first thing I consciously noticed was those flowers on the kitchen table, and they did perk me up and give me a good feeling. Both her kind thought and the flowers' beauty worked their magic, and I decided I'd buy flowers for a friend soon, too. I actually tried to yesterday, but our grocery store didn't have any left, and there's nowhere else to buy flowers at this time of year.

But the seed has been planted -- pun intended -- and I will soon pass on the small delight of fresh cut flowers to someone. And I'll probably buy some for our home, too. What a simple pleasure.

Word Wonder -- lethargy

Monday, February 15, 2010

1. a state of sluggish inaction, indifference, or dullness; apathy.

[The word "lethargy" comes, via French and Latin, from the Greek word lethargos, meaning forgetful, which in turn comes from the Greek lethe, meaning oblivion.] - Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary

It seems that in Greek mythology, the River Lethe flowed through Hades. Those who went to Hades drank the water of the river in order to forget the past -- to find oblivion. Ancient Greek physicians likened this state of oblivion to that of the deep slumber they saw in some patients, so they called the disease lethargia. The ancient Romans compared the oblivion in the myth to the oblivion of death and came up with lethalis, an adjective that today means "lethal" -- deadly or fatal. - Thereby Hangs a Tale, Charles Earle Funk.

Today the word lethargy is generally used in the way it's defined at the beginning of this post -- a state of indifference or sluggishness. Most people experience short-term lethargy every once in a while. A great night's sleep, a brisk walk, a weekend of "just" lying around or a night out with friends can often take care of it.

A longer period of lethargy can accompany depression, mourning, or illness and is a normal part of these conditions. Loss, fear, and sickness rob us of physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional energy, making it difficult to think or to perform even simple tasks. Lethargy can drain our interest in life and in the people around us.

Here are some helpful (and maybe not surprising) ways to deal with lethargy:

• Deal yourself a break. Be as kind and patient with yourself as you would be with a good friend.
• Get enough sleep. This might include naps, even if you don't usually "do" naps.
• Eat more fresh, raw foods and fewer processed foods.
• Get outside for fresh air.
• Add a walk or other exercise to your fresh air experience. Even small amounts of exercise are helpful; you can increase it bit by bit.

Allow yourself this down time. Read more. Listen to music or talking books. Visit with comfortable friends. Do easy tasks like sorting magazines or cleaning one cupboard.

Talk with a counsellor if you feel this will help. Whether your situation is temporary or long-term, counselling support can be very helpful.

One of the hardest things about dealing with the lethargy of depression and mourning is that it feels like it will never end, even if helpful books and people have assured you it will. Pay attention to your levels of energy and let them guide you as much as possible. If you feel like visiting with friends, do so. If you need a few hours on the couch, go for it. Enjoy laughter and positive energy when they come and respect the tears that can follow. Gently but firmly encourage yourself to reach a little further when you can, but don't give in to blame; feeling lethargic is not the same as being lazy or selfish.

Life may be a roller coaster at times, but if lethargy is part of your ride at the moment, accept it as best you can and be on the lookout for happier moments.

It's So Hard to Love a Manipulative Person

Do you have a loved one who tries to manipulate you? Maybe you're not sure if her actions are legitimate or not. Maybe you feel like you're to blame for the lack of harmony between you. Or maybe you feel like you're going crazy almost every time you try to talk to this person.
Well, before you can learn to deal with a manipulative person, it can help if you're clear about what manipulation looks like. Here are five common tactics of this sort of crazy-maker:

• seems to stubbornly refuse to understand you when you explain something
• arranges situations to make you look foolish
• says one thing but does another
• tries to "make you" feel responsible, inadequate or guilty
• brings up problems or requests in front of other people, making it hard for you to be honest or to refuse

If any of this sounds familiar, you may be dealing with a manipulative person. So what can you do? You can begin to take control of your part of this relationship without giving up, giving in, or belittling your loved one in return. By adjusting your thoughts and actions, you can improve how you feel about your crazy-making manipulator and deal more effectively with his behaviour.

You have many choices in how you think about and act toward this person. Consider the following responses to the five examples of manipulation listed above:
When she seems to stubbornly refuse to understand what you're saying:

• Your thoughts --> Remember that though you've spoken as clearly as you can, you cannot force anyone else to understand you, whether they're genuinely trying to comprehend or not.
• Your actions --> Say your piece only once. More than that might just be helping her frustrate and manipulate you.

When he arranges a situation to make you look foolish:

• Your thoughts --> However embarrassing this is, know that his (or anyone's) opinion of you is far less important than your opinion of yourself.
• Your actions --> You can remain silent or state calmly that his version is not the whole story. Then you can leave the situation or stay, depending on your preference.

When she says one thing but does something else:

• Your thoughts --> You might need to learn not to count on what she says, even if she seems sincere. You don't have to let her sincerity or deceitfulness rule your choices.
• Your actions --> Don't base your plans on her plans. Make your own plans, which can include your loved one if you choose.

When he tries to "make you" feel responsible, inadequate or guilty:

• Your thoughts --> Remember that no matter how much you love this person, and no matter what he says, you are in charge of your own choices and feelings.
• Your actions --> You can say something like, "That seems to be how you see it, but I see it differently." Then do or don't do whatever seems best to you in that situation.

When she makes requests or statements in front of other people that feel embarrassing or difficult to respond to:

• Your thoughts --> Keep in mind that manipulative people want to feel superior and on top of things, but that you do not need to accept their actions or let them determine what you say or do.
• Your actions --> You might stay silent, or you might calmly say something like, "This isn't a good time for us to talk about this, but I'm willing to talk about it later."

These few suggestions can give you some ideas for taking a new direction. You do not have to allow anyone else to manipulate your feelings, thoughts or actions. Why they do this is less important than how you respond, so put your valuable energy into creating new responses, and you'll find new energy to live your life -- no matter how your loved one chooses to live his or hers.

Build a Short Fence in Your Tough Relationship

Some relationships are tricky. You ride up and down, in and out, and still you hang on as best you can, even when the going gets tough. If you have problems with somebody you love – your spouse, son, aunt, friend, or whomever – you know how exhausting and scary this roller coaster ride can be.

Relationships like this are described well in these lines from the song, “Put Some Love into It,” by The Laws, a married duo from Seeleys Bay, Ontario, Canada:

Life can be a bed of roses,
Sometimes it’s just a bed of nails.
You’re up one day, down the next, it never fails.

People want their relationships to bring love, companionship, fun, support, and happiness. But if you're in a relationship that brings the opposite -- chaos, worry, sadness, frustration, hurt -- you might be feeling very discouraged. So what can you do to smooth out the ups and downs of your difficult relationship? How can you feel more peaceful and less worn out?
...By changing your approach and your thinking. You can consider new ideas, learn new skills, and change your actions. Take a look at this:
Imagine that you have next-door neighbours whose messy yard really bugs you and even messes up your yard. Their weeds broadcast seeds that take hold in your lawn. Their overflowing garbage can smells awful, and their dog drags the refuse onto your porch. They never cut their grass. Rusting cars and old appliances fight for space in the front yard. But as much as their stuff bothers you, are you going to go over there and weed the garden, haul the junk to the dump, and cut the grass? Not likely. Why not? Because it's their mess, not yours.
The same is true for your troublesome loved one's life. It's his mess, not yours -- even though it sometimes messes up your life and even though you love him. So since the mess is not yours, and you didn't cause it, and you can't control it, how about trying something different?
Here's a useful tool to help you do that. Picture a short fence, about knee height, standing up between you and your problematic loved one (between your yard and his messy yard). Now, each time your relative or friend gets drunk or yells at his kids or gets fired, picture yourself walking right up to that short fence. But you do not step over the fence, even though it's low enough for you to do so. You stop at the fence because whatever is on the other side belongs to your loved one, not to you. Picture yourself feeling love for that person, and then turn around and walk away. Find something to do that pleases you. Get a hug from somebody else. Watch a movie. Go for a walk. Do something that helps you stay on your side of the short fence and respect that your loved one's life (messy yard) is theirs to fix, not yours.
Here are two examples of how to stay on your side of the short fence:

• If your sister comes over when she's drunk and wants to drink your booze, don't try to convince her to stop drinking. You could tell her you'll talk with her when she's sober or when she decides to get help, but you won't help her drink. Your short fence reminds you that you cannot control her drinking, and her drinking problem isn't yours to fix.
• When your husband gives you the silent treatment because he's angry with you, remember that how he reacts to you is not yours to fix. You did not make him choose that reaction, and you can't make him change it. Even though the silent treatment can feel painful and confusing, you can choose to stay on your side of the short fence by getting on with your daily activities. You might calmly tell your husband that you're prepared to talk when he's ready and that you're not allowing his anger to make you feel punished. You have things to do, and you're going to enjoy your life with or without his silence or his participation.

An important key to the short fence is that you stay "in your own yard" without pointing your finger at your loved one. The short fence is not an excuse to hurl insults or blame from a safe distance; it's an opportunity to let go of anger and blame and to make positive choices for yourself. It gives you the energy to live your life and, if he decides to change, to be ready to move forward together.
The short fence can help you remember that each of us has his or her own life to live. We are each responsible for our own choices. We cannot change or control anyone but ourselves. With troublesome loved ones (TLOs for short), life and love can certainly feel more like a bed of nails than a bed of roses. However, by living your own life as well as you can (by staying on your side of that short fence), you can start to grow some roses and offer your TLO a healthier form of love. And then, as the Laws’ song goes on to say:

Love can help you climb a mountain,
Take you where you want to go.
No need to be afraid,
So have a little faith, in something we already know...

Don’t hold nothin’ back,
Remember what we’re living for,
And you’ll get so much more.

It's So Hard to Love a Needy Person

A needy adult is one who frequently and regularly wants more than you have to offer. They feel inadequate or lonely and they expect you or others to fix their problems and to "make them" feel needed, wanted and loved -- in short, feel better than they do on their own. (My comments here do not refer to children, teenagers, the elderly, or sick people -- though at times these folks can ask for more than you have to give.)

Certainly, there's nothing wrong with feeling loved and appreciated or with demonstrating affection. It can feel deeply satisfying to know you've helped someone who's having a hard time or to work side by side with a loved one.

However, some people's requests and demands don't seem to stop, no matter how much you do. If this is the case for you, and you're feeling drained and frustrated, be reassured you can definitely do something to feel better. Try these suggestions:

• Recognize that both you and your TLO (troubled, troubling or troublesome loved one) have all the strength, value, and skills needed to live contentedly. Tell yourself, "We're both adults, and we both have all we need to do what is good in our lives."
• Know that you cannot change the other person -- but you can change how you interact with him or her.
• Consider what you've done so far to help this person. Pay attention to what happens when you do those things. Does the situation change? How, and for how long? Do some things you do work better than others? Does your TLO get better at solving her own problems?
• Notice how you feel before, during and after your TLO asks for or demands your help.
• Then, choose one situation that drains you and decide to change one of your responses to it.
• Evaluate your new approach by writing it out or discussing it with somebody you trust.
• Practice this new response until it feels comfortable and works at least most of the time. Or change your response until you find something that does help you feel less responsible for your TLO's situation.
• Realize that these suggestions can help with many difficult interactions and that some changes will come quickly, while others will take longer. Be patient; we're all works in progress.

Remember that even if a needy person's demands never seem to end, you do not have to fulfill them. Helping is one thing; fixing everything is quite another. Give yourself permission to say "no" when you choose to, and you'll find more energy for moving forward and showing genuine love to others.