4 Helping Books

Friday, December 10, 2010

Here's a list of books you might find helpful for either holiday-giving or holiday-surviving:

It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted

(New Harbinger Publications. 2007)

This is an interactive book I wrote with my brother, Bill Klatte. Many have found it useful for understanding and improving troublesome relationships. Available from Chapters, Indigo, Barnes & Noble, Schwartz Books, and Amazon, as well as many independent booksellers. Also available in Spanish and Polish.

Why Good People do Bad Things -- Understanding Our Darker Selves, by James Hollis, PhD.

(Gotham Books. 2007)

I've only started this one in the last week, but two good friends vouch for its deep, helpful concepts and its ability to help us work "toward the possibility of greater wholeness." (The quote from the back cover.) They both swear by everything Dr. Hollis writes. This is my first by him. It's very good so far.

I'm having trouble downloading the photos of the next two book covers, so I'll just list them here:

• Little Ways to Keep Calm and Carry On (New Harbinger Publications. 2010) by Mark Reinecke. Available from Amazon and other stores. I haven't read this book, but I love the title because I think that many problems and many solutions come in "little ways." I also highly respect New Harbinger Publications.
• Women Food and God (Scribner. 2010) by Geneen Roth. This book is sitting on my "hope to read soon" pile. It was placed there by my friend, Beth, who says it's wonderful.

Well, those are the books I want to offer up for the moment. I hope you find something useful in one or more of them.  

Loving You is Killing Me

Friday, February 5, 2010

It took quite a while, but I finally figured out how to make available two articles I wrote for Going Bonkers? magazine, which bills itself as "The self-help magazine with a sense of humor." Published in Katy, Texas, Going Bonkers is full of practical information, support, and suggestions for dealing with all sorts of situations and problems.

In my article called "Loving You is Killing Me! -- Tips and Tools for Those Who Love a Crazy-maker" I offer suggestions for dealing with troubled, troubling, and troublesome loved ones -- TLOs for short. The ideas in the article are similar to those in the book I wrote with my brother, Bill Klatte: It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted (New Harbinger Publications).

I hope you'll find the article helpful, and I encourage you to check out Going Bonkers? magazine for more helpful articles, Bonkerisms, and Bonkeroids.

I'll post the second article tomorrow. Happy reading.

Dealing With Difficult Relationships -- in six languages

When my brother, psychotherapist Bill Klatte, and I published our book It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted (New Harbinger 2007) a couple of years ago, it was a most exciting accomplishment. Our purpose in writing this book was to help people learn to deal more effectively with difficult relationships. It has been gratifying to see the book being accepted by over ten thousand English readers.

Over the past several months, It's So Hard to Love You has also been published in Polish and Spanish. The Polish title is Jak kochac klopotliwych bliskich? and is published by sensus. Que Dificil es Quererte was published in June 2009 by Plataforma Editorial in Barcelona, Spain.

Speakers of French, Arabic, and Finnish will also be able to read It's So Hard to Love You in their own languages in the coming months. Keep an eye out for these other three editions.

It's So Hard to Love a Needy Person

A needy adult is one who frequently and regularly wants more than you have to offer. They feel inadequate or lonely and they expect you or others to fix their problems and to "make them" feel needed, wanted and loved -- in short, feel better than they do on their own. (My comments here do not refer to children, teenagers, the elderly, or sick people -- though at times these folks can ask for more than you have to give.)

Certainly, there's nothing wrong with feeling loved and appreciated or with demonstrating affection. It can feel deeply satisfying to know you've helped someone who's having a hard time or to work side by side with a loved one.

However, some people's requests and demands don't seem to stop, no matter how much you do. If this is the case for you, and you're feeling drained and frustrated, be reassured you can definitely do something to feel better. Try these suggestions:

• Recognize that both you and your TLO (troubled, troubling or troublesome loved one) have all the strength, value, and skills needed to live contentedly. Tell yourself, "We're both adults, and we both have all we need to do what is good in our lives."
• Know that you cannot change the other person -- but you can change how you interact with him or her.
• Consider what you've done so far to help this person. Pay attention to what happens when you do those things. Does the situation change? How, and for how long? Do some things you do work better than others? Does your TLO get better at solving her own problems?
• Notice how you feel before, during and after your TLO asks for or demands your help.
• Then, choose one situation that drains you and decide to change one of your responses to it.
• Evaluate your new approach by writing it out or discussing it with somebody you trust.
• Practice this new response until it feels comfortable and works at least most of the time. Or change your response until you find something that does help you feel less responsible for your TLO's situation.
• Realize that these suggestions can help with many difficult interactions and that some changes will come quickly, while others will take longer. Be patient; we're all works in progress.

Remember that even if a needy person's demands never seem to end, you do not have to fulfill them. Helping is one thing; fixing everything is quite another. Give yourself permission to say "no" when you choose to, and you'll find more energy for moving forward and showing genuine love to others.