Word Wonder -- touch

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

1. To place the hand, finger, etc., in contact with.  14. To affect the emotions of; move, especially to pity, gratitude, sympathy, etc.  -- Funk & Wagnalls Canadian College Dictionary

The word "touch" comes from the late 13th century French word touchier which meant "to touch, hit or knock." The French touchier came from the Latin word toccare, meaning "to knock or strike," as in to strike a bell or other object to create a sound. "Toccare," in turn, probably came from ancient imitative sounds (as many words do -- hush, buzz, clink). Imagine the sound made from striking a hollow wooden tube or wooden blocks: toc toc toc...

So, touching an object to get a sound became toccare, which became touchier, which became touch. And then it's only through the wonders of human communication and time that the current 106 related meanings (that I could find) came into use in English. Here are a few of them:

• get in touch -- make contact with someone
• soft touch -- a person who is easily manipulated. This term is first recorded in 1940.
• touch -- to stir emotionally. First used in the mid-1300s.
• touch -- to feel with the hand or other body part, from the late 1200s
• touche -- an exclamation that comes from fencing, 1904. Has also come into general use to mean someone scored an emotional or intellectual point.
• touched -- stirred emotionally, since the mid-1300s
• touching -- affecting the emotions, from 1601
• touch off -- usually means to set off an argument or sensitive feelings
• touchy -- too sensitive, from 1605. This is probably an alternate form of "tetchy," which means the same thing.

Touch -- a plethora of meanings, most of which have something to do with human relationships and endeavours. We are all connected, or we distance ourselves, through touch.

Loving You is Killing Me

Friday, February 5, 2010

It took quite a while, but I finally figured out how to make available two articles I wrote for Going Bonkers? magazine, which bills itself as "The self-help magazine with a sense of humor." Published in Katy, Texas, Going Bonkers is full of practical information, support, and suggestions for dealing with all sorts of situations and problems.

In my article called "Loving You is Killing Me! -- Tips and Tools for Those Who Love a Crazy-maker" I offer suggestions for dealing with troubled, troubling, and troublesome loved ones -- TLOs for short. The ideas in the article are similar to those in the book I wrote with my brother, Bill Klatte: It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted (New Harbinger Publications).

I hope you'll find the article helpful, and I encourage you to check out Going Bonkers? magazine for more helpful articles, Bonkerisms, and Bonkeroids.

I'll post the second article tomorrow. Happy reading.

Dealing With Difficult Relationships -- in six languages

When my brother, psychotherapist Bill Klatte, and I published our book It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted (New Harbinger 2007) a couple of years ago, it was a most exciting accomplishment. Our purpose in writing this book was to help people learn to deal more effectively with difficult relationships. It has been gratifying to see the book being accepted by over ten thousand English readers.

Over the past several months, It's So Hard to Love You has also been published in Polish and Spanish. The Polish title is Jak kochac klopotliwych bliskich? and is published by sensus. Que Dificil es Quererte was published in June 2009 by Plataforma Editorial in Barcelona, Spain.

Speakers of French, Arabic, and Finnish will also be able to read It's So Hard to Love You in their own languages in the coming months. Keep an eye out for these other three editions.

It's So Hard to Love a Manipulative Person

Do you have a loved one who tries to manipulate you? Maybe you're not sure if her actions are legitimate or not. Maybe you feel like you're to blame for the lack of harmony between you. Or maybe you feel like you're going crazy almost every time you try to talk to this person.
Well, before you can learn to deal with a manipulative person, it can help if you're clear about what manipulation looks like. Here are five common tactics of this sort of crazy-maker:

• seems to stubbornly refuse to understand you when you explain something
• arranges situations to make you look foolish
• says one thing but does another
• tries to "make you" feel responsible, inadequate or guilty
• brings up problems or requests in front of other people, making it hard for you to be honest or to refuse

If any of this sounds familiar, you may be dealing with a manipulative person. So what can you do? You can begin to take control of your part of this relationship without giving up, giving in, or belittling your loved one in return. By adjusting your thoughts and actions, you can improve how you feel about your crazy-making manipulator and deal more effectively with his behaviour.

You have many choices in how you think about and act toward this person. Consider the following responses to the five examples of manipulation listed above:
When she seems to stubbornly refuse to understand what you're saying:

• Your thoughts --> Remember that though you've spoken as clearly as you can, you cannot force anyone else to understand you, whether they're genuinely trying to comprehend or not.
• Your actions --> Say your piece only once. More than that might just be helping her frustrate and manipulate you.

When he arranges a situation to make you look foolish:

• Your thoughts --> However embarrassing this is, know that his (or anyone's) opinion of you is far less important than your opinion of yourself.
• Your actions --> You can remain silent or state calmly that his version is not the whole story. Then you can leave the situation or stay, depending on your preference.

When she says one thing but does something else:

• Your thoughts --> You might need to learn not to count on what she says, even if she seems sincere. You don't have to let her sincerity or deceitfulness rule your choices.
• Your actions --> Don't base your plans on her plans. Make your own plans, which can include your loved one if you choose.

When he tries to "make you" feel responsible, inadequate or guilty:

• Your thoughts --> Remember that no matter how much you love this person, and no matter what he says, you are in charge of your own choices and feelings.
• Your actions --> You can say something like, "That seems to be how you see it, but I see it differently." Then do or don't do whatever seems best to you in that situation.

When she makes requests or statements in front of other people that feel embarrassing or difficult to respond to:

• Your thoughts --> Keep in mind that manipulative people want to feel superior and on top of things, but that you do not need to accept their actions or let them determine what you say or do.
• Your actions --> You might stay silent, or you might calmly say something like, "This isn't a good time for us to talk about this, but I'm willing to talk about it later."

These few suggestions can give you some ideas for taking a new direction. You do not have to allow anyone else to manipulate your feelings, thoughts or actions. Why they do this is less important than how you respond, so put your valuable energy into creating new responses, and you'll find new energy to live your life -- no matter how your loved one chooses to live his or hers.