July - Warmth & Well-being for 31 Days

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Today is Canada Day for me and just about Independence Day for Americans. As I've said in other first-of-the-month columns this year, I have mixed feelings about some holidays. However, I am grateful to live in this country. Canada is, of course, not perfect, but Canadians enjoy many freedoms and opportunities. I feel grateful to live here. It is the land of my heart, though not the land of my birth.

So, as I begin a new month with thoughts of gratitude and celebration, I offer these other July observances for your consideration:





Freedom From Fear Of Speaking Day - July 2

For many who have been abused, neglected or otherwise discounted, it can be very difficult to speak up. So much of what I believe in and write about has to do with undoing degrading messages. One part of this undoing is starting to speak up for yourself. As with many personal changes you choose to make, you might find this one easier to kick-start with small changes. Say "no" when asked to do a chore you really do not want to do. Don't just go along with the crowd that does something you disagree with. Tell someone you trust how you really feel about a difficult topic or decision. On July 2 give yourself the challenge and the chance to speak up and speak out.

Take Charge Of Change Week - July 9-15

Click on this link, OnlineOrganizing.com, to find tips and resources for making change in various aspects of life.

Toss Away The "Could Haves" and "Should Haves" Day - July 15

Here is another great chance to change your thinking about yourself. For this one day, July 15, remind yourself not to say or even think the words "could have" and "should have." These words are so loaded with shame, guilt, blame and regret. What's more, the words and the thinking behind them drain away the energy you could be using to stay in the moment, to feel, act and think positively.

World Youth Day - July 15

See my comments below about National Make a Difference to a Child Month. Honour the young people you know and encounter. Be willing to drop your assumptions about them. Encourage their questions and support their efforts. Love them, respect them, enjoy them.

Parent's Day - 4th Sunday of every July

Visit the American National Parents' Day website at http://www.parentsday.com 

Mental Illness Awareness Month

Social Wellness Month

Purposeful Parenting Month

Family Reunion Month

National Make a Difference to Children Month

The other day I wrote about Dr. Gabor Maté, a physician working with addicts in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside. Maté states that every female and many of the males he has worked with who have serious addictions were abused as children. I have seen the same correlation between childhood trauma and addiction. So please, please make a difference to one child this month (for starters). Speak out against childhood sexual abuse. Learn how to spot the symptoms of abuse. Love the children in your sphere by offering them consistent care, respect, smiles and safety. Be a trustworthy, safe adult so children have someone to go to with their struggles and questions. DO NOT SHAME CHILDREN. Don't laugh at them when they make mistakes or do something differently than you think it should be done. Allow for individuality and teach them solid practices. Don't guilt or coerce them into compliance. Do what you say you will do. Make a difference to the children around you.

Choose not to Compare

Friday, May 14, 2010

In my morning mental meanderings today, something brought to mind a thing that often happens when someone is going through a difficult time. At least one person will say something like, "Well, think of all the people living in war-torn countries or so-and-so who just lost his whole family, or...," etc. etc. You've probably heard it. Maybe you've said it yourself.

People who say such things intend to help. They think that by getting your mind off your troubles, you'll feel better. They think that if you're reminded of how much worse life can be, your troubles won't seem so bad. Unfortunately, I don't think that's how it works. Statements like these may distract the afflicted person for the moment, but that's not necessarily a helpful part of healing or of dealing with what's going on. In addition, these statements encourage everyone to ignore difficult feelings like sadness, grief, anger and so on. As I've written before, ignoring hard feelings doesn't make them go away; it just makes them go underground. Later, they may very well emerge as headaches, depression, colds, back troubles, cancer, rage, self-pity, and many other peace-blocking symptoms.

So this morning, it occurred to me that one benefit might be found in the statement, "It could be worse. Look at so-and-so's problems." That benefit could be to recognize that in this physical life on this earth, troubles are not uncommon. They happen every day, and they happen to regular people, people just like you and me. So since we're all equally human, there's no reason to expect total lifelong freedom from difficult times. I suppose there might be people who never face calamity and loss, but I don't know too many, if any.

The other possibly helpful part of such statements is to remember that there's no quota on loss and pain. I don't know why, exactly (though I have some theories), but I do believe that's the case. I have certainly, definitely felt like I've had my share, but that doesn't seem to be how it works. When I feel like I'm getting more than my share, I remind myself there's no such thing as "shares." And this is not a depressing thought. I refuse to think and live like a victim anymore. I choose instead to be honest about my hard times and how they affect me. I choose instead to accept that other people will make choices that sadden me or cause me pain...and that I can choose how to deal with that. There is nothing about my "me-ness" that exempts me from experiencing the full range of being human.

Are pain and loss excruciating at times? Yes. Do I wish they'd go away? Yes. Do I sometimes feel like I can't take anymore? I sure do. At those times, I rely on a loved one or my spiritual source to get me through. Some days I can only manage to put one foot in front of the other until it's time to go to bed. I sometimes decide to temporarily ignore my rotten feelings and just keep busy...but I make sure that as soon as I can, I unbusy myself and deal with my feelings.

I do not advocate comparing ourselves and our troubles to someone who is "worse off." However, if you hear such words, you can use them to remember that all humans are human and that we always have choices about how to deal with our humanity.

Mothers & Families

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Today is Mother's Day in many parts of the world. With a varied history in North America and elsewhere, this day of honour and celebration is observed for various reasons -- familial, political, societal, emotional. It is also celebrated at different times; in fact, July and September seem to be the only months in which it is not celebrated somewhere.

A related holiday called National Family Month is sponsored by KidsPeace, an American "private charity dedicated to serving the behavioral and mental health needs of children, families and communities."  National Family Month is celebrated annually from Mother's Day to Father's Day and "encourages family relationships and focuses on developing healthy, confident kids."

Holidays such as these strike a strange chord within me. They remind me a bit of Valentine's Day, which I wrote about on February 13th and 14th. The concept is great: love and honour the ones around you, and demonstrate your appreciation.

What gives me pause is that the reality on the other 364 days of the year often doesn't match the concept on the one day. Mothers (and non-mothers) are still being beaten, manipulated, raped, marginalized, and descriminated against 365 days a year. Children are getting the same treatment on the same days. Some fathers get the same treatment, as well. Even with so much social programming and nice little holidays, families are in big trouble. Individuals are in big trouble.

However, ranting solves nothing (as satisfying as it can be once in a while). On the other hand, actions -- one person's actions -- can solve something. I can do my own healing and recovery work so that I no longer carry the shame that others shovelled onto me when I was a child. I can accept responsibility for my own choices. I can show kindness to my mother, no matter what happened in the past. I can forgive a father whose harm to me is incalculable...because I have shaped new beliefs about life, relationships and myself. I can honour and enjoy my children, stepchildren, and grandchildren for the worthy beings they are. I can extend a hand to the fathers and mothers I know, especially when they're having tough times.

These actions are the best way I know to truly honour myself and others as mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, children, and so on. Not that a sweet card and a fistful of flowers does any harm. They just mean so much more when they're backed up by action during the rest of the year.

May You Celebrate!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A great many people must pull out all the stops once spring truly arrives. How do I know this? Well, aside from my own experiences with springtime bliss, there's the incredible number of observances and celebrations that take place in the month of May! After I excluded those which don't in some way apply to relationships, healing or personal growth (plus the irresistibly quirky one or two, plus those that apply to books and writing), I'm still left with over thirty celebrations for the month. Amazing.

Though I'm a little late getting this posted, here's part of the short list of celebrations and observances for the month of May. May you observe them with solemnity or joy or whatever sort of honour you wish to bestow. Click on the links below to learn more.

• Mental Health Week in Canada:  Click here to play a brief public service announcement about Canadian Mental Health Week.
• Mental Health Month in the U. S.: "Mental Health America continues its tradition to celebrate "May is Mental Health Month" which began in 1949. This year, our theme "Live Your Life Well" challenges us to promote whole health and wellness in homes, communities, schools, and inform those who don't believe it's attainable."
• Older Americans Month: "The mission of AoA is to develop a comprehensive, coordinated and cost-effective system of home and community-based services that helps elderly individuals maintain their health and independence in their homes and communities."
• Heal The Children Month:  "To encourage survivors of childhood abuse and neglect to speak out. By revealing their painful experiences, they can inspire others to prevent children from suffering the same ordeals."
• Meditation Month: Check out this page of links where you can learn more. 
• National Foster Care Month
• National Teen Self-Esteem Month
• Family Wellness Month

It seems a particular shame that I was late with the May observances, because May 1 was Stepmothers Day, at least in 2006, when I was as much a stepmother as I am now. I like the idea of there being a special day for stepmothers. Even the wicked deserve a break now and then.

Three other special days I missed on May 1 are Loyalty Day, School Principals Day and...wait for it... Join Hands Day. I hope you joined hands with somebody on Saturday. But it's not too late. You could do so today, too.

To finish off, I encourage you to pat a puppy or enjoy an elephant this week during Be Kind to Animals Week, from May 2-8. And it's definitely not too late to show your gratitude to somebody's teacher from May 2-8, because this is also Teacher Appreciation Week. While you're at it, please, please celebrate this: Get Caught Reading Month.

So, I urge you to celebrate, congratulate and appreciate this month. It's a great time of the year to do them all.