Changes, Changes

A couple of weeks ago I had my right knee replaced. Having had the left one done last year at this time, and having had a generally great experience, I was actually looking forward to getting this one done. More mobility, less pain, etc.

Without launching into the details, I'll just say this experience is being a mixed bag of great, not so great, and really difficult. The knee itself is generally doing extremely well. However, problems have arisen which, coming on the heels of a tough eighteen months of grief and illness, I'm finding my resilience is slipping. Or at least it feels like it is. I'm usually an optimistic, forward-looking person, but that part of me has been soundly buffeted by circumstance for the past many months. And then I am aware of my committment to keep up with this blog. It's been two weeks since I wrote a post, and that's just too long.

My debate, now that I'm feeling a bit better physically, has centred around the content of this post. How do I write something that could be helpful to somebody "out there," while still being true to my own experience and feelings? How can  I write honestly without sounding like a whiner, when I am at a pretty low ebb? As I get going here, I'm remembering my usual approach when I don't know what to say or write -- just get started, be honest, and see what happens.

I am finding that my usual anchors aren't working so well, and that feels scary. I don't know what to feel or do about the changing circumstances in which I find myself. I don't trust my previous optimism. I don't trust my concept of Something More. Yet here I am, writing it out, however vaguely. Somehow that feels like something, at least. What, I don't know. But something, some positive response to myself and my own previous decision to keep up with this blog, to commit to it for my own sake and, hopefully, to be of some help to somebody else.

It seems my rambling is done for now, but by doing something, even as small as this, I do feel a bit better. I think it's about reaching out past my own concerns at a time when those concerns are feeling like quite a load. It's the offer that matters, not the result. I can control my offerings, but I can't control the result.

I hope you are making a great day for yourself or for someone else. Mine has gotten a little bit better. Thanks.

System Repair

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Last night I got set to do some prep for the courses I'm teaching, and I was feeling a little under the gun, as they say. I sat down, all ready to put in an hour before heading out to a meeting...and my laptop would not start. It had already not started twice before supper, so I'd turned it off to rest and rejuvenate itself. Apparently it didn't help. I was most unhappy.

So this morning, tired and cranky, I held my breath, crossed my fingers, and made a heartfelt request to the Computer Gods: "Please, please, let my laptop work this morning. I really need it." (Translation: I am feeling really needy right now.)

I got myself into the best attitude of belief and positive energy that I could muster. It was rather thin, but it was the best I could do. Opened the lid. Pushed the power button. Saw nothing but black. Again. Then...be still my heart...flashes of light blue, action in the idiot lights, and hope in my heart.

A dialogue box came up. It was called, "System Repair." Oh, blessed, blessed System Repair! I'd never seen such a thing before, but here it was, offering me hope. My little silver laptop began trying to repair itself. It made no promises, but it tried.

As the little blue bar scurried along its path, doing the best it could, I realized I already felt better just knowing my laptop had such a function. And -- personal-growth-cosmic-moment-alert -- I realized I have system repair functions, too.

My body forms scabs and scars when I have a cut. I don't have colds for longer than a week.

When I get too busy and feel pressured so that it's hard to sleep or smile or enjoy anything, my mind finds ways to cope and, in time, slow down. I don't stay utterly crazy eternally.

My emotions self-heal, too. I don't stay irritable or sad forever and ever. I look for and find reasons to be grateful when I'm down in the dumps. I believe in my friends and family most of the time, and this helps me move on from relationship glitches.

So, while my laptop did its thing, I did mine. I decided to notice and say thanks to the Computer and Cosmic Gods for system repair functions of all sorts. Which brings me to this blog post and feelings less stormy and grey than they were before.

Thanks. Miigwetch. Merci. Gracias.

Reinventing Ourselves

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Last week I had a chance to visit with my good high school friend, Sandi, and her husband, Terry Bunker. Since they live in Las Vegas, and I live in Canada, it's a treat to manage a visit once a year.

Terry and Sandi spent their working years as a marriage and family therapist (Terry) and an ESL teacher (Sandi). They combined those careers with raising six children and, somehow, maintaining several investment properties. On the eve of retirement, my friends found themselves in a new and challenging position -- that of accepting responsibility for raising four of their young grandchildren.

This has meant starting up again in the career department...and the personal energy department and the thoughts-about-their-future department. It has meant realigning their dreams with their reality. It has meant feeling at peace about this new direction of their lives, despite the challenges. Maybe because of the challenges. I respect my friends for taking this step with grace and clarity. I admire their positive outlook and the calm, loving care that is evidenced in these good natured children.

Sandi and Terry are reinventing themselves. Did they plan to? No. Are they finding benefits and blessings in their new life? Yes. And that is the point of my musings today.

It's so common for our plans to go awry -- job changes, having to move, death of a loved one, changing relationships, illness or injury, and more.

The unexpected happens because we can't predict everything around us; because we don't plan enough or we plan too much; because we change our minds; because we can't control other people; etc. But the unexpected parts of change do not have to be a problem or a struggle. Most of us need time (and maybe help) to adjust; that's human. But we can choose how we view change. We can choose to use it as a chance to reinvent ourselves.

My friends are doing this. I have done this. You probably have, too. Instead of focussing only on the losses that accompany change, we can focus on the gains. Think of it as a three-part process: 1) Evaluate the Change & the Losses  2) Focus on the Gains  3) Do Whatever You Can to Move Forward.

To use this process, ask yourself a few questions and answer them as thoroughly and deeply as you can. Writing and talking about the questions and your answers can help.

Evaluate the Change & the Losses

• What is the change that has happened to me?
• What will now be different as a result of the change?
• What don't I like about the change/what do I lose because of it?
• What could I do to accept the change and losses?
• What gains can I see as a result of the change?

Focus on the Gains

• What are all the gains I see now?
• How do I feel about these gains?
• What can I do to make the most of each gain?

Do Whatever You Can to Move Forward

• Can I feel and express gratitude for what I had before the change?
• Can I feel and express gratitude, even a tiny bit, for the change and for the gains I now see?
• What actions will I take to make the most of each gain?

Change permeates life. We don't always anticipate or like those changes, but it is certainly in our power to pick ourselves up and move forward. So go ahead. Reinvent yourself, whether you consciously decide to make the change or it jumps up and bites you in the rear end.

Defeat may serve as well as victory
To shake the soul and let the glory out.

                            --Edwin Markham, 1852-1940

Word Wonder -- serendipity

Monday, August 23, 2010

serendipity

The faculty of happening upon fortunate discoveries when not in search of them. -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary

"Serendipity" is one of my favourite words to say and one of my favourite surprises to encounter. It moves around in my mouth and my life in such wonderful ways. Until I decided to write about it here, I'd assumed the word was related somehow to "serene" or "serenade," but it isn't.

It was actually coined and then written for the first time by Horace Walpole in 1754. In a letter to Horace Mann, Walpole described his new word and where he got the idea for it. He told Mann about a 16th Century Persian story called The Three Princes of Serendip in which the king sent his royal sons on a journey. Along the way the brothers "were always making discoveries, by accident and sagacity, of things they were not in quest of.”

The word has proven so useful and descriptive of common experience that it has been absorbed into many languages. I've experienced serendipity many times myself, and I love the feeling!

One thing I like about Walpole's original definition is that it included not only a happy accident but sagacity, which means "shrewdness and wisdom." That adds a dimension to serendipity I hadn't thought of before.

The happy accident part means that when I'm headed toward a destination with some, or no, goal in mind, I might happen upon unexpected bonuses or brand new discoveries.

The sagacity part means that I would use wisdom and good judgment to string together the factors I already understand with the unexpected treasure.

Here's a small example: One time I was making potato salad and realized, after everything was ready and company was coming and I couldn't get to the store, that I didn't have enough mayonnaise. Groan... But then I saw some plain yogurt in the fridge and thought I'd try that. The sagacity part of this homely event was reasoning that since yogurt and mayo are both creamy white substances, the yogurt might be a decent substitute. The happy accident part was that the combination tasted great and was lower in fat than it would have been if I'd used only mayonnaise. Serendipity!

A bigger example: I was once asked to facilitate a micro-employment program. The job offer came at a good time for me, and I was looking forward to doing the work. The happy accident part came when I learned that I'd be co-facilitating with a former colleague I really liked and respected. The sagacity part came after the end of the program when I evaluated a number of factors and accepted the opportunity to expand our great working relationship into a personal relationship that is still solid and happy ten years later. Marvelous serendipity!

Look around you. Open your heart and mind to serendipity -- happy accidents blended with wisdom and good judgment. Notice and be grateful for all the lovely happenings that are possible for you.

July - Warmth & Well-being for 31 Days

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Today is Canada Day for me and just about Independence Day for Americans. As I've said in other first-of-the-month columns this year, I have mixed feelings about some holidays. However, I am grateful to live in this country. Canada is, of course, not perfect, but Canadians enjoy many freedoms and opportunities. I feel grateful to live here. It is the land of my heart, though not the land of my birth.

So, as I begin a new month with thoughts of gratitude and celebration, I offer these other July observances for your consideration:





Freedom From Fear Of Speaking Day - July 2

For many who have been abused, neglected or otherwise discounted, it can be very difficult to speak up. So much of what I believe in and write about has to do with undoing degrading messages. One part of this undoing is starting to speak up for yourself. As with many personal changes you choose to make, you might find this one easier to kick-start with small changes. Say "no" when asked to do a chore you really do not want to do. Don't just go along with the crowd that does something you disagree with. Tell someone you trust how you really feel about a difficult topic or decision. On July 2 give yourself the challenge and the chance to speak up and speak out.

Take Charge Of Change Week - July 9-15

Click on this link, OnlineOrganizing.com, to find tips and resources for making change in various aspects of life.

Toss Away The "Could Haves" and "Should Haves" Day - July 15

Here is another great chance to change your thinking about yourself. For this one day, July 15, remind yourself not to say or even think the words "could have" and "should have." These words are so loaded with shame, guilt, blame and regret. What's more, the words and the thinking behind them drain away the energy you could be using to stay in the moment, to feel, act and think positively.

World Youth Day - July 15

See my comments below about National Make a Difference to a Child Month. Honour the young people you know and encounter. Be willing to drop your assumptions about them. Encourage their questions and support their efforts. Love them, respect them, enjoy them.

Parent's Day - 4th Sunday of every July

Visit the American National Parents' Day website at http://www.parentsday.com 

Mental Illness Awareness Month

Social Wellness Month

Purposeful Parenting Month

Family Reunion Month

National Make a Difference to Children Month

The other day I wrote about Dr. Gabor Maté, a physician working with addicts in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside. Maté states that every female and many of the males he has worked with who have serious addictions were abused as children. I have seen the same correlation between childhood trauma and addiction. So please, please make a difference to one child this month (for starters). Speak out against childhood sexual abuse. Learn how to spot the symptoms of abuse. Love the children in your sphere by offering them consistent care, respect, smiles and safety. Be a trustworthy, safe adult so children have someone to go to with their struggles and questions. DO NOT SHAME CHILDREN. Don't laugh at them when they make mistakes or do something differently than you think it should be done. Allow for individuality and teach them solid practices. Don't guilt or coerce them into compliance. Do what you say you will do. Make a difference to the children around you.

Re-entering Blogland

Monday, May 31, 2010

This is my first post in two weeks or so, but it feels good to "be back." I had a total knee replacement done three weeks ago, and I had no idea I'd need so much rest time after the first week in the hospital. Naps are my new pastime, it seems.

The surgery went very well, and I'm recovering very well, too, I'm told by the experts. I'm extremely grateful to live in a place where such a surgery is not only possible, but excellent. My aftercare in the hospital and here at home have been wonderful. My new knee is great, and my tired, foggy brain is slowly clearing.

I look forward to getting back to posting on a pretty regular basis now. Talk to you soon.

Playing Around with Gratitude

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

You’ve probably heard of having an “attitude of gratitude.” Well, I’m all for that. Noticing what's going on around and within us and then expressing gratitude feels good. We’re more likely to help others, have more physical energy, and worry less. Express your thanks to whomever or whatever you want; I believe that's less important than the decision to look for something to be grateful for. 


I started playing around with the phrase "attitude of gratitude" and came up with a bunch of other kinds of “-itudes.” Just for fun, consider the following:
Gladitude – making happiness a habit

Raditude – being far out, man!

Gonaditude – deciding to make a baby

Baditude – Whoa! Get outa the way!

Maditude – ticked off all the time -- Grrrr......

Saditude – Even when there’s nothing wrong, I feel blue.

Daditude – Father knows best. OR Your daddy loves you. You pick.

Faditude – Cool...at least until it goes out of style

Haditude – stuck in the past

Caditude – what a jerk

Paditude – home sweet home

Plaiditude – Gotta love those Scottish prints.

Straditude – There's only one violin worth playing.

Taditude – always chopping life into tiny little bits

Aditude – what you need to make it in an ad agency

Additude – avoids subtraction whenever possible

May You Celebrate!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A great many people must pull out all the stops once spring truly arrives. How do I know this? Well, aside from my own experiences with springtime bliss, there's the incredible number of observances and celebrations that take place in the month of May! After I excluded those which don't in some way apply to relationships, healing or personal growth (plus the irresistibly quirky one or two, plus those that apply to books and writing), I'm still left with over thirty celebrations for the month. Amazing.

Though I'm a little late getting this posted, here's part of the short list of celebrations and observances for the month of May. May you observe them with solemnity or joy or whatever sort of honour you wish to bestow. Click on the links below to learn more.

• Mental Health Week in Canada:  Click here to play a brief public service announcement about Canadian Mental Health Week.
• Mental Health Month in the U. S.: "Mental Health America continues its tradition to celebrate "May is Mental Health Month" which began in 1949. This year, our theme "Live Your Life Well" challenges us to promote whole health and wellness in homes, communities, schools, and inform those who don't believe it's attainable."
• Older Americans Month: "The mission of AoA is to develop a comprehensive, coordinated and cost-effective system of home and community-based services that helps elderly individuals maintain their health and independence in their homes and communities."
• Heal The Children Month:  "To encourage survivors of childhood abuse and neglect to speak out. By revealing their painful experiences, they can inspire others to prevent children from suffering the same ordeals."
• Meditation Month: Check out this page of links where you can learn more. 
• National Foster Care Month
• National Teen Self-Esteem Month
• Family Wellness Month

It seems a particular shame that I was late with the May observances, because May 1 was Stepmothers Day, at least in 2006, when I was as much a stepmother as I am now. I like the idea of there being a special day for stepmothers. Even the wicked deserve a break now and then.

Three other special days I missed on May 1 are Loyalty Day, School Principals Day and...wait for it... Join Hands Day. I hope you joined hands with somebody on Saturday. But it's not too late. You could do so today, too.

To finish off, I encourage you to pat a puppy or enjoy an elephant this week during Be Kind to Animals Week, from May 2-8. And it's definitely not too late to show your gratitude to somebody's teacher from May 2-8, because this is also Teacher Appreciation Week. While you're at it, please, please celebrate this: Get Caught Reading Month.

So, I urge you to celebrate, congratulate and appreciate this month. It's a great time of the year to do them all.

Word Wonder -- resilient

Monday, April 26, 2010

1. Springing back to a former shape or position.  2. Capable of recoiling from pressure or shock unchanged or undamaged.  3. Elastic; buoyant. [from the little-used English word "resile," which is pronounced "re-zile" and comes from the Middle French word resiler. That comes, in turn, from the Latin resilire, meaning back (re-) and to leap (salire)]

So picture this. You stretch an elastic rubber band a little and it will, indeed , leap back to its former shape (or so close to it that no change is visible). Stretch it a number of times, and it will still be resilient enough to return to its former shape. But if you stretch it far enough and often enough, it will not be able to keep its elasticity. The rubber band will begin to show stretch marks. It might become unusable. When overtaxed, it will even break.

So it is with human beings. When trouble strikes, we are often resilient enough to bounce back, to return to our former selves. Whether we do so on our own, or with help from other people or a spiritual source, we can resume our former views and activities, with little or no lasting harm done.

However, when we are stretched repeatedly -- through abuse, illness, calamity, or loss -- we can lose at least some of our resilience. When that stretching is intensified by violence, chronic pain, malicious intent or other factors, the ability to bounce back decreases. If this goes on for a long time, we can be changed irrevocably, perhaps reaching a point where we simply cannot go back to our former hope, health or happiness.

However, the comparison has to end here. We are not rubber bands, limited by our physical nature. In fact, we aren't limited by our emotional or mental natures, either. Human beings are often able to endure and surpass terrible troubles. Many somehow become more able to adapt and better equipped to move forward. No one knows why this is so, but many people know someone, or are the someone, who has done so. Though we may never know all the factors make some people so resilient, here are a few:

• support from others     Be a helper. Reach out to somebody who's having a hard time. If you're the one having a hard time, learn to ask for help. We are social beings who flourish when we feel a sense of belonging and value; mutual support adds to those feelings.
• a positive attitude     By focusing on your preferences and brighter outcomes, you will automatically spend less time mired in loss and disappointment. Picture yourself smiling, being relaxed, feeling good, instead of investing in your sadness, stress and despair. Hope grows when we invest our energy in positive outcomes. Confidence grows when hope grows. Interest and ability thrive in confidence.
• spiritual connections     There is no prescription for this. You can foster belief in a god and a religion, or meditate, or allow the deep quiet inside you to grow by being with little children or in nature. Spiritual connection can come from creating or from enjoying others' creations. In any form, a sense of connectedness strengthens and deepens human beings.
• acceptance     This is a tricky one, because some people equate acceptance with giving up or losing. They are not the same. Acceptance is related to trusting in a larger reality, a reality that can handle individual problems and roadblocks and apparent failures. Acceptance includes a belief in a better outcome, no matter how current circumstances look. It implies a sense of connectedness. On the other hand, giving up implies loss and a lack of value in oneself or the experience. It feeds and is fed by despair and isolation. Accept what is, rather than focusing on what if?.
• gratitude     Appreciation helps us stay present in the moment, helping us notice what's going on inside and around us. A state of gratitude makes us stronger and better able to deal with difficult times.

These four factors are more complex than this, and more could be added to the list, but this isn't a book, so I'll have to leave it at that. In any case, you can increase your own resilience. It can take a short or a long time, but it is our nature to mend. What have you bounced back from in your lifetime? What will you do to increase your resilience?

Change, Change, Change

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

For many years, I've heard advice telling me to be proud of myself and my accomplishments, to toot my own horn. Up until a couple of years ago, that was very hard for me to do, because even when I felt proud about something I'd done (and feeling healthy pride took me years), the toot-my-horn advice I've heard as an adult would crash into the don't-brag advice I'd heard as a child. Noisy mess, that.

But three years ago my first book was published with a mainstream publisher, and I had to learn to promote it. And, therefore, to promote myself. That was very hard because I felt so shy about the project and the accomplishment of our goals. I wrote the book with one of my brothers, who'd already published a book, so I don't think he had the same qualms about his second one.

Despite my shyness, though, I had to learn to mention it to people, because it was a helping book, and I wanted it to help people. So I learned, first, to respond when others asked about it. I learned to call libraries and set up talks I would give on the book's topic -- dealing with difficult relationships. My natural friendliness and enjoyment of public speaking helped me move to the next level of mentioning the book when people would ask what I'd been doing lately. I got used to hearing myself talk about the writing and publishing process and about my gratitude for the book's success.

It didn't take long for me to recognize that some big changes were taking place. I now talk comfortably (and gratefully) about this accomplishment and about the book that followed it and the one that's in the works now. I learned to feel comfortable with using gifts I'd been given and with receiving attention because of them. I still do internal doubletakes at what's going on, but I enjoy what I'm doing, and I love being able to write stuff that helps somebody in any way -- by encouragement, with a laugh, a good cry, whatever. It turns my crank.

So for me the moral of the story is to continue to be open to change, whether it takes place in myself or in the world around me. If I choose to, I can continue evolving, and -- good news -- I can enjoy it. Change can make me bitter, resentful and stuck in the past, or it can help me be more interesting, useful and conscious. I definitely prefer the latter. What do you choose?

Word Wonder -- touch

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

1. To place the hand, finger, etc., in contact with.  14. To affect the emotions of; move, especially to pity, gratitude, sympathy, etc.  -- Funk & Wagnalls Canadian College Dictionary

The word "touch" comes from the late 13th century French word touchier which meant "to touch, hit or knock." The French touchier came from the Latin word toccare, meaning "to knock or strike," as in to strike a bell or other object to create a sound. "Toccare," in turn, probably came from ancient imitative sounds (as many words do -- hush, buzz, clink). Imagine the sound made from striking a hollow wooden tube or wooden blocks: toc toc toc...

So, touching an object to get a sound became toccare, which became touchier, which became touch. And then it's only through the wonders of human communication and time that the current 106 related meanings (that I could find) came into use in English. Here are a few of them:

• get in touch -- make contact with someone
• soft touch -- a person who is easily manipulated. This term is first recorded in 1940.
• touch -- to stir emotionally. First used in the mid-1300s.
• touch -- to feel with the hand or other body part, from the late 1200s
• touche -- an exclamation that comes from fencing, 1904. Has also come into general use to mean someone scored an emotional or intellectual point.
• touched -- stirred emotionally, since the mid-1300s
• touching -- affecting the emotions, from 1601
• touch off -- usually means to set off an argument or sensitive feelings
• touchy -- too sensitive, from 1605. This is probably an alternate form of "tetchy," which means the same thing.

Touch -- a plethora of meanings, most of which have something to do with human relationships and endeavours. We are all connected, or we distance ourselves, through touch.

Your Inner Voice -- a journalling exercise

Friday, March 26, 2010

I call this journalling exercise "Listening to your Inner Voice." That voice is sometimes called intuition or a gut feeling or gut instinct. Many, many of us have been taught to ignore that voice by being taught not to trust our own take on things, our own feelings and thoughts. "That's stupid; you can't do that." "Stop crying; there's nothing to be scared of." "Don't be silly; he's a nice man." "What a ridiculous idea."

We're taught to keep busy, not cry, ignore our own needs to help others, hide when we feel bad. We get sent to our rooms, hit, told to keep destructive secrets and silenced by others' silence. Many people aren't taught how to recognize and name feelings or how to listen to inner discomforts in uncomfortable situations. In many families, any response more subtle than a slap or screaming or crying is lost.

So although helping others and managing our emotions and keeping busy can all be positive actions, they can also get in the way of self-knowledge which, in turn, gets in the way of understanding others. When we don't understand ourselves and others, true compassion is difficult. We may be able to act like a nice person without actually feeling anything at all.

This journalling exercise can help you listen to your own inner voice, your gut. It can be a helpful tool for getting familiar with your true self. So grab a pen and notebook, or a computer, and get comfortable for a while. This exercise can be done in one sitting or in several shorter bouts. Remember that with journal writing, there is no wrong way to do it. Spelling, punctuation, handwriting and organization don't matter. Listening to yourself does.

Listening to your Inner Voice

Write about a time when you did or did not listen to a gut feeling about something or someone. Maybe you didn't make that phone call you thought of making, or you wrote to somebody and found out later how much it helped him. Maybe you heeded the tug prompting you to apply for a job, and as a result you met someone who became important to you, or you got the job.

Describe what was going on at the time:

• What did the inner prompting, voice, urge feel and sound like inside you?
• What did it suggest?
• If you paid attention to it, did you act on the suggestion right away or later?
• If you didn't heed it, how did you answer it -- by telling yourself it was dumb or pointless, by getting busy and forgetting about it, by consciously deciding not to listen?
• What happened after you did or did not listen to that urge?
• How did (and do) you feel about the outcome? Regret? Relief? Satisfaction? Irritation? etc......

Given that outcome, what might you do differently another time? Keep in mind that regrets can be useful if we decide to do something differently in the next situation. There's no need to hang on to regrets (in fact, doing so can be harmful), but by all means notice them and make a decision about what you'll do differently. Be grateful for the lesson and move on.

If you're happy with the outcome, dwell on the feelings and results. Decide to listen to yourself again another time. Be grateful for the lesson and move on.

In another recent blog post I wrote about intuition (click here to read it) and about the book Developing Intuition by Shakti Gawain. The post describes one fantastic way in which intuition, my inner voice, was on the right track. I find that the more I listen to my inside self, the more smoothly my life goes and the more serenity I experience. When I don't listen, things get choppy. It's a simple formula, yet I can complicate things and get in my own way, too!

In any case, know that learning to listen to one's intuition is a skill that can be learned (relearned, actually). I encourage you to listen to your inner voice. Learn to trust yourself; you're a great ally!

O Canada!

Friday, March 5,  2010
I heard on the CBC Radio (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) today that the government is considering changing the lyrics of our national anthem because a number of women are protesting the use of the words "our sons." Given that I've been writing something daily for International Women's Day, I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring on this topic.

I happen to love the "singability" and most of the sentiments contained within the official English version, but I have to say I like some of the changes proposed by Kim Campbell and others. Though I like singing our anthem, I know of others who don't -- some Native friends and some women. Ever the fence-sitter, I can also see the arguments of those who say it's all a bunch of whoo-hah -- and expensive, time-consuming whoo-hah at that.

In any case, here's my proposed version, briefly considered. The current version is on the left, and mine is on the right, with my changes Bolded.

O Canada!                                                                  O Canada!
Our home and native land!                                           Our home on Native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.                   True patriot love in all of us command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,                           With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!                                   Our True North strong and free!
From far and wide, O Canada,                                      From far and wide, O Canada,
We stand on guard for thee.                                         We stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!                            Let's keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.                          O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.                          O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Canada is a great country, though, whatever we sing and however we sing. I'm delighted and grateful to live here.

Word Wonder - woman

Thursday, March 4, 2010

During the 1970s I was in my twenties, and women's liberation  was gaining a foothold. Many young women were not content to follow their mothers into what were seen as narrowly defined and restrictive roles of housewife and mother. More women were seeing that as workers they were often -- I think I can safely say, usually -- paid less than men were for doing the same job. In addition, women weren't "supposed" to aspire to be carpenters or doctors or backhoe operators; they "should" be happy to be the secretary, the nurse or the teacher, if they were going to work outside the home at all. Women rebelled against sexual mores that restricted, judged and punished actions that were acceptable for men but not for women.

This movement included the examination of language -- the words that were used to describe women. It became unacceptable to refer to an adult female as a "girl." Other previously ordinary terms came under the microscope of social change. Why "man and wife" instead of "husband and wife?" Why use male pronouns to describe all of humanity? Why use the term "chairman" when that position was held by a woman? And so on. Usages that have become more or less the new normal in the 21st century were changed during the turbulent decades since the mid-1960s.

I was one of those young women who questioned old expectations. I examined my thinking and my language and my goals. I talked with friends, family and coworkers, encouraging them to do the same. "Just think about it," I'd say. "There's a lot of inequality going on here." In the early 70s I did a research project called "Sexism in Children's Literature" and was surprised at the overwhelming lack of female characters as protagonists and heroes in those books. Like many in my generation, I became a parent who sought gender equality in my kids' upbringing, through books, toys, pastimes and conversation.

As a lover of words and equity, I decided today to look for the origin of the word "woman." I was surprised by much of what I found. It turns out that, contrary to what I always believed about the word, it was not originally a derivative of or an attachment to the word "man." It is certainly not a combination of "womb" and "man," as I've sometimes heard. Etymologically speaking, the words "woman" and "man" are connected only in their earliest histories.

 

In fact, the story of "woman" begins with the ancient Indo-European root mem-, meaning "to think." Mem- lead to the Latin mens, "the mind" and to the Old English mann. These words referred to male and female humans of all ages.

Speakers of Old English wanted to be able to distinguish between a female human and a male human, so they came up with wif-man for female-human and wer for male-human. By the way, it was only later that wif (meaning "female") became our word "wife."

During the Middle Ages, the pronunciation of wifman slowly changed into  wimman, possibly because it was easier to pronounce without that f in the middle. Various dialects changed the spelling to wummon, wumman, wommon and womman. These changes probably account for the spellings we now see: woman and women. Through those same years, the male wer was supplanted by mann to refer to a male person. The only common vestige of wer in English today is found in "werewolf."

Just as mann started as a gender neutral term for "human" and only later added the specific sense of a male person, the word "girl" followed a similar path. It also started out as a gender neutral word, though for a young person of either sex. It wasn't until the late 1300s that it came to mean a female child.

This little investigation has led me to drop my assumption that the word "woman" is another example of the many ways women have been seen as secondary, afterthoughts and "also rans." Though oppression of women cannot sanely be denied, I know that some things have changed in the last few generations. Some things most certainly have not.

The point for me is to remind myself that I can only help myself (and others) move forward if I open my heart and mind to new information, to changing realities and ancient truths. Being willing to examine my assumptions helps. Drawing on youthful enthusiasms as well as aging perspectives helps, too.

I'm proud and grateful to be a woman. This was not always the case, but it is today.

Self-Renewal Day

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

When I was writing yesterday's post, I found several references for "Self-renewal Day," but they were on different days. That actually makes good sense, since any day can be a day of self-renewal. But since February 2 is the first one I found, I'm writing about it today. Feel free to self-renew any other days of the year, as well.Try these tips to recharge, renew, rejuvenate:

• Smile when you first wake up, no matter how you feel.
• At different times during the day, take three deep breaths.
• Instead of turning on the radio or TV, sit quietly, even for a few minutes. Breathe slowly and notice what you see and hear.
• Say "thanks" to some part of your body for what it does for you. If you get a laugh out of this, all the better.
• Gently place your hands on top of your head, with your fingers together and slightly cupped. Hold in a relaxed way for a few seconds or minutes.
• Go outside or sit beside an open window. Feel the fresh air on your face. Smile again.

These very few suggestions might be just what you need to feel renewed today. If you like one or two of them, repeat them now and again. You and everyone around you will benefit.

Excuses, Excuses...?

Thursday, January 21, 2010

For some reason, I haven't been able to get anything written on this blog for the past week and a bit. Couldn't think of a topic, focused on other projects, whatever. I'm not sure. Sometimes I find it's hard to tell the difference between an excuse and a reason.

Was it reasonable to work on other writing projects so much that my committment to regularly write on my blog lapsed? Hard to say, since my committment to those other projects is strong, too. That might -- might -- count as a reason. Maybe the extra time daily tasks have taken as a result of living on crutches for the week constitutes a reason. However, because of the knee and the crutches, I've also spent a lot of time sitting...so maybe I could have gotten to the blog after all? Such a quandry. It's certain that playing those second and third games of solitaire (nearly every day) is an excuse. Okay, that was too easy.

In mulling this over, I've not only come up with a topic for today, I've also seen yet another way our upbringing, gender, culture, age and other factors affect us. Reasons and excuses are both closely tied up in what we have been taught about work and leisure, success and failure, a person's value. As life goes on, we add to those teachings or change them, but it can sometimes be hard to shake loose old ideas that don't actually work for us anymore.

So, for me? I'm deciding today to be grateful for the positive examples of encouragement, honest effort, and satisfying results with which I was raised and to add a dose of forgiveness. Then I'll try not to let this happen again, but if it does, I guess I'll have to consider writing about time management.

Some Thoughts on Grief - Part 3

January 11, 2010

This is the final article in a series I've posted over the last three days. I wrote the series on grief with Cathy Piper, a registered nurse with a particular interest in palliative care and bereavement. Published in The Manitoulin Expositor in May 2008, the articles briefly discuss the grieving process. All quotations are taken from The Journey Through Grief, by Alan D. Wolfelt.


Moving on From Grief
In this last part of our brief series on grief, we’ll talk about moving on from grief. Keep in mind that the grief we are talking about can involve any sort of loss – a loved one, a job, a childhood, a home, and so on.

It’s not unusual to sometimes feel guilty during the grieving and healing process. Some people feel guilty when they discover advantages in the changes that have occurred, such as more time to spend with other family and friends, a preference for the new home after all, more money, or less responsibility. Some feel guilty the first time they laugh or the first day they don’t think of their departed loved one. Such feelings of guilt come from the changes life brings and are a natural part of responding to those changes. But they are not wrong or bad, and they do not mean you don’t or didn’t care. Let the feelings of guilt go by acknowledging them and reminding yourself that life really does go on and that it is a good thing to be able to enjoy it.

Another aspect of the grieving process is the unpredictable nature of memories. During the early phases of grieving, memories can come pouring in and threaten to overwhelm you. They can pop up at the worst times and refuse to leave, even when you have things you just have to do, like sleep or go to work or make supper. Memories often bring on floods of tears, feelings of anger, and a renewed sense of loss. As with guilt and all other aspects of grief that we have discussed, such remembering ups and downs are normal. In fact, they are helpful and necessary because they help us place the person, relationship, or previous state of health in the past, where it actually does reside.

Though thinking of this reality can be hard, it is natural and necessary because learning to move on from relationships or abilities or circumstances that have changed is the nature of life. Nothing can be gained by refusing to move forward, except that you may very well add burdens to your life that keep you stuck and make you unwell.

Instead, use your feelings and memories to honour and remember the people and circumstances that have gone. Enjoy and be grateful for their presence in your life for the time they were there. Discover and appreciate the lessons you’ve learned and the challenges and fun you’ve experienced because of them. Use those lessons and pleasures to enhance your life today. By appreciating and accepting the past, you will be able to live a more satisfying today and look forward to many promising tomorrows.

“Memories are my treasures…they carry my story, my song, my light. As I long for peace, I carry my memory torch with me, a vital link in the chain of humanity.”

December 25

December 25, 2009


Today might be a special day for some, but for others, it's a very difficult day. Or just a day like any other. Or a day on which to seek oblivion or avoid "the whole thing."

Whatever December 25 means to you, I wish you:

• one satisfying moment
• a smile
• the desire to do one good thing
• awareness of your worth
• a moment of gratitude
• a bite of something delicious
• a feeling of affection -- current or remembered

Make a great day.

Seven Questions

Monday, December 14, 2009

Sometimes life gets so hectic, and then our minds get so hectic, that it's hard to slow down and smell the coffee or the roses or whatever it is we want to smell.

This simple practice can help with that. I call it Seven Questions, and you only need about five minutes to do it. In fact, it takse longer to read this explanation than it takes to do the exercise itself. However, the Seven Questions exercise can refresh you and re-ground you in your own skin.

- Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Take a slow, deep breath or two.

- Ask yourself, "What do I see?" Then just name (silently or out loud) a few things your eyes fall upon -- the wall, a window, a lamp, the ceiling, curtains, a picture, whatever. Don't evaluate or judge what you see. Don't move your head around a lot to see more. Just relax and notice a few things.

- Then ask, "What do I hear?" Again, in a calm way, just notice and name what you hear. There may be a lot or a little. Don't strain. Just relax and notice.

- Continue in the same way with, "What do I smell?" This question has the added benefit of encouraging you to breathe in more fully, which is good for smelling and for calming you with fresh oxygen.

- Ask, "What do I taste?" There might not be much here, but notice what you can. Maybe it will be the coffee you just finished drinking or your unbrushed teeth if it's first thing in the morning. Whatever it is, remember not to interpret or assess; just notice.

- Ask yourself about the fifth sense, "What do I feel in my body?" Pay quiet, calm attention to the way your pants feel on your thighs, your chilly bare feet, the tension in your jaw or shoulders, how your glasses feel on your nose, etc. Don't worry about adjusting things or thinking you have to fix any of it right now; just calmly observe.

- Now that you've observed through your five senses, ask yourself two more questions. "What am I feeling emotionally?" and "What am I thinking?" As with the senses questions, ask each one separately and answer them gently and in a light, sort of detached manner. You might feel happy or sad, angry or expectant. You might be thinking you have to call your friend or that this is a boring activity or that you wish you'd been nicer to your spouse this morning. Again, don't judge your feelings and thoughts or try to change them; just notice and accept them as they are.

- Finish by taking another deep breath or two. Then express gratitude for this chance to slow down and be aware of yourself. Express your gratitude to your spiritual source or to the universe or yourself; the main thing is to appreciate these moments and whatever they have brought you.

A few comments about this grounding practice:

• Ask the five senses questions in any order; that doesn't matter. You might want to change the order once in a while, so you don't get in a rut.
• You can write in your journal after you're done. Comment on what you noticed or how you felt during and after asking the questions.
• It's useful to do the Seven Questions exercise just once a day at first, for a week or two, to get the feel for it and see what you think. If you do it too often at first, you might burn out on it and decide it's boring after the "honeymoon" wears off.
• Once you're familiar with this practice and you find it to be helpful, you can also use a shorter version throughout your day. Ask yourself a question or two during your morning break, when you go to the bathroom, standing in line at the store -- any time you have a moment and want to slow your racing mind.

So, when the rat race is getting to you, or even when it isn't, give yourself a few minutes to slow it all down. Discover or remember that being in your own skin is a good place to be.

Choose Your Attitude

Friday, December 11, 2009

This morning I had a conversation in which I was reminded that no matter what the circumstances, I can choose my attitude toward those circumstances, toward myself and other people.

This business of choosing my attitude is an active one in which I decide, step by step, what I will focus on and what feeling I'll nurture in myself. These choices are all immediate and specific to a given situation, often one in which I want to blame someone or something for what's happening to me.

By trial and error and by getting help from others, I've worked out a process that makes it possible for me to change my attitude in tough situations. I end up feeling better, and things usually work out better than they might have otherwise. Sometimes the process happens quickly, and sometimes it takes a while, but it does help. Here's a brief look at how it works for me:

     * At some point in the situation, hopefully sooner rather than later, I notice what I'm feeling -- anger, resentment, being "right" or sorry for myself, etc.

     * Once I notice my emotions, I stop and acknowledge that I don't like the way I feel. This has nothing to do with what the other person did or what's going on. I just say, sometimes out loud, "I know I don't like how I feel right now." I always get at least a tiny bit of relief after acknowledging this. Even if I still feel justified or whatever, I can acknowledge that it doesn't really feel too good in my gut or my heart.

     * Next I acknowledge that I can choose to feel better if I want to. Usually I'd rather feel calm or happy instead of resentful or justified, but sometimes I do want to roll around in my misery, and I have the choice to do that, too. Remembering this choice offers more relief because I don't have to feel better if I don't want to -- and the little kid in me just doesn't want to sometimes. But consciously remembering that I can choose to feel better at any time generally shortens my "little kid" phase.

     * Whenever I do decide to feel better, I ask myself what I'd like to feel and think instead of anger or blame or whatever.

• I might remind myself that everybody makes mistakes or has a bad day, so I can stop focussing on their recent action or words.
• Or I can decide that this matter is important and I need to talk about it or do something to change it. 
• Sometimes I can't sort it out yet, but I can decide to set the issue aside for the time being and do something useful or enjoyable in the meantime. This is not the same as sweeping it under the rug. I've just set the issue to the side, knowing I will come back to it at a better time or when I have clarity.

     * In all situations, I've learned to ask myself what part I played. Did I add to the problem? Was I implying something or dwelling on negativity or blaming somebody else? I don't always do this right away because it may not feel comfortable to take responsibility for my own actions, but it helps me to ask such questions as soon as I can.

     * Having decided to let go or deal with the situation or let it rest for a while, I consciously choose to get on with my life in a positive way. I do something I enjoy or get a job done. I might make a time to talk about things or acknowledge that it isn't such a big deal. Maybe I'll realize that the same thing didn't bother me last week, so maybe today I'm tired or thirsty or feeling vulnerable for some other reason...and then I drink some water or rest or do whatever I need to.

     * At some point soon I consciously pay attention to the fact that I feel better or the situation has improved or I've learned something. This usually includes expressing gratitude for the improvements or, at least, for my decision and ability to choose a better way. This step is important because it solidifies my learning (for the next time) and helps me live in a more aware way.

Choosing your attitude is not magic, but doing so can bring practical, almost magical results in the form of calmer days and less stressful relationships. I like the advice of a guy named Mike Dooley who says, "Thoughts become things, so choose the good ones."