Rethink Popular Sayings

Sunday, April 18, 2010

When someone is going through a tough time, or when talking to our children, we often offer advice in the form of common sayings:  Look on the bright side. God must have needed her more in heaven than we need her here. Every cloud has a silver lining. Life is short. It takes two to tango. Practice makes perfect. Though we mean well when we say them, we often use such sayings without even thinking much about their meaning or impact.

The trouble with this lack of thought is that it renders many such sayings useless or even harmful. They've become such clichés that they do little more than briefly disturb the airwaves -- unless they actually do damage. How can well-intended words harm anybody? By setting up unrealistic expectations, by glossing over a specific situation, or by ignoring the feelings of the person you say them to. Here's a closer look at few of the sayings I've sited above.

Look on the bright side. This saying is meant to help people focus less on the problem and more on hope and improvement. That's great...most of the time. But sometimes, before a person can look for the positive, happier possibilities, she needs to feel the sadness, anger or disappointment. She might first need somebody to listen so she can process the problem, which is an important part of moving forward. By tossing out this cliché, we might be ignoring what's actually going on for her right now, which can actually make it harder to move forward. Instead, ask questions about what happened and how she's feeling. Give her time to process events and feelings and be available, if you can, when she's ready to start looking on the bright side.

God must have needed him in heaven more than we need him here. When someone is grieving, it can be very hard to know what to say; we're afraid we'll make someone feel worse by saying the wrong thing. In some cultures and communities, grief is "supposed to" be expressed only briefly, if at all. Many of us don't like how we feel when somebody is unbearably sad, so we trot out clichés by way of comforting both of us. But the idea that God needs somebody in heaven can feel pretty irrelevant when your friend is in shock, horror and disbelief about his loved one's death. Offer your friend your caring presence, comfort and simple foods when he's grieving. If you're not sure what to say, silence is an excellent substitute.

Life is short. Intended to aid appreciation and endorse our choices, this saying is actually pretty negative. How about replacing it with something like this: Life is rich, so I choose to enjoy and appreciate it.

Practice makes perfect. A few years ago, I rewrote this saying to read "practice makes better" because the original form sets up unrealistic expectations. Of course, the intention behind "practice makes better" is to encourage effort and determination, which are admirable. However, it also gives the impression that if you try hard enough and are good enough and work, work, work, you can someday be perfect. For many, that's a scary prospect. We can be very good, we can become experts, but perfection can feel too huge to many, so they give up before they even start. Thinking of practice making us better keeps improvement within our grasp.

So, slow down and pay attention to yourself and others. Think about what you say before you say it, and you'll be of genuine help.

Word Wonder -- chauvinism

Monday, March 22, 2010

1. Militant glorification of one's countyr; vainglorious patriotism. 2. Unreasoning attachment to one's race, group, etc. -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary

When I was looking up another word in one of my etymology books (yes, I have several. Scary, eh?), I happened upon the word "chauvinism," and the story of the word was interesting enough that I thought I'd look into it further.

Back in the early 1800s, a French soldier named Nicolas Chauvin fought for his country and was wounded repeatedly. He was such an avid soldier that he was wounded seventeen times before he was forced to stop fighting...only because he had so many scars he could no longer lift his sword. He was given some medals, a ceremonial saber and a small pension for his service.

At this point, Chauvin transferred his intense dedication to France's leader, Napoleon Bonaparte. He couldn't say or do enough to sing the praises of his beloved Napoleon. So passionate was Chauvin that he became something of a laughingstock in his village.

His reputation would probably have died with him, except that in 1831 a couple of French playwrights heard about Chauvin and created a comical character based on him. The play was a hit, and several other authors followed their example. Meaning "excessive or blind patriotism," the term chauvinisme worked its way into the French vernacular. From there it spread to Germany as Hurrapatriotismus and to English as chauvinism.

Over time, the excessive, blind nature of the word spread to other contexts outside the national sphere. In the early 1960s, the term "male chauvinism" was coined to refer to men (and some women, actually) who were so adamant about the roles of men and women that they refused to consider greater abilities and freedoms for women. The really extreme chauvinists were called "male chauvinist pigs." In a time when many women were simply not willing to continue accepting old expectations, there was no patience for people who mocked, harassed, even physically attacked them for their beliefs.

The term "male chauvinist" is not heard often anymore. Many men in North America today accept the growing roles of women in the workplace, politics and finance. Of course, many still do not.

Word Wonder - woman

Thursday, March 4, 2010

During the 1970s I was in my twenties, and women's liberation  was gaining a foothold. Many young women were not content to follow their mothers into what were seen as narrowly defined and restrictive roles of housewife and mother. More women were seeing that as workers they were often -- I think I can safely say, usually -- paid less than men were for doing the same job. In addition, women weren't "supposed" to aspire to be carpenters or doctors or backhoe operators; they "should" be happy to be the secretary, the nurse or the teacher, if they were going to work outside the home at all. Women rebelled against sexual mores that restricted, judged and punished actions that were acceptable for men but not for women.

This movement included the examination of language -- the words that were used to describe women. It became unacceptable to refer to an adult female as a "girl." Other previously ordinary terms came under the microscope of social change. Why "man and wife" instead of "husband and wife?" Why use male pronouns to describe all of humanity? Why use the term "chairman" when that position was held by a woman? And so on. Usages that have become more or less the new normal in the 21st century were changed during the turbulent decades since the mid-1960s.

I was one of those young women who questioned old expectations. I examined my thinking and my language and my goals. I talked with friends, family and coworkers, encouraging them to do the same. "Just think about it," I'd say. "There's a lot of inequality going on here." In the early 70s I did a research project called "Sexism in Children's Literature" and was surprised at the overwhelming lack of female characters as protagonists and heroes in those books. Like many in my generation, I became a parent who sought gender equality in my kids' upbringing, through books, toys, pastimes and conversation.

As a lover of words and equity, I decided today to look for the origin of the word "woman." I was surprised by much of what I found. It turns out that, contrary to what I always believed about the word, it was not originally a derivative of or an attachment to the word "man." It is certainly not a combination of "womb" and "man," as I've sometimes heard. Etymologically speaking, the words "woman" and "man" are connected only in their earliest histories.

 

In fact, the story of "woman" begins with the ancient Indo-European root mem-, meaning "to think." Mem- lead to the Latin mens, "the mind" and to the Old English mann. These words referred to male and female humans of all ages.

Speakers of Old English wanted to be able to distinguish between a female human and a male human, so they came up with wif-man for female-human and wer for male-human. By the way, it was only later that wif (meaning "female") became our word "wife."

During the Middle Ages, the pronunciation of wifman slowly changed into  wimman, possibly because it was easier to pronounce without that f in the middle. Various dialects changed the spelling to wummon, wumman, wommon and womman. These changes probably account for the spellings we now see: woman and women. Through those same years, the male wer was supplanted by mann to refer to a male person. The only common vestige of wer in English today is found in "werewolf."

Just as mann started as a gender neutral term for "human" and only later added the specific sense of a male person, the word "girl" followed a similar path. It also started out as a gender neutral word, though for a young person of either sex. It wasn't until the late 1300s that it came to mean a female child.

This little investigation has led me to drop my assumption that the word "woman" is another example of the many ways women have been seen as secondary, afterthoughts and "also rans." Though oppression of women cannot sanely be denied, I know that some things have changed in the last few generations. Some things most certainly have not.

The point for me is to remind myself that I can only help myself (and others) move forward if I open my heart and mind to new information, to changing realities and ancient truths. Being willing to examine my assumptions helps. Drawing on youthful enthusiasms as well as aging perspectives helps, too.

I'm proud and grateful to be a woman. This was not always the case, but it is today.

Premeditated Resentments

A friend recently told me how disappointed and angry she'd felt when a group leader made crass and hurtful statements to her and others in the group. This is a small organization aimed at helping people feel better and live better than they did the day or week before. "Crass and hurtful" are not the norm there. My friend felt betrayed by the leader's words and attitudes.

I definitely know how it feels to be disappointed by someone in a position of authority. I've felt similar shock, hurt, confusion and righteous outrage. He should know better! How can she say that?! He shouldn't do that.

However, I believe "should" is a useless word and approach. Although it seems natural to want our leaders to be all-wise, kind and in control, we know that's not always how it is. Whether we're talking about a parent who abuses a child, a politician who dips into the money bags, or a teacher who can't teach, it's just not helpful to throw around our "shoulds." They get in the way of our own peace of mind, and they sure don't add to the other person's desire to improve.

Another friend once told me, "Expectations are premeditated resentments." That makes sense to me, so instead of stuffing resentments into my emotional backpack, I aim for realistic optimism with others. I can't control them or fix them, even though sometimes I wish I could. Therefore, it helps if I'm clear about what I'm looking for without feeling bent out of shape if I don't get it.

When I meet with unexpected disappointment, like my friend did recently, I still have the choice about how much, if any, resentment I want to carry about it. I might have an emotional reaction at first, but I don't have to be ruled by my emotions. I might speak up about it, or I might decide to walk away. Either way, I can get rid of my resentments as soon as possible.

Do I manage this all the time? Definitely not. Am I getting better at it? Yes, definitely. A saying I believe in is Practice Makes Better. Never mind trying to be perfect. But, I can certainly get better at something, even if I never get perfect at it. That's a peaceful and responsible approach to life that works for me.