Excuses, Excuses...?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Sometimes it's a little hard to tell the difference between making excuses (usually to diminish one's feelings of failure) and explaining oneself out of respect for another's feelings and perceptions.

Today's short little post is somewhere in the middle. I've been away from my blog for eleven days, which is too long. I have the usual string of reasons:

• super busy with work
• holiday preparations
• unexpected events taking an unexpectedly long time to resolve
• sickness

So, does anybody care why I've been away from my blog? I don't know. Does anybody notice? I don't know.

But in case you do, and because I do notice and care, I'm writing to say I'm still around. I know that bloggers sometimes lose energy for and interest in their blogs, or their lives simply move on to other pursuits. This little post is here to say that's not the situation with me. Life just really got crazy this fall, and I did my best to balance my obligations -- to others and myself. So I wrote fewer blog posts and did less of other activities I also enjoy in order to maintain the basics. And to sleep at night.

Do I feel like a failure for not keeping up with this blog lately? A tiny bit, yes. But I can live with that because I know it's not true. That's just an old feeling of insecurity rearing its nasty little head, which it does from time to time. Since I used to feel insecure quite often, I consider that to be good progress.

And have I been making excuses in this post? Some would probably say so, but I don't feel like I have. I just felt it was respectful to clarify my status for those who check in with me here. So please keep coming around. I intend to.

Stoptimism

Thursday, March 18, 2010

This morning I was moving around pretty early, trying not to wake anybody up. As I'm on crutches, that's a tad difficult because they click and clatter with every step I take. A thought popped into my head from the other day: instead of having to tip-toe around, I have to "tip-crutch."

This early morning smile made me think of how often people find ways to smile, even laugh in the face of challenges, adversity and just plain horror. Then I thought of how often we pretend we're doing okay when we're actually not. We have many sayings that encourage us to do that:

• Look on the bright side.
• Keep a stiff upper lip.
• Every cloud has a silver lining.
• Yep, I'm fine. I'm keeping busy.
• It could be worse.

The trouble with such sayings is that they often encourage us to bypass an important step when we're dealing with troubles -- that of facing and accepting the fact that we are human and that we have feelings for a reason. Feelings serve as a signal that lets us know something needs to be dealt with.

Sometimes people don't want to, or don't know how to, feel what they feel and accept their emotions as normal, okay and part of the situation. I call it "stoptimism." Don't feel, don't give yourself time to adjust, don't deal yourself a break. Just stop feeling, stop "feeling sorry for yourself" and stop  those nasty tears before they escape. Pretend you're alright and that things are fine. Well, like it or not, it's pretty hard to actually get better unless we let ourselves feel what we actually feel.

I heard a line somewhere: "Smile, and the world smiles with you. Cry, and you cry alone." Not a great incentive for honesty.

Life is a balancing act. Sometimes for a while, we might have to pretend, fake it 'til we make it, get up and get on with it. But we also have to allow ourselves to feel and express our sadness, shock, anger and confusion. The problem with a lot of pretending is that we're often pretending with ourselves, as well as with the rest of the world.

So, get real. Get some help. Get some sleep and a decent meal. Get used to the fact that you might not feel 100% all the time, at least for a while....and that that's okay. It's sometimes part of the ride.

Quit practicing stoptimism and opt for realism. Then a little joke just might manage to make you truly laugh and get on with it. Here are some responses you might consider to those platitudes I listed above:

• Look on the bright side. (Can't find my sunglasses.)
• Keep a stiff upper lip. (Makes it hard to brush my teeth, let alone smile.)
• Every cloud has a silver lining. (So why don't I feel any richer?)
• Yep, I'm fine. I'm keeping busy. (Take the u and the y out of busy. What's left?)
• It could be worse. (Of course it could, but right now it feels lousy.)

For myself, I've acknowledged that my knee hurts every day, and I'm sick of these crutches, after needing them for over two months (with the light at the end of the tunnel being the size of a pin prick). I've felt and expressed my frustration and concern. So now I'm back to the humour part. As I often say, if ya can't laugh, ya might as well dance.

Well, okay, maybe that one doesn't work. But, still...you get the idea.

4 Sites for Women (& Men)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I've been all over the map today, trying to focus in on what I'd write about in this post. Nothing seemed to be gelling, but I often find when I'm stuck in some way that doing anything is often better than doing nothing. And now I've ended up liking this post just fine. I hope you do, too.

Here are four websites and blogs by women I know or have happened upon in my webly travels:

Juicy Tomatoes - Ripe living after 51, with Susan Swartz. On February 25, Susan wrote a blog post called "Women's History...Once More with Feeling." Her opening paragraphs read:

Why do we have to keep dredging up women’s history? Why do we need all of March to talk about it? I mean, that was then, this is now. Can’t we just move on? After all, we’ve got Hillary. We’ve got Nancy. We win Olympic medals. Women make history all the time.

Yes, but we still have a couple of thousand years of male-dominated history to balance.

Learning and Violence - "The site is one step towards a long held dream of a virtual international institute for research and innovative practice to understand and address the impact of violence on learning. The vision was germinated by Jenny Horsman with the help of Elizabeth Morrish and Judy Hofer and incubated in discussions with educators and researchers from many different countries."

Native Women's Association of Canada - a message from President Jeannette Corbiere Lavell:

"...I am proud of our association’s distinguished, three decade long history of dedication to restoring the positive social, economic, cultural and political well-being of Aboriginal women in Canada.


Over the years many strong women have dedicated their valuable time to achieve our association’s vision of advocating, educating, and promoting gender equality for our current and future generations. Our work is more important than ever, and as we continue to participate in high profile government and community initiatives we aim to keep you up to date by providing this information on our website. I encourage women of all ages to stay informed by visiting our website on a regular basis."

Center for Women's Global Leadership - "The Center for Women's Global Leadership (CWGL) develops and facilitates women's leadership for women's human rights and social justice worldwide."

Noteworthy March Days

March 1, 2010

Here it is already -- the beginning of a new month and time for me to pull out March's observations. They arise from Canada, the U. S. and other countries. Some have sponsors and are advertised and observed in an official way. Others apparently don't have a sponsor; I guess some individual or group just thought they'd be a good idea.

As I said in my January and February posts, people love to mark special events, days and people, so I've opted to give them a bit of "air-time" on my blog. I only mention observations related in some way to this blog, including the ones I think are quirky or that make me laugh. Balance, people, balance.

So, here are March's days of note:

• International Listening Awareness Month - We're not talking hearing but, rather, listening...with your ears, mind, heart and spirit. At least that's my very brief take on truly listening.
• International Women’s Day, March 8. More on this in days to come, but please check out the Canadian Status of Women website. "Strong Women, Strong Canada, Strong World."
• Well Elderly Day - I actually don't know the date of this one, but surely each of us can contribute to one elderly person's day in some good way. Any day would be great.
• Companies That Care Day - I find it ironic that no sponsor has been found for this one.
• Forgive Mom and Dad Day - One of my sons went to a great high school in Ottawa. Every morning, the principal -- who greeted every single kid by name in that very large school -- would finish each day's intercom announcements with the friendly admonition, "And remember...be nice to your parents." He was so well liked that one of the art students painted his likeness and his words on the wall in one of the main corridors. As a parent, I had to love the guy. As a daughter, I was nudged by his gentle reminders to do some forgiving of my own imperfect parents.
• National Problem Gambling Awareness Week - This American site contains pages and pages of valuable information about problem gambling.
• National Women's History Month
• National Ethics Awareness Month
• National Optimism Month
• Return The Borrowed Books Week, March 1-7 -- Go ahead. Do it. Root around under the bed and on the floor of the hall closet and find those long-overdue library books you've been too busy to return. Your librarian will love you. So will I.

And what, oh, what would this column of celebrations and observations be without one delightful oddity? March's prize for Wacky Observation of the Month goes to...drum roll, please...National Umbrella Month. I live in snow country, so the idea of honouring umbrellas in March seems a bit crazy, or premature, anyway. So, I figure this one may have originated in London, Vancouver or Seattle. Maybe they have rainy Marches and feel honour bound to celebrate their umbrellas.

In any case, have a great March -- whatever you celebrate.

Some Thoughts on Grief - Part 2

January 10, 2010

Here is the second part of the series I wrote about grief with Cathy Piper, a registered nurse with an interest in palliative care and grief. Published in The Manitoulin Expositor in May 2008, the articles briefly discuss the grieving process. All quotations are taken from The Journey Through Grief, by Alan D. Wolfelt.

Feeling the Grief in Its Many Forms

Yesterday we wrote about the nature of grief, that it is a natural human response to any sort of loss – of a loved one, a job or home, good health, and so on. By acknowledging loss and its natural feelings of pain and anger, you can move through grief and come out on the other side. Feeling these feelings is not a sign of weakness. In fact, by allowing yourself to actually feel what you feel, you will become stronger and will be able to live with your loss in a balanced way. By asking for help and by honouring your needs for both solitude and company, you can keep going.

As the feelings of grief come and go, you might feel like you’re lost in a terrible and empty wasteland. “Grief creates a natural disorientation…a kind of emotional and spiritual wilderness. In loss comes a period of emptiness, aloneness…new life has not yet emerged.”

It is so important and helpful to allow your sadness and confusion to run their course – with help and support. Trusted friends and family, clergy and counsellors, books and other information can all help you along the way. The fact that death and other losses are a common part of life does not mean you have to “get over it” in a certain period of time, as is so often what people believe. The healthy course of grieving allows you to work your loss into the fabric of your life; it does not have to rip it apart beyond repair.

Many people try to protect themselves from the sadness, anger and emptiness of grief by not talking or even thinking about it. Certainly there are times when you do just have to get on with the business of living, but just as certainly, there are times when it’s important to deal with what is inside you – including difficult feelings. In fact, trying to avoid the pain at all costs actually increases the pain, by prolonging it longer than necessary and causing it to “go underground.” When difficult feelings get pushed down, they almost inevitably show up again in the forms of depression, sleeplessness, illness, anger, drug and alcohol abuse, discontent, and so on.

The natural and necessary feelings of anger, fear, confusion, sadness, guilt and emptiness that follow a loss can be very draining. However, they are also signals that something needs to be done to move forward – talk to someone, have a good cry, sit in silence, write in a journal, go for a walk or hard workout, hug a loved one. These small acts, over time, bring acceptance and healing. Pain, confusion and anger diminish. You find yourself smiling more, enjoying favourite pastimes again instead of just going through the motions. Eventually, you can feel excitement again and even look toward the future without dismay. Despair lessens to sadness, then melancholy and, finally, acceptance and peace.

“I don’t have to go in search of the pain of grief…it finds me. It’s when I deny or insulate myself from the pain of the loss that I shut down. Ironically, it is in being open to the pain that I move through it to renewed living.”