Climb Every Mountain

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The other night I watched part of the 1965 movie, The Sound of Music. Its songs have provided me with several pleasant little earworms, such as Climb Ev'ry Mountain by Rodgers and Hammerstein. These words keep soaring through my mind:

Climb ev'ry mountain, ford ev'ry stream,
Follow ev'ry rainbow, 'til you find your dream.

A dream that will need all the love you can give,

Ev'ry day of your life, for as long as you live.

Climb ev'ry mountain, ford ev'ry stream.

Follow ev'ry mountain, 'til you find your dream.

After watching this movie, I reflected on its place in Western history and my own life. As a white, middle-class, post-war baby-boomer, I grew up with optimistic television and "nice" values. Despite being raised and abused by a war-veteran father who I now believe may have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and a nervous homemaker mother, I absorbed the hopeful ideals and views of my time and place. Walt Disney's "...and they lived happily ever after" sums up the ideal pretty well.

By the time I was a young teenager, which is when The Sound of Music film came out, I was a veteran of years of sexual abuse by several people. I needed hope badly. I needed something to believe in, some inspiration to pull me forward into adult life. Songs such as Climb Ev'ry Mountain and the film story that surrounded it provided some of that inspiration.

Somehow I found ways to believe in "happily ever after" for people in general (though not yet for myself). Through music and story, my own feelings were stirred. I came, so slowly, to believe that if I climbed the mountains in front of me I would find my dream. I certainly didn't consciously think in those terms, since I acted like a pretty normal teen, but hindsight reveals my young beliefs to me. I was an idealistic, painfully poetic adolescent and young woman.

But you know what? I recognize today that no matter how hokey those ideals (and the songs and movies that inspired them) may seem to some, they have helped me move forward. They have fueled my dreams. I'm finally old enough to be only slightly embarrassed by my enjoyment of sentimental, sweet stories and songs.

I'm finally old enough to see how music and story help me sing my own life.

What helps you sing your life? Who and what have inspired and shaped you? Make time to notice and savour those gifts. Sing your songs. Craft your dreams. Work out your own rhythm.

Vote Tonight! Theo & Jaime -- Raising Awareness

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Theo Fleury and Jaimie Sale in the Battle of the Blades.

Yesterday I wrote about Theoren Fleury, a former member of the National Hockey League (NHL). His strong advocacy work to raise awareness about childhood sexual abuse and to change laws that affect it has lead to his participation in the Battle of the Blades.

Take a look at this information I copied from The Men's Project website:

The Men's Project is proud to be part of Battle of the Blades. We have been selected by Jamie Salé and Theo Fleury as their charity of choice.

So, go ahead. Watch the skating or simply vote for a pair of skaters who believe in helping survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Here's a situation where your vote really does matter.

Watch CBC on Sunday, October 24th at 8:00 p.m. ET to see their performance and keep them in the game! The Live Elimination will happen on Monday, October 25th at 8:00 p.m.

You can vote for Jamie and Theo a number of ways:

- Vote Online: www.cbc.ca/battle
- Vote Via Phone: Dial 877-844-8158
- Vote Via Text: Please note that each text costs users 15 cents but all proceeds after carrier charges will go to the the charity. Text 58 to 777111

You can text 50 times per voting window, vote online 25 times per person, per hour, or vote by telephone an unlimited number of times.

Canadians can vote after the Sunday performance show from 7:00 p.m. ET to 2:00 a.m. ET.

Your vote matters! The winning pair donates $100,000 to their chosen charity and all other pairs win $25,000 to give to their chosen charity.

Theo Fleury on Sexual Abuse

Saturday, October 24, 2010

The other night I went to hear Theoren Fleury speak about his life. Theo played hockey in the National Hockey League (NHL) for a number of years, and he did speak briefly about that part of his life.

However, Theo spoke primarily about the devastating affect sexual abuse had on his life and the healing work he's done in recent years. Roaming calmly back and forth across the stage, Theo talked with confidence and, at times, intensity about his experiences of abuse, addiction, healing, and recovery.

From what I've read in his book and what I heard the other night, I would guess that for Theo, being sexually abused by his hockey coach was probably one of the worst betrayals he could have experienced. Theo had been passionate, determined, and intently focused on hockey as a boy. He spoke of how hockey filled his mind and life when he was young. So, to begin finding recognition and success in his beloved sport, and then to be sexually abused by his coach, must have sent that young boy reeling into confusion, terror, and despair.

These are common reactions to childhood sexual abuse, and Theo conveyed the impact of his experiences with power, honesty, and serenity -- evidence of the great amount of work he has done to help himself and to reach out to others.

I admire and commend Theo for speaking so openly and publicly about his struggles and his glories along the healing road. I appreciated the straightforward, real way in which he talked with the audience. His air of gratitude and comfort in his own skin felt real and natural. We could all have been sitting around his kitchen table having a cup of coffee together.

If you'd like to know more about Theo's powerful advocacy regarding sexual abuse, click here to check out his website, http://www.theofleury14.com/. Read about his energetic work on behalf of other children who have been and are being sexually abused. On Theo's website you'll find links to several organizations, two of which I list here:

• The Men's Project: "... a non-profit charitable men's counselling agency that has been providing services to men and their families since 1997. The Men's Project provides individual and couple counselling, as well as a specialized healing program for men who have experienced sexual or physical abuse as children, anger management, emotional intelligence, and fathering."
• 1 in 6: "...To help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives. This includes providing resources for people who care about them."

If you were sexually abused as a child, perhaps reading Theo's book or checking out his website will help you. And I want to tell you:

It was not your fault. Period.

You don't have to carry your feelings & memories alone; help is available.

Unfortunately, many children get abused sexually, but healing is truly, absolutely possible.

Theo Fleury and I are two examples of that truth.

Please, ask someone for help. Read some books. Click here to read my other blog posts about sexual abuse. 

Life can be better.

 One of them  
I read Theo's book a few months ago

It wasn't your fault

Monday, September 6, 2010

Sometimes a message is short and simple:

If you were abused in any way as a child, it was not your fault.

Though abusers want child victims to feel guilty and ashamed, it is always the adult who is responsible for the abuse.

If you would like to read more of my posts about abuse or find other resources, click here and here.

Website for Sexual Abuse Survivors

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I have recently learned about a website dedicated to "Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) Working Together To Heal, Recover, and Enact Change and Understanding to Confront the Effects of CSA Throughout An Adult's Life."


The website is hosted by the Let Go...Let Peace Come In Foundation (click here to visit the site), which is based in the United States but aims to reach survivors all over the world. Their mission statement reads:

The mission of Let Go, Let Peace Come In is to bring healing, support, and awareness to the hundreds of millions of adult childhood sexual abuse survivors and their families worldwide. We plan to enact change within the healthcare systems, political systems, and societies by teaching and educating through the current technologies. We will weave our message of peace, hope, recovery and happiness into the fabric of these societies by integrating published materials with video, audio and Internet media throughout the world. And we will raise money for a non-profit fund to provide the financial assistance necessary to start survivors of childhood sexual abuse on the path to recovery “one” survivor at a time.

What I've seen of the website so far impresses me. Anyone who has been abused is encouraged to explore the site and write in if they wish. Professionals and others who have expertise or interest are also welcome to participate in the ongoing work of the Foundation.
 
If you were sexually abused as a child or know anyone who wishes to learn about sexual abuse and healing, this resource might be helpful.

Sexual Abuse: A Powerful Secret

Friday, July 16, 2010

People who have been sexually abused or assaulted experience a wide range of feelings. Depending on the circumstances, it is very common to feel some or all of the following:

• confusion
• shame
• physical pain (often, but not always)
• fear, terror
• despair
• anger, rage
• guilt
• disgust
• sadness
• loneliness
• disconnection from self
• isolation from others
• hatred
• depression
• dread
• shock
• desperation
• a belief that she or he deserves the abuse
• betrayal
• abandonment
• a desire to protect siblings from the abuse
• guilt and/or relief when another sibling gets abused instead
• denial
• responsibility

This mix of responses to sexual abuse can be truly overwhelming. In addition, this terrible "package" is wrapped up in a powerful layer of secrecy. This secrecy might be conveyed by the abuser directly: "Don't tell anyone, or you'll really pay." Even when such threats are not spoken out loud, most victims feel so overwhelmed with the above feelings that they don't know how to tell or whom to tell. In many cases, they do not have the words to describe their experiences, or they can't see how anybody would believe them.

And so the secret gains power.

If no one knows about the abuse, no one can stop the abuse or help the victim. If it continues, the victim often finds ways to just keep getting up each day and trying to live as "normal" a life as possible -- school, play, work, relationships. He or she finds ways to cope after the abuse ends, too, and learns to believe it's been dealt with.

And so the secret gains power.

The years go by, and the terrible memories go deeper and deeper. Outward ways of coping, such as addiction, promiscuity, workaholism, depression, suicidal thoughts are blamed for life problems instead of being seen as very human long-term responses to earlier abuse, degradation and neglect.

And so the secret gains power.

Though this sort of pattern is common for many, it does not have to continue. At any time, someone who has been victimized can tell someone else about what happened. It is never, ever too late to tell. It's never too late to reach out and grab a helping hand. It's never too late to begin recognizing the past for what it was -- somebody else acting out his or her need to control.

The secret loses its power when you talk about the abuse. Telling is rarely easy at the beginning, but you can learn the skills needed to heal.

Over the years, I have often talked openly about the sexual abuse I lived with as a child. I have talked just as openly about what I've done to heal. Nearly every single time, someone has come up to me afterwards and said, "I never told anybody, but that happened to me, too."

And so the secret loses its power.

I encourage you to talk about what happened to you. It is not your fault if someone abused you as a child or assaulted you as an adult, and you no longer have to carry it alone.

Please talk to a counsellor, spiritual leader, police officer, friend or anyone you feel you can. If that person doesn't know how to help you, talk to someone else. Not everyone knows what to say or how to help, but many people do. And those people are ready, willing and able. Give them a chance to help you end the power of the secret.

The Reality of Sexual Abuse

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

In past months I have written a number of posts about sexual abuse and assault. (To find them, scroll down the long, alphabetical list of Labels in the right-hand column of this blog page. Click on "sexual abuse/assault.") In those posts, I've defined sexual abuse and described common feelings people have when they are abused in this way. I've offered resources to look into.

As I've also said before, people of all ages, genders, educational levels, financial backgrounds, religions and cultures experience sexual abuse. These photos represent this diversity. As sad as they are, I encourage you not to turn away. The sadness, shame, confusion, loneliness and fear you see in these faces reflect the reality for many. If you find these images and words difficult to take in, imagine what it is like for those who have experienced the abuse themselves.

Do not leave them alone with their pain any longer.

Current official statistics indicate that 1 out of every 3 females experiences sexual abuse before the age of 18. One in every 6 males does, too. Many who work in the field believe the numbers are higher, but due to the power of this terrible secret, many victims never disclose the abuse they endure.

No matter what the numbers may actually be, here is a way to turn the stats into human reality. Think of any common setting in which you find yourself on a regular (or irregular) basis -- the grocery store, church, work, an airport, etc. Stop and look around. Count off every third or or sixth person in that place and realize that the chances are very good that you are seeing the number of people who have been or will be abused sexually.

Every third or sixth person in your community has been touched sexually without giving permission; or has been forced to look at sexual pictures against his or her will; or has been raped; or has been forced to perform sexual acts on another person or an animal; or has been exposed to some form of unwanted sexual touching or activity.

Every third or sixth person has felt so terrified, betrayed, threatened and confused that she or he cannot tell what has happened. He or she may not even have words to describe the abuse, even if they wanted to try.

Every third or sixth person you see around you is doing his or her best to carry unbearable memories deep inside...and still live daily life as "normally" as possible.

If you have never encountered sexual abuse yourself, you may find it hard to believe, accept or face. But be assured, sexual abuse is a regular, nightly, daily occurrence around the world. In your town. Probably on your street. You owe it to yourself, your loved ones and your community to learn about sexual abuse. Find out what you can do to support healing for those who need it.

Healing is absolutely possible!

If you are one of the people I am talking about, give yourself huge credit for making it this far. You're not as alone as you may feel. You are not to blame. You can learn to understand what happened to you and deal with your difficult and overwhelming feelings.

Everyone can make choices to help themselves and others move forward. Talk to a counsellor, trusted friend, police officer or religious leader. Read about sexual abuse online and in books.

You do not have to carry this alone.

Sweet 16? Not Always

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

For the past three Mondays, I have caught parts of a radio program broadcast on Ideas in the Afternoon, a current affairs program of the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation). The program was called "It's a Teen's World -- wired for sex, lies, and power trips," and it gave a disturbing and forthright view of teen life, by teens, in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. The implication is that many teens in North America (and perhaps around the world?) experience and exert similar pressures regarding sex and bullying -- which seem to go hand in hand for many.

Although my work is usually with adults, I feel it's important to point to this recent broadcast because of its implications for teens, their parents and for the adults those teens will become in a few short years. Sexual harassment, pressure, bullying and abuse have become commonplace, at least for many teens. The ineffectiveness of saying "no" is disturbing, especially in light of the education that many parents have had through the media and their own educations in the 70s, 80s and 90s. What is causing the apparently huge disconnect between these kids' current experiences and those of their parents? What is to be done to help teenagers find ways to openly and effectively deal with the huge pressures many of them live with?

Journalist Lynn Glazier has done an excellent job amplifying the voices of the young people who made this documentary with her. I strongly encourage you to listen to what they have to say. Click here to read about the three segments and to listen to them.

And then, whether you have teens in your life or not, give some thought to how you can help. Listen more carefully to teenagers. Find out from them what sort of help and support they need. Don't be naive, but also don't assume every adolescent deals with the sexual pressures portrayed in the documentary. Ask questions. Don't assume you know what their lives are like based on your own adolescent experiences. Don't assume you know what teens want. Listen to the answers. Find out if and how you can help...and then do those things. Keep at it for the long haul, as challenging as that might sound.

If kids and teens are going to have a chance to enjoy satisfying and successful adult relationships, they need to find ways to build respectful, fun and interesting relational foundations now.

April Showers & Other Good Things

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

It’s a little hard to believe April is here already, let alone nearly a week gone. It’s also a little hard to believe – and somewhat disappointing – that I couldn’t find any April celebrations sillier than April Fool’s Day. Guess that one has to carry the month. I hope you played a good joke on somebody.

Anyway, I've been unexpectedly without computer access for several days, so I’m running a bit late with my monthly list of observations. But here they are, listed with any websites I could find, in case you’d like more information.

• Sexual Abuse Awareness Month -- This link lists a Google search for this observation.

• Alcohol Awareness Month (http://www.ncadd.org)/ -- an American site

• Counseling Awareness Month (http://www.counseling.org/) -- the American Counseling Association

• Eating Disorders Awareness (http://www.anad.org/) -- website for the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Eating Disorders

• Conflict Awareness Month

• Informed Woman Month

• National Child Abuse Prevention Month

• Couple Appreciation Month

• Reconciliation Day - April 2

• National Siblings Day - http://www.siblings-day.com/ -- a Google search page listing many links

So, I hope you have a great April. Whether you follow any of these leads to relationship and personal information, I urge you to listen to yourself and others. Open up to change and to feeling better. Learn and do what you can to become a happier, healthier, more centred you.

International Women's Day

March 8, 2010

Today is International Women's Day.

If you are a woman, I encourage you to examine your life as a woman in your place, your time. What can you do, today, to inprove your own sense of equality in your daily life? Do that thing. Start small or start big; that's up to you, but please start. Use your voice to speak up for yourself. Use your feet to carry you into a new challenge. Use your hands to make one change today, to set the stage for other changes in your future. Ask yourself the same questions I ask of men in the next paragraph.

If you are a man, I encourage you to examine the lives of the women you know and have known, as well as your own life. How have you related to women thus far? What jokes do you tell that feed old assumptions and attitudes? Do you see yourself and the women around you as being on the same level? Ask a woman how she feels when she walks down a dark street at night and compare that to how you feel doing the same thing. Notice how many jobs you see as "women's work," even if you would never use that term. Ask yourself the same questions I ask of women in the paragraph above.

You know the issues:

• sexual abuse and assault
• work safety
• equal pay
• education
• safe health options and practices
• domestic assault
• minimizing women through "humour"
• sexism in books, magazines and textbooks
• elder abuse
• access to training and jobs
• lack of safety in our communities
• cultural practices that harm and limit women and girls
• lack of female-specific health research and treatment
• assumptions of weakness, timidity and inadequacy

The list is longer than that, but this is a start. No matter where you live, I guarantee that at least some of these problems are common to the women and girls around you...and just because they are female, not because of general poverty or other situations.

There's so much information out there about women and oppression and rights and equality that I will not write any more about them here. Instead I refer you to some useful resources, adding to the list I gave in my March 3 post, "4 Sites for Women (and Men)," which you can find if you click here.

A very few online resources:

• WomenWatch, the United Nations Inter-Agency Network on Women and Gender Equality
• Check out this ezine, Modern Feminism's information about International Women's Day and other topics related to women. (If you're having a negative reaction to the word "feminism," I encourage you to consider your assumptions and see what is being offered.)
• Watch this short UTube video of the Secretary General of the United Nations giving his message about the UN's work to help women.
• Wikipedia's article on International Women's Day, giving a history and brief discussion of the ways it is celebrated around the world

Think about it. Inequality is all around you. What will you do to change that?

Break the Silent Trap of Sexual Abuse

January 8, 2010
A couple of days ago I listened to a CBC radio interview with a woman named Linda Deschamp. She is suing the diocese in her area for ongoing, long-term sexual abuse she claims to have suffered at the hands of a priest. I have to use the word "claims" here, as her case has not yet gone to trial.

Theo Fleury, a former NHL Canadian hockey player who was also sexually abused as a teenager, recently released a book, Playing with Fire. In his book, Fleury names the same coach who was convicted for sexually abusing another hockey player, Sheldon Kennedy.

My reason for mentioning these people is to encourage other women and men, children and teens who have been sexually abused. Just as Sheldon, Theo and Linda have done, you can find someone to trust. You can find someone who will believe and support you. You may or may not write about it or launch a law suit; that's up to you. What's most important is that you discover that the shame of sexual abuse is not your shame. You are not responsible if someone abused you sexually. However, you can, now, do a great deal to help yourself heal from that abuse.

It is definitely not easy to say the words out loud: "I was sexually abused. It happened to me."

Sometimes it takes a long time to break the silence that engulfs abuse, as it did for Linda, Sheldon and Theo. Sometimes, due to the slowly changing climate of awareness, victims of abuse find someone to tell fairly soon. Whichever way it goes for you, know that you are not alone now, even if you were when the abuse was happening. Many people want to help you and know how to help.

Please tell somebody. If that person doesn't believe you or know how to help, tell somebody else. This is your life and your future. Keep at it until you find the help you need. You are so absolutely worth it.

Check out my earlier posts on sexual abuse for more information and resources:
Head + Heart + Hands + Feet = Action
Healing is Possible
What is Sexual Abuse or Assault?

Head + Heart + Hands + Feet = Action

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thousands of studies have shown that childhood abuse in its many forms – sexual, other physical, verbal, emotional, spiritual – often, often contributes to, develops and/or erupts into these results:

• children and teenagers running away
• suicide ideation, attempts and success
• self-harm through cutting and addictions, for example
• harming others
• being abused and assaulted in adulthood
• difficulty learning
• poverty
• physical illness
• incarceration
• repeated unsuccessful or harmful relationships
• risk-taking behaviour
• promiscuity

All this research is useful head work, but when society -- that's you and me -- denies and ignores the truth of these conclusions, more babies get raped, more girls and boys are tormented, more teens cut and burn and drug themselves, more people get beaten, more people commit suicide and commit crimes.

The abuse of children, teens and adults is wrong. Period. You and I can do something. Period. I encourage you to join your head to your heart, hands and feet.

Learn about abuse. Feel something. Do something.

• Read a book, such as:
• The Courage to Heal 4e: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse 20th Anniversary Edition by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. Harper Paperbacks. 2008. 
• It Happened to Me: A Teen's Guide to Overcoming Sexual Abuse (workbook for male and female young adults) by William Lee Carter. New Harbinger Publications. 2002.
• Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse by Mike Lew. Harper Paperbacks. 2004.
• Check these websites:
• The Shelternet website "was created to provide reliable and up-to-date information for abused women, their family, friends, and colleagues in Canada."
• The American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress
• Child Abuse: Statistics, Research and Resources, a British website.
• Pandora's Project, "Support and resources for survivors of rape and sexual abuse."
• Volunteer at a:
• women's shelter
• adult literacy program
• youth detention centre
• prison
• community recreation program
• Listen to your friend, neighbour, co-worker or relative when he or she tells you about abuse. Learn how to help.
• Read the posts about abuse that I've posted in this blog to date, or search the terms "abuse" and "sexual abuse" for other information.
• Organize or attend observances such as Canada's National Day Of Remembrance And Action On Violence Against Women and worldwide Take Back the Night events.

You can, truly, do something to help. Learn in your head, feel in your heart, move your hands and feet; it's not really so hard, and the benefits are immeasurable but real.

Healing is Possible

If you have been sexually assaulted or abused, you might have experienced a range of physical reactions and results, such as:

• varying degrees of physical pain
• physical injuries
• no physical pain
• sexual pleasure (which can feel very confusing)
• physical numbness

In addition to those common physical feelings, most children, teens and adults who've been abused also feel:

• fear
• anger or rage
• shame
• guilt
• embarrassment
• dread
• isolation
• confusion
• "deadness" inside, lack of any feelings at all
• helplessness
• anxiety or nervousness

And in addition to all that, it's common for abused people to feel trapped by the abuser. The abuser might threaten to hurt another person or a pet, or to kill the victim as well as sexually assaulting him or her. Even if no threat is spoken, the abuse itself is a threat to safety, trust and security, so many victims say nothing.

Some people feel stupid for "getting caught," thinking they "should" have been able to predict or prevent what was going to happen. They feel they "should" have been able to fight the attacher off or avoid the attack.

Certainly, if you already knew the abuser, you might feel betrayed by him or her. And many people, especially children and adults who've already been victims of other physical violence, carry a deep feeling that they deserve to be assaulted in this way. They might feel responsible for the abuse.

If any of these responses to sexual abuse and assault sound or feel familiar to you, please know that although they are common reactions, you do not have to continue to feel this way.

You did not cause your abuse. You did not make someone else decide to attack you -- period. No matter where you were or what you wore or how old you were, you did not cause the abuse. You had the right to say "No" at any time, even if you were too afraid or  young or drunk or confused to say it out loud. Being unable to stop the abuse or assault is not the same as being responsible for the abuse or assault.

Help is available. You don't have to be alone. Many people are trained to help survivors of sexual abuse and assault.

Healing is possible. Absolutely. Many previous victims of abuse and assault have become able to live happy, secure, satisfying lives. They are free of the guilt, anger, shame and feelings of powerlessness created by the abuse.

You can move forward from where you are now.

What is Sexual Abuse or Assault?

Sexual abuse/assault is frighteningly common, and many people misunderstand what it is and what it isn't. This article is intended to help explain sexual abuse and sexual assault so that victims, abusers, and family members can be clear. It is by no means a complete look at the subject, but it might provide a helpful starting place for you.

To begin with, "sexual abuse" is the term that is often used when referring to child victims or others who experience unwanted and repeated or long-term sexual behaviour. The term "sexual assault" generally refers to the particular act of unwanted sexual behaviour. For general purposes, either term may be used to name what has happened to you or someone you know.

Sexual abuse/assault happens to boys. It happens to girls. It happens to teens, women, and men. It happens to babies, elderly people, and to those who are handicapped. Sexual abuse/assault happens in every possible gender combination -- male to female, male to male, female to female, and female to male. Sexual abuse/assault occurs in isolation, one person abusing one person, and it also occurs in groups -- more than one person abusing one or more other people. It can happen once or over and over again.

In all cases, no matter what the circumstances, sexual assault is defined as any unwanted sexual act. Some examples of its many forms are: showing pornography to a child; making a threat about forced sex; unwanted touching (whether it hurts or not); forcing someone to touch another person (or animal) sexually; rape. Two key concepts are important:

1. An adult who is threatened, tricked, or forced to engage in unwanted sexual activity of any kind is a victim of sexual assault/abuse.
2. A child cannot ever be considered to give consent to any sexual act with an older or more powerful child, teen, or adult. (Although it might be difficult to pinpoint or define, and not everyone would agree, young children can quite healthily "play doctor" or be curious about another young child's sexual organs. The key is whether or not both young children were comfortable and agreed to their investigations.)

Many adults who were sexually abused as children find ways to cope with their past experiences. It's very common for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse to:

• forget the abuse or the abuser (this is a "surface" form of forgetting; the memories are still there)
• drink alcohol, do drugs, work, overeat, under-eat, gamble, or over-exercise to bury the images, feelings, and memories
• cut or burn themselves or physically harm themselves in other ways
• attempt or succeed at suicide
• engage in risky sexual activity
• have sex with many people
• have trouble, or make trouble, at home, work, or school

All of these reactions to childhood sexual abuse can help keep memories buried -- at least for a time. They can help you raise a family, go to school and work, have fun with your friends, and so on. The problem with these forms of coping is that they will not make the memories go away, and they will not help you actually deal with those memories. And of course they are often damaging to you and your loved ones.

"I thought I'd dealt with it." So many adults I've worked with have said these words! But drowning or temporarily forgetting painful memories is not the same as actually dealing with them -- and healing from them.

You can do so much to help yourself. You can tell someone, even if you've never told anyone before. You can learn tools to help you work through the terror and rage. You can learn that you are not to blame for being abused.

In future articles I will offer suggestions and information about childhood sexual abuse and what it can be like to heal from it. In the meantime, call your local women's shelter, crisis phone line, or counselling centre to find help. And here are some Internet resources that also might be helpful:


Ontario Women's Directorate -- Sexual assault: What every girl and woman should know

http://www.citizenship.gov.on.ca/owd/english/youthzone/assault/

American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress -- http://www.aaets.org/article31.htm

Learning and Violence -- http://www.learningandviolence.net/

Rape Victim Advocacy Program -- http://www.rvap.org/pages/adult_survivors_of_childhood_sexual_abuse/