Word Wonder -- listen

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Earlier this week, a friend asked me to write about the word "listen," saying she thought the Universe was telling her to do more of it. That seemed like a good idea, and two ideas came to me. First, I did my follow-the-bread-crumbs brainstorm about listening. I thought of phrases and words that have, or seem to have, something to do with listening :

• Listen to your elders.
• "Friends, Romans, countrymen...lend me your ear."
• Listen to your heart. Listen to your body.
• Stop, look, and listen before you cross the road.
• Listen up, people!
• Hearing is not necessarily the same as listening.
• "Listen, my friends, and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere."
• Listen to your father!
• Mom, mom! Listen to this!!
• Can't you ever listen to what I'm saying!?
• sounds of silence
• "He who has ears to hear, let him hear."
• list to starboard
• enlist
• listless
• bucket list, shopping list, gratitude list, To Do list

These phrases from literature and everyday life stirred a range of images and feelings in me. My seventh grade teacher used to raise her voice over the din of our pre-adolescent cacophony and proclaim, "Listen up, people!" She was prone to pitching text books at the heads of those she felt had broken the rules, so we generally listened up pretty quickly.

Then there's "listing to starboard." I know approximately zero about boats, but I think this phrase suggests rocking, rolling waves that violently tip seafaring vessels and their passengers sideways...maybe towards the starboard side? Anyway, to me listing has always meant stumbling or pitching at dangerous angles. I'll look it up in a minute to see if I'm in the right neighbourhood.

In any case, if listing has something to do with leaning, then listening could have something to do with leaning forward to pay close attention to another's words. And enlisting could have to do with coming forward to have one's name put on a list, perhaps a list of soldiers. So, now, to the dictionary...

listen

1. To make conscious use of the sense of hearing; be attentive in order to hear. 2. To pay attention; give heed. 3. To be influenced or persuaded. [From the Old English word hlysnan, which was related to another Old English word hlyst, meaning "hearing."] -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary

Well, it turns out I was way off base on the connection among listen, list, and enlist, though I was right about the meaning of "list." Ah, well...I had fun. In any case, I do like the words "conscious use of the sense of hearing" and being "attentive." To me this means listening with every part of ourselves so we can participate as fully as possible. Few of us are taught this skill, but it's well worth learning. In classes and workshops I teach, I talk about active listening in which the listener is as involved and aware as the speaker.

To me, active listening also means paying attention to my own inner voice and the voices of nature, mystery, and experience. To do this, I have to slow down and "smell the coffee."

Stop doing. Stop talking. Stop moving and planning. Just be. Here. Now. ...........Listen.

My second idea about this post was to listen to what others had to say about listening. So, I posted the question on my Facebook page the other day, and here's what several people had to say about listening:

Sam:

Nature. Listening to nature. That is my tranquilizer. When my head is spinning, or even if I’m in a calm mood, I listen to nature. I remind myself to just sit, think for the moment, be in the moment.



It can be on my deck with my morning coffee, feeling the morning’s sun rays warming my skin. I close my eyes. It starts with the birds, listening to each one with their singing, chirping and cawing. Then the breeze, listening as it rustles the leaves on the trees. Bees pollinating the flowers. A dog barking in the distance. I focus on these, shutting out the rest of the world and give thanks that I am able to hear these little sounds.


It’s a pleasure denied by the unhearing. (My Grandfather became deaf in his later years and often wrote to me how he missed his hearing, especially the birds that visited his garden)

Vicki:

After six days of listening to the roar of an aircraft....I stood still this afternoon and listened to the wind. The sound is amazing.
I love the wind and all the melodies it creates.

Cherity:

i listened to my daughter's eyes...she spoke through with such wisdom and deep feeling...lol even though she can't talk, being only but 3 months old.....she really did talk volumes and i listened with all my heart!

Terry:

A thought about listening. Listening is feedback and without feedback there is no course correction or appreciation. One thing that is certain is that if you are missing the feedback the feedback will usually become a little stronger or louder until hopefully you are listening.

When we practice the skill of listening, we are rewarded. When we share the gift of listening with others, they are rewarded, too. Thanks for asking, Ellen.Wind and wisdom, birds and babies. Feedback to help with personal growth. I also love listening to the wind and the birds. I'm reminded that the inner calm which accompanies deep listening feeds me at many levels. I'm reminded of the strength and stillness being offered on the wind and in the eyes of infants who are still so close to the beginning of their time here.

Word Wonder -- communicate

Sunday, June 20, 2010

1. To cause another or others to partake of or share in; impart.  3. To convey knowledge of; tell.  5. To transmit or exchange thought or knowledge.  6. To be connected.  [from the Latin communicatus and communicare, meaning "to share" which, in turn, comes from communis, meaning "common, public, general."] -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary and Dictionary of the English Language - an Encyclopedic Reference

Although "communicate" and its derivatives are ordinary words, I decided to check them out anyway, since communication is such a fundamental part of human existence. Their ancient Indo-European sources are the roots mei-, which means "to change, go, move" and ko-, meaning "together." Now, I am most definitely not a linguistic scholar, but I do enjoy learning and "feeling" and supposing about the paths our words take as they form and change.

So when I learned that communicate and its cousins come from ancient words that mean "change, move, and together," I explored in my heart and mind and gut for connections and threads of meaning and intention. In addition, the fact that "communicate" comes from the word "common" reminds me of the normal, everyday interchanges among people (and other beings) that can work for our common good.

When two or more beings communicate, a relationship, however brief, is shown to exist. One expresses, while another receives. Both/All parties feel emotions, think thoughts, choose actions. We communicate with our thoughts, hands, spirit, words, computers, hearts, ears, eyes, gestures, posture, pen and paper, hands, actions, tears, smiles, scowls, voices, choices, feet, and creations.


Communication brings change, as it connects us to one another. When we impart to another what we think, feel, or want, we are changing the relationship, no matter what the listener's response is. Communication can be risky. It can bring healing. It can help people move forward together.


Communication can, of course, also be used with the opposite intention, that of disrupting connections and causing separation, distrust, and harm. We all experience times when we talk to someone who is not actually listening or paying attention to what were conveying. We've all witnessed or been part of exchanges that were intended to hurt or cause damage.

What do you communicate to others about yourself?  Do you tend to clear the air or muddy the waters? Do you see communication as a way to get your ideas across or as a way to build relationships, contribute to understanding, encourage growth? How do you get your ideas across -- with anger or with calm? How fully do you listen when others speak to you.

Maybe today you'll consider your listening and expressing in a new light. Every single one of us can improve in this crucial part of life. Researching and writing about this topic opens me to being more mindful in my communication. How about you?

Sweet 16? Not Always

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

For the past three Mondays, I have caught parts of a radio program broadcast on Ideas in the Afternoon, a current affairs program of the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation). The program was called "It's a Teen's World -- wired for sex, lies, and power trips," and it gave a disturbing and forthright view of teen life, by teens, in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. The implication is that many teens in North America (and perhaps around the world?) experience and exert similar pressures regarding sex and bullying -- which seem to go hand in hand for many.

Although my work is usually with adults, I feel it's important to point to this recent broadcast because of its implications for teens, their parents and for the adults those teens will become in a few short years. Sexual harassment, pressure, bullying and abuse have become commonplace, at least for many teens. The ineffectiveness of saying "no" is disturbing, especially in light of the education that many parents have had through the media and their own educations in the 70s, 80s and 90s. What is causing the apparently huge disconnect between these kids' current experiences and those of their parents? What is to be done to help teenagers find ways to openly and effectively deal with the huge pressures many of them live with?

Journalist Lynn Glazier has done an excellent job amplifying the voices of the young people who made this documentary with her. I strongly encourage you to listen to what they have to say. Click here to read about the three segments and to listen to them.

And then, whether you have teens in your life or not, give some thought to how you can help. Listen more carefully to teenagers. Find out from them what sort of help and support they need. Don't be naive, but also don't assume every adolescent deals with the sexual pressures portrayed in the documentary. Ask questions. Don't assume you know what their lives are like based on your own adolescent experiences. Don't assume you know what teens want. Listen to the answers. Find out if and how you can help...and then do those things. Keep at it for the long haul, as challenging as that might sound.

If kids and teens are going to have a chance to enjoy satisfying and successful adult relationships, they need to find ways to build respectful, fun and interesting relational foundations now.

Rethink Popular Sayings

Sunday, April 18, 2010

When someone is going through a tough time, or when talking to our children, we often offer advice in the form of common sayings:  Look on the bright side. God must have needed her more in heaven than we need her here. Every cloud has a silver lining. Life is short. It takes two to tango. Practice makes perfect. Though we mean well when we say them, we often use such sayings without even thinking much about their meaning or impact.

The trouble with this lack of thought is that it renders many such sayings useless or even harmful. They've become such clichés that they do little more than briefly disturb the airwaves -- unless they actually do damage. How can well-intended words harm anybody? By setting up unrealistic expectations, by glossing over a specific situation, or by ignoring the feelings of the person you say them to. Here's a closer look at few of the sayings I've sited above.

Look on the bright side. This saying is meant to help people focus less on the problem and more on hope and improvement. That's great...most of the time. But sometimes, before a person can look for the positive, happier possibilities, she needs to feel the sadness, anger or disappointment. She might first need somebody to listen so she can process the problem, which is an important part of moving forward. By tossing out this cliché, we might be ignoring what's actually going on for her right now, which can actually make it harder to move forward. Instead, ask questions about what happened and how she's feeling. Give her time to process events and feelings and be available, if you can, when she's ready to start looking on the bright side.

God must have needed him in heaven more than we need him here. When someone is grieving, it can be very hard to know what to say; we're afraid we'll make someone feel worse by saying the wrong thing. In some cultures and communities, grief is "supposed to" be expressed only briefly, if at all. Many of us don't like how we feel when somebody is unbearably sad, so we trot out clichés by way of comforting both of us. But the idea that God needs somebody in heaven can feel pretty irrelevant when your friend is in shock, horror and disbelief about his loved one's death. Offer your friend your caring presence, comfort and simple foods when he's grieving. If you're not sure what to say, silence is an excellent substitute.

Life is short. Intended to aid appreciation and endorse our choices, this saying is actually pretty negative. How about replacing it with something like this: Life is rich, so I choose to enjoy and appreciate it.

Practice makes perfect. A few years ago, I rewrote this saying to read "practice makes better" because the original form sets up unrealistic expectations. Of course, the intention behind "practice makes better" is to encourage effort and determination, which are admirable. However, it also gives the impression that if you try hard enough and are good enough and work, work, work, you can someday be perfect. For many, that's a scary prospect. We can be very good, we can become experts, but perfection can feel too huge to many, so they give up before they even start. Thinking of practice making us better keeps improvement within our grasp.

So, slow down and pay attention to yourself and others. Think about what you say before you say it, and you'll be of genuine help.

April Showers & Other Good Things

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

It’s a little hard to believe April is here already, let alone nearly a week gone. It’s also a little hard to believe – and somewhat disappointing – that I couldn’t find any April celebrations sillier than April Fool’s Day. Guess that one has to carry the month. I hope you played a good joke on somebody.

Anyway, I've been unexpectedly without computer access for several days, so I’m running a bit late with my monthly list of observations. But here they are, listed with any websites I could find, in case you’d like more information.

• Sexual Abuse Awareness Month -- This link lists a Google search for this observation.

• Alcohol Awareness Month (http://www.ncadd.org)/ -- an American site

• Counseling Awareness Month (http://www.counseling.org/) -- the American Counseling Association

• Eating Disorders Awareness (http://www.anad.org/) -- website for the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Eating Disorders

• Conflict Awareness Month

• Informed Woman Month

• National Child Abuse Prevention Month

• Couple Appreciation Month

• Reconciliation Day - April 2

• National Siblings Day - http://www.siblings-day.com/ -- a Google search page listing many links

So, I hope you have a great April. Whether you follow any of these leads to relationship and personal information, I urge you to listen to yourself and others. Open up to change and to feeling better. Learn and do what you can to become a happier, healthier, more centred you.

Your Inner Voice -- a journalling exercise

Friday, March 26, 2010

I call this journalling exercise "Listening to your Inner Voice." That voice is sometimes called intuition or a gut feeling or gut instinct. Many, many of us have been taught to ignore that voice by being taught not to trust our own take on things, our own feelings and thoughts. "That's stupid; you can't do that." "Stop crying; there's nothing to be scared of." "Don't be silly; he's a nice man." "What a ridiculous idea."

We're taught to keep busy, not cry, ignore our own needs to help others, hide when we feel bad. We get sent to our rooms, hit, told to keep destructive secrets and silenced by others' silence. Many people aren't taught how to recognize and name feelings or how to listen to inner discomforts in uncomfortable situations. In many families, any response more subtle than a slap or screaming or crying is lost.

So although helping others and managing our emotions and keeping busy can all be positive actions, they can also get in the way of self-knowledge which, in turn, gets in the way of understanding others. When we don't understand ourselves and others, true compassion is difficult. We may be able to act like a nice person without actually feeling anything at all.

This journalling exercise can help you listen to your own inner voice, your gut. It can be a helpful tool for getting familiar with your true self. So grab a pen and notebook, or a computer, and get comfortable for a while. This exercise can be done in one sitting or in several shorter bouts. Remember that with journal writing, there is no wrong way to do it. Spelling, punctuation, handwriting and organization don't matter. Listening to yourself does.

Listening to your Inner Voice

Write about a time when you did or did not listen to a gut feeling about something or someone. Maybe you didn't make that phone call you thought of making, or you wrote to somebody and found out later how much it helped him. Maybe you heeded the tug prompting you to apply for a job, and as a result you met someone who became important to you, or you got the job.

Describe what was going on at the time:

• What did the inner prompting, voice, urge feel and sound like inside you?
• What did it suggest?
• If you paid attention to it, did you act on the suggestion right away or later?
• If you didn't heed it, how did you answer it -- by telling yourself it was dumb or pointless, by getting busy and forgetting about it, by consciously deciding not to listen?
• What happened after you did or did not listen to that urge?
• How did (and do) you feel about the outcome? Regret? Relief? Satisfaction? Irritation? etc......

Given that outcome, what might you do differently another time? Keep in mind that regrets can be useful if we decide to do something differently in the next situation. There's no need to hang on to regrets (in fact, doing so can be harmful), but by all means notice them and make a decision about what you'll do differently. Be grateful for the lesson and move on.

If you're happy with the outcome, dwell on the feelings and results. Decide to listen to yourself again another time. Be grateful for the lesson and move on.

In another recent blog post I wrote about intuition (click here to read it) and about the book Developing Intuition by Shakti Gawain. The post describes one fantastic way in which intuition, my inner voice, was on the right track. I find that the more I listen to my inside self, the more smoothly my life goes and the more serenity I experience. When I don't listen, things get choppy. It's a simple formula, yet I can complicate things and get in my own way, too!

In any case, know that learning to listen to one's intuition is a skill that can be learned (relearned, actually). I encourage you to listen to your inner voice. Learn to trust yourself; you're a great ally!

Noteworthy March Days

March 1, 2010

Here it is already -- the beginning of a new month and time for me to pull out March's observations. They arise from Canada, the U. S. and other countries. Some have sponsors and are advertised and observed in an official way. Others apparently don't have a sponsor; I guess some individual or group just thought they'd be a good idea.

As I said in my January and February posts, people love to mark special events, days and people, so I've opted to give them a bit of "air-time" on my blog. I only mention observations related in some way to this blog, including the ones I think are quirky or that make me laugh. Balance, people, balance.

So, here are March's days of note:

• International Listening Awareness Month - We're not talking hearing but, rather, listening...with your ears, mind, heart and spirit. At least that's my very brief take on truly listening.
• International Women’s Day, March 8. More on this in days to come, but please check out the Canadian Status of Women website. "Strong Women, Strong Canada, Strong World."
• Well Elderly Day - I actually don't know the date of this one, but surely each of us can contribute to one elderly person's day in some good way. Any day would be great.
• Companies That Care Day - I find it ironic that no sponsor has been found for this one.
• Forgive Mom and Dad Day - One of my sons went to a great high school in Ottawa. Every morning, the principal -- who greeted every single kid by name in that very large school -- would finish each day's intercom announcements with the friendly admonition, "And remember...be nice to your parents." He was so well liked that one of the art students painted his likeness and his words on the wall in one of the main corridors. As a parent, I had to love the guy. As a daughter, I was nudged by his gentle reminders to do some forgiving of my own imperfect parents.
• National Problem Gambling Awareness Week - This American site contains pages and pages of valuable information about problem gambling.
• National Women's History Month
• National Ethics Awareness Month
• National Optimism Month
• Return The Borrowed Books Week, March 1-7 -- Go ahead. Do it. Root around under the bed and on the floor of the hall closet and find those long-overdue library books you've been too busy to return. Your librarian will love you. So will I.

And what, oh, what would this column of celebrations and observations be without one delightful oddity? March's prize for Wacky Observation of the Month goes to...drum roll, please...National Umbrella Month. I live in snow country, so the idea of honouring umbrellas in March seems a bit crazy, or premature, anyway. So, I figure this one may have originated in London, Vancouver or Seattle. Maybe they have rainy Marches and feel honour bound to celebrate their umbrellas.

In any case, have a great March -- whatever you celebrate.

What is your community?

sharing

community

together

help

acceptance, tolerance, and love

reject assumptions

listen & hear

support

belong

circle  clothe

care        guide

feed            offer

emotions                 actions

What is your community made of?

What part do you play in your community?

Healing Attitudes -- an Exercise

Here is a journalling exercise that can help with your healing or personal growth. The exercise is presented in two parts, in two posts. You can do one or both of them or, of course, neither. The choice is yours.

I invite you to check out my earlier post called "Keeping a Journal 101" to read a short introduction to journalling. As with all journalling exercises I do and recommend, it's fine to either write on paper or type on your computer. I do suggest you date your writings if you plan to keep them; it's helpful and interesting to re-read them later to see how you've grown, what you've learned or what still needs work.

Below is a short list of healing attitudes. Consider and write briefly about how each has been helpful to you or could be helpful to you. Then pick one and write in more detail about what you can and will do today to make use of that healing attitude. And keep it simple, Sweetheart; one change at a time is plenty.

• willingness
• honesty
• acceptance
• determination
• creativity

If you'd like, maintain your attention to your chosen healing attitude for a week, then two weeks. Journal about what is changing as a result. Talk with someone trustworthy about what's happening with you.

You could then go on to focus on the other healing attitudes -- one per week -- and see what happens. However you approach this journalling activity, remember to listen to yourself. Take breaks. This is not a marathon. Enjoy yourself and give yourself credit for every effort. Healing and recovery aren't always easy, but they can definitely be satisfying!

In a companion post to this one, I'll offer a similar journalling exercise using healing actions you can take to help yourself.