Friday, May 14, 2010
In my morning mental meanderings today, something brought to mind a thing that often happens when someone is going through a difficult time. At least one person will say something like, "Well, think of all the people living in war-torn countries or so-and-so who just lost his whole family, or...," etc. etc. You've probably heard it. Maybe you've said it yourself.
People who say such things intend to help. They think that by getting your mind off your troubles, you'll feel better. They think that if you're reminded of how much worse life can be, your troubles won't seem so bad. Unfortunately, I don't think that's how it works. Statements like these may distract the afflicted person for the moment, but that's not necessarily a helpful part of healing or of dealing with what's going on. In addition, these statements encourage everyone to ignore difficult feelings like sadness, grief, anger and so on. As I've written before, ignoring hard feelings doesn't make them go away; it just makes them go underground. Later, they may very well emerge as headaches, depression, colds, back troubles, cancer, rage, self-pity, and many other peace-blocking symptoms.
So this morning, it occurred to me that one benefit might be found in the statement, "It could be worse. Look at so-and-so's problems." That benefit could be to recognize that in this physical life on this earth, troubles are not uncommon. They happen every day, and they happen to regular people, people just like you and me. So since we're all equally human, there's no reason to expect total lifelong freedom from difficult times. I suppose there might be people who never face calamity and loss, but I don't know too many, if any.
The other possibly helpful part of such statements is to remember that there's no quota on loss and pain. I don't know why, exactly (though I have some theories), but I do believe that's the case. I have certainly, definitely felt like I've had my share, but that doesn't seem to be how it works. When I feel like I'm getting more than my share, I remind myself there's no such thing as "shares." And this is not a depressing thought. I refuse to think and live like a victim anymore. I choose instead to be honest about my hard times and how they affect me. I choose instead to accept that other people will make choices that sadden me or cause me pain...and that I can choose how to deal with that. There is nothing about my "me-ness" that exempts me from experiencing the full range of being human.
Are pain and loss excruciating at times? Yes. Do I wish they'd go away? Yes. Do I sometimes feel like I can't take anymore? I sure do. At those times, I rely on a loved one or my spiritual source to get me through. Some days I can only manage to put one foot in front of the other until it's time to go to bed. I sometimes decide to temporarily ignore my rotten feelings and just keep busy...but I make sure that as soon as I can, I unbusy myself and deal with my feelings.
I do not advocate comparing ourselves and our troubles to someone who is "worse off." However, if you hear such words, you can use them to remember that all humans are human and that we always have choices about how to deal with our humanity.
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Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Friday, May 14, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Word Wonder -- resilient
Monday, April 26, 2010
1. Springing back to a former shape or position. 2. Capable of recoiling from pressure or shock unchanged or undamaged. 3. Elastic; buoyant. [from the little-used English word "resile," which is pronounced "re-zile" and comes from the Middle French word resiler. That comes, in turn, from the Latin resilire, meaning back (re-) and to leap (salire)]
So picture this. You stretch an elastic rubber band a little and it will, indeed , leap back to its former shape (or so close to it that no change is visible). Stretch it a number of times, and it will still be resilient enough to return to its former shape. But if you stretch it far enough and often enough, it will not be able to keep its elasticity. The rubber band will begin to show stretch marks. It might become unusable. When overtaxed, it will even break.
So it is with human beings. When trouble strikes, we are often resilient enough to bounce back, to return to our former selves. Whether we do so on our own, or with help from other people or a spiritual source, we can resume our former views and activities, with little or no lasting harm done.
However, when we are stretched repeatedly -- through abuse, illness, calamity, or loss -- we can lose at least some of our resilience. When that stretching is intensified by violence, chronic pain, malicious intent or other factors, the ability to bounce back decreases. If this goes on for a long time, we can be changed irrevocably, perhaps reaching a point where we simply cannot go back to our former hope, health or happiness.
However, the comparison has to end here. We are not rubber bands, limited by our physical nature. In fact, we aren't limited by our emotional or mental natures, either. Human beings are often able to endure and surpass terrible troubles. Many somehow become more able to adapt and better equipped to move forward. No one knows why this is so, but many people know someone, or are the someone, who has done so. Though we may never know all the factors make some people so resilient, here are a few:
1. Springing back to a former shape or position. 2. Capable of recoiling from pressure or shock unchanged or undamaged. 3. Elastic; buoyant. [from the little-used English word "resile," which is pronounced "re-zile" and comes from the Middle French word resiler. That comes, in turn, from the Latin resilire, meaning back (re-) and to leap (salire)]
So it is with human beings. When trouble strikes, we are often resilient enough to bounce back, to return to our former selves. Whether we do so on our own, or with help from other people or a spiritual source, we can resume our former views and activities, with little or no lasting harm done.
However, when we are stretched repeatedly -- through abuse, illness, calamity, or loss -- we can lose at least some of our resilience. When that stretching is intensified by violence, chronic pain, malicious intent or other factors, the ability to bounce back decreases. If this goes on for a long time, we can be changed irrevocably, perhaps reaching a point where we simply cannot go back to our former hope, health or happiness.
However, the comparison has to end here. We are not rubber bands, limited by our physical nature. In fact, we aren't limited by our emotional or mental natures, either. Human beings are often able to endure and surpass terrible troubles. Many somehow become more able to adapt and better equipped to move forward. No one knows why this is so, but many people know someone, or are the someone, who has done so. Though we may never know all the factors make some people so resilient, here are a few:
- support from others Be a helper. Reach out to somebody who's having a hard time. If you're the one having a hard time, learn to ask for help. We are social beings who flourish when we feel a sense of belonging and value; mutual support adds to those feelings.
- a positive attitude By focusing on your preferences and brighter outcomes, you will automatically spend less time mired in loss and disappointment. Picture yourself smiling, being relaxed, feeling good, instead of investing in your sadness, stress and despair. Hope grows when we invest our energy in positive outcomes. Confidence grows when hope grows. Interest and ability thrive in confidence.
- spiritual connections There is no prescription for this. You can foster belief in a god and a religion, or meditate, or allow the deep quiet inside you to grow by being with little children or in nature. Spiritual connection can come from creating or from enjoying others' creations. In any form, a sense of connectedness strengthens and deepens human beings.
- acceptance This is a tricky one, because some people equate acceptance with giving up or losing. They are not the same. Acceptance is related to trusting in a larger reality, a reality that can handle individual problems and roadblocks and apparent failures. Acceptance includes a belief in a better outcome, no matter how current circumstances look. It implies a sense of connectedness. On the other hand, giving up implies loss and a lack of value in oneself or the experience. It feeds and is fed by despair and isolation. Accept what is, rather than focusing on what if?.
- gratitude Appreciation helps us stay present in the moment, helping us notice what's going on inside and around us. A state of gratitude makes us stronger and better able to deal with difficult times.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Going Bonkers?
Friday, January 22, 2010
Is life getting to you? Are you looking for ways to lighten up and lighten the load? Then check out this great magazine called Going Bonkers? -- The self-help magazine with a sense of humor. Published out of Katy, Texas, this quarterly magazine is full of light-hearted yet reliable and accurate help with life's conundrums and calamities. From the Going Bonkers website:
Over the next two days, I'll post the two articles I've had published in the magazine to date.
Is life getting to you? Are you looking for ways to lighten up and lighten the load? Then check out this great magazine called Going Bonkers? -- The self-help magazine with a sense of humor. Published out of Katy, Texas, this quarterly magazine is full of light-hearted yet reliable and accurate help with life's conundrums and calamities. From the Going Bonkers website:
Articles cover a range of topics, such as:Better than a pill....Hotter than a stolen tamale…Healthier than a carrot.....More helpful than a hotline….
- Half a Mind -- Right Brain VS. Left Brain
- Shame Off You -- Four Steps to shame-free living
- Bam! Bang! Boom! -- When a Loved One Explodes from Anger
- Goodbye Friend -- Coping with the loss of a beloved pet
- The Black Hole -- Making the Best of a Ho-Hum Job
Over the next two days, I'll post the two articles I've had published in the magazine to date.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Some Thoughts on Grief - Part 3
January 11, 2010
This is the final article in a series I've posted over the last three days. I wrote the series on grief with Cathy Piper, a registered nurse with a particular interest in palliative care and bereavement. Published in The Manitoulin Expositor in May 2008, the articles briefly discuss the grieving process. All quotations are taken from The Journey Through Grief, by Alan D. Wolfelt.
Moving on From Grief
In this last part of our brief series on grief, we’ll talk about moving on from grief. Keep in mind that the grief we are talking about can involve any sort of loss – a loved one, a job, a childhood, a home, and so on.
It’s not unusual to sometimes feel guilty during the grieving and healing process. Some people feel guilty when they discover advantages in the changes that have occurred, such as more time to spend with other family and friends, a preference for the new home after all, more money, or less responsibility. Some feel guilty the first time they laugh or the first day they don’t think of their departed loved one. Such feelings of guilt come from the changes life brings and are a natural part of responding to those changes. But they are not wrong or bad, and they do not mean you don’t or didn’t care. Let the feelings of guilt go by acknowledging them and reminding yourself that life really does go on and that it is a good thing to be able to enjoy it.
Another aspect of the grieving process is the unpredictable nature of memories. During the early phases of grieving, memories can come pouring in and threaten to overwhelm you. They can pop up at the worst times and refuse to leave, even when you have things you just have to do, like sleep or go to work or make supper. Memories often bring on floods of tears, feelings of anger, and a renewed sense of loss. As with guilt and all other aspects of grief that we have discussed, such remembering ups and downs are normal. In fact, they are helpful and necessary because they help us place the person, relationship, or previous state of health in the past, where it actually does reside.
Though thinking of this reality can be hard, it is natural and necessary because learning to move on from relationships or abilities or circumstances that have changed is the nature of life. Nothing can be gained by refusing to move forward, except that you may very well add burdens to your life that keep you stuck and make you unwell.
Instead, use your feelings and memories to honour and remember the people and circumstances that have gone. Enjoy and be grateful for their presence in your life for the time they were there. Discover and appreciate the lessons you’ve learned and the challenges and fun you’ve experienced because of them. Use those lessons and pleasures to enhance your life today. By appreciating and accepting the past, you will be able to live a more satisfying today and look forward to many promising tomorrows.
“Memories are my treasures…they carry my story, my song, my light. As I long for peace, I carry my memory torch with me, a vital link in the chain of humanity.”
This is the final article in a series I've posted over the last three days. I wrote the series on grief with Cathy Piper, a registered nurse with a particular interest in palliative care and bereavement. Published in The Manitoulin Expositor in May 2008, the articles briefly discuss the grieving process. All quotations are taken from The Journey Through Grief, by Alan D. Wolfelt.
Moving on From Grief
In this last part of our brief series on grief, we’ll talk about moving on from grief. Keep in mind that the grief we are talking about can involve any sort of loss – a loved one, a job, a childhood, a home, and so on.
It’s not unusual to sometimes feel guilty during the grieving and healing process. Some people feel guilty when they discover advantages in the changes that have occurred, such as more time to spend with other family and friends, a preference for the new home after all, more money, or less responsibility. Some feel guilty the first time they laugh or the first day they don’t think of their departed loved one. Such feelings of guilt come from the changes life brings and are a natural part of responding to those changes. But they are not wrong or bad, and they do not mean you don’t or didn’t care. Let the feelings of guilt go by acknowledging them and reminding yourself that life really does go on and that it is a good thing to be able to enjoy it.
Another aspect of the grieving process is the unpredictable nature of memories. During the early phases of grieving, memories can come pouring in and threaten to overwhelm you. They can pop up at the worst times and refuse to leave, even when you have things you just have to do, like sleep or go to work or make supper. Memories often bring on floods of tears, feelings of anger, and a renewed sense of loss. As with guilt and all other aspects of grief that we have discussed, such remembering ups and downs are normal. In fact, they are helpful and necessary because they help us place the person, relationship, or previous state of health in the past, where it actually does reside.
Though thinking of this reality can be hard, it is natural and necessary because learning to move on from relationships or abilities or circumstances that have changed is the nature of life. Nothing can be gained by refusing to move forward, except that you may very well add burdens to your life that keep you stuck and make you unwell.
Instead, use your feelings and memories to honour and remember the people and circumstances that have gone. Enjoy and be grateful for their presence in your life for the time they were there. Discover and appreciate the lessons you’ve learned and the challenges and fun you’ve experienced because of them. Use those lessons and pleasures to enhance your life today. By appreciating and accepting the past, you will be able to live a more satisfying today and look forward to many promising tomorrows.
“Memories are my treasures…they carry my story, my song, my light. As I long for peace, I carry my memory torch with me, a vital link in the chain of humanity.”
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Some Thoughts on Grief - Part 2
January 10, 2010
Here is the second part of the series I wrote about grief with Cathy Piper, a registered nurse with an interest in palliative care and grief. Published in The Manitoulin Expositor in May 2008, the articles briefly discuss the grieving process. All quotations are taken from The Journey Through Grief, by Alan D. Wolfelt.
Feeling the Grief in Its Many Forms
Yesterday we wrote about the nature of grief, that it is a natural human response to any sort of loss – of a loved one, a job or home, good health, and so on. By acknowledging loss and its natural feelings of pain and anger, you can move through grief and come out on the other side. Feeling these feelings is not a sign of weakness. In fact, by allowing yourself to actually feel what you feel, you will become stronger and will be able to live with your loss in a balanced way. By asking for help and by honouring your needs for both solitude and company, you can keep going.
As the feelings of grief come and go, you might feel like you’re lost in a terrible and empty wasteland. “Grief creates a natural disorientation…a kind of emotional and spiritual wilderness. In loss comes a period of emptiness, aloneness…new life has not yet emerged.”
It is so important and helpful to allow your sadness and confusion to run their course – with help and support. Trusted friends and family, clergy and counsellors, books and other information can all help you along the way. The fact that death and other losses are a common part of life does not mean you have to “get over it” in a certain period of time, as is so often what people believe. The healthy course of grieving allows you to work your loss into the fabric of your life; it does not have to rip it apart beyond repair.
Many people try to protect themselves from the sadness, anger and emptiness of grief by not talking or even thinking about it. Certainly there are times when you do just have to get on with the business of living, but just as certainly, there are times when it’s important to deal with what is inside you – including difficult feelings. In fact, trying to avoid the pain at all costs actually increases the pain, by prolonging it longer than necessary and causing it to “go underground.” When difficult feelings get pushed down, they almost inevitably show up again in the forms of depression, sleeplessness, illness, anger, drug and alcohol abuse, discontent, and so on.
The natural and necessary feelings of anger, fear, confusion, sadness, guilt and emptiness that follow a loss can be very draining. However, they are also signals that something needs to be done to move forward – talk to someone, have a good cry, sit in silence, write in a journal, go for a walk or hard workout, hug a loved one. These small acts, over time, bring acceptance and healing. Pain, confusion and anger diminish. You find yourself smiling more, enjoying favourite pastimes again instead of just going through the motions. Eventually, you can feel excitement again and even look toward the future without dismay. Despair lessens to sadness, then melancholy and, finally, acceptance and peace.
“I don’t have to go in search of the pain of grief…it finds me. It’s when I deny or insulate myself from the pain of the loss that I shut down. Ironically, it is in being open to the pain that I move through it to renewed living.”
Here is the second part of the series I wrote about grief with Cathy Piper, a registered nurse with an interest in palliative care and grief. Published in The Manitoulin Expositor in May 2008, the articles briefly discuss the grieving process. All quotations are taken from The Journey Through Grief, by Alan D. Wolfelt.
Feeling the Grief in Its Many Forms
Yesterday we wrote about the nature of grief, that it is a natural human response to any sort of loss – of a loved one, a job or home, good health, and so on. By acknowledging loss and its natural feelings of pain and anger, you can move through grief and come out on the other side. Feeling these feelings is not a sign of weakness. In fact, by allowing yourself to actually feel what you feel, you will become stronger and will be able to live with your loss in a balanced way. By asking for help and by honouring your needs for both solitude and company, you can keep going.
As the feelings of grief come and go, you might feel like you’re lost in a terrible and empty wasteland. “Grief creates a natural disorientation…a kind of emotional and spiritual wilderness. In loss comes a period of emptiness, aloneness…new life has not yet emerged.”
It is so important and helpful to allow your sadness and confusion to run their course – with help and support. Trusted friends and family, clergy and counsellors, books and other information can all help you along the way. The fact that death and other losses are a common part of life does not mean you have to “get over it” in a certain period of time, as is so often what people believe. The healthy course of grieving allows you to work your loss into the fabric of your life; it does not have to rip it apart beyond repair.
Many people try to protect themselves from the sadness, anger and emptiness of grief by not talking or even thinking about it. Certainly there are times when you do just have to get on with the business of living, but just as certainly, there are times when it’s important to deal with what is inside you – including difficult feelings. In fact, trying to avoid the pain at all costs actually increases the pain, by prolonging it longer than necessary and causing it to “go underground.” When difficult feelings get pushed down, they almost inevitably show up again in the forms of depression, sleeplessness, illness, anger, drug and alcohol abuse, discontent, and so on.
The natural and necessary feelings of anger, fear, confusion, sadness, guilt and emptiness that follow a loss can be very draining. However, they are also signals that something needs to be done to move forward – talk to someone, have a good cry, sit in silence, write in a journal, go for a walk or hard workout, hug a loved one. These small acts, over time, bring acceptance and healing. Pain, confusion and anger diminish. You find yourself smiling more, enjoying favourite pastimes again instead of just going through the motions. Eventually, you can feel excitement again and even look toward the future without dismay. Despair lessens to sadness, then melancholy and, finally, acceptance and peace.
“I don’t have to go in search of the pain of grief…it finds me. It’s when I deny or insulate myself from the pain of the loss that I shut down. Ironically, it is in being open to the pain that I move through it to renewed living.”
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Some Thoughts on Grief - Part 1
January 9, 2010
Together with Cathy Piper, a registered nurse with an interest in palliative care and grief, I offered a grief support group for four weeks in June 2008. As a prelude to the group, we wrote a three-part series in which we briefly discussed the nature of grief. The articles were published in The Manitoulin Expositor in May 2008. (All quotations in the articles are taken from Alan D. Wolfelt’s book, The Journey Through Grief.)
Here is that series of articles, which I will post in the same three parts over the next three days:
What is grief?
Grieving is something we do…in response to a loss, any kind of significant loss. It might be the loss of a job, a relationship, friends, a beloved pet, your home, or the loss of your childhood or your culture. Maybe you feel the loss of your beliefs or your language, or you no longer feel needed and wanted. It is common, though often not recognized, for people to grieve over countless changes and losses. And every person responds to grief in a different way and at a different pace. There is no road map that grief has to follow.
Grief comes from deep within and finds its way out in various forms, from crying and wailing, to seeking silence and seclusion, to talking it out. These healing forms of grieving help you go deep inside and walk through the pain to emerge on the other side. When loss and grief are not acknowledged, people sometimes try to bury their feelings with alcohol and other drugs or they keep so busy they won’t feel; however, these destructive paths can lead to depression, physical illness and suicide.
With the support and love of family, friends and, sometimes, trained helpers, it is very possible to move through grief rather than try to go around it by not feeling it. “Acknowledging reality brings pain. As I open myself to feel the total sense of loss, I discover I cannot do this grief work alone. I will need the love and support of those who understand the depths of this journey. Most of all I will need to be around people who are truly compassionate.”
Healing in grief is heart-based, not head-based. The depth of your very soul is exposed, and you enter into new realms to find healing. “The reality of this death/loss demands my attention. As I move from head understanding to heart understanding, I know with burning certainty that life is forever changed. I arrive at this new place unprepared for the journey ahead. How will I set forth?”
“The head, the heart and the soul must all come to embrace the reality of the death/loss. It is the soul that gives life to the head and the heart. I may know the reality of the death/loss in my head, but I must also let it sift down into my heart and soul.”
Silence and solitude, friends and family, all combined, are necessary for your journey through the pain of grief. “As I experience my grief, I am pulled to be both alone and together with others. I realize I need both. The beauty of it is that I have discovered I can embrace both needs. What an important revelation!”
Together with Cathy Piper, a registered nurse with an interest in palliative care and grief, I offered a grief support group for four weeks in June 2008. As a prelude to the group, we wrote a three-part series in which we briefly discussed the nature of grief. The articles were published in The Manitoulin Expositor in May 2008. (All quotations in the articles are taken from Alan D. Wolfelt’s book, The Journey Through Grief.)
Here is that series of articles, which I will post in the same three parts over the next three days:
What is grief?
Grieving is something we do…in response to a loss, any kind of significant loss. It might be the loss of a job, a relationship, friends, a beloved pet, your home, or the loss of your childhood or your culture. Maybe you feel the loss of your beliefs or your language, or you no longer feel needed and wanted. It is common, though often not recognized, for people to grieve over countless changes and losses. And every person responds to grief in a different way and at a different pace. There is no road map that grief has to follow.
Grief comes from deep within and finds its way out in various forms, from crying and wailing, to seeking silence and seclusion, to talking it out. These healing forms of grieving help you go deep inside and walk through the pain to emerge on the other side. When loss and grief are not acknowledged, people sometimes try to bury their feelings with alcohol and other drugs or they keep so busy they won’t feel; however, these destructive paths can lead to depression, physical illness and suicide.
With the support and love of family, friends and, sometimes, trained helpers, it is very possible to move through grief rather than try to go around it by not feeling it. “Acknowledging reality brings pain. As I open myself to feel the total sense of loss, I discover I cannot do this grief work alone. I will need the love and support of those who understand the depths of this journey. Most of all I will need to be around people who are truly compassionate.”
Healing in grief is heart-based, not head-based. The depth of your very soul is exposed, and you enter into new realms to find healing. “The reality of this death/loss demands my attention. As I move from head understanding to heart understanding, I know with burning certainty that life is forever changed. I arrive at this new place unprepared for the journey ahead. How will I set forth?”
“The head, the heart and the soul must all come to embrace the reality of the death/loss. It is the soul that gives life to the head and the heart. I may know the reality of the death/loss in my head, but I must also let it sift down into my heart and soul.”
Silence and solitude, friends and family, all combined, are necessary for your journey through the pain of grief. “As I experience my grief, I am pulled to be both alone and together with others. I realize I need both. The beauty of it is that I have discovered I can embrace both needs. What an important revelation!”
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