The Reality of Sexual Abuse

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

In past months I have written a number of posts about sexual abuse and assault. (To find them, scroll down the long, alphabetical list of Labels in the right-hand column of this blog page. Click on "sexual abuse/assault.") In those posts, I've defined sexual abuse and described common feelings people have when they are abused in this way. I've offered resources to look into.

As I've also said before, people of all ages, genders, educational levels, financial backgrounds, religions and cultures experience sexual abuse. These photos represent this diversity. As sad as they are, I encourage you not to turn away. The sadness, shame, confusion, loneliness and fear you see in these faces reflect the reality for many. If you find these images and words difficult to take in, imagine what it is like for those who have experienced the abuse themselves.

Do not leave them alone with their pain any longer.

Current official statistics indicate that 1 out of every 3 females experiences sexual abuse before the age of 18. One in every 6 males does, too. Many who work in the field believe the numbers are higher, but due to the power of this terrible secret, many victims never disclose the abuse they endure.

No matter what the numbers may actually be, here is a way to turn the stats into human reality. Think of any common setting in which you find yourself on a regular (or irregular) basis -- the grocery store, church, work, an airport, etc. Stop and look around. Count off every third or or sixth person in that place and realize that the chances are very good that you are seeing the number of people who have been or will be abused sexually.

Every third or sixth person in your community has been touched sexually without giving permission; or has been forced to look at sexual pictures against his or her will; or has been raped; or has been forced to perform sexual acts on another person or an animal; or has been exposed to some form of unwanted sexual touching or activity.

Every third or sixth person has felt so terrified, betrayed, threatened and confused that she or he cannot tell what has happened. He or she may not even have words to describe the abuse, even if they wanted to try.

Every third or sixth person you see around you is doing his or her best to carry unbearable memories deep inside...and still live daily life as "normally" as possible.

If you have never encountered sexual abuse yourself, you may find it hard to believe, accept or face. But be assured, sexual abuse is a regular, nightly, daily occurrence around the world. In your town. Probably on your street. You owe it to yourself, your loved ones and your community to learn about sexual abuse. Find out what you can do to support healing for those who need it.

Healing is absolutely possible!

If you are one of the people I am talking about, give yourself huge credit for making it this far. You're not as alone as you may feel. You are not to blame. You can learn to understand what happened to you and deal with your difficult and overwhelming feelings.

Everyone can make choices to help themselves and others move forward. Talk to a counsellor, trusted friend, police officer or religious leader. Read about sexual abuse online and in books.

You do not have to carry this alone.

Dr. Gabor Maté on Addiction

Saturday, June 26, 2010

In Vancouver's Downtown Eastside, a doctor by the name of Gabor Maté works with the people who live there. Many of the people are addicted to heroine, crystal meth and other serious drugs, and Dr. Maté has spent years learning about addiction, about people who become addicted (to anything), and about ways to increase understanding and healing.

I have followed Dr. Maté loosely since I heard him interviewed on CBC radio a year or two ago, and I'm impressed by both his work and his approach to addiction and the people ensnared by it. His is not an attitude of blame or social expediency. With what I call a compassionate, scientific approach, Dr. Maté has studied the brain and the lives of the addicts he encounters and then marries his understanding of both to reach an explanation for addiction that makes sense and invalidates blame.

I encourage you to look into Dr. Maté's work; explore his website and read his books, not all of which deal with addiction.

In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts -- Close Encounters with Addiction

When the Body Says No -- The Cost of Hidden Stress

Hold on to Your Kids -- Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

Scattered Minds -- A New Look at the Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder

Forgive Mom & Dad Day

Friday, March 18, 2010

My calendar of observances tells me today is Forgive Mom & Dad Day. Now, depending on your mom and dad, you might be thinking:

• No damn way. (or harsher words to that affect)
• There's nothing to forgive; they did a good job.
• I'm working on it...
• What parents?
• They did their best. I can live with that.
• What mom?
• What dad?
• etc.

I certainly can't list all the wrongs a parent can commit. I know. I'm a parent. I had/have parents (one is still with us, while the other passed away many years ago.) I have taught and counselled parents, have loved ones who are parents, and have taught the children of parents. Parenting mistakes come in many, many forms.

Fortunately for the human race, so do parenting successes. Please be assured I do not say this from the viewpoint of someone who grew up in a functional, wondrous household. Quite the opposite, though we did also have some great times when I was a kid.

What I have come to believe about forgiveness is this:

1. Forgiveness means acknowledging that someone made a mistake. Period. Nothing too esoteric about it, as far as I can tell. I searched for a long time to understand what forgiveness is, and this is the closest I've come. It works very well for me.
2. I make mistakes all the time, and I'd rather not be condemned for them.
3. I sometimes learn from my mistakes.
4. I'm no different than anybody else. So if I can make mistakes and want to be forgiven and might learn from my mistakes...the same is true for every other person.
5. Therefore, I can forgive another person.
6. I do not want to walk around carrying blame and righteous indignation and resentment, so it's to my advantage to forgive.

That's how I see it now. It took decades, but I have forgiven my parents for being imperfect and for making some pretty big, painful, harmful mistakes, as well as a whole bunch of little ones. I'm also learning to forgive myself as a mom for my own load of errors. It all gets better if I let it.

What do you think of forgiveness? How does it operate, or not operate, in your life?

Word Wonder -- lethargy

Monday, February 15, 2010

1. a state of sluggish inaction, indifference, or dullness; apathy.

[The word "lethargy" comes, via French and Latin, from the Greek word lethargos, meaning forgetful, which in turn comes from the Greek lethe, meaning oblivion.] - Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary

It seems that in Greek mythology, the River Lethe flowed through Hades. Those who went to Hades drank the water of the river in order to forget the past -- to find oblivion. Ancient Greek physicians likened this state of oblivion to that of the deep slumber they saw in some patients, so they called the disease lethargia. The ancient Romans compared the oblivion in the myth to the oblivion of death and came up with lethalis, an adjective that today means "lethal" -- deadly or fatal. - Thereby Hangs a Tale, Charles Earle Funk.

Today the word lethargy is generally used in the way it's defined at the beginning of this post -- a state of indifference or sluggishness. Most people experience short-term lethargy every once in a while. A great night's sleep, a brisk walk, a weekend of "just" lying around or a night out with friends can often take care of it.

A longer period of lethargy can accompany depression, mourning, or illness and is a normal part of these conditions. Loss, fear, and sickness rob us of physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional energy, making it difficult to think or to perform even simple tasks. Lethargy can drain our interest in life and in the people around us.

Here are some helpful (and maybe not surprising) ways to deal with lethargy:

• Deal yourself a break. Be as kind and patient with yourself as you would be with a good friend.
• Get enough sleep. This might include naps, even if you don't usually "do" naps.
• Eat more fresh, raw foods and fewer processed foods.
• Get outside for fresh air.
• Add a walk or other exercise to your fresh air experience. Even small amounts of exercise are helpful; you can increase it bit by bit.

Allow yourself this down time. Read more. Listen to music or talking books. Visit with comfortable friends. Do easy tasks like sorting magazines or cleaning one cupboard.

Talk with a counsellor if you feel this will help. Whether your situation is temporary or long-term, counselling support can be very helpful.

One of the hardest things about dealing with the lethargy of depression and mourning is that it feels like it will never end, even if helpful books and people have assured you it will. Pay attention to your levels of energy and let them guide you as much as possible. If you feel like visiting with friends, do so. If you need a few hours on the couch, go for it. Enjoy laughter and positive energy when they come and respect the tears that can follow. Gently but firmly encourage yourself to reach a little further when you can, but don't give in to blame; feeling lethargic is not the same as being lazy or selfish.

Life may be a roller coaster at times, but if lethargy is part of your ride at the moment, accept it as best you can and be on the lookout for happier moments.

Choose Your Attitude

Friday, December 11, 2009

This morning I had a conversation in which I was reminded that no matter what the circumstances, I can choose my attitude toward those circumstances, toward myself and other people.

This business of choosing my attitude is an active one in which I decide, step by step, what I will focus on and what feeling I'll nurture in myself. These choices are all immediate and specific to a given situation, often one in which I want to blame someone or something for what's happening to me.

By trial and error and by getting help from others, I've worked out a process that makes it possible for me to change my attitude in tough situations. I end up feeling better, and things usually work out better than they might have otherwise. Sometimes the process happens quickly, and sometimes it takes a while, but it does help. Here's a brief look at how it works for me:

     * At some point in the situation, hopefully sooner rather than later, I notice what I'm feeling -- anger, resentment, being "right" or sorry for myself, etc.

     * Once I notice my emotions, I stop and acknowledge that I don't like the way I feel. This has nothing to do with what the other person did or what's going on. I just say, sometimes out loud, "I know I don't like how I feel right now." I always get at least a tiny bit of relief after acknowledging this. Even if I still feel justified or whatever, I can acknowledge that it doesn't really feel too good in my gut or my heart.

     * Next I acknowledge that I can choose to feel better if I want to. Usually I'd rather feel calm or happy instead of resentful or justified, but sometimes I do want to roll around in my misery, and I have the choice to do that, too. Remembering this choice offers more relief because I don't have to feel better if I don't want to -- and the little kid in me just doesn't want to sometimes. But consciously remembering that I can choose to feel better at any time generally shortens my "little kid" phase.

     * Whenever I do decide to feel better, I ask myself what I'd like to feel and think instead of anger or blame or whatever.

• I might remind myself that everybody makes mistakes or has a bad day, so I can stop focussing on their recent action or words.
• Or I can decide that this matter is important and I need to talk about it or do something to change it. 
• Sometimes I can't sort it out yet, but I can decide to set the issue aside for the time being and do something useful or enjoyable in the meantime. This is not the same as sweeping it under the rug. I've just set the issue to the side, knowing I will come back to it at a better time or when I have clarity.

     * In all situations, I've learned to ask myself what part I played. Did I add to the problem? Was I implying something or dwelling on negativity or blaming somebody else? I don't always do this right away because it may not feel comfortable to take responsibility for my own actions, but it helps me to ask such questions as soon as I can.

     * Having decided to let go or deal with the situation or let it rest for a while, I consciously choose to get on with my life in a positive way. I do something I enjoy or get a job done. I might make a time to talk about things or acknowledge that it isn't such a big deal. Maybe I'll realize that the same thing didn't bother me last week, so maybe today I'm tired or thirsty or feeling vulnerable for some other reason...and then I drink some water or rest or do whatever I need to.

     * At some point soon I consciously pay attention to the fact that I feel better or the situation has improved or I've learned something. This usually includes expressing gratitude for the improvements or, at least, for my decision and ability to choose a better way. This step is important because it solidifies my learning (for the next time) and helps me live in a more aware way.

Choosing your attitude is not magic, but doing so can bring practical, almost magical results in the form of calmer days and less stressful relationships. I like the advice of a guy named Mike Dooley who says, "Thoughts become things, so choose the good ones."

It's So Hard to Love a Manipulative Person

Do you have a loved one who tries to manipulate you? Maybe you're not sure if her actions are legitimate or not. Maybe you feel like you're to blame for the lack of harmony between you. Or maybe you feel like you're going crazy almost every time you try to talk to this person.
Well, before you can learn to deal with a manipulative person, it can help if you're clear about what manipulation looks like. Here are five common tactics of this sort of crazy-maker:

• seems to stubbornly refuse to understand you when you explain something
• arranges situations to make you look foolish
• says one thing but does another
• tries to "make you" feel responsible, inadequate or guilty
• brings up problems or requests in front of other people, making it hard for you to be honest or to refuse

If any of this sounds familiar, you may be dealing with a manipulative person. So what can you do? You can begin to take control of your part of this relationship without giving up, giving in, or belittling your loved one in return. By adjusting your thoughts and actions, you can improve how you feel about your crazy-making manipulator and deal more effectively with his behaviour.

You have many choices in how you think about and act toward this person. Consider the following responses to the five examples of manipulation listed above:
When she seems to stubbornly refuse to understand what you're saying:

• Your thoughts --> Remember that though you've spoken as clearly as you can, you cannot force anyone else to understand you, whether they're genuinely trying to comprehend or not.
• Your actions --> Say your piece only once. More than that might just be helping her frustrate and manipulate you.

When he arranges a situation to make you look foolish:

• Your thoughts --> However embarrassing this is, know that his (or anyone's) opinion of you is far less important than your opinion of yourself.
• Your actions --> You can remain silent or state calmly that his version is not the whole story. Then you can leave the situation or stay, depending on your preference.

When she says one thing but does something else:

• Your thoughts --> You might need to learn not to count on what she says, even if she seems sincere. You don't have to let her sincerity or deceitfulness rule your choices.
• Your actions --> Don't base your plans on her plans. Make your own plans, which can include your loved one if you choose.

When he tries to "make you" feel responsible, inadequate or guilty:

• Your thoughts --> Remember that no matter how much you love this person, and no matter what he says, you are in charge of your own choices and feelings.
• Your actions --> You can say something like, "That seems to be how you see it, but I see it differently." Then do or don't do whatever seems best to you in that situation.

When she makes requests or statements in front of other people that feel embarrassing or difficult to respond to:

• Your thoughts --> Keep in mind that manipulative people want to feel superior and on top of things, but that you do not need to accept their actions or let them determine what you say or do.
• Your actions --> You might stay silent, or you might calmly say something like, "This isn't a good time for us to talk about this, but I'm willing to talk about it later."

These few suggestions can give you some ideas for taking a new direction. You do not have to allow anyone else to manipulate your feelings, thoughts or actions. Why they do this is less important than how you respond, so put your valuable energy into creating new responses, and you'll find new energy to live your life -- no matter how your loved one chooses to live his or hers.

Build a Short Fence in Your Tough Relationship

Some relationships are tricky. You ride up and down, in and out, and still you hang on as best you can, even when the going gets tough. If you have problems with somebody you love – your spouse, son, aunt, friend, or whomever – you know how exhausting and scary this roller coaster ride can be.

Relationships like this are described well in these lines from the song, “Put Some Love into It,” by The Laws, a married duo from Seeleys Bay, Ontario, Canada:

Life can be a bed of roses,
Sometimes it’s just a bed of nails.
You’re up one day, down the next, it never fails.

People want their relationships to bring love, companionship, fun, support, and happiness. But if you're in a relationship that brings the opposite -- chaos, worry, sadness, frustration, hurt -- you might be feeling very discouraged. So what can you do to smooth out the ups and downs of your difficult relationship? How can you feel more peaceful and less worn out?
...By changing your approach and your thinking. You can consider new ideas, learn new skills, and change your actions. Take a look at this:
Imagine that you have next-door neighbours whose messy yard really bugs you and even messes up your yard. Their weeds broadcast seeds that take hold in your lawn. Their overflowing garbage can smells awful, and their dog drags the refuse onto your porch. They never cut their grass. Rusting cars and old appliances fight for space in the front yard. But as much as their stuff bothers you, are you going to go over there and weed the garden, haul the junk to the dump, and cut the grass? Not likely. Why not? Because it's their mess, not yours.
The same is true for your troublesome loved one's life. It's his mess, not yours -- even though it sometimes messes up your life and even though you love him. So since the mess is not yours, and you didn't cause it, and you can't control it, how about trying something different?
Here's a useful tool to help you do that. Picture a short fence, about knee height, standing up between you and your problematic loved one (between your yard and his messy yard). Now, each time your relative or friend gets drunk or yells at his kids or gets fired, picture yourself walking right up to that short fence. But you do not step over the fence, even though it's low enough for you to do so. You stop at the fence because whatever is on the other side belongs to your loved one, not to you. Picture yourself feeling love for that person, and then turn around and walk away. Find something to do that pleases you. Get a hug from somebody else. Watch a movie. Go for a walk. Do something that helps you stay on your side of the short fence and respect that your loved one's life (messy yard) is theirs to fix, not yours.
Here are two examples of how to stay on your side of the short fence:

• If your sister comes over when she's drunk and wants to drink your booze, don't try to convince her to stop drinking. You could tell her you'll talk with her when she's sober or when she decides to get help, but you won't help her drink. Your short fence reminds you that you cannot control her drinking, and her drinking problem isn't yours to fix.
• When your husband gives you the silent treatment because he's angry with you, remember that how he reacts to you is not yours to fix. You did not make him choose that reaction, and you can't make him change it. Even though the silent treatment can feel painful and confusing, you can choose to stay on your side of the short fence by getting on with your daily activities. You might calmly tell your husband that you're prepared to talk when he's ready and that you're not allowing his anger to make you feel punished. You have things to do, and you're going to enjoy your life with or without his silence or his participation.

An important key to the short fence is that you stay "in your own yard" without pointing your finger at your loved one. The short fence is not an excuse to hurl insults or blame from a safe distance; it's an opportunity to let go of anger and blame and to make positive choices for yourself. It gives you the energy to live your life and, if he decides to change, to be ready to move forward together.
The short fence can help you remember that each of us has his or her own life to live. We are each responsible for our own choices. We cannot change or control anyone but ourselves. With troublesome loved ones (TLOs for short), life and love can certainly feel more like a bed of nails than a bed of roses. However, by living your own life as well as you can (by staying on your side of that short fence), you can start to grow some roses and offer your TLO a healthier form of love. And then, as the Laws’ song goes on to say:

Love can help you climb a mountain,
Take you where you want to go.
No need to be afraid,
So have a little faith, in something we already know...

Don’t hold nothin’ back,
Remember what we’re living for,
And you’ll get so much more.