The Reality of Sexual Abuse

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

In past months I have written a number of posts about sexual abuse and assault. (To find them, scroll down the long, alphabetical list of Labels in the right-hand column of this blog page. Click on "sexual abuse/assault.") In those posts, I've defined sexual abuse and described common feelings people have when they are abused in this way. I've offered resources to look into.

As I've also said before, people of all ages, genders, educational levels, financial backgrounds, religions and cultures experience sexual abuse. These photos represent this diversity. As sad as they are, I encourage you not to turn away. The sadness, shame, confusion, loneliness and fear you see in these faces reflect the reality for many. If you find these images and words difficult to take in, imagine what it is like for those who have experienced the abuse themselves.

Do not leave them alone with their pain any longer.

Current official statistics indicate that 1 out of every 3 females experiences sexual abuse before the age of 18. One in every 6 males does, too. Many who work in the field believe the numbers are higher, but due to the power of this terrible secret, many victims never disclose the abuse they endure.

No matter what the numbers may actually be, here is a way to turn the stats into human reality. Think of any common setting in which you find yourself on a regular (or irregular) basis -- the grocery store, church, work, an airport, etc. Stop and look around. Count off every third or or sixth person in that place and realize that the chances are very good that you are seeing the number of people who have been or will be abused sexually.

Every third or sixth person in your community has been touched sexually without giving permission; or has been forced to look at sexual pictures against his or her will; or has been raped; or has been forced to perform sexual acts on another person or an animal; or has been exposed to some form of unwanted sexual touching or activity.

Every third or sixth person has felt so terrified, betrayed, threatened and confused that she or he cannot tell what has happened. He or she may not even have words to describe the abuse, even if they wanted to try.

Every third or sixth person you see around you is doing his or her best to carry unbearable memories deep inside...and still live daily life as "normally" as possible.

If you have never encountered sexual abuse yourself, you may find it hard to believe, accept or face. But be assured, sexual abuse is a regular, nightly, daily occurrence around the world. In your town. Probably on your street. You owe it to yourself, your loved ones and your community to learn about sexual abuse. Find out what you can do to support healing for those who need it.

Healing is absolutely possible!

If you are one of the people I am talking about, give yourself huge credit for making it this far. You're not as alone as you may feel. You are not to blame. You can learn to understand what happened to you and deal with your difficult and overwhelming feelings.

Everyone can make choices to help themselves and others move forward. Talk to a counsellor, trusted friend, police officer or religious leader. Read about sexual abuse online and in books.

You do not have to carry this alone.

April Fool's Day

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Flash back to April Fool's Days in the '60s. My brothers and I would get up early and play tricks on our dad -- sugar in the salt shaker, salt in the sugar bowl. We thought we were so clever! Then we'd short sheet somebody's bed or "string" somebody's room. Stringing involved a very large ball of string which we would tie to any available space...starting at the back corner of the bedroom. Then we'd wind the string around curtain rods and drawer handles, working our way backwards towards the door. There was a LOT of criss-crossing of string until we had a giant spider's web that ended on the doorknob. The better we were, the more tightly tied everything was, and the harder it was for the victim to get into his or her room. Great fun!

What's neat about these memories is that they exist.

Even in the messes of our often messy family life, we did have good times. It's important for me to remember that. Learning (and being willing) to do so helped me when I started to deal with the bad times.

I encourage you to look for the good times in your past and your present. Be real and honest about the messes, but don't focus on them so much that you're blind to the blessings.

And Happy April 1. Play a friendly joke on somebody. Smile when somebody plays one on you. I believe it all evens out in the end.

Touch

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Yesterday I heard part of a radio program on the theme of "touch." The host interviewed guests about the importance of touch in their personal lives, careers, and so on. It got me thinking of moments of physical touch that have, well, touched me. Many of them have to do with my children -- holding hands with them, feeling a small hand on my cheek. I always felt a little guilty when I'd hold them when they had a temperature because I loved the heat their small bodies radiated.

Another memorable touch was the first time I kissed a boy. I was fourteen. We'd been patients together in a hospital, me for eye surgery, him for something I've long since forgotten. He was being discharged, and I was pretty sad to see him go. I rode down in the elevator with him (I can't think where his parents were), and he kissed me just before the doors opened. Wow.

This idea of touch has "touched off" many thoughts and ideas, so I imagine I'll be writing about it again. In the meantime, slow your life down a bit and muse about touches you remember...even from five minutes ago. Be present in your body as you meander through the past. It can be a lovely journey.

Some Thoughts on Grief - Part 3

January 11, 2010

This is the final article in a series I've posted over the last three days. I wrote the series on grief with Cathy Piper, a registered nurse with a particular interest in palliative care and bereavement. Published in The Manitoulin Expositor in May 2008, the articles briefly discuss the grieving process. All quotations are taken from The Journey Through Grief, by Alan D. Wolfelt.


Moving on From Grief
In this last part of our brief series on grief, we’ll talk about moving on from grief. Keep in mind that the grief we are talking about can involve any sort of loss – a loved one, a job, a childhood, a home, and so on.

It’s not unusual to sometimes feel guilty during the grieving and healing process. Some people feel guilty when they discover advantages in the changes that have occurred, such as more time to spend with other family and friends, a preference for the new home after all, more money, or less responsibility. Some feel guilty the first time they laugh or the first day they don’t think of their departed loved one. Such feelings of guilt come from the changes life brings and are a natural part of responding to those changes. But they are not wrong or bad, and they do not mean you don’t or didn’t care. Let the feelings of guilt go by acknowledging them and reminding yourself that life really does go on and that it is a good thing to be able to enjoy it.

Another aspect of the grieving process is the unpredictable nature of memories. During the early phases of grieving, memories can come pouring in and threaten to overwhelm you. They can pop up at the worst times and refuse to leave, even when you have things you just have to do, like sleep or go to work or make supper. Memories often bring on floods of tears, feelings of anger, and a renewed sense of loss. As with guilt and all other aspects of grief that we have discussed, such remembering ups and downs are normal. In fact, they are helpful and necessary because they help us place the person, relationship, or previous state of health in the past, where it actually does reside.

Though thinking of this reality can be hard, it is natural and necessary because learning to move on from relationships or abilities or circumstances that have changed is the nature of life. Nothing can be gained by refusing to move forward, except that you may very well add burdens to your life that keep you stuck and make you unwell.

Instead, use your feelings and memories to honour and remember the people and circumstances that have gone. Enjoy and be grateful for their presence in your life for the time they were there. Discover and appreciate the lessons you’ve learned and the challenges and fun you’ve experienced because of them. Use those lessons and pleasures to enhance your life today. By appreciating and accepting the past, you will be able to live a more satisfying today and look forward to many promising tomorrows.

“Memories are my treasures…they carry my story, my song, my light. As I long for peace, I carry my memory torch with me, a vital link in the chain of humanity.”

What is Sexual Abuse or Assault?

Sexual abuse/assault is frighteningly common, and many people misunderstand what it is and what it isn't. This article is intended to help explain sexual abuse and sexual assault so that victims, abusers, and family members can be clear. It is by no means a complete look at the subject, but it might provide a helpful starting place for you.

To begin with, "sexual abuse" is the term that is often used when referring to child victims or others who experience unwanted and repeated or long-term sexual behaviour. The term "sexual assault" generally refers to the particular act of unwanted sexual behaviour. For general purposes, either term may be used to name what has happened to you or someone you know.

Sexual abuse/assault happens to boys. It happens to girls. It happens to teens, women, and men. It happens to babies, elderly people, and to those who are handicapped. Sexual abuse/assault happens in every possible gender combination -- male to female, male to male, female to female, and female to male. Sexual abuse/assault occurs in isolation, one person abusing one person, and it also occurs in groups -- more than one person abusing one or more other people. It can happen once or over and over again.

In all cases, no matter what the circumstances, sexual assault is defined as any unwanted sexual act. Some examples of its many forms are: showing pornography to a child; making a threat about forced sex; unwanted touching (whether it hurts or not); forcing someone to touch another person (or animal) sexually; rape. Two key concepts are important:

1. An adult who is threatened, tricked, or forced to engage in unwanted sexual activity of any kind is a victim of sexual assault/abuse.
2. A child cannot ever be considered to give consent to any sexual act with an older or more powerful child, teen, or adult. (Although it might be difficult to pinpoint or define, and not everyone would agree, young children can quite healthily "play doctor" or be curious about another young child's sexual organs. The key is whether or not both young children were comfortable and agreed to their investigations.)

Many adults who were sexually abused as children find ways to cope with their past experiences. It's very common for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse to:

• forget the abuse or the abuser (this is a "surface" form of forgetting; the memories are still there)
• drink alcohol, do drugs, work, overeat, under-eat, gamble, or over-exercise to bury the images, feelings, and memories
• cut or burn themselves or physically harm themselves in other ways
• attempt or succeed at suicide
• engage in risky sexual activity
• have sex with many people
• have trouble, or make trouble, at home, work, or school

All of these reactions to childhood sexual abuse can help keep memories buried -- at least for a time. They can help you raise a family, go to school and work, have fun with your friends, and so on. The problem with these forms of coping is that they will not make the memories go away, and they will not help you actually deal with those memories. And of course they are often damaging to you and your loved ones.

"I thought I'd dealt with it." So many adults I've worked with have said these words! But drowning or temporarily forgetting painful memories is not the same as actually dealing with them -- and healing from them.

You can do so much to help yourself. You can tell someone, even if you've never told anyone before. You can learn tools to help you work through the terror and rage. You can learn that you are not to blame for being abused.

In future articles I will offer suggestions and information about childhood sexual abuse and what it can be like to heal from it. In the meantime, call your local women's shelter, crisis phone line, or counselling centre to find help. And here are some Internet resources that also might be helpful:


Ontario Women's Directorate -- Sexual assault: What every girl and woman should know

http://www.citizenship.gov.on.ca/owd/english/youthzone/assault/

American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress -- http://www.aaets.org/article31.htm

Learning and Violence -- http://www.learningandviolence.net/

Rape Victim Advocacy Program -- http://www.rvap.org/pages/adult_survivors_of_childhood_sexual_abuse/