If fear weren't there...

I couple of weeks ago, in the midst of various health challenges and changes, a friend passed on a question she'd heard recently:

How would you act if fear weren't there?

Hmmmm... Good one. Although I didn't have much energy when I heard it, part of me liked this question because it cut through all the rhetoric and emotional roller coasters. The question asks me to set aside my ordinary reactions and more objectively ask myself what actions I would take in a situation if I (or even others) weren't afraid. It doesn't ask or expect me to stop feeling the fear, just to consider what I'd do if the fear weren't there.

My favourite definition of courage is "to feel the fear and do it anyway" -- whatever "it" might be. This new question I'm writing about is, to me, a helpful way to move from the theoretical definition of courage into action. And since I'm a great believer in action as the antidote to many sticky situations, this is something I can get my head around.

For example, if you were faced with an unexpected and unwanted job change, such as a layoff or being fired, a common reaction would be to feel afraid (among other feelings). Fears about your financial situation, changing status and/or respect, loss of workplace friendships, having to move, and so on. Many people would feel fearful in such a situation.

But now imagine that instead of dwelling on the worries and what-ifs, you just sat down and for a few minutes pretended you were an android or a robot. Imagine yourself moving into 'Droid Mode in which you feel nothing and simply have a problem to solve -- a problem no more emotional than sorting through the junk drawer or sweeping the floor.

In 'Droid Mode, you say to yourself, "Okay, so this is not what I wanted or expected. The situation appears to leave me with no familiar options, but I will consider every option I am able to see at this moment. Some will be familiar, perhaps, while others may not. That is no matter. I will simply weigh each one to determine how helpful it might be in this situation. Then I will choose reasonable actions and carry them out."

And so, ignoring all emotional reactions to the change, you simply list problems that have arisen and what you can do right now and in the near future to address them.

What would you do if the fear weren't there?

Change -- a journalling exercise

Monday, January 24, 2011

Some people say that change is one of the few things we can count on. In any case, change affects us all in different ways at different times and in different circumstances. Sometimes we like change, such as when an unpleasant person becomes more pleasant. Sometimes we don't like change, such as when we have to move away from a beloved home. And no matter how we feel about it, we change often in the course of growing up and getting older.

Set aside some time to consider how you have changed in the last five, ten, or twenty years...and what affect those changes have had. Think about the changes you consider to be "good," as well as the ones you think of as "bad" or "negative."

First, write down all the big and small changes you can think of. Decide how many of them you want to look at closely. One? Three? All of them?

Then, for each change you decide to examine, answer the questions below, taking time to muse and remember:

1. Was the change fairly easy to deal with, or was it hard?
2. Did you react to this change differently than ususal?
3. If you resisted the change, what did you think and do in your resistance -- refuse to discuss it, get really busy, take out your feelings on others? How did you feel -- afraid, satisfied, angry, resentful, excited, willing, sad, ashamed, etc.?
4. If you accepted or enjoyed the change, what did you feel, think, and do to help the change occur?
5. How did the change affect other people? How did you feel about those affects at the time?
6. At this moment, how do you see the change and its results? What do you think and feel about it? Do you feel differently now than you did when the change occurred?

Self-evaluation like this fosters growth and healing. It provides opportunities to understand the nature of change and to embrace, or at least accept it, as a natural part of life. Through self-examination we find wisdom and forgiveness. Our fears can diminish because we learn to see change as a normal process.

You might have uncovered old feelings of guilt or shame while doing this exercise. This isn't unusual, and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means you're human. We're very good at burying unpleasant feelings, often because we don't know what to do with them at the time we feel them. This journalling exercise gives you a chance to re-examine your difficult feelings; the gift of time might have given you new perspectives or emotional skills. Use these to help yourself understand and deal with old pain. You might find help in earlier posts I've written. To read more about dealing with guilt, click here. To read more about dealing with shame, click here.

If you have trouble coming to terms with past changes, feelings, or actions, I encourage you (as always) to talk with a trusted friend or counsellor. Sometimes another person's perspective can be very helpful.

Word Wonder -- communicate

Sunday, June 20, 2010

1. To cause another or others to partake of or share in; impart.  3. To convey knowledge of; tell.  5. To transmit or exchange thought or knowledge.  6. To be connected.  [from the Latin communicatus and communicare, meaning "to share" which, in turn, comes from communis, meaning "common, public, general."] -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary and Dictionary of the English Language - an Encyclopedic Reference

Although "communicate" and its derivatives are ordinary words, I decided to check them out anyway, since communication is such a fundamental part of human existence. Their ancient Indo-European sources are the roots mei-, which means "to change, go, move" and ko-, meaning "together." Now, I am most definitely not a linguistic scholar, but I do enjoy learning and "feeling" and supposing about the paths our words take as they form and change.

So when I learned that communicate and its cousins come from ancient words that mean "change, move, and together," I explored in my heart and mind and gut for connections and threads of meaning and intention. In addition, the fact that "communicate" comes from the word "common" reminds me of the normal, everyday interchanges among people (and other beings) that can work for our common good.

When two or more beings communicate, a relationship, however brief, is shown to exist. One expresses, while another receives. Both/All parties feel emotions, think thoughts, choose actions. We communicate with our thoughts, hands, spirit, words, computers, hearts, ears, eyes, gestures, posture, pen and paper, hands, actions, tears, smiles, scowls, voices, choices, feet, and creations.


Communication brings change, as it connects us to one another. When we impart to another what we think, feel, or want, we are changing the relationship, no matter what the listener's response is. Communication can be risky. It can bring healing. It can help people move forward together.


Communication can, of course, also be used with the opposite intention, that of disrupting connections and causing separation, distrust, and harm. We all experience times when we talk to someone who is not actually listening or paying attention to what were conveying. We've all witnessed or been part of exchanges that were intended to hurt or cause damage.

What do you communicate to others about yourself?  Do you tend to clear the air or muddy the waters? Do you see communication as a way to get your ideas across or as a way to build relationships, contribute to understanding, encourage growth? How do you get your ideas across -- with anger or with calm? How fully do you listen when others speak to you.

Maybe today you'll consider your listening and expressing in a new light. Every single one of us can improve in this crucial part of life. Researching and writing about this topic opens me to being more mindful in my communication. How about you?

Mothers & Families

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Today is Mother's Day in many parts of the world. With a varied history in North America and elsewhere, this day of honour and celebration is observed for various reasons -- familial, political, societal, emotional. It is also celebrated at different times; in fact, July and September seem to be the only months in which it is not celebrated somewhere.

A related holiday called National Family Month is sponsored by KidsPeace, an American "private charity dedicated to serving the behavioral and mental health needs of children, families and communities."  National Family Month is celebrated annually from Mother's Day to Father's Day and "encourages family relationships and focuses on developing healthy, confident kids."

Holidays such as these strike a strange chord within me. They remind me a bit of Valentine's Day, which I wrote about on February 13th and 14th. The concept is great: love and honour the ones around you, and demonstrate your appreciation.

What gives me pause is that the reality on the other 364 days of the year often doesn't match the concept on the one day. Mothers (and non-mothers) are still being beaten, manipulated, raped, marginalized, and descriminated against 365 days a year. Children are getting the same treatment on the same days. Some fathers get the same treatment, as well. Even with so much social programming and nice little holidays, families are in big trouble. Individuals are in big trouble.

However, ranting solves nothing (as satisfying as it can be once in a while). On the other hand, actions -- one person's actions -- can solve something. I can do my own healing and recovery work so that I no longer carry the shame that others shovelled onto me when I was a child. I can accept responsibility for my own choices. I can show kindness to my mother, no matter what happened in the past. I can forgive a father whose harm to me is incalculable...because I have shaped new beliefs about life, relationships and myself. I can honour and enjoy my children, stepchildren, and grandchildren for the worthy beings they are. I can extend a hand to the fathers and mothers I know, especially when they're having tough times.

These actions are the best way I know to truly honour myself and others as mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, children, and so on. Not that a sweet card and a fistful of flowers does any harm. They just mean so much more when they're backed up by action during the rest of the year.

What do YOU think? #2

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Here's another quote for you to think about. What do you think the speaker meant? Do you agree or disagree? Do you know others who agree or disagree?

"Do or do not...there is no try."

In tomorrow's post, I'll give you the name of the person who made this brief little statement. In the meantime, you might want to mull it over.

Your Inner Voice -- a journalling exercise

Friday, March 26, 2010

I call this journalling exercise "Listening to your Inner Voice." That voice is sometimes called intuition or a gut feeling or gut instinct. Many, many of us have been taught to ignore that voice by being taught not to trust our own take on things, our own feelings and thoughts. "That's stupid; you can't do that." "Stop crying; there's nothing to be scared of." "Don't be silly; he's a nice man." "What a ridiculous idea."

We're taught to keep busy, not cry, ignore our own needs to help others, hide when we feel bad. We get sent to our rooms, hit, told to keep destructive secrets and silenced by others' silence. Many people aren't taught how to recognize and name feelings or how to listen to inner discomforts in uncomfortable situations. In many families, any response more subtle than a slap or screaming or crying is lost.

So although helping others and managing our emotions and keeping busy can all be positive actions, they can also get in the way of self-knowledge which, in turn, gets in the way of understanding others. When we don't understand ourselves and others, true compassion is difficult. We may be able to act like a nice person without actually feeling anything at all.

This journalling exercise can help you listen to your own inner voice, your gut. It can be a helpful tool for getting familiar with your true self. So grab a pen and notebook, or a computer, and get comfortable for a while. This exercise can be done in one sitting or in several shorter bouts. Remember that with journal writing, there is no wrong way to do it. Spelling, punctuation, handwriting and organization don't matter. Listening to yourself does.

Listening to your Inner Voice

Write about a time when you did or did not listen to a gut feeling about something or someone. Maybe you didn't make that phone call you thought of making, or you wrote to somebody and found out later how much it helped him. Maybe you heeded the tug prompting you to apply for a job, and as a result you met someone who became important to you, or you got the job.

Describe what was going on at the time:

• What did the inner prompting, voice, urge feel and sound like inside you?
• What did it suggest?
• If you paid attention to it, did you act on the suggestion right away or later?
• If you didn't heed it, how did you answer it -- by telling yourself it was dumb or pointless, by getting busy and forgetting about it, by consciously deciding not to listen?
• What happened after you did or did not listen to that urge?
• How did (and do) you feel about the outcome? Regret? Relief? Satisfaction? Irritation? etc......

Given that outcome, what might you do differently another time? Keep in mind that regrets can be useful if we decide to do something differently in the next situation. There's no need to hang on to regrets (in fact, doing so can be harmful), but by all means notice them and make a decision about what you'll do differently. Be grateful for the lesson and move on.

If you're happy with the outcome, dwell on the feelings and results. Decide to listen to yourself again another time. Be grateful for the lesson and move on.

In another recent blog post I wrote about intuition (click here to read it) and about the book Developing Intuition by Shakti Gawain. The post describes one fantastic way in which intuition, my inner voice, was on the right track. I find that the more I listen to my inside self, the more smoothly my life goes and the more serenity I experience. When I don't listen, things get choppy. It's a simple formula, yet I can complicate things and get in my own way, too!

In any case, know that learning to listen to one's intuition is a skill that can be learned (relearned, actually). I encourage you to listen to your inner voice. Learn to trust yourself; you're a great ally!

Grief Websites

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

This is a list of four websites related to grief recovery that my family and I have found useful in the past four months. I hope they're helpful to you, too. Keep in mind that mourning and a sense of loss are related to a death, of course, but they can also result from any major change or transition.

Center for Loss & Life Transition -- a site "dedicated to 'companioning' grieving people as they mourn transitions and losses that transform their lives. We help both mourners, by walking with them in their unique life journeys, and both professional caregivers and lay people, by serving as an educational resource and professional forum."

The Compassionate Friends -- a site for anyone who has lost a child at any age, by any cause

Grief Recovery -- "the action program for moving beyond loss"

Webhealing.com -- an interactive site on crisis, grief and healing.

Word Wonder -- rejection

Friday, February 25, 2010

To reject means to:
1. To refuse to accept, recognize, believe, etc. 2. To refuse to grant; deny as a petition. 3. to refuse (a person)  recognition, acceptance, etc. 5. To cast away as rejected. [From the Latin rejectus, which comes from reicere. Reicere is made of two parts: re-, meaning "back" + jacere, meaning "to throw."] - Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary.

Most people have experienced rejection at some point. Perhaps you have. Maybe someone who matters to you has refused to accept you into the family or the workplace. Maybe you've been part of a group but then were rejected, expelled from it.

The hurt of rejection can slice deep, cutting through layers of defenses and hopes. If you have experienced rejection in the past without coming to terms with it, fresh rejections can be especially painful and confusing as they pile up on the old ones. Rejection can feel scary, even threatening at times.

We use many words for rejection; here are some of them:

discard, repudiate, refuse, prohibit, contradict, ostracize, exclude, eject, disbelieve, drop, cut out, let go, dispense with, throw away, cast aside, get rid of, shrug off, dump, dispose of, jettison, jilt, throw to the wolves, write off, abandon, turn down, deprive of, repulse, rebuff, repel, kiss off, slam the door in one's face, snub, have nothing to do with, spurn, turn one's back, deny, shut out, exile, banish, ban, boycott, blackball, bar, ignore, segregate, isolate

Quite a long list of ways we find to exclude one another. They can all hurt, because one basic human need is to belong. Belonging affirms that we exist, that we have value and can contribute. When others cast us aside or don't let us "in" in the first place, our sense of belonging can feel threatened. It's easy to feel hurt and sad and to think, "If they don't want me, what will I do? I must not be as good as they are; maybe I'm not worth anything at all."

However, keep in mind that there is a difference between being rejected and being part of a natural change or situation that does not happen to include you. In the list of words above, I italicized some words because they could signal rejection, or they could simply signal a more neutral change or situation. Although such situations can be hard to take, they're not necessarily a personal attack against you.

Take a look at the comparisons below to get a feel for this difference:

rejection: Your girlfriend yells, "Kiss off, Asshole!" (Her anger and words are a definite rejection.)
neutral situation: You didn't get the funding for which you applied. The letter reads, "We regret to inform you that your application has been denied."  (You simply didn't qualify, or other applicants were more qualified. This is not personal against you, even if it is hard to hear.)
rejection: You've been on the job for six months and seem to get along with your co-workers. Then, without warning, many of them start to snub you in the staff room and don't talk to you unless they have to for work. (Whether or not you understand why, this sort of treatment seems to send the message: We don't want/like/value you.)
neutral situation: A member of your team who often seems to be "on your side" now contradicts your opinion during a discussion. (As uncomfortable as this can be, it's just another person's opinion. Having different opinions does not mean that anyone has less value than anyone else.)

 The key to dealing with all such situations -- clear rejections and neutral situations -- is to find ways to see and accept your own value no matter what others feel, think, say or do. What can you do when you feel rejected? Feel, think and act your way to new understanding:

• Acknowledge your feelings. It's human and okay to have emotional reactions to tough circumstances. Name your feelings; do you feel sad, hurt, angry, disappointed, afraid, lonely, resentful, useless? Let the tears flow. Take a few deep breaths. Go for a walk. Write in your journal. Talk it out.
• Think through the situation as clearly as you can. Ask yourself what led up to the rejection or change. Look at your own part in it; are you part of the problem? Do you need to apologize for anything? What can you learn and do differently next time? Keep in mind that circumstances might change in time. You might decide that you're happy with your actions. If so, remind yourself that others won't always agree with you and that that's just fine.
• Act on what you've learned and what you know. Learn to remind yourself of your value, no matter what others think. Ask someone you trust to help you see your less-wonderful traits. Change your behaviours that cause relationship problems. If it's appropriate, talk the situation over with those who are involved.

Change and rejection happen to everybody, but no matter which you experience, it's in your power to turn things around. Feel your feelings, think it through, and act on your own good intentions. You cannot change anyone else, and you might not be able to change the situation, but you can definitely change how you deal with it.

What is your community?

sharing

community

together

help

acceptance, tolerance, and love

reject assumptions

listen & hear

support

belong

circle  clothe

care        guide

feed            offer

emotions                 actions

What is your community made of?

What part do you play in your community?

Word Wonder -- willingness

Friday, February 19, 2010
1. Having the mind favourably inclined or disposed. 3 Gladly proffered or done; hearty.


[From the Old English word for will -- willa, which comes from the ancient Indo-European root wer-, meaning to wish or to will.] - Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary and Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dicitonary, Tenth Edition

Is there something in your life that isn't going the way you want? Do you feel disappointed or frustrated by people and events? Maybe you don't know how to make things different, or maybe you don't want to make things different. Perhaps your situation has already changed, and you cannot put life back the way it was.

Well, the uncomfortable truth is that whether you want to make changes or have had them forced upon you, your best bet for serenity is to change yourself -- your thoughts, your actions, your words. You'll be wasting a lot of valuable energy and time if you try to change other people or ignore and resent new circumstances. Like the ancients, your willa, your willingness, is your best tool for moving forward.

At this point you have a choice. You can either leave things the way they are and deal with the problems as they are, or you can risk making a change and deal with the new situation as it develops. If you decide, even slightly, to move in a new direction, here's a useful "trick" that can help you get over the hump. It can help you have a mind that is "favourably inclined" to the needed change.

Make a time and place where you can think and be quiet for a few minutes; this won't take long. Think about your resistance to the change. Maybe you feel angry or resentful about it. You might very well feel afraid, since fear and nervousness are usual reactions to change.

Now, see if you can find even a tiny, small sliver of willingness inside yourself. You might think, "Well, I don't like this at all, but I guess I'm willing to consider that I might feel better about it someday." Even being willing to be willing to be willing is enough to get you going. Ignore any pressure you feel to do this in a certain way or at a certain time. Just acknowledge that somewhere inside yourself, you're willing to be willing to be willing to change a tiny bit at some point in time. Then let go of your "shoulds" and "have-to thinking," knowing you have made a great start in getting unstuck or accepting the inevitable.

Now, every once in a while, notice and nurture that small willingness you've found. You might discover that in time, your willingness will grow and your resistance will diminish. Maybe your willingness will even be "gladly proffered" with a hearty openness. You just never know.

Head + Heart + Hands + Feet = Action

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thousands of studies have shown that childhood abuse in its many forms – sexual, other physical, verbal, emotional, spiritual – often, often contributes to, develops and/or erupts into these results:

• children and teenagers running away
• suicide ideation, attempts and success
• self-harm through cutting and addictions, for example
• harming others
• being abused and assaulted in adulthood
• difficulty learning
• poverty
• physical illness
• incarceration
• repeated unsuccessful or harmful relationships
• risk-taking behaviour
• promiscuity

All this research is useful head work, but when society -- that's you and me -- denies and ignores the truth of these conclusions, more babies get raped, more girls and boys are tormented, more teens cut and burn and drug themselves, more people get beaten, more people commit suicide and commit crimes.

The abuse of children, teens and adults is wrong. Period. You and I can do something. Period. I encourage you to join your head to your heart, hands and feet.

Learn about abuse. Feel something. Do something.

• Read a book, such as:
• The Courage to Heal 4e: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse 20th Anniversary Edition by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. Harper Paperbacks. 2008. 
• It Happened to Me: A Teen's Guide to Overcoming Sexual Abuse (workbook for male and female young adults) by William Lee Carter. New Harbinger Publications. 2002.
• Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse by Mike Lew. Harper Paperbacks. 2004.
• Check these websites:
• The Shelternet website "was created to provide reliable and up-to-date information for abused women, their family, friends, and colleagues in Canada."
• The American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress
• Child Abuse: Statistics, Research and Resources, a British website.
• Pandora's Project, "Support and resources for survivors of rape and sexual abuse."
• Volunteer at a:
• women's shelter
• adult literacy program
• youth detention centre
• prison
• community recreation program
• Listen to your friend, neighbour, co-worker or relative when he or she tells you about abuse. Learn how to help.
• Read the posts about abuse that I've posted in this blog to date, or search the terms "abuse" and "sexual abuse" for other information.
• Organize or attend observances such as Canada's National Day Of Remembrance And Action On Violence Against Women and worldwide Take Back the Night events.

You can, truly, do something to help. Learn in your head, feel in your heart, move your hands and feet; it's not really so hard, and the benefits are immeasurable but real.

Choose Your Attitude

Friday, December 11, 2009

This morning I had a conversation in which I was reminded that no matter what the circumstances, I can choose my attitude toward those circumstances, toward myself and other people.

This business of choosing my attitude is an active one in which I decide, step by step, what I will focus on and what feeling I'll nurture in myself. These choices are all immediate and specific to a given situation, often one in which I want to blame someone or something for what's happening to me.

By trial and error and by getting help from others, I've worked out a process that makes it possible for me to change my attitude in tough situations. I end up feeling better, and things usually work out better than they might have otherwise. Sometimes the process happens quickly, and sometimes it takes a while, but it does help. Here's a brief look at how it works for me:

     * At some point in the situation, hopefully sooner rather than later, I notice what I'm feeling -- anger, resentment, being "right" or sorry for myself, etc.

     * Once I notice my emotions, I stop and acknowledge that I don't like the way I feel. This has nothing to do with what the other person did or what's going on. I just say, sometimes out loud, "I know I don't like how I feel right now." I always get at least a tiny bit of relief after acknowledging this. Even if I still feel justified or whatever, I can acknowledge that it doesn't really feel too good in my gut or my heart.

     * Next I acknowledge that I can choose to feel better if I want to. Usually I'd rather feel calm or happy instead of resentful or justified, but sometimes I do want to roll around in my misery, and I have the choice to do that, too. Remembering this choice offers more relief because I don't have to feel better if I don't want to -- and the little kid in me just doesn't want to sometimes. But consciously remembering that I can choose to feel better at any time generally shortens my "little kid" phase.

     * Whenever I do decide to feel better, I ask myself what I'd like to feel and think instead of anger or blame or whatever.

• I might remind myself that everybody makes mistakes or has a bad day, so I can stop focussing on their recent action or words.
• Or I can decide that this matter is important and I need to talk about it or do something to change it. 
• Sometimes I can't sort it out yet, but I can decide to set the issue aside for the time being and do something useful or enjoyable in the meantime. This is not the same as sweeping it under the rug. I've just set the issue to the side, knowing I will come back to it at a better time or when I have clarity.

     * In all situations, I've learned to ask myself what part I played. Did I add to the problem? Was I implying something or dwelling on negativity or blaming somebody else? I don't always do this right away because it may not feel comfortable to take responsibility for my own actions, but it helps me to ask such questions as soon as I can.

     * Having decided to let go or deal with the situation or let it rest for a while, I consciously choose to get on with my life in a positive way. I do something I enjoy or get a job done. I might make a time to talk about things or acknowledge that it isn't such a big deal. Maybe I'll realize that the same thing didn't bother me last week, so maybe today I'm tired or thirsty or feeling vulnerable for some other reason...and then I drink some water or rest or do whatever I need to.

     * At some point soon I consciously pay attention to the fact that I feel better or the situation has improved or I've learned something. This usually includes expressing gratitude for the improvements or, at least, for my decision and ability to choose a better way. This step is important because it solidifies my learning (for the next time) and helps me live in a more aware way.

Choosing your attitude is not magic, but doing so can bring practical, almost magical results in the form of calmer days and less stressful relationships. I like the advice of a guy named Mike Dooley who says, "Thoughts become things, so choose the good ones."

The Day After

Yesterday was December 6.

Here in Canada, December 6 is the National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women. This day was established in 1991 by the Parliament of Canada to mark the anniversary of the 1989 murders of 14 women at l'École Polytechnique de Montréal. Only women were killed that day, because the killer consciously targetted women.

Since December 6, 1991, women, men and children have gathered in school gyms and community halls and churches across Canada to focus on the grim realities of women and children who live -- and die -- in violence. In my area, we gathered yesterday to listen to the daughter of a local woman who was murdered by her partner and to Jeannette Corbiere Lavell, the president of the Native Women's Association of Canada. We lit candles for the fourteen women murdered in Montreal twenty years ago and for every woman in our area who has died violently. None of this was done to stir or condone hatred of men but, rather, to acknowledge the lives of these women and to remind everyone present that violence against women and children continues.

Hatred is not a solution. For me, it is not an option. It is my hope that every person who attends these gatherings or reads this post or loves another person will transform his or her thoughts, feelings and words into action.

This short list of links is a starting point for those of you who would like more information. Please do something -- today, the day after December 6 -- to become more aware, to change your words and ideas, to act. Every single human being is worth it.

The Montreal Massacre -- coverage in the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) archives
Violence Against Women -- an international journal
YWCA December 6 Fund -- offers interest-free loans to women leaving violent homes
Men for Change -- a pro-feminist organization dedicated to promoting gender equality and ending sexism and violence
Learning and Violence -- a website that explores and explains the impact of violence on learning

Healing Actions -- an Exercise

Yesterday I posted a journalling exercise about healing attitudes. Today's exercise involves several healing actions you can take. This is not a complete list of helpful actions, just as yesterday's list of attitudes was not complete. These are starter exercises you can use at any time and to any depth you like. It might be helpful to read my post, "Keeping a Journal 101." There's no right or wrong way to keep a journal; just do whatever works for you.

Write or type your response to each of these healing actions:

• talking with someone you trust
• writing about what's going on
• digging inside yourself for questions and answers
• relaxing
• listening intuitively

Then, as with the Healing Attitudes exercise, explore one of the healing actions more fully and focus on what you can do about it today. Maintain that focus for one week, then two. If you like, give each of the other healing actions the same treatment after you're done with your first choice.

Date your entries for future encouragement. Smile. Cry. Draw. I invite you to express yourself in these simple and helpful ways.

And just for the record, it doesn't matter if you do the Healing Actions exercise before or after the Healing Attitudes exercise. They can both be helpful, so trust your gut.

Healing Attitudes -- an Exercise

Here is a journalling exercise that can help with your healing or personal growth. The exercise is presented in two parts, in two posts. You can do one or both of them or, of course, neither. The choice is yours.

I invite you to check out my earlier post called "Keeping a Journal 101" to read a short introduction to journalling. As with all journalling exercises I do and recommend, it's fine to either write on paper or type on your computer. I do suggest you date your writings if you plan to keep them; it's helpful and interesting to re-read them later to see how you've grown, what you've learned or what still needs work.

Below is a short list of healing attitudes. Consider and write briefly about how each has been helpful to you or could be helpful to you. Then pick one and write in more detail about what you can and will do today to make use of that healing attitude. And keep it simple, Sweetheart; one change at a time is plenty.

• willingness
• honesty
• acceptance
• determination
• creativity

If you'd like, maintain your attention to your chosen healing attitude for a week, then two weeks. Journal about what is changing as a result. Talk with someone trustworthy about what's happening with you.

You could then go on to focus on the other healing attitudes -- one per week -- and see what happens. However you approach this journalling activity, remember to listen to yourself. Take breaks. This is not a marathon. Enjoy yourself and give yourself credit for every effort. Healing and recovery aren't always easy, but they can definitely be satisfying!

In a companion post to this one, I'll offer a similar journalling exercise using healing actions you can take to help yourself.

The Tree of Gratitude

People often talk about being grateful for their blessings or making gratitude lists. More challenging is the suggestion that we be grateful for the hard times. All this talk about gratitude has become so common that it's easy to lose sight of how far-reaching the concepts are. I wanted to take a look at the underlying richness of gratitude. What are its roots? What other concepts are connected to gratitude -- maybe concepts I'm not aware of? How can these concepts deepen my understanding of gratitude?

First, then, a look at the roots of the word. The Latin word gratus means pleasing, beloved, agreeable, favourable and thankful. Through time, new words and shades of meaning have grown from that ancient beginning: grace, grateful, gratify, gratis, gratitude, gratuity, agree, congratulate, disgrace, ingrate, ingratiate and maugre (which means "in spite of"). In addition, the Indo-European root of gratus gave rise to the word "bard," meaning "he who praises." - Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary and Dictionary of the English Language

Every human utterance is an expression of some experience, thought, feeling or action. The words that have grown from gratus are deeply rooted and closely intertwined. Take a look at how these word-cousins show up in daily life...

Most people feel grateful when a beloved or otherwise agreeable person shows them a kindness. We appreciate favourable words when we are congratulated for an accomplishment. We might even praise that person or the gift. The giver of the gift often feels gratified to have given it and to know the gift was pleasing. On top of all that, we are often encouraged to express gratitude in spite of circumstances that don't seem to be so favourable. Sometimes we're able to accept disappointment with good grace. Doing so can also be gratifying -- at some point, anyway, even if not right way.

I encourage you to ponder the universality and gifts of gratus. Notice its presence in your thoughts and emotions. Express it in response to your daily experiences. Share it with others. Stop and acknowledge what is pleasing and favourable to you now. Let the roots of gratitude grow deeper inside you.

A Formula to Consider

Consider this formula for healing: despair + HOPE + action = a life