Time to Muse...

Sunday, February 27, 2011

A few months ago, I spent a day with some friends, Klaus and Donna Bach, helping them pack to move. They'd lived on the Island a bit longer than I had, and I'd gotten to know them by several means. In the 80s, we'd worked together, with many others, organizing an annual folk festival here on Manitoulin. Klaus and Donna also owned the only health food store in the area, so I often saw them there.

These two make a wonderful pair: he, a soft-spoken, friendly German, and she, an effervescent, laughing Canadian. From all I could see, they, their two children, and the many foster babies they welcomed into their home formed a happy, loving family.

A firm believer in equality and common sense living, Donna was also a full-time homemaker -- truly, a home-maker. She loved looking after the whole family's comfort and offering stability and calm in their home. She contributed to the community and worked in the family's store.

Donna is one of the most smiling, practical and interested people I know.

On our packing day in the late fall, I was telling Donna about my blog, and she was as enthusiastic and supportive as ever. This conversation led to her showing me a poem she'd written years before. I asked if I could post it on my blog sometime, and she was delighted.

I like her little poem because it's real. It reflects the simple realities of daily life -- that the common tasks are more than just common tasks. They allow our minds to shut down and get much-needed rest. The small attention we must pay them allows emotions to be put on hold... or expressed in relative privacy (since the common tasks are often completed on one's own, anyway!). Intuition can slip in quietly and offer solutions that might otherwise go unnoticed. Life is full of small moments in which we can be renewed.

Here's Donna's poetic musing from 1979:

Women's Work

Lead me to the sink where I can think.

Let me peel the onions -- I can cry.

Put my hands in hot and soapy water,

Let me fold the laundry if it's dry.

Ironing's my favourite -- then comes mending,

I'll probably be at it  'til I die.

I know my family thinks I'm busy working,

But I'm solving all our problems on the sly!

Family Day in Canada -- yesterday

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Yesterday we celebrated Family Day in Canada. This statutory holiday was first observed here in February 2008. It always falls on the third Monday of February. My first thought  at the time -- my jaded, pessimistic first thought -- was that this would be just another opportunity for Hallmark to make a bunch of money. I didn't object to a mid-winter break; a three-day weekend is rarely a bad thing.

But the negative little corner of my mind has had a pleasant surprise this year. I've heard from a number of people that they did actually use the day to do something special with family. They played with their kids. They visited an estranged fathers and grandfathers. They got together for games and other fun. What refreshing news! In our family, I put on a big feast for our gang, and though it needed to be on Saturday, I still thought of it as our Family Day celebration.

So I've learned a little lesson here. Although, of course, most of us would hope we'd love and enjoy our families every day of the year, setting aside a special day does seem to have drawn attention to that hope. I'm so happy many people took the friendly reminder/opportunity to focus on their loved ones, to heal old rifts, to have some fun together.

I feel certain that such positive actions have ripple affects, some of which we may never see ourselves. But to me that's just fine. Love and fun and laughter and forgiveness carry their own wonderful energy. I don't have to understand it. I don't have to control it. I don't even have to do it.

But I'd rather do love, fun, laughter, and forgiveness than their opposites. So, Happy Today. Fill it up with some good stuff, and the ripples will bubble away from the centre of you to who knows where.....

The Hardest & the Best

Friday, January 14, 2011

Tweny-seven years ago today, I was very large with child...our third child. His dad, older brother, Logan,  and I were so excited about this baby! Having lost our first son, we were perhaps more appreciative of this healthy pregnancy and aware of the unpredictable nature of life than many young parents might be.

Well, Lucas did arrive safe and sound as anything. He was followed a few years later by another brother, Graham. Over the years of raising these boys, partly as a married parent and partly as a single parent, I came up with one of my personal axioms:

Being a parent is the hardest, best, & most satisfying thing in my life.In the course of time, I've also been blessed with step-children, grandchildren, and other Bonus Kids, as I call all the young ones I get to hang out with. Birth Kids and Bonus Kids. Fantastic.

Today, with most of my Kids in their twenties and thirties, it's still true that being a parent, auntie, and grandparent -- as conscious, loving, and dedicated as I can be -- is the hardest, best, and most satisfying aspect of my life.

I've certainly screwed up. I've tried things and failed miserably. I've felt so frustrated with my little lovelies I could have shaken them; I nearly did, actually. But I kept paying attention to how friends with older kids handled situations. I asked questions. I learned to listen to my own opinion and began my own healing work. I lost two children and felt terror at losing others. I watch them suffer and wish I could carry that for them, but I can't. And I shouldn't.

This is life.

If you have a friendly or loving relationship with any child or younger person, you are both so fortunate. You get to enjoy a ride that enables you both to have fun and work hard and grow up. What a great gift!

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Today is my mother's 90th birthday. She was born when the Roaring Twenties were born, and she grew as the Great Depression grew. The youngest of four children, my mother, Jayne, was a lively, adventurous child.

Jayne was -- and still is -- a gifted artist. Her paintings hang on various family member's walls. We enjoy her family portraits, still lifes, and scenes from family trips. We cuddle under the afghans she's knitted and laugh at old photos of us in the outfits she has sewn for us over the years.

She's real and normal. She wasn't always patient and didn't always give us what we wanted or needed. I definitely didn't always like her. But my mother did her best, and she has always stuck by us. She cooked and cleaned and led our scout packs. She sewed our costumes for Halloween and baked her delicious coffee cake every Christmas morning. Mom has always believed in her family, and that is a gift for which I will always be grateful.

Here's a poem she wrote to every family member in 1988, when she was only 78:

When I look at the future,
and a year soon to end,
I tried hard to think of
what message to send.

Each one of you runs through my
life like a song,
like music and words
as the years move along.

We have all laughed together,
we've ben happy and glad.
We've had shoulders to cry on
when things were so sad.

I've been grandmother, mother,
friend, sister and wife,
daughter, cousin and aunt, and
each day of my life...
Has been wrapped up with you,
and I'm happy to say
that we all have each other
every step of the way.

Happy Birthday, Mom! You run through my life like a song. I'm glad we've both lived long enough to sing together.

It'll Come Out Okay

Monday, August 2, 2010

This weekend has been a busy and fun one because our house was filled with visiting family members -- lots of laughs, conversations, walks and outings. During one of those conversations with my brother-in-law, we moved into the territory of family relationships and other close ties, as he and I like to do. We discussed ways in which tensions can build and explode as well as some less hurtful ways of dealing with those tensions.

Having published a book about difficult close relationships, I sometimes unconsciously (and often consciously) expect myself to respond in the best possible ways at all times and in all situations. As if I know what's best. As if anyone could do that, even if they did know what's best.

So talking with my brother-in-law did, as it usually does, enlighten and lighten me. Here's how he did it this time.

We were talking about a troublesome situation with some people we know, a situation that's been going up and down for quite a while. What happens sometimes affects the two of us directly and sometimes doesn't, but it's generally difficult to witness. At one point he said to me, "It'll come out okay." My immediate internal reaction was, Don't think so.

After a while he talked some more about his optimistic opinion and, fortunately, I was able to hear him with a more open heart and mind this time. It felt like a little tiny door opened up inside me, and I was able to let go of the pessimism that had crept into my thinking. I felt better, and though I have no idea if he's right or not -- it might or might not come out okay -- something of value happened there.

I was reminded that even though I am generally a positive, hopeful, helpful person, I make negative judgements against others. I sometimes assume I know how things should turn out and what people should do or stop doing. Finally recognizing that I don't know all the factors or what's in other people's hearts and minds, I became more able to let go of the outcome.

Stuff like this is great (even though I don't like it when it's happening), because it gives me opportunities to walk my talk, which strengthens my own emotional and attitudinal "muscles." My talk often revolves around people's struggles with relationships and with ourselves. I advocate open-mindedness and open-heartedness and letting go of what we can't control. I co-wrote a book called It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted, so if what I write and talk about means anything, I'd better be willing to apply it in my own life.

My brother-in-law's gentle words helped me to do that this morning. I was reminded that it will, in fact, come out okay...even if I don't like or control the outcome. I hope it means greater happiness for unhappy people and clearer thinking in muddy situations, but that's not mine to decide. I can choose, and I do, to enjoy my renewed freedom from resentment and a desire to control others. That enjoyment, in turn, frees me to enjoy my day, mentally get off somebody else's case, and do the best I can for now.

Now, that's walking my talk. Thanks, Bro.

July - Warmth & Well-being for 31 Days

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Today is Canada Day for me and just about Independence Day for Americans. As I've said in other first-of-the-month columns this year, I have mixed feelings about some holidays. However, I am grateful to live in this country. Canada is, of course, not perfect, but Canadians enjoy many freedoms and opportunities. I feel grateful to live here. It is the land of my heart, though not the land of my birth.

So, as I begin a new month with thoughts of gratitude and celebration, I offer these other July observances for your consideration:





Freedom From Fear Of Speaking Day - July 2

For many who have been abused, neglected or otherwise discounted, it can be very difficult to speak up. So much of what I believe in and write about has to do with undoing degrading messages. One part of this undoing is starting to speak up for yourself. As with many personal changes you choose to make, you might find this one easier to kick-start with small changes. Say "no" when asked to do a chore you really do not want to do. Don't just go along with the crowd that does something you disagree with. Tell someone you trust how you really feel about a difficult topic or decision. On July 2 give yourself the challenge and the chance to speak up and speak out.

Take Charge Of Change Week - July 9-15

Click on this link, OnlineOrganizing.com, to find tips and resources for making change in various aspects of life.

Toss Away The "Could Haves" and "Should Haves" Day - July 15

Here is another great chance to change your thinking about yourself. For this one day, July 15, remind yourself not to say or even think the words "could have" and "should have." These words are so loaded with shame, guilt, blame and regret. What's more, the words and the thinking behind them drain away the energy you could be using to stay in the moment, to feel, act and think positively.

World Youth Day - July 15

See my comments below about National Make a Difference to a Child Month. Honour the young people you know and encounter. Be willing to drop your assumptions about them. Encourage their questions and support their efforts. Love them, respect them, enjoy them.

Parent's Day - 4th Sunday of every July

Visit the American National Parents' Day website at http://www.parentsday.com 

Mental Illness Awareness Month

Social Wellness Month

Purposeful Parenting Month

Family Reunion Month

National Make a Difference to Children Month

The other day I wrote about Dr. Gabor Maté, a physician working with addicts in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside. Maté states that every female and many of the males he has worked with who have serious addictions were abused as children. I have seen the same correlation between childhood trauma and addiction. So please, please make a difference to one child this month (for starters). Speak out against childhood sexual abuse. Learn how to spot the symptoms of abuse. Love the children in your sphere by offering them consistent care, respect, smiles and safety. Be a trustworthy, safe adult so children have someone to go to with their struggles and questions. DO NOT SHAME CHILDREN. Don't laugh at them when they make mistakes or do something differently than you think it should be done. Allow for individuality and teach them solid practices. Don't guilt or coerce them into compliance. Do what you say you will do. Make a difference to the children around you.

Great Observations for the Rest of June

Friday, June 11, 2010

As I try to get back into the swing of things since my knee replacement, and as I'm able to stay up without falling asleep every ten minutes...I offer you some of the worthy celebrations and observances for the rest of the month.

At the top of my list is Abused Women and Children's Awareness Day, which is today. What can you do today (and in days to come) to become both more aware and more proactive to help women and children who are being, or have been, abused?

If you are one of those women or children, I urge you to ask someone for help. Actually, ask as many people as it takes to get support and help, which can make such a difference in your life. I know this to be true from my own experience.

Here is the rest of the list for June. I can't imagine any negative impact that could come from becoming more active in some way or from praying for or sending loving energy to those included in the observances below:

• Family Awareness Day - June 18
• Universal Father's Week - June 18-24
• Father's Day June 20
• Let It Go Day - June 23
• Celebrate Your Marriage Day
• Gay and Lesbian Pride Month
• Effective Communication Month
• International People Skills Month
• International Men's Month http://www.menshealthweek.org/
• Children's Awareness Month
• Rebuild Your Life Month

And let me pass on to you three observances that are just too good to be true: National Candy Month (who besides a dentist could argue with this one?), National Rivers Month, and get this...Carpenter Ant Awareness Week June 21-27. I urge you to become more informed and aware of the challenges facing carpenter ants in these troubled times.

Mothers & Families

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Today is Mother's Day in many parts of the world. With a varied history in North America and elsewhere, this day of honour and celebration is observed for various reasons -- familial, political, societal, emotional. It is also celebrated at different times; in fact, July and September seem to be the only months in which it is not celebrated somewhere.

A related holiday called National Family Month is sponsored by KidsPeace, an American "private charity dedicated to serving the behavioral and mental health needs of children, families and communities."  National Family Month is celebrated annually from Mother's Day to Father's Day and "encourages family relationships and focuses on developing healthy, confident kids."

Holidays such as these strike a strange chord within me. They remind me a bit of Valentine's Day, which I wrote about on February 13th and 14th. The concept is great: love and honour the ones around you, and demonstrate your appreciation.

What gives me pause is that the reality on the other 364 days of the year often doesn't match the concept on the one day. Mothers (and non-mothers) are still being beaten, manipulated, raped, marginalized, and descriminated against 365 days a year. Children are getting the same treatment on the same days. Some fathers get the same treatment, as well. Even with so much social programming and nice little holidays, families are in big trouble. Individuals are in big trouble.

However, ranting solves nothing (as satisfying as it can be once in a while). On the other hand, actions -- one person's actions -- can solve something. I can do my own healing and recovery work so that I no longer carry the shame that others shovelled onto me when I was a child. I can accept responsibility for my own choices. I can show kindness to my mother, no matter what happened in the past. I can forgive a father whose harm to me is incalculable...because I have shaped new beliefs about life, relationships and myself. I can honour and enjoy my children, stepchildren, and grandchildren for the worthy beings they are. I can extend a hand to the fathers and mothers I know, especially when they're having tough times.

These actions are the best way I know to truly honour myself and others as mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, children, and so on. Not that a sweet card and a fistful of flowers does any harm. They just mean so much more when they're backed up by action during the rest of the year.

May You Celebrate!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A great many people must pull out all the stops once spring truly arrives. How do I know this? Well, aside from my own experiences with springtime bliss, there's the incredible number of observances and celebrations that take place in the month of May! After I excluded those which don't in some way apply to relationships, healing or personal growth (plus the irresistibly quirky one or two, plus those that apply to books and writing), I'm still left with over thirty celebrations for the month. Amazing.

Though I'm a little late getting this posted, here's part of the short list of celebrations and observances for the month of May. May you observe them with solemnity or joy or whatever sort of honour you wish to bestow. Click on the links below to learn more.

• Mental Health Week in Canada:  Click here to play a brief public service announcement about Canadian Mental Health Week.
• Mental Health Month in the U. S.: "Mental Health America continues its tradition to celebrate "May is Mental Health Month" which began in 1949. This year, our theme "Live Your Life Well" challenges us to promote whole health and wellness in homes, communities, schools, and inform those who don't believe it's attainable."
• Older Americans Month: "The mission of AoA is to develop a comprehensive, coordinated and cost-effective system of home and community-based services that helps elderly individuals maintain their health and independence in their homes and communities."
• Heal The Children Month:  "To encourage survivors of childhood abuse and neglect to speak out. By revealing their painful experiences, they can inspire others to prevent children from suffering the same ordeals."
• Meditation Month: Check out this page of links where you can learn more. 
• National Foster Care Month
• National Teen Self-Esteem Month
• Family Wellness Month

It seems a particular shame that I was late with the May observances, because May 1 was Stepmothers Day, at least in 2006, when I was as much a stepmother as I am now. I like the idea of there being a special day for stepmothers. Even the wicked deserve a break now and then.

Three other special days I missed on May 1 are Loyalty Day, School Principals Day and...wait for it... Join Hands Day. I hope you joined hands with somebody on Saturday. But it's not too late. You could do so today, too.

To finish off, I encourage you to pat a puppy or enjoy an elephant this week during Be Kind to Animals Week, from May 2-8. And it's definitely not too late to show your gratitude to somebody's teacher from May 2-8, because this is also Teacher Appreciation Week. While you're at it, please, please celebrate this: Get Caught Reading Month.

So, I urge you to celebrate, congratulate and appreciate this month. It's a great time of the year to do them all.

Word Wonder -- kind

Friday, January 22, 2010

1. Gentle and considerate in behavior; goodhearted; benign. Archaic affectionate; loving. 4. Obsolete Natural; appropriate; lawful.  [from the Old English word gecynde]

1. A class or grouping; type; variety. 2. The distinguishing nature or character of something. 3. Obsolete Nature in general; the ordained and proper order of things. [from the Old English word gecynd]
- Funk & Wagnalls Canadian College Dictionary

The word "kind" and its many relatives came from the Old English words gecynde and gecynd, two virtually identical descendants of the ancient Indo-European root, genə-. The root "genə-" means "to give birth or to beget." Many of the words that derive from this root have to do with procreation and with family and tribal groups: gender, general, generate, generic, genesis, genital, genius, genre, gentle, genuine, genus, germ, germinate, ingenious, innate, kin, king, natal, nation, native, nature, nee, noel, pregnant. Quite a list!
- Dictionary of the English Language

Notice that the dictionary entries above give several archaic and obsolete uses of the word "kind": affectionate, loving, natural, appropriate, lawful, nature in general, and the ordained and proper order of things. These older uses of the word provide a bridge from our modern understanding of "kind" back to the original meanings having to do with procreation, family, and the tribe.

This investigation of the word "kind" took me much deeper than just the academic examination of words and roots. It engendered images in my mind of ancient people living together in their family and tribal groups. Doing my best to go beyond sentiment and the visuals portrayed in Hollywood movies, I probed within myself for the feelings and facts of everyday life back then -- the requirement that families stick together and that tribes grow stronger by having children and staying close to kin who could be relied upon to protect and nurture. The root, genə-, implies that people have always seen the need for not only physical survival but emotional connection, as well.

They would have seen animals caring for their young. They would have witnessed birth, death, and regeneration and would have known they were part of it all. Genə- would have been a basic concept of everyday life. And so their languages, which developed out of everyday life, also shaped everyday life. Today we are the same-- part of birth and death cycles, shaping language and daily activities to meet our needs and the needs of those around us.

Most people value being part of a group, whether it's their family, a club or church, or a larger community or culture. Yet many, many people do not feel they belong anywhere. Whether we face our "own kind," whatever that means to each of us, or we face "others," we can choose to see the connections of genə-, of begetting and being kind and gentle, of the natural order of our connection to one another.

The Choice is Yours

A few years ago, I was dealing with a difficult family situation that was bringing on a lot of stress, frustration and resentment. As I wrote and doodled about the situation in my journal, I printed a question in big, stressed letters: "So What Am I Going To Do About It?". I think I wrote and printed it several times, taking out my frustration and confusion on the paper and pen.

After a while, I noticed all those capital letters and wrote them down, too: S-W-A-I-G-T-D-A-I? The acronym looked almost like a word, and I pronounced it "swag-tuh-day." I thought, Well, Kate, what are you going to do about it? SWAIGTDAI? I spent a while coming up with possible answers to that question and slowly worked my way out of my frustration and confusion. The situation didn't go away instantly, but I found ways to handle it that worked for me and didn't include striking out at anybody.

I told my family about SWAIGTDAI and how it was helping me focus on my options and strengths, and we started to use it in all sorts of situations. We quickly found it can also work when you say it -- with love, not sarcasm -- to someone else: SWAYGTDAI? So What Are You Going To Do About It? Both versions of SWAIGTDAI are meant as gentle and firm reminders that we have choices, even if we can't see them at first or don't like them.

For example, if a family member steals from me, I have several choices in how I respond:

• scream and yell
• cry
• talk calmly with the thief
• tell everybody in the family about it
• not talk about it at all
• give the silent treatment
• kick the person out
• call the police
• not call the police
• etc.

Some of those possibilities might seem so obvious that they don't look like choices at all, but they are. And every one of them is in my power to act on or not act on, even though the whole situation and my possible reactions might feel difficult at the time.
Every day, every hour, and minute brings choices for us to make. We can make choices that work for us or against us. We can think, feel, and act in ways that ease a tough situation or make it harder. So when you feel confused, frustrated, or just plain stuck, ask yourself, "SWAIGTDAI?" Then be willing to try the answers you get.