Don't Abandon Yourself

Saturday, August 14, 2010

First I apologize to my followers and random-finders for taking so long between posts this month! If you're still checking back, I want to tell you how much I appreciate that. And of course, I hope you'll continue.

Today I want to talk about something I learned this morning from a wonderful young friend of mine, Kerry. We were talking about relationships and personal choices and other good stuff. She used an expression I'd never heard but instantly loved: Don't abandon yourself.

We often hear recommendations like: Take care of yourself. Listen to your inner voice. I say things like that to myself and others, so I obviously believe in such concepts. But "don't abandon yourself"?

Here are some ways I see this affirmation playing out for me:

• When I'm feeling intimidated by another person, I can remind myself that we are both equally loved, loving and lovable. I can choose whatever I need to to lovingly act on that reminder.
• If I feel like I have less value than another person, I don't have to give in to that fearful belief. I don't need to give up on myself or give in to old thinking.
• Sometimes I feel tempted to copy the way someone else does something, even though it doesn't feel right to me. By not abandoning myself in that situation, I would remember to trust my own ways and feelings first. Then, if the other person's method can provide a useful example, I may choose to follow it or adapt it, but not because he or she is better than I am.

I have a feeling that as time goes along this new saying will deepen for me and show up in useful ways. I hope it does for you, too.

Word Wonder -- stout

Saturday, July 24, 2010

stout
1. Strong or firm of structure or material; sound; tough. 2. Determined; resolute. 3. Fat; bulky; thickset. 4 Substantial; solid. 5. Having muscular strength; robust. 6. Proud; stubborn.

Last night I went for the second time to a local community theatre's production of Iolanthe, one of many works created by the British musical team of Gilbert and Sullivan in the late 1800s. Afterwards I asked my actor friend, Peter, to explain the meaning of a particular gesture one character had made during the performance; I hadn't been able to figure out what it was supposed to mean either time I saw it. He told me the gesture was meant to contribute to that scene's song about a character who had once been stout but was now virtually wasting away because of unrequited love.

This led us into a chat about the multiple meanings of the word "stout," and I, unable to resist word etymology, looked it up this morning. You've read most of its various meanings above. And, so, why am I writing about it in this blog? Because of its third meaning: fat.

In many circles, those who are fat, stout, thickset are considered to be of less value than those who are not. Some would protest that I'm exaggerating, but I really don't think so. If fatness were considered to be preferable, or even acceptable, stout women would adorn the covers of fashion magazines and freelance writers would get rich writing articles entitled "Gain 10 Pounds in Time for Christmas" and "5 Recipes to Ensure the Chunky-Bikini Look." Or how about, "Fat Men I Have Loved"?

I am not talking about the recognized health risks of being much overweight. I'm talking about the social and economic taboos against fat that permeate North American (and other?) thinking. I'm talking about women, men and teens who place tight bodies on mental and emotional pedestals. I'm talking about the preference for thin receptionists and CEOs, especially if they're female.

I am talking about pre-pubescent girls who go on diets so they'll be accepted and boys and men who masturbate while looking at pictures of naked, curvaceous, fat-free women and men. Chubby is unacceptable. And, by extension, the person who is chubby is deemed to be unacceptable.

But as I read the definitions above and mused about the range of meanings for "stout," I imagined a community in a time and place in which many people were poor and, therefore, malnourished and thin. They worked hard and died early of diseases related to poverty. A stout house, one made of substantial materials, was something to be cherished. Stout friends, those who were determined to help in times of trouble, were essential and appreciated. A stout, robust horse or cow was a prized possession.

Imagine now the few wealthy citizens in that community -- well-fed and having better medical care. They tended not to be so thin, and their physical well-being might have been seen to accompany their stubborn, proud, resolute ways. And so, being stout could also have come to mean "fat" as proof of one's wealth and position in society. It is certainly true that in some cultures and times, a man is/was considered to be a "real man" if his wife is/was fat,  proving him to be a good hunter and provider.

So, given that perceptions about body size are influenced by external conditions, I urge you to reevaluate your own ideas about size. Do we need to be brainwashed by magazine covers and movie stars striding along red carpets? We don't if we're willing to reconsider what we've been taught.

Does anyone know a wonderful, loving, intelligent person who is overweight? Of course. Have overweight people ever looked attractive or raised happy, responsible children? Obviously.

The place to start is to look at our own attitudes to stoutness. Do you think fat is ugly? Would you rather go out with a thin person than a heavy person, without getting to know him or her? Do you laugh at "fat jokes?" Have you ever looked in the mirror after a shower and felt disgusted or ugly because of cellulite or a roll in the middle?

These responses are learned. They are not "right" or "wrong." They are the results of conditioning, and they can be changed. You can change your own subtle, "subterranean" feelings about beauty and worth.

My intention with Word Wonders is to encourage us to rethink our assumptions. Be a stout individual -- one who is determined and resolute in your determination to examine deep-lying attitudes. Being physically stout does not have to negatively define anyone, but it will as long as we let it do so.

What do YOU think? #1

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

What do YOU think? is a new occasional column I’m featuring on my blog. We so often see quotes by famous (and maybe not so famous) people, and though I think they’re meant to spark thoughts and feelings in the reader, I’m not sure that’s always what happens. Not with me, anyway.

Here’s what does sometimes happen with me. I read a moving or stimulating quote that sets off some feeling or thought in me, but then I read who uttered those sage words. And then I find it too easy to lose track of my reaction in light of the quoted person’s stature. I might dismiss my own response as being less valuable, or I might just be too lazy to pursue my own thoughts because I immediately accept the quoted person’s viewpoint. After all, s/he’s the expert...

So, I’m going to post quotes related to healing, relationships and personal growth, but I’m going to wait until the next day to give the person credit or mention when the statement was made. I encourage and challenge you to simply take the words at face value. Consider your own opinion, your own experience, your own interpretation. Write or talk about your response. Give yourself credit for your own viewpoint. Check back the next day, if you like, to see whose ideas you’ve been responding to.

What do you think?

#1
“For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day, and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general, but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment."

Word Wonder -- stable

Saturday, March 20, 2010

1. Standing frimly in place; not easily moved, shaken or overthrown; fixed. 2. Marked by fixity of purpose; steadfast. 3. Having durability or permanence; abiding. [From the French and before that the Latin stabilis, which means "to stand"] - Funk & Wagnalls Canadian College Dictionary

Last week a friend asked me to look into the word "stable." The word comes from the ancient Indo-European root sta-, which means "to stand" and has given us a number of related words:

• stable -- firm or permanent
• stable -- a building that houses horses or cattle
• state -- a political area or standing
• steady -- firm
• stay -- remain
• stand -- to be upright
• establish -- to set up

It may be that sta- first  meant the stable for horses and cattle. These animals were extremely valuable assets, so they would have been housed in a strong structure, one that would be able to withstand storms, able to protect the beasts within.

Certainly these same attributes apply to other uses of "stable." Today we speak of a stable economy, a stable relationship, a stable person. In all cases, we refer to someone or something that protects valuable assets and can withstand the winds of change and adversity.  Internal solidity and some flexibility combine to create a stable entity.Things remain on an even keel most of the time. A stable entity can be relied up to do what it was intended to do; it can be trusted. It requires maintenance but is established on a firm foundation.

How does a person become stable, firm, solid? The attitudes and skills that comprise stability can be learned at any time. Though a stable childhood can be a help in this, it is by no means a requirement.  I believe the following are examples of the skills and attitudes that lead to personal stability:

• a sense of one's own value -- not conceit, but an honest appreciation of one's worth
• honesty -- deep, internal honesty, not just the kind that keeps your hands out of the till
• openness -- a willingness to consider new ideas and views, no matter where they come from
• appreciation -- of life, others, and oneself
• humility -- awareness that one's existence and viewpoint are just one of many and that all are valid
• flexibility -- knowing that change is inevitable and is not a personal attack or failing
• serenity -- inner calm, a belief that things will work out, emotional evenness
• focus -- the ability to make decisions and stick with them

No person, even the most stable person, maintains his or her evenness at all times, in all situations. Stability is by its very nature a flexible, adaptable condition; it implies overall evenness, not absolute evenness.

Just as a horse stable is constructed one hammer blow and saw cut at a time, personal stability is built from a myriad small decisions made over time: the decision to accept responsibility for an error; the decision to open one's mind and appreciate another person's contribution or to open one's eyes and appreciate the beauty of rolling hills or the shape of a tree; the decision to fulfill one's commitments. And so on and so on.

Stable. Firm. Steadfast. Like a four-legged stool, a stable person doesn't collapse easily and can do the job for which he or she was made. Anyone who wants to can learn to do that...one decision at a time.

Word Wonder -- rejection

Friday, February 25, 2010

To reject means to:
1. To refuse to accept, recognize, believe, etc. 2. To refuse to grant; deny as a petition. 3. to refuse (a person)  recognition, acceptance, etc. 5. To cast away as rejected. [From the Latin rejectus, which comes from reicere. Reicere is made of two parts: re-, meaning "back" + jacere, meaning "to throw."] - Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary.

Most people have experienced rejection at some point. Perhaps you have. Maybe someone who matters to you has refused to accept you into the family or the workplace. Maybe you've been part of a group but then were rejected, expelled from it.

The hurt of rejection can slice deep, cutting through layers of defenses and hopes. If you have experienced rejection in the past without coming to terms with it, fresh rejections can be especially painful and confusing as they pile up on the old ones. Rejection can feel scary, even threatening at times.

We use many words for rejection; here are some of them:

discard, repudiate, refuse, prohibit, contradict, ostracize, exclude, eject, disbelieve, drop, cut out, let go, dispense with, throw away, cast aside, get rid of, shrug off, dump, dispose of, jettison, jilt, throw to the wolves, write off, abandon, turn down, deprive of, repulse, rebuff, repel, kiss off, slam the door in one's face, snub, have nothing to do with, spurn, turn one's back, deny, shut out, exile, banish, ban, boycott, blackball, bar, ignore, segregate, isolate

Quite a long list of ways we find to exclude one another. They can all hurt, because one basic human need is to belong. Belonging affirms that we exist, that we have value and can contribute. When others cast us aside or don't let us "in" in the first place, our sense of belonging can feel threatened. It's easy to feel hurt and sad and to think, "If they don't want me, what will I do? I must not be as good as they are; maybe I'm not worth anything at all."

However, keep in mind that there is a difference between being rejected and being part of a natural change or situation that does not happen to include you. In the list of words above, I italicized some words because they could signal rejection, or they could simply signal a more neutral change or situation. Although such situations can be hard to take, they're not necessarily a personal attack against you.

Take a look at the comparisons below to get a feel for this difference:

rejection: Your girlfriend yells, "Kiss off, Asshole!" (Her anger and words are a definite rejection.)
neutral situation: You didn't get the funding for which you applied. The letter reads, "We regret to inform you that your application has been denied."  (You simply didn't qualify, or other applicants were more qualified. This is not personal against you, even if it is hard to hear.)
rejection: You've been on the job for six months and seem to get along with your co-workers. Then, without warning, many of them start to snub you in the staff room and don't talk to you unless they have to for work. (Whether or not you understand why, this sort of treatment seems to send the message: We don't want/like/value you.)
neutral situation: A member of your team who often seems to be "on your side" now contradicts your opinion during a discussion. (As uncomfortable as this can be, it's just another person's opinion. Having different opinions does not mean that anyone has less value than anyone else.)

 The key to dealing with all such situations -- clear rejections and neutral situations -- is to find ways to see and accept your own value no matter what others feel, think, say or do. What can you do when you feel rejected? Feel, think and act your way to new understanding:

• Acknowledge your feelings. It's human and okay to have emotional reactions to tough circumstances. Name your feelings; do you feel sad, hurt, angry, disappointed, afraid, lonely, resentful, useless? Let the tears flow. Take a few deep breaths. Go for a walk. Write in your journal. Talk it out.
• Think through the situation as clearly as you can. Ask yourself what led up to the rejection or change. Look at your own part in it; are you part of the problem? Do you need to apologize for anything? What can you learn and do differently next time? Keep in mind that circumstances might change in time. You might decide that you're happy with your actions. If so, remind yourself that others won't always agree with you and that that's just fine.
• Act on what you've learned and what you know. Learn to remind yourself of your value, no matter what others think. Ask someone you trust to help you see your less-wonderful traits. Change your behaviours that cause relationship problems. If it's appropriate, talk the situation over with those who are involved.

Change and rejection happen to everybody, but no matter which you experience, it's in your power to turn things around. Feel your feelings, think it through, and act on your own good intentions. You cannot change anyone else, and you might not be able to change the situation, but you can definitely change how you deal with it.

Excuses, Excuses...?

Thursday, January 21, 2010

For some reason, I haven't been able to get anything written on this blog for the past week and a bit. Couldn't think of a topic, focused on other projects, whatever. I'm not sure. Sometimes I find it's hard to tell the difference between an excuse and a reason.

Was it reasonable to work on other writing projects so much that my committment to regularly write on my blog lapsed? Hard to say, since my committment to those other projects is strong, too. That might -- might -- count as a reason. Maybe the extra time daily tasks have taken as a result of living on crutches for the week constitutes a reason. However, because of the knee and the crutches, I've also spent a lot of time sitting...so maybe I could have gotten to the blog after all? Such a quandry. It's certain that playing those second and third games of solitaire (nearly every day) is an excuse. Okay, that was too easy.

In mulling this over, I've not only come up with a topic for today, I've also seen yet another way our upbringing, gender, culture, age and other factors affect us. Reasons and excuses are both closely tied up in what we have been taught about work and leisure, success and failure, a person's value. As life goes on, we add to those teachings or change them, but it can sometimes be hard to shake loose old ideas that don't actually work for us anymore.

So, for me? I'm deciding today to be grateful for the positive examples of encouragement, honest effort, and satisfying results with which I was raised and to add a dose of forgiveness. Then I'll try not to let this happen again, but if it does, I guess I'll have to consider writing about time management.

It's So Hard to Love a Needy Person

A needy adult is one who frequently and regularly wants more than you have to offer. They feel inadequate or lonely and they expect you or others to fix their problems and to "make them" feel needed, wanted and loved -- in short, feel better than they do on their own. (My comments here do not refer to children, teenagers, the elderly, or sick people -- though at times these folks can ask for more than you have to give.)

Certainly, there's nothing wrong with feeling loved and appreciated or with demonstrating affection. It can feel deeply satisfying to know you've helped someone who's having a hard time or to work side by side with a loved one.

However, some people's requests and demands don't seem to stop, no matter how much you do. If this is the case for you, and you're feeling drained and frustrated, be reassured you can definitely do something to feel better. Try these suggestions:

• Recognize that both you and your TLO (troubled, troubling or troublesome loved one) have all the strength, value, and skills needed to live contentedly. Tell yourself, "We're both adults, and we both have all we need to do what is good in our lives."
• Know that you cannot change the other person -- but you can change how you interact with him or her.
• Consider what you've done so far to help this person. Pay attention to what happens when you do those things. Does the situation change? How, and for how long? Do some things you do work better than others? Does your TLO get better at solving her own problems?
• Notice how you feel before, during and after your TLO asks for or demands your help.
• Then, choose one situation that drains you and decide to change one of your responses to it.
• Evaluate your new approach by writing it out or discussing it with somebody you trust.
• Practice this new response until it feels comfortable and works at least most of the time. Or change your response until you find something that does help you feel less responsible for your TLO's situation.
• Realize that these suggestions can help with many difficult interactions and that some changes will come quickly, while others will take longer. Be patient; we're all works in progress.

Remember that even if a needy person's demands never seem to end, you do not have to fulfill them. Helping is one thing; fixing everything is quite another. Give yourself permission to say "no" when you choose to, and you'll find more energy for moving forward and showing genuine love to others.