4 Helping Books

Friday, December 10, 2010

Here's a list of books you might find helpful for either holiday-giving or holiday-surviving:

It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted

(New Harbinger Publications. 2007)

This is an interactive book I wrote with my brother, Bill Klatte. Many have found it useful for understanding and improving troublesome relationships. Available from Chapters, Indigo, Barnes & Noble, Schwartz Books, and Amazon, as well as many independent booksellers. Also available in Spanish and Polish.

Why Good People do Bad Things -- Understanding Our Darker Selves, by James Hollis, PhD.

(Gotham Books. 2007)

I've only started this one in the last week, but two good friends vouch for its deep, helpful concepts and its ability to help us work "toward the possibility of greater wholeness." (The quote from the back cover.) They both swear by everything Dr. Hollis writes. This is my first by him. It's very good so far.

I'm having trouble downloading the photos of the next two book covers, so I'll just list them here:

• Little Ways to Keep Calm and Carry On (New Harbinger Publications. 2010) by Mark Reinecke. Available from Amazon and other stores. I haven't read this book, but I love the title because I think that many problems and many solutions come in "little ways." I also highly respect New Harbinger Publications.
• Women Food and God (Scribner. 2010) by Geneen Roth. This book is sitting on my "hope to read soon" pile. It was placed there by my friend, Beth, who says it's wonderful.

Well, those are the books I want to offer up for the moment. I hope you find something useful in one or more of them.  

Helping Books

Saturday, September 2, 2010

New Harbinger Publications is a publishing house in California. I value them not only because they published my first book (It's So Hard to Love You) but because they offer so many helpful resources.

Here's a list of a few of their new books from the past few months. Click on a title to go directly to its page on New Harbinger's website.

• Fearless Job Hunting
• The Whole-Food Guide to Overcoming Irritable Bowel Syndrome
• The Buddha and the Borderline
• Stronger Day by Day 

May you find something here to help you or someone you know.

It'll Come Out Okay

Monday, August 2, 2010

This weekend has been a busy and fun one because our house was filled with visiting family members -- lots of laughs, conversations, walks and outings. During one of those conversations with my brother-in-law, we moved into the territory of family relationships and other close ties, as he and I like to do. We discussed ways in which tensions can build and explode as well as some less hurtful ways of dealing with those tensions.

Having published a book about difficult close relationships, I sometimes unconsciously (and often consciously) expect myself to respond in the best possible ways at all times and in all situations. As if I know what's best. As if anyone could do that, even if they did know what's best.

So talking with my brother-in-law did, as it usually does, enlighten and lighten me. Here's how he did it this time.

We were talking about a troublesome situation with some people we know, a situation that's been going up and down for quite a while. What happens sometimes affects the two of us directly and sometimes doesn't, but it's generally difficult to witness. At one point he said to me, "It'll come out okay." My immediate internal reaction was, Don't think so.

After a while he talked some more about his optimistic opinion and, fortunately, I was able to hear him with a more open heart and mind this time. It felt like a little tiny door opened up inside me, and I was able to let go of the pessimism that had crept into my thinking. I felt better, and though I have no idea if he's right or not -- it might or might not come out okay -- something of value happened there.

I was reminded that even though I am generally a positive, hopeful, helpful person, I make negative judgements against others. I sometimes assume I know how things should turn out and what people should do or stop doing. Finally recognizing that I don't know all the factors or what's in other people's hearts and minds, I became more able to let go of the outcome.

Stuff like this is great (even though I don't like it when it's happening), because it gives me opportunities to walk my talk, which strengthens my own emotional and attitudinal "muscles." My talk often revolves around people's struggles with relationships and with ourselves. I advocate open-mindedness and open-heartedness and letting go of what we can't control. I co-wrote a book called It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted, so if what I write and talk about means anything, I'd better be willing to apply it in my own life.

My brother-in-law's gentle words helped me to do that this morning. I was reminded that it will, in fact, come out okay...even if I don't like or control the outcome. I hope it means greater happiness for unhappy people and clearer thinking in muddy situations, but that's not mine to decide. I can choose, and I do, to enjoy my renewed freedom from resentment and a desire to control others. That enjoyment, in turn, frees me to enjoy my day, mentally get off somebody else's case, and do the best I can for now.

Now, that's walking my talk. Thanks, Bro.

Helpful Resources

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I will periodically tell you about valuable resources for relationships, personal growth, and healing. One such resource is New Harbinger Publications, the house that published the book I co-wrote with one of my brothers, Bill Klatte. Our book is entitled It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted and offers help to anyone dealing with troubled, troubling, or troublesome loved ones.

New Harbinger was a perfect fit for us because they specialize in books that offer help with communication, personal growth, healing, physical and mental wellness, relationships, and so on.

Their solid publishing reputation is demonstrated in this tiny sampling of their titles:

• Relationship Saboteurs -- Overcoming the Ten Behaviors that Undermine Love, by Randi Gunther Ph.D.
• Fearless Job Hunting -- Powerful Psychological Strategies for Getting the Job You Want, by Bill J. Knaus Ed.D., Sam Klarreich Ph.D., Russell Grieger Ph.D., Nancy Knaus Ph.D.
• 10 Simple Solutions to Panic, by Randi E. McCabe Ph.D., Martin M. Antony Ph.D.
• Visualize Confidence, by Kirwan Rockefeller Ph.D.
• ACT with Love, by Russ Harris MD
• Messages, by Matthew McKay Ph.D., Martha Davis Ph.D., Patrick Fanning
• A Woman's Addiction Workbook, by Lisa Najavits
• Caring for Your Grieving Child, Martha Wakenshaw
• The Anger Workbook for Teens, by Raychelle Cassada Lohmann MS, LPC 

I encourage you to check out New Harbinger's extensive catalogue. You may very well find something helpful for yourself or someone else.

Interview re: "It's So Hard to Love You"

Monday, March 15, 2010

I just re-encountered an interview my brother, Bill Klatte, gave on a website called Lasting Love and Marriage in July 2008. I'm linking to it partly because I like my brother and I'm proud of the work he does. I am also proud of the book we wrote (It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted) because we've gotten a great deal of feedback saying how helpful it is for people dealing with difficult relationships.

Please check out the 22-minute interview (click here and then click on the MP3 link a little above Bill's photograph) and/or the Lasting Love and Marriage website, which offers much information about relationships and personal growth.

Loving You is Killing Me

Friday, February 5, 2010

It took quite a while, but I finally figured out how to make available two articles I wrote for Going Bonkers? magazine, which bills itself as "The self-help magazine with a sense of humor." Published in Katy, Texas, Going Bonkers is full of practical information, support, and suggestions for dealing with all sorts of situations and problems.

In my article called "Loving You is Killing Me! -- Tips and Tools for Those Who Love a Crazy-maker" I offer suggestions for dealing with troubled, troubling, and troublesome loved ones -- TLOs for short. The ideas in the article are similar to those in the book I wrote with my brother, Bill Klatte: It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted (New Harbinger Publications).

I hope you'll find the article helpful, and I encourage you to check out Going Bonkers? magazine for more helpful articles, Bonkerisms, and Bonkeroids.

I'll post the second article tomorrow. Happy reading.

Loving Problematic People...in Spanish

In June 2009, publisher Jordi Nadal, owner of Plataforma Editorial in Barcelona, Spain, published the Spanish edition of the book I wrote with my brother, psychotherapist Bill Klatte -- It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted (New Harbinger. 2007.) -- a book for people dealing with difficult personal relationships.

The Spanish edition, Que Dificil es Quererte, is discussed in an article by Clara Bassi for Consumer Eroski, a general interest online magazine from Spain. Based on an email interview between Clara Bassi and me, the article is entitled "Como convivir con un ser querido problematico." 

Clara Bassi's article can also be found at http://bahianoticias.com/como-convivir-con-un-ser-querido-problematico/15375/#more-15375 , a website called Bahia Noticias, originating in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Follow the links above to buy the book, read the article, and explore the online magazines.

Dealing With Difficult Relationships -- in six languages

When my brother, psychotherapist Bill Klatte, and I published our book It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted (New Harbinger 2007) a couple of years ago, it was a most exciting accomplishment. Our purpose in writing this book was to help people learn to deal more effectively with difficult relationships. It has been gratifying to see the book being accepted by over ten thousand English readers.

Over the past several months, It's So Hard to Love You has also been published in Polish and Spanish. The Polish title is Jak kochac klopotliwych bliskich? and is published by sensus. Que Dificil es Quererte was published in June 2009 by Plataforma Editorial in Barcelona, Spain.

Speakers of French, Arabic, and Finnish will also be able to read It's So Hard to Love You in their own languages in the coming months. Keep an eye out for these other three editions.

It's So Hard to Love a Manipulative Person

Do you have a loved one who tries to manipulate you? Maybe you're not sure if her actions are legitimate or not. Maybe you feel like you're to blame for the lack of harmony between you. Or maybe you feel like you're going crazy almost every time you try to talk to this person.
Well, before you can learn to deal with a manipulative person, it can help if you're clear about what manipulation looks like. Here are five common tactics of this sort of crazy-maker:

• seems to stubbornly refuse to understand you when you explain something
• arranges situations to make you look foolish
• says one thing but does another
• tries to "make you" feel responsible, inadequate or guilty
• brings up problems or requests in front of other people, making it hard for you to be honest or to refuse

If any of this sounds familiar, you may be dealing with a manipulative person. So what can you do? You can begin to take control of your part of this relationship without giving up, giving in, or belittling your loved one in return. By adjusting your thoughts and actions, you can improve how you feel about your crazy-making manipulator and deal more effectively with his behaviour.

You have many choices in how you think about and act toward this person. Consider the following responses to the five examples of manipulation listed above:
When she seems to stubbornly refuse to understand what you're saying:

• Your thoughts --> Remember that though you've spoken as clearly as you can, you cannot force anyone else to understand you, whether they're genuinely trying to comprehend or not.
• Your actions --> Say your piece only once. More than that might just be helping her frustrate and manipulate you.

When he arranges a situation to make you look foolish:

• Your thoughts --> However embarrassing this is, know that his (or anyone's) opinion of you is far less important than your opinion of yourself.
• Your actions --> You can remain silent or state calmly that his version is not the whole story. Then you can leave the situation or stay, depending on your preference.

When she says one thing but does something else:

• Your thoughts --> You might need to learn not to count on what she says, even if she seems sincere. You don't have to let her sincerity or deceitfulness rule your choices.
• Your actions --> Don't base your plans on her plans. Make your own plans, which can include your loved one if you choose.

When he tries to "make you" feel responsible, inadequate or guilty:

• Your thoughts --> Remember that no matter how much you love this person, and no matter what he says, you are in charge of your own choices and feelings.
• Your actions --> You can say something like, "That seems to be how you see it, but I see it differently." Then do or don't do whatever seems best to you in that situation.

When she makes requests or statements in front of other people that feel embarrassing or difficult to respond to:

• Your thoughts --> Keep in mind that manipulative people want to feel superior and on top of things, but that you do not need to accept their actions or let them determine what you say or do.
• Your actions --> You might stay silent, or you might calmly say something like, "This isn't a good time for us to talk about this, but I'm willing to talk about it later."

These few suggestions can give you some ideas for taking a new direction. You do not have to allow anyone else to manipulate your feelings, thoughts or actions. Why they do this is less important than how you respond, so put your valuable energy into creating new responses, and you'll find new energy to live your life -- no matter how your loved one chooses to live his or hers.