Never Too Late

Monday, January 17, 2011

For the past several months I've been teaching a number of college and community courses for adults -- primarily lifeskills, computers, and English. Over the years, my students have ranged in age from 16 to 70+. Every time I teach another course, I'm encouraged, awed, and renewed by those who risk moving forward.

It often takes courage to go back to school after being away. People wonder if they can do it. They wonder if they'll be laughed at for being "too old" for school. Some they don't really know what they'll be dealing with or exactly how it might help them, while others have a definite plan. As with many things, people's confidence covers a spectrum from near-terror to absolute certainty.

Many, many of my students over the years have met the challenges of returning to school as an adult and have then continued to meet more. They've learned that they're smarter than they thought and that asking for help is smart, too. Some have made friends, found entirely new directions to pursue, felt proud to provide an example for their children and grandchildren. Just as importantly, some have learned that school is not the best choice for them, not at that moment, anyway.

I take my hat off to anyone who decides to learn something new, in any setting, for any reason, at any time. Keep up the good work (and play).

Change, Change, Change

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

For many years, I've heard advice telling me to be proud of myself and my accomplishments, to toot my own horn. Up until a couple of years ago, that was very hard for me to do, because even when I felt proud about something I'd done (and feeling healthy pride took me years), the toot-my-horn advice I've heard as an adult would crash into the don't-brag advice I'd heard as a child. Noisy mess, that.

But three years ago my first book was published with a mainstream publisher, and I had to learn to promote it. And, therefore, to promote myself. That was very hard because I felt so shy about the project and the accomplishment of our goals. I wrote the book with one of my brothers, who'd already published a book, so I don't think he had the same qualms about his second one.

Despite my shyness, though, I had to learn to mention it to people, because it was a helping book, and I wanted it to help people. So I learned, first, to respond when others asked about it. I learned to call libraries and set up talks I would give on the book's topic -- dealing with difficult relationships. My natural friendliness and enjoyment of public speaking helped me move to the next level of mentioning the book when people would ask what I'd been doing lately. I got used to hearing myself talk about the writing and publishing process and about my gratitude for the book's success.

It didn't take long for me to recognize that some big changes were taking place. I now talk comfortably (and gratefully) about this accomplishment and about the book that followed it and the one that's in the works now. I learned to feel comfortable with using gifts I'd been given and with receiving attention because of them. I still do internal doubletakes at what's going on, but I enjoy what I'm doing, and I love being able to write stuff that helps somebody in any way -- by encouragement, with a laugh, a good cry, whatever. It turns my crank.

So for me the moral of the story is to continue to be open to change, whether it takes place in myself or in the world around me. If I choose to, I can continue evolving, and -- good news -- I can enjoy it. Change can make me bitter, resentful and stuck in the past, or it can help me be more interesting, useful and conscious. I definitely prefer the latter. What do you choose?

April Showers & Other Good Things

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

It’s a little hard to believe April is here already, let alone nearly a week gone. It’s also a little hard to believe – and somewhat disappointing – that I couldn’t find any April celebrations sillier than April Fool’s Day. Guess that one has to carry the month. I hope you played a good joke on somebody.

Anyway, I've been unexpectedly without computer access for several days, so I’m running a bit late with my monthly list of observations. But here they are, listed with any websites I could find, in case you’d like more information.

• Sexual Abuse Awareness Month -- This link lists a Google search for this observation.

• Alcohol Awareness Month (http://www.ncadd.org)/ -- an American site

• Counseling Awareness Month (http://www.counseling.org/) -- the American Counseling Association

• Eating Disorders Awareness (http://www.anad.org/) -- website for the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Eating Disorders

• Conflict Awareness Month

• Informed Woman Month

• National Child Abuse Prevention Month

• Couple Appreciation Month

• Reconciliation Day - April 2

• National Siblings Day - http://www.siblings-day.com/ -- a Google search page listing many links

So, I hope you have a great April. Whether you follow any of these leads to relationship and personal information, I urge you to listen to yourself and others. Open up to change and to feeling better. Learn and do what you can to become a happier, healthier, more centred you.

April Fool's Day

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Flash back to April Fool's Days in the '60s. My brothers and I would get up early and play tricks on our dad -- sugar in the salt shaker, salt in the sugar bowl. We thought we were so clever! Then we'd short sheet somebody's bed or "string" somebody's room. Stringing involved a very large ball of string which we would tie to any available space...starting at the back corner of the bedroom. Then we'd wind the string around curtain rods and drawer handles, working our way backwards towards the door. There was a LOT of criss-crossing of string until we had a giant spider's web that ended on the doorknob. The better we were, the more tightly tied everything was, and the harder it was for the victim to get into his or her room. Great fun!

What's neat about these memories is that they exist.

Even in the messes of our often messy family life, we did have good times. It's important for me to remember that. Learning (and being willing) to do so helped me when I started to deal with the bad times.

I encourage you to look for the good times in your past and your present. Be real and honest about the messes, but don't focus on them so much that you're blind to the blessings.

And Happy April 1. Play a friendly joke on somebody. Smile when somebody plays one on you. I believe it all evens out in the end.

Your Inner Voice -- a journalling exercise

Friday, March 26, 2010

I call this journalling exercise "Listening to your Inner Voice." That voice is sometimes called intuition or a gut feeling or gut instinct. Many, many of us have been taught to ignore that voice by being taught not to trust our own take on things, our own feelings and thoughts. "That's stupid; you can't do that." "Stop crying; there's nothing to be scared of." "Don't be silly; he's a nice man." "What a ridiculous idea."

We're taught to keep busy, not cry, ignore our own needs to help others, hide when we feel bad. We get sent to our rooms, hit, told to keep destructive secrets and silenced by others' silence. Many people aren't taught how to recognize and name feelings or how to listen to inner discomforts in uncomfortable situations. In many families, any response more subtle than a slap or screaming or crying is lost.

So although helping others and managing our emotions and keeping busy can all be positive actions, they can also get in the way of self-knowledge which, in turn, gets in the way of understanding others. When we don't understand ourselves and others, true compassion is difficult. We may be able to act like a nice person without actually feeling anything at all.

This journalling exercise can help you listen to your own inner voice, your gut. It can be a helpful tool for getting familiar with your true self. So grab a pen and notebook, or a computer, and get comfortable for a while. This exercise can be done in one sitting or in several shorter bouts. Remember that with journal writing, there is no wrong way to do it. Spelling, punctuation, handwriting and organization don't matter. Listening to yourself does.

Listening to your Inner Voice

Write about a time when you did or did not listen to a gut feeling about something or someone. Maybe you didn't make that phone call you thought of making, or you wrote to somebody and found out later how much it helped him. Maybe you heeded the tug prompting you to apply for a job, and as a result you met someone who became important to you, or you got the job.

Describe what was going on at the time:

• What did the inner prompting, voice, urge feel and sound like inside you?
• What did it suggest?
• If you paid attention to it, did you act on the suggestion right away or later?
• If you didn't heed it, how did you answer it -- by telling yourself it was dumb or pointless, by getting busy and forgetting about it, by consciously deciding not to listen?
• What happened after you did or did not listen to that urge?
• How did (and do) you feel about the outcome? Regret? Relief? Satisfaction? Irritation? etc......

Given that outcome, what might you do differently another time? Keep in mind that regrets can be useful if we decide to do something differently in the next situation. There's no need to hang on to regrets (in fact, doing so can be harmful), but by all means notice them and make a decision about what you'll do differently. Be grateful for the lesson and move on.

If you're happy with the outcome, dwell on the feelings and results. Decide to listen to yourself again another time. Be grateful for the lesson and move on.

In another recent blog post I wrote about intuition (click here to read it) and about the book Developing Intuition by Shakti Gawain. The post describes one fantastic way in which intuition, my inner voice, was on the right track. I find that the more I listen to my inside self, the more smoothly my life goes and the more serenity I experience. When I don't listen, things get choppy. It's a simple formula, yet I can complicate things and get in my own way, too!

In any case, know that learning to listen to one's intuition is a skill that can be learned (relearned, actually). I encourage you to listen to your inner voice. Learn to trust yourself; you're a great ally!

Flower Power

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

This is not a post about hippie Flower Power (though I did mention having been a hippie in a recent blog post).

No, today I'm writing about the wonderful power of flowers to cheer us up, wake us up and just generally help us feel better.

On a website called aboutflowers, I found a number of scientific surveys that show how beneficial cut flowers are when displayed in our homes and workplaces. Few people need to be told by scientists that fresh flowers look beautiful and cheerful, whether we've received them as a gift or have cut them ourselves from roadside fields or our own gardens.

However, this research shows that flowers don't offer only pleasing colours and scents. Cut flowers have also been shown to affect our emotional and mental selves. They can:

• decrease anxiety and depression
• help non-morning people wake up more happily and fully
• improve social interactions
• increase a general sense of well-being and satisfaction
• enhance intimate relationships
• foster creativity
• increase productivity
• improve learning
• decrease stress

So do yourself or somebody else a favour. Roam through a field or flowershop. Plant a windowbox. Buy a flowering plant for the kitchen table.

What a simple way for everyone to win.

4 Sites for Women (& Men)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I've been all over the map today, trying to focus in on what I'd write about in this post. Nothing seemed to be gelling, but I often find when I'm stuck in some way that doing anything is often better than doing nothing. And now I've ended up liking this post just fine. I hope you do, too.

Here are four websites and blogs by women I know or have happened upon in my webly travels:

Juicy Tomatoes - Ripe living after 51, with Susan Swartz. On February 25, Susan wrote a blog post called "Women's History...Once More with Feeling." Her opening paragraphs read:

Why do we have to keep dredging up women’s history? Why do we need all of March to talk about it? I mean, that was then, this is now. Can’t we just move on? After all, we’ve got Hillary. We’ve got Nancy. We win Olympic medals. Women make history all the time.

Yes, but we still have a couple of thousand years of male-dominated history to balance.

Learning and Violence - "The site is one step towards a long held dream of a virtual international institute for research and innovative practice to understand and address the impact of violence on learning. The vision was germinated by Jenny Horsman with the help of Elizabeth Morrish and Judy Hofer and incubated in discussions with educators and researchers from many different countries."

Native Women's Association of Canada - a message from President Jeannette Corbiere Lavell:

"...I am proud of our association’s distinguished, three decade long history of dedication to restoring the positive social, economic, cultural and political well-being of Aboriginal women in Canada.


Over the years many strong women have dedicated their valuable time to achieve our association’s vision of advocating, educating, and promoting gender equality for our current and future generations. Our work is more important than ever, and as we continue to participate in high profile government and community initiatives we aim to keep you up to date by providing this information on our website. I encourage women of all ages to stay informed by visiting our website on a regular basis."

Center for Women's Global Leadership - "The Center for Women's Global Leadership (CWGL) develops and facilitates women's leadership for women's human rights and social justice worldwide."

Head + Heart + Hands + Feet = Action

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thousands of studies have shown that childhood abuse in its many forms – sexual, other physical, verbal, emotional, spiritual – often, often contributes to, develops and/or erupts into these results:

• children and teenagers running away
• suicide ideation, attempts and success
• self-harm through cutting and addictions, for example
• harming others
• being abused and assaulted in adulthood
• difficulty learning
• poverty
• physical illness
• incarceration
• repeated unsuccessful or harmful relationships
• risk-taking behaviour
• promiscuity

All this research is useful head work, but when society -- that's you and me -- denies and ignores the truth of these conclusions, more babies get raped, more girls and boys are tormented, more teens cut and burn and drug themselves, more people get beaten, more people commit suicide and commit crimes.

The abuse of children, teens and adults is wrong. Period. You and I can do something. Period. I encourage you to join your head to your heart, hands and feet.

Learn about abuse. Feel something. Do something.

• Read a book, such as:
• The Courage to Heal 4e: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse 20th Anniversary Edition by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. Harper Paperbacks. 2008. 
• It Happened to Me: A Teen's Guide to Overcoming Sexual Abuse (workbook for male and female young adults) by William Lee Carter. New Harbinger Publications. 2002.
• Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse by Mike Lew. Harper Paperbacks. 2004.
• Check these websites:
• The Shelternet website "was created to provide reliable and up-to-date information for abused women, their family, friends, and colleagues in Canada."
• The American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress
• Child Abuse: Statistics, Research and Resources, a British website.
• Pandora's Project, "Support and resources for survivors of rape and sexual abuse."
• Volunteer at a:
• women's shelter
• adult literacy program
• youth detention centre
• prison
• community recreation program
• Listen to your friend, neighbour, co-worker or relative when he or she tells you about abuse. Learn how to help.
• Read the posts about abuse that I've posted in this blog to date, or search the terms "abuse" and "sexual abuse" for other information.
• Organize or attend observances such as Canada's National Day Of Remembrance And Action On Violence Against Women and worldwide Take Back the Night events.

You can, truly, do something to help. Learn in your head, feel in your heart, move your hands and feet; it's not really so hard, and the benefits are immeasurable but real.

The Day After

Yesterday was December 6.

Here in Canada, December 6 is the National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women. This day was established in 1991 by the Parliament of Canada to mark the anniversary of the 1989 murders of 14 women at l'École Polytechnique de Montréal. Only women were killed that day, because the killer consciously targetted women.

Since December 6, 1991, women, men and children have gathered in school gyms and community halls and churches across Canada to focus on the grim realities of women and children who live -- and die -- in violence. In my area, we gathered yesterday to listen to the daughter of a local woman who was murdered by her partner and to Jeannette Corbiere Lavell, the president of the Native Women's Association of Canada. We lit candles for the fourteen women murdered in Montreal twenty years ago and for every woman in our area who has died violently. None of this was done to stir or condone hatred of men but, rather, to acknowledge the lives of these women and to remind everyone present that violence against women and children continues.

Hatred is not a solution. For me, it is not an option. It is my hope that every person who attends these gatherings or reads this post or loves another person will transform his or her thoughts, feelings and words into action.

This short list of links is a starting point for those of you who would like more information. Please do something -- today, the day after December 6 -- to become more aware, to change your words and ideas, to act. Every single human being is worth it.

The Montreal Massacre -- coverage in the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) archives
Violence Against Women -- an international journal
YWCA December 6 Fund -- offers interest-free loans to women leaving violent homes
Men for Change -- a pro-feminist organization dedicated to promoting gender equality and ending sexism and violence
Learning and Violence -- a website that explores and explains the impact of violence on learning

Word Wonder -- stupid

6. a general term of disparagement

[From the Latin stupidus, which means "struck dumb" which, in turn, comes from stupere, which means "to be stunned"] - Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary

"Stupid" is such a loaded word! Yet you can see from its history that its meaning has changed over time. At first it meant "to be stunned." When we're stunned by an event or have received shocking news, we are easily stunned into silence -- struck dumb -- not stupid, just speechless.

Human beings can be nasty, and somehow, somewhere, that word stupere began to be used as an insult. Unfortunately, insults stick really well. So now, the word "stupid" is thrown around for all sorts of reasons and as a result of many actions and inactions. "He's so stupid." "How could you be so stupid?!"

This hurtful word is intended to make someone feel inferior. Many people learn the incorrect lesson that they are inferior to others, so they learn to accept -- and dish out -- the label "stupid".

But you can rethink your use of this word. You can distance yourself from its negative definitions by considering the following:

* Taking your time to speak is not stupid.

* Being different is not stupid.

* Lack of knowledge does not equal stupidity. Do you know anyone who knows everything? I don't know how to repair a car, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid; I just don't know how to repair a car.

* Making a mistake is not stupid. Every single human being makes mistakes, and some of them are very useful. Microwaves were accidentally found to melt the chocolate in a scientist's pocket. Silly putty was found by mistake when scientists were seeking a substitute for rubber. Somebody clumsily fell through an old floor and found King Tut's tomb. A woman who thought chunks of chocolate would melt and make the cookies chocolate made a really delicious mistake when she found out the chunks didn't melt completely.

Even if your mistakes don't lead to major discoveries for humankind, they still do not make you stupid. Ask yourself, "Would it help if I change what I'm doing so this doesn't happen again? What can I learn from this? "

You are not stupid. Period. You don't have to accept this label, and you don't have to fling it at anyone else.

Links to relationship & personal growth sites

Learning and Violence - extensive website on the effects of violence on people's ability to learn

Manitoulin Family Resources - a community service provider for women, children, and families on Manitoulin Island and the northeast shore of Lake Huron (Espanola and surrounding area): children's services, women's shelter, 24-hour crisis line, court support services, counselling, outreach

New Harbinger Publications - psychology and self-help books since 1973

Ningwakwe Learning Press - First Nations, Métis and Inuit literacy and education resources

Ontario Women's Directorate - provides focus for government action on issues of concern to women