It is What it Is

Maybe it's my age, but I seem to be hearing this expression more and more: "It is what it is." This little gem generally follows a small or medium inconvenience or problem, such as a somewhat painful medical test, a disappointment at work, or a hurtful comment by a friend or relative.

The expression itself is almost too ridiculously obvious to utter, and yet I (and others) seem to find some comfort or strengthening in the words. I think its power lies in the expression of the obvious, because it counteracts our (or at least my) innate desire to have the bad thing go away, like the little child I sometimes feel like. That little kid stomps her feet and makes little fists and gets mad and weepy at the "bad thing" that's happening.

But It is what it is seems to help the adult take over. It's easier to get real and get on with it. Okay, fine. I don't like it, but oh, well, it's here. Deal with it.

Then I'm okay again. Most interesting. I can more calmly look at my options and make a choice about what to do or what to feel or focus on instead of my hurt feelings or discomfort. Much better. It's amazing to me how very simple it can be to change my mind about my feelings and my actions. It certainly doesn't work all the time, but that is what it is too, eh?

Change -- a journalling exercise

Monday, January 24, 2011

Some people say that change is one of the few things we can count on. In any case, change affects us all in different ways at different times and in different circumstances. Sometimes we like change, such as when an unpleasant person becomes more pleasant. Sometimes we don't like change, such as when we have to move away from a beloved home. And no matter how we feel about it, we change often in the course of growing up and getting older.

Set aside some time to consider how you have changed in the last five, ten, or twenty years...and what affect those changes have had. Think about the changes you consider to be "good," as well as the ones you think of as "bad" or "negative."

First, write down all the big and small changes you can think of. Decide how many of them you want to look at closely. One? Three? All of them?

Then, for each change you decide to examine, answer the questions below, taking time to muse and remember:

1. Was the change fairly easy to deal with, or was it hard?
2. Did you react to this change differently than ususal?
3. If you resisted the change, what did you think and do in your resistance -- refuse to discuss it, get really busy, take out your feelings on others? How did you feel -- afraid, satisfied, angry, resentful, excited, willing, sad, ashamed, etc.?
4. If you accepted or enjoyed the change, what did you feel, think, and do to help the change occur?
5. How did the change affect other people? How did you feel about those affects at the time?
6. At this moment, how do you see the change and its results? What do you think and feel about it? Do you feel differently now than you did when the change occurred?

Self-evaluation like this fosters growth and healing. It provides opportunities to understand the nature of change and to embrace, or at least accept it, as a natural part of life. Through self-examination we find wisdom and forgiveness. Our fears can diminish because we learn to see change as a normal process.

You might have uncovered old feelings of guilt or shame while doing this exercise. This isn't unusual, and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means you're human. We're very good at burying unpleasant feelings, often because we don't know what to do with them at the time we feel them. This journalling exercise gives you a chance to re-examine your difficult feelings; the gift of time might have given you new perspectives or emotional skills. Use these to help yourself understand and deal with old pain. You might find help in earlier posts I've written. To read more about dealing with guilt, click here. To read more about dealing with shame, click here.

If you have trouble coming to terms with past changes, feelings, or actions, I encourage you (as always) to talk with a trusted friend or counsellor. Sometimes another person's perspective can be very helpful.

Theo Fleury on Sexual Abuse

Saturday, October 24, 2010

The other night I went to hear Theoren Fleury speak about his life. Theo played hockey in the National Hockey League (NHL) for a number of years, and he did speak briefly about that part of his life.

However, Theo spoke primarily about the devastating affect sexual abuse had on his life and the healing work he's done in recent years. Roaming calmly back and forth across the stage, Theo talked with confidence and, at times, intensity about his experiences of abuse, addiction, healing, and recovery.

From what I've read in his book and what I heard the other night, I would guess that for Theo, being sexually abused by his hockey coach was probably one of the worst betrayals he could have experienced. Theo had been passionate, determined, and intently focused on hockey as a boy. He spoke of how hockey filled his mind and life when he was young. So, to begin finding recognition and success in his beloved sport, and then to be sexually abused by his coach, must have sent that young boy reeling into confusion, terror, and despair.

These are common reactions to childhood sexual abuse, and Theo conveyed the impact of his experiences with power, honesty, and serenity -- evidence of the great amount of work he has done to help himself and to reach out to others.

I admire and commend Theo for speaking so openly and publicly about his struggles and his glories along the healing road. I appreciated the straightforward, real way in which he talked with the audience. His air of gratitude and comfort in his own skin felt real and natural. We could all have been sitting around his kitchen table having a cup of coffee together.

If you'd like to know more about Theo's powerful advocacy regarding sexual abuse, click here to check out his website, http://www.theofleury14.com/. Read about his energetic work on behalf of other children who have been and are being sexually abused. On Theo's website you'll find links to several organizations, two of which I list here:

• The Men's Project: "... a non-profit charitable men's counselling agency that has been providing services to men and their families since 1997. The Men's Project provides individual and couple counselling, as well as a specialized healing program for men who have experienced sexual or physical abuse as children, anger management, emotional intelligence, and fathering."
• 1 in 6: "...To help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives. This includes providing resources for people who care about them."

If you were sexually abused as a child, perhaps reading Theo's book or checking out his website will help you. And I want to tell you:

It was not your fault. Period.

You don't have to carry your feelings & memories alone; help is available.

Unfortunately, many children get abused sexually, but healing is truly, absolutely possible.

Theo Fleury and I are two examples of that truth.

Please, ask someone for help. Read some books. Click here to read my other blog posts about sexual abuse. 

Life can be better.

 One of them  
I read Theo's book a few months ago

Helpful Resources

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I will periodically tell you about valuable resources for relationships, personal growth, and healing. One such resource is New Harbinger Publications, the house that published the book I co-wrote with one of my brothers, Bill Klatte. Our book is entitled It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted and offers help to anyone dealing with troubled, troubling, or troublesome loved ones.

New Harbinger was a perfect fit for us because they specialize in books that offer help with communication, personal growth, healing, physical and mental wellness, relationships, and so on.

Their solid publishing reputation is demonstrated in this tiny sampling of their titles:

• Relationship Saboteurs -- Overcoming the Ten Behaviors that Undermine Love, by Randi Gunther Ph.D.
• Fearless Job Hunting -- Powerful Psychological Strategies for Getting the Job You Want, by Bill J. Knaus Ed.D., Sam Klarreich Ph.D., Russell Grieger Ph.D., Nancy Knaus Ph.D.
• 10 Simple Solutions to Panic, by Randi E. McCabe Ph.D., Martin M. Antony Ph.D.
• Visualize Confidence, by Kirwan Rockefeller Ph.D.
• ACT with Love, by Russ Harris MD
• Messages, by Matthew McKay Ph.D., Martha Davis Ph.D., Patrick Fanning
• A Woman's Addiction Workbook, by Lisa Najavits
• Caring for Your Grieving Child, Martha Wakenshaw
• The Anger Workbook for Teens, by Raychelle Cassada Lohmann MS, LPC 

I encourage you to check out New Harbinger's extensive catalogue. You may very well find something helpful for yourself or someone else.

Choose not to Compare

Friday, May 14, 2010

In my morning mental meanderings today, something brought to mind a thing that often happens when someone is going through a difficult time. At least one person will say something like, "Well, think of all the people living in war-torn countries or so-and-so who just lost his whole family, or...," etc. etc. You've probably heard it. Maybe you've said it yourself.

People who say such things intend to help. They think that by getting your mind off your troubles, you'll feel better. They think that if you're reminded of how much worse life can be, your troubles won't seem so bad. Unfortunately, I don't think that's how it works. Statements like these may distract the afflicted person for the moment, but that's not necessarily a helpful part of healing or of dealing with what's going on. In addition, these statements encourage everyone to ignore difficult feelings like sadness, grief, anger and so on. As I've written before, ignoring hard feelings doesn't make them go away; it just makes them go underground. Later, they may very well emerge as headaches, depression, colds, back troubles, cancer, rage, self-pity, and many other peace-blocking symptoms.

So this morning, it occurred to me that one benefit might be found in the statement, "It could be worse. Look at so-and-so's problems." That benefit could be to recognize that in this physical life on this earth, troubles are not uncommon. They happen every day, and they happen to regular people, people just like you and me. So since we're all equally human, there's no reason to expect total lifelong freedom from difficult times. I suppose there might be people who never face calamity and loss, but I don't know too many, if any.

The other possibly helpful part of such statements is to remember that there's no quota on loss and pain. I don't know why, exactly (though I have some theories), but I do believe that's the case. I have certainly, definitely felt like I've had my share, but that doesn't seem to be how it works. When I feel like I'm getting more than my share, I remind myself there's no such thing as "shares." And this is not a depressing thought. I refuse to think and live like a victim anymore. I choose instead to be honest about my hard times and how they affect me. I choose instead to accept that other people will make choices that sadden me or cause me pain...and that I can choose how to deal with that. There is nothing about my "me-ness" that exempts me from experiencing the full range of being human.

Are pain and loss excruciating at times? Yes. Do I wish they'd go away? Yes. Do I sometimes feel like I can't take anymore? I sure do. At those times, I rely on a loved one or my spiritual source to get me through. Some days I can only manage to put one foot in front of the other until it's time to go to bed. I sometimes decide to temporarily ignore my rotten feelings and just keep busy...but I make sure that as soon as I can, I unbusy myself and deal with my feelings.

I do not advocate comparing ourselves and our troubles to someone who is "worse off." However, if you hear such words, you can use them to remember that all humans are human and that we always have choices about how to deal with our humanity.

Stoptimism

Thursday, March 18, 2010

This morning I was moving around pretty early, trying not to wake anybody up. As I'm on crutches, that's a tad difficult because they click and clatter with every step I take. A thought popped into my head from the other day: instead of having to tip-toe around, I have to "tip-crutch."

This early morning smile made me think of how often people find ways to smile, even laugh in the face of challenges, adversity and just plain horror. Then I thought of how often we pretend we're doing okay when we're actually not. We have many sayings that encourage us to do that:

• Look on the bright side.
• Keep a stiff upper lip.
• Every cloud has a silver lining.
• Yep, I'm fine. I'm keeping busy.
• It could be worse.

The trouble with such sayings is that they often encourage us to bypass an important step when we're dealing with troubles -- that of facing and accepting the fact that we are human and that we have feelings for a reason. Feelings serve as a signal that lets us know something needs to be dealt with.

Sometimes people don't want to, or don't know how to, feel what they feel and accept their emotions as normal, okay and part of the situation. I call it "stoptimism." Don't feel, don't give yourself time to adjust, don't deal yourself a break. Just stop feeling, stop "feeling sorry for yourself" and stop  those nasty tears before they escape. Pretend you're alright and that things are fine. Well, like it or not, it's pretty hard to actually get better unless we let ourselves feel what we actually feel.

I heard a line somewhere: "Smile, and the world smiles with you. Cry, and you cry alone." Not a great incentive for honesty.

Life is a balancing act. Sometimes for a while, we might have to pretend, fake it 'til we make it, get up and get on with it. But we also have to allow ourselves to feel and express our sadness, shock, anger and confusion. The problem with a lot of pretending is that we're often pretending with ourselves, as well as with the rest of the world.

So, get real. Get some help. Get some sleep and a decent meal. Get used to the fact that you might not feel 100% all the time, at least for a while....and that that's okay. It's sometimes part of the ride.

Quit practicing stoptimism and opt for realism. Then a little joke just might manage to make you truly laugh and get on with it. Here are some responses you might consider to those platitudes I listed above:

• Look on the bright side. (Can't find my sunglasses.)
• Keep a stiff upper lip. (Makes it hard to brush my teeth, let alone smile.)
• Every cloud has a silver lining. (So why don't I feel any richer?)
• Yep, I'm fine. I'm keeping busy. (Take the u and the y out of busy. What's left?)
• It could be worse. (Of course it could, but right now it feels lousy.)

For myself, I've acknowledged that my knee hurts every day, and I'm sick of these crutches, after needing them for over two months (with the light at the end of the tunnel being the size of a pin prick). I've felt and expressed my frustration and concern. So now I'm back to the humour part. As I often say, if ya can't laugh, ya might as well dance.

Well, okay, maybe that one doesn't work. But, still...you get the idea.

Word Wonder -- rejection

Friday, February 25, 2010

To reject means to:
1. To refuse to accept, recognize, believe, etc. 2. To refuse to grant; deny as a petition. 3. to refuse (a person)  recognition, acceptance, etc. 5. To cast away as rejected. [From the Latin rejectus, which comes from reicere. Reicere is made of two parts: re-, meaning "back" + jacere, meaning "to throw."] - Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary.

Most people have experienced rejection at some point. Perhaps you have. Maybe someone who matters to you has refused to accept you into the family or the workplace. Maybe you've been part of a group but then were rejected, expelled from it.

The hurt of rejection can slice deep, cutting through layers of defenses and hopes. If you have experienced rejection in the past without coming to terms with it, fresh rejections can be especially painful and confusing as they pile up on the old ones. Rejection can feel scary, even threatening at times.

We use many words for rejection; here are some of them:

discard, repudiate, refuse, prohibit, contradict, ostracize, exclude, eject, disbelieve, drop, cut out, let go, dispense with, throw away, cast aside, get rid of, shrug off, dump, dispose of, jettison, jilt, throw to the wolves, write off, abandon, turn down, deprive of, repulse, rebuff, repel, kiss off, slam the door in one's face, snub, have nothing to do with, spurn, turn one's back, deny, shut out, exile, banish, ban, boycott, blackball, bar, ignore, segregate, isolate

Quite a long list of ways we find to exclude one another. They can all hurt, because one basic human need is to belong. Belonging affirms that we exist, that we have value and can contribute. When others cast us aside or don't let us "in" in the first place, our sense of belonging can feel threatened. It's easy to feel hurt and sad and to think, "If they don't want me, what will I do? I must not be as good as they are; maybe I'm not worth anything at all."

However, keep in mind that there is a difference between being rejected and being part of a natural change or situation that does not happen to include you. In the list of words above, I italicized some words because they could signal rejection, or they could simply signal a more neutral change or situation. Although such situations can be hard to take, they're not necessarily a personal attack against you.

Take a look at the comparisons below to get a feel for this difference:

rejection: Your girlfriend yells, "Kiss off, Asshole!" (Her anger and words are a definite rejection.)
neutral situation: You didn't get the funding for which you applied. The letter reads, "We regret to inform you that your application has been denied."  (You simply didn't qualify, or other applicants were more qualified. This is not personal against you, even if it is hard to hear.)
rejection: You've been on the job for six months and seem to get along with your co-workers. Then, without warning, many of them start to snub you in the staff room and don't talk to you unless they have to for work. (Whether or not you understand why, this sort of treatment seems to send the message: We don't want/like/value you.)
neutral situation: A member of your team who often seems to be "on your side" now contradicts your opinion during a discussion. (As uncomfortable as this can be, it's just another person's opinion. Having different opinions does not mean that anyone has less value than anyone else.)

 The key to dealing with all such situations -- clear rejections and neutral situations -- is to find ways to see and accept your own value no matter what others feel, think, say or do. What can you do when you feel rejected? Feel, think and act your way to new understanding:

• Acknowledge your feelings. It's human and okay to have emotional reactions to tough circumstances. Name your feelings; do you feel sad, hurt, angry, disappointed, afraid, lonely, resentful, useless? Let the tears flow. Take a few deep breaths. Go for a walk. Write in your journal. Talk it out.
• Think through the situation as clearly as you can. Ask yourself what led up to the rejection or change. Look at your own part in it; are you part of the problem? Do you need to apologize for anything? What can you learn and do differently next time? Keep in mind that circumstances might change in time. You might decide that you're happy with your actions. If so, remind yourself that others won't always agree with you and that that's just fine.
• Act on what you've learned and what you know. Learn to remind yourself of your value, no matter what others think. Ask someone you trust to help you see your less-wonderful traits. Change your behaviours that cause relationship problems. If it's appropriate, talk the situation over with those who are involved.

Change and rejection happen to everybody, but no matter which you experience, it's in your power to turn things around. Feel your feelings, think it through, and act on your own good intentions. You cannot change anyone else, and you might not be able to change the situation, but you can definitely change how you deal with it.

Going Bonkers?

Friday, January 22, 2010

Is life getting to you? Are you looking for ways to lighten up and lighten the load? Then check out this great magazine called Going Bonkers? -- The self-help magazine with a sense of humor. Published out of Katy, Texas, this quarterly magazine is full of light-hearted yet reliable and accurate help with life's conundrums and calamities. From the Going Bonkers website:

Better than a pill....

Hotter than a stolen tamale…

Healthier than a carrot.....

More helpful than a hotline….

Articles cover a range of topics, such as:   

• Half a Mind -- Right Brain VS. Left Brain
• Shame Off You -- Four Steps to shame-free living
• Bam! Bang! Boom! -- When a Loved One Explodes from Anger
• Goodbye Friend -- Coping with the loss of a beloved pet
• The Black Hole -- Making the Best of a Ho-Hum Job

The articles do not use complicated concepts or fancy terms; they're straightforward and helpful without dragging the reader down. Regular monthly features such as "Bonkeroids" and "Wacky Wisdom" rely on brevity and levity (I couldn't resist) to carry serious messages. In addition, you can subscribe to the Going Bonkers? monthly newsletter, Bonkers Bits. I encourage you to check out Going Bonkers?.

Over the next two days, I'll post the two articles I've had published in the magazine to date.

Some Thoughts on Grief - Part 3

January 11, 2010

This is the final article in a series I've posted over the last three days. I wrote the series on grief with Cathy Piper, a registered nurse with a particular interest in palliative care and bereavement. Published in The Manitoulin Expositor in May 2008, the articles briefly discuss the grieving process. All quotations are taken from The Journey Through Grief, by Alan D. Wolfelt.


Moving on From Grief
In this last part of our brief series on grief, we’ll talk about moving on from grief. Keep in mind that the grief we are talking about can involve any sort of loss – a loved one, a job, a childhood, a home, and so on.

It’s not unusual to sometimes feel guilty during the grieving and healing process. Some people feel guilty when they discover advantages in the changes that have occurred, such as more time to spend with other family and friends, a preference for the new home after all, more money, or less responsibility. Some feel guilty the first time they laugh or the first day they don’t think of their departed loved one. Such feelings of guilt come from the changes life brings and are a natural part of responding to those changes. But they are not wrong or bad, and they do not mean you don’t or didn’t care. Let the feelings of guilt go by acknowledging them and reminding yourself that life really does go on and that it is a good thing to be able to enjoy it.

Another aspect of the grieving process is the unpredictable nature of memories. During the early phases of grieving, memories can come pouring in and threaten to overwhelm you. They can pop up at the worst times and refuse to leave, even when you have things you just have to do, like sleep or go to work or make supper. Memories often bring on floods of tears, feelings of anger, and a renewed sense of loss. As with guilt and all other aspects of grief that we have discussed, such remembering ups and downs are normal. In fact, they are helpful and necessary because they help us place the person, relationship, or previous state of health in the past, where it actually does reside.

Though thinking of this reality can be hard, it is natural and necessary because learning to move on from relationships or abilities or circumstances that have changed is the nature of life. Nothing can be gained by refusing to move forward, except that you may very well add burdens to your life that keep you stuck and make you unwell.

Instead, use your feelings and memories to honour and remember the people and circumstances that have gone. Enjoy and be grateful for their presence in your life for the time they were there. Discover and appreciate the lessons you’ve learned and the challenges and fun you’ve experienced because of them. Use those lessons and pleasures to enhance your life today. By appreciating and accepting the past, you will be able to live a more satisfying today and look forward to many promising tomorrows.

“Memories are my treasures…they carry my story, my song, my light. As I long for peace, I carry my memory torch with me, a vital link in the chain of humanity.”

Some Thoughts on Grief - Part 2

January 10, 2010

Here is the second part of the series I wrote about grief with Cathy Piper, a registered nurse with an interest in palliative care and grief. Published in The Manitoulin Expositor in May 2008, the articles briefly discuss the grieving process. All quotations are taken from The Journey Through Grief, by Alan D. Wolfelt.

Feeling the Grief in Its Many Forms

Yesterday we wrote about the nature of grief, that it is a natural human response to any sort of loss – of a loved one, a job or home, good health, and so on. By acknowledging loss and its natural feelings of pain and anger, you can move through grief and come out on the other side. Feeling these feelings is not a sign of weakness. In fact, by allowing yourself to actually feel what you feel, you will become stronger and will be able to live with your loss in a balanced way. By asking for help and by honouring your needs for both solitude and company, you can keep going.

As the feelings of grief come and go, you might feel like you’re lost in a terrible and empty wasteland. “Grief creates a natural disorientation…a kind of emotional and spiritual wilderness. In loss comes a period of emptiness, aloneness…new life has not yet emerged.”

It is so important and helpful to allow your sadness and confusion to run their course – with help and support. Trusted friends and family, clergy and counsellors, books and other information can all help you along the way. The fact that death and other losses are a common part of life does not mean you have to “get over it” in a certain period of time, as is so often what people believe. The healthy course of grieving allows you to work your loss into the fabric of your life; it does not have to rip it apart beyond repair.

Many people try to protect themselves from the sadness, anger and emptiness of grief by not talking or even thinking about it. Certainly there are times when you do just have to get on with the business of living, but just as certainly, there are times when it’s important to deal with what is inside you – including difficult feelings. In fact, trying to avoid the pain at all costs actually increases the pain, by prolonging it longer than necessary and causing it to “go underground.” When difficult feelings get pushed down, they almost inevitably show up again in the forms of depression, sleeplessness, illness, anger, drug and alcohol abuse, discontent, and so on.

The natural and necessary feelings of anger, fear, confusion, sadness, guilt and emptiness that follow a loss can be very draining. However, they are also signals that something needs to be done to move forward – talk to someone, have a good cry, sit in silence, write in a journal, go for a walk or hard workout, hug a loved one. These small acts, over time, bring acceptance and healing. Pain, confusion and anger diminish. You find yourself smiling more, enjoying favourite pastimes again instead of just going through the motions. Eventually, you can feel excitement again and even look toward the future without dismay. Despair lessens to sadness, then melancholy and, finally, acceptance and peace.

“I don’t have to go in search of the pain of grief…it finds me. It’s when I deny or insulate myself from the pain of the loss that I shut down. Ironically, it is in being open to the pain that I move through it to renewed living.”

Choose Your Attitude

Friday, December 11, 2009

This morning I had a conversation in which I was reminded that no matter what the circumstances, I can choose my attitude toward those circumstances, toward myself and other people.

This business of choosing my attitude is an active one in which I decide, step by step, what I will focus on and what feeling I'll nurture in myself. These choices are all immediate and specific to a given situation, often one in which I want to blame someone or something for what's happening to me.

By trial and error and by getting help from others, I've worked out a process that makes it possible for me to change my attitude in tough situations. I end up feeling better, and things usually work out better than they might have otherwise. Sometimes the process happens quickly, and sometimes it takes a while, but it does help. Here's a brief look at how it works for me:

     * At some point in the situation, hopefully sooner rather than later, I notice what I'm feeling -- anger, resentment, being "right" or sorry for myself, etc.

     * Once I notice my emotions, I stop and acknowledge that I don't like the way I feel. This has nothing to do with what the other person did or what's going on. I just say, sometimes out loud, "I know I don't like how I feel right now." I always get at least a tiny bit of relief after acknowledging this. Even if I still feel justified or whatever, I can acknowledge that it doesn't really feel too good in my gut or my heart.

     * Next I acknowledge that I can choose to feel better if I want to. Usually I'd rather feel calm or happy instead of resentful or justified, but sometimes I do want to roll around in my misery, and I have the choice to do that, too. Remembering this choice offers more relief because I don't have to feel better if I don't want to -- and the little kid in me just doesn't want to sometimes. But consciously remembering that I can choose to feel better at any time generally shortens my "little kid" phase.

     * Whenever I do decide to feel better, I ask myself what I'd like to feel and think instead of anger or blame or whatever.

• I might remind myself that everybody makes mistakes or has a bad day, so I can stop focussing on their recent action or words.
• Or I can decide that this matter is important and I need to talk about it or do something to change it. 
• Sometimes I can't sort it out yet, but I can decide to set the issue aside for the time being and do something useful or enjoyable in the meantime. This is not the same as sweeping it under the rug. I've just set the issue to the side, knowing I will come back to it at a better time or when I have clarity.

     * In all situations, I've learned to ask myself what part I played. Did I add to the problem? Was I implying something or dwelling on negativity or blaming somebody else? I don't always do this right away because it may not feel comfortable to take responsibility for my own actions, but it helps me to ask such questions as soon as I can.

     * Having decided to let go or deal with the situation or let it rest for a while, I consciously choose to get on with my life in a positive way. I do something I enjoy or get a job done. I might make a time to talk about things or acknowledge that it isn't such a big deal. Maybe I'll realize that the same thing didn't bother me last week, so maybe today I'm tired or thirsty or feeling vulnerable for some other reason...and then I drink some water or rest or do whatever I need to.

     * At some point soon I consciously pay attention to the fact that I feel better or the situation has improved or I've learned something. This usually includes expressing gratitude for the improvements or, at least, for my decision and ability to choose a better way. This step is important because it solidifies my learning (for the next time) and helps me live in a more aware way.

Choosing your attitude is not magic, but doing so can bring practical, almost magical results in the form of calmer days and less stressful relationships. I like the advice of a guy named Mike Dooley who says, "Thoughts become things, so choose the good ones."

Premeditated Resentments

A friend recently told me how disappointed and angry she'd felt when a group leader made crass and hurtful statements to her and others in the group. This is a small organization aimed at helping people feel better and live better than they did the day or week before. "Crass and hurtful" are not the norm there. My friend felt betrayed by the leader's words and attitudes.

I definitely know how it feels to be disappointed by someone in a position of authority. I've felt similar shock, hurt, confusion and righteous outrage. He should know better! How can she say that?! He shouldn't do that.

However, I believe "should" is a useless word and approach. Although it seems natural to want our leaders to be all-wise, kind and in control, we know that's not always how it is. Whether we're talking about a parent who abuses a child, a politician who dips into the money bags, or a teacher who can't teach, it's just not helpful to throw around our "shoulds." They get in the way of our own peace of mind, and they sure don't add to the other person's desire to improve.

Another friend once told me, "Expectations are premeditated resentments." That makes sense to me, so instead of stuffing resentments into my emotional backpack, I aim for realistic optimism with others. I can't control them or fix them, even though sometimes I wish I could. Therefore, it helps if I'm clear about what I'm looking for without feeling bent out of shape if I don't get it.

When I meet with unexpected disappointment, like my friend did recently, I still have the choice about how much, if any, resentment I want to carry about it. I might have an emotional reaction at first, but I don't have to be ruled by my emotions. I might speak up about it, or I might decide to walk away. Either way, I can get rid of my resentments as soon as possible.

Do I manage this all the time? Definitely not. Am I getting better at it? Yes, definitely. A saying I believe in is Practice Makes Better. Never mind trying to be perfect. But, I can certainly get better at something, even if I never get perfect at it. That's a peaceful and responsible approach to life that works for me.

Healing is Possible

If you have been sexually assaulted or abused, you might have experienced a range of physical reactions and results, such as:

• varying degrees of physical pain
• physical injuries
• no physical pain
• sexual pleasure (which can feel very confusing)
• physical numbness

In addition to those common physical feelings, most children, teens and adults who've been abused also feel:

• fear
• anger or rage
• shame
• guilt
• embarrassment
• dread
• isolation
• confusion
• "deadness" inside, lack of any feelings at all
• helplessness
• anxiety or nervousness

And in addition to all that, it's common for abused people to feel trapped by the abuser. The abuser might threaten to hurt another person or a pet, or to kill the victim as well as sexually assaulting him or her. Even if no threat is spoken, the abuse itself is a threat to safety, trust and security, so many victims say nothing.

Some people feel stupid for "getting caught," thinking they "should" have been able to predict or prevent what was going to happen. They feel they "should" have been able to fight the attacher off or avoid the attack.

Certainly, if you already knew the abuser, you might feel betrayed by him or her. And many people, especially children and adults who've already been victims of other physical violence, carry a deep feeling that they deserve to be assaulted in this way. They might feel responsible for the abuse.

If any of these responses to sexual abuse and assault sound or feel familiar to you, please know that although they are common reactions, you do not have to continue to feel this way.

You did not cause your abuse. You did not make someone else decide to attack you -- period. No matter where you were or what you wore or how old you were, you did not cause the abuse. You had the right to say "No" at any time, even if you were too afraid or  young or drunk or confused to say it out loud. Being unable to stop the abuse or assault is not the same as being responsible for the abuse or assault.

Help is available. You don't have to be alone. Many people are trained to help survivors of sexual abuse and assault.

Healing is possible. Absolutely. Many previous victims of abuse and assault have become able to live happy, secure, satisfying lives. They are free of the guilt, anger, shame and feelings of powerlessness created by the abuse.

You can move forward from where you are now.

Build a Short Fence in Your Tough Relationship

Some relationships are tricky. You ride up and down, in and out, and still you hang on as best you can, even when the going gets tough. If you have problems with somebody you love – your spouse, son, aunt, friend, or whomever – you know how exhausting and scary this roller coaster ride can be.

Relationships like this are described well in these lines from the song, “Put Some Love into It,” by The Laws, a married duo from Seeleys Bay, Ontario, Canada:

Life can be a bed of roses,
Sometimes it’s just a bed of nails.
You’re up one day, down the next, it never fails.

People want their relationships to bring love, companionship, fun, support, and happiness. But if you're in a relationship that brings the opposite -- chaos, worry, sadness, frustration, hurt -- you might be feeling very discouraged. So what can you do to smooth out the ups and downs of your difficult relationship? How can you feel more peaceful and less worn out?
...By changing your approach and your thinking. You can consider new ideas, learn new skills, and change your actions. Take a look at this:
Imagine that you have next-door neighbours whose messy yard really bugs you and even messes up your yard. Their weeds broadcast seeds that take hold in your lawn. Their overflowing garbage can smells awful, and their dog drags the refuse onto your porch. They never cut their grass. Rusting cars and old appliances fight for space in the front yard. But as much as their stuff bothers you, are you going to go over there and weed the garden, haul the junk to the dump, and cut the grass? Not likely. Why not? Because it's their mess, not yours.
The same is true for your troublesome loved one's life. It's his mess, not yours -- even though it sometimes messes up your life and even though you love him. So since the mess is not yours, and you didn't cause it, and you can't control it, how about trying something different?
Here's a useful tool to help you do that. Picture a short fence, about knee height, standing up between you and your problematic loved one (between your yard and his messy yard). Now, each time your relative or friend gets drunk or yells at his kids or gets fired, picture yourself walking right up to that short fence. But you do not step over the fence, even though it's low enough for you to do so. You stop at the fence because whatever is on the other side belongs to your loved one, not to you. Picture yourself feeling love for that person, and then turn around and walk away. Find something to do that pleases you. Get a hug from somebody else. Watch a movie. Go for a walk. Do something that helps you stay on your side of the short fence and respect that your loved one's life (messy yard) is theirs to fix, not yours.
Here are two examples of how to stay on your side of the short fence:

• If your sister comes over when she's drunk and wants to drink your booze, don't try to convince her to stop drinking. You could tell her you'll talk with her when she's sober or when she decides to get help, but you won't help her drink. Your short fence reminds you that you cannot control her drinking, and her drinking problem isn't yours to fix.
• When your husband gives you the silent treatment because he's angry with you, remember that how he reacts to you is not yours to fix. You did not make him choose that reaction, and you can't make him change it. Even though the silent treatment can feel painful and confusing, you can choose to stay on your side of the short fence by getting on with your daily activities. You might calmly tell your husband that you're prepared to talk when he's ready and that you're not allowing his anger to make you feel punished. You have things to do, and you're going to enjoy your life with or without his silence or his participation.

An important key to the short fence is that you stay "in your own yard" without pointing your finger at your loved one. The short fence is not an excuse to hurl insults or blame from a safe distance; it's an opportunity to let go of anger and blame and to make positive choices for yourself. It gives you the energy to live your life and, if he decides to change, to be ready to move forward together.
The short fence can help you remember that each of us has his or her own life to live. We are each responsible for our own choices. We cannot change or control anyone but ourselves. With troublesome loved ones (TLOs for short), life and love can certainly feel more like a bed of nails than a bed of roses. However, by living your own life as well as you can (by staying on your side of that short fence), you can start to grow some roses and offer your TLO a healthier form of love. And then, as the Laws’ song goes on to say:

Love can help you climb a mountain,
Take you where you want to go.
No need to be afraid,
So have a little faith, in something we already know...

Don’t hold nothin’ back,
Remember what we’re living for,
And you’ll get so much more.