The Day After

Yesterday was December 6.

Here in Canada, December 6 is the National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women. This day was established in 1991 by the Parliament of Canada to mark the anniversary of the 1989 murders of 14 women at l'École Polytechnique de Montréal. Only women were killed that day, because the killer consciously targetted women.

Since December 6, 1991, women, men and children have gathered in school gyms and community halls and churches across Canada to focus on the grim realities of women and children who live -- and die -- in violence. In my area, we gathered yesterday to listen to the daughter of a local woman who was murdered by her partner and to Jeannette Corbiere Lavell, the president of the Native Women's Association of Canada. We lit candles for the fourteen women murdered in Montreal twenty years ago and for every woman in our area who has died violently. None of this was done to stir or condone hatred of men but, rather, to acknowledge the lives of these women and to remind everyone present that violence against women and children continues.

Hatred is not a solution. For me, it is not an option. It is my hope that every person who attends these gatherings or reads this post or loves another person will transform his or her thoughts, feelings and words into action.

This short list of links is a starting point for those of you who would like more information. Please do something -- today, the day after December 6 -- to become more aware, to change your words and ideas, to act. Every single human being is worth it.

The Montreal Massacre -- coverage in the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) archives
Violence Against Women -- an international journal
YWCA December 6 Fund -- offers interest-free loans to women leaving violent homes
Men for Change -- a pro-feminist organization dedicated to promoting gender equality and ending sexism and violence
Learning and Violence -- a website that explores and explains the impact of violence on learning

Healing Actions -- an Exercise

Yesterday I posted a journalling exercise about healing attitudes. Today's exercise involves several healing actions you can take. This is not a complete list of helpful actions, just as yesterday's list of attitudes was not complete. These are starter exercises you can use at any time and to any depth you like. It might be helpful to read my post, "Keeping a Journal 101." There's no right or wrong way to keep a journal; just do whatever works for you.

Write or type your response to each of these healing actions:

• talking with someone you trust
• writing about what's going on
• digging inside yourself for questions and answers
• relaxing
• listening intuitively

Then, as with the Healing Attitudes exercise, explore one of the healing actions more fully and focus on what you can do about it today. Maintain that focus for one week, then two. If you like, give each of the other healing actions the same treatment after you're done with your first choice.

Date your entries for future encouragement. Smile. Cry. Draw. I invite you to express yourself in these simple and helpful ways.

And just for the record, it doesn't matter if you do the Healing Actions exercise before or after the Healing Attitudes exercise. They can both be helpful, so trust your gut.

Healing Attitudes -- an Exercise

Here is a journalling exercise that can help with your healing or personal growth. The exercise is presented in two parts, in two posts. You can do one or both of them or, of course, neither. The choice is yours.

I invite you to check out my earlier post called "Keeping a Journal 101" to read a short introduction to journalling. As with all journalling exercises I do and recommend, it's fine to either write on paper or type on your computer. I do suggest you date your writings if you plan to keep them; it's helpful and interesting to re-read them later to see how you've grown, what you've learned or what still needs work.

Below is a short list of healing attitudes. Consider and write briefly about how each has been helpful to you or could be helpful to you. Then pick one and write in more detail about what you can and will do today to make use of that healing attitude. And keep it simple, Sweetheart; one change at a time is plenty.

• willingness
• honesty
• acceptance
• determination
• creativity

If you'd like, maintain your attention to your chosen healing attitude for a week, then two weeks. Journal about what is changing as a result. Talk with someone trustworthy about what's happening with you.

You could then go on to focus on the other healing attitudes -- one per week -- and see what happens. However you approach this journalling activity, remember to listen to yourself. Take breaks. This is not a marathon. Enjoy yourself and give yourself credit for every effort. Healing and recovery aren't always easy, but they can definitely be satisfying!

In a companion post to this one, I'll offer a similar journalling exercise using healing actions you can take to help yourself.

Pushing Through

My mother is a painter, but I didn't inherit her gift. My grandfather was a carpenter, but I didn't get that gift, either. What I do is meander, float and dig around inside myself in search of the exact phrase, the perfect rhythm with which I can articulate ideas and emotions. I use words to express myself.

For the past month, I haven't been able to do much meandering or digging. I've been too stunned and exhausted by the death of our youngest son. Most of my expression has come in the form of tears and weakly returned hugs and an inability to sleep. I've flipped around all over the place -- by turns a zombie or a simmering volcano or a puddle of mush. Several times I sat at the computer, willing myself to write something, anything, but for the most part, it was beyond me to do so.

Then this morning I read an article in the January 2010 issue of Writer's Digest magazine. Titled Inspiration vs. Perspiration, the article discusses the balance required if one intends to write for a living. Author Mary E. DeMuth's words made a great deal of sense to me and, more importantly, urged me to sit the heck down and write something, anything, even if it was schlock. Ms. DeMuth writes, "Understanding the dynamics of each [inspiration and perspiration] and how they relate to our finished written work can help us capitalize on our most inspired times and push through our most difficult moments."

Well, mourning has certainly brought many difficult moments. But I realized as I read that if I am to honour my love of words and my livelihood, I do have to push through. I can focus for short times, so it's important to do that when I can. I can help myself, and maybe somebody else, by getting things "down on paper," as I so often tell my students and clients. And I trust that by doing so, I'll have more inspired moments...and be better able to push through future difficulties. Thank you, Mary DeMuth.

(Check out my Word Wonder post about willingness. I'm pretty sure that writing it helped me grab onto what Ms. DeMuth had to say in her article.)

Reaching Out to Grief

A week and a half ago, our youngest son, Daniel, died. He was twenty years old. In the fog of grief and exhaustion, I've sometimes wondered what I would say in my first post since that day. It felt strange to have my mind jump to such ordinary things, but even in the middle of the worst moments, I have known life really does go on, whether we like it or not...so here I am. I'm a writer, and I value healing and relationships, so it helps me to be here. I hope it helps somebody else, too.

I have learned a powerful lesson in the last ten days. I've learned that any expression of caring and support is of value when someone has died. I used to think that I might cause more grief by calling and stirring things up, or that I'd be one person too many during an exhausting time. As a result, I often hung back when a friend's loved one died. I suspect some of that hanging back was connected to unresolved grief of my own and to a general discomfort with death. But a large part of it came from my belief that my small offering was too small to bother with or would be badly timed.

Well, I'm here to tell you that's not how it works.

My husband and I began to heal early on, a bit at a time, as we were lovingly touched by the hundreds of people who called, emailed, came by, hugged us, sent cards, cried with us, posted a message on Daniel's Facebook tribute page, prepared and brought food, tidied up, sent flowers, sang and drummed, prayed, smiled, and reminisced with us. One friend and neighbour came by and fixed the porch light -- what a helpful, caring act! Every good thought, each small act, has helped us avoid despair and overwhelm -- and will continue to do so.

So, please, trust your instincts when someone suffers a loss. Believe that you do matter. Your offering of support and caring helps. My husband described it this way: the sadness, grief and numbness of Daniel's death emptied our reservoirs, but each act of kindness and support refills our reservoirs one drop at a time.

The Joy of... Text

Check out my short essay on writing at this Kate Thompson Writes link or the one at the top of the page.

The Joy of... Text

The first memorable and deeply satisfying piece of writing I remember was the big school project I did on the city of Paris. I was in about Grade 4, and I saved that thing for years, through the many moves so characteristic of our unsettled family. I was especially proud of the Eiffel Tower I'd so faithfully drawn on the cover. Back then, we either drew our own cover designs or cut pictures out of magazines to announce our topics. My mother is an artist, and I guess for a few years I fancied myself one, as well, because I loved that drawing as much as I'd loved the research it introduced.

Research. I didn't know the word, really, but that's what I loved doing. I would sit in the library for hours, buried deep in the stacks of Do Not Remove Reference Books I so loved. I would yearn to be able -- just once -- to be allowed to Remove One. But I never was, and I never did. Sometimes I'd stand in front of the numerous shelves lined with several matched sets of encyclopedias. Oh, the joy, the satisfaction of all that information and all those pictures! The maps and the Flags of the World just about sent me into orbit. If I'd been either a "bad" kid or a gutsier one, I'd have torn out those flags and secreted them away in my lunch box or something. For better or worse, I was neither. Besides, there was the sacrilege of tearing a page out of a book. Nope -- just wasn't gonna happen.

Anyway, the deep pleasure of getting lost in the pages and words and smells and ideas of books has never left me. And I feel equal satisfaction from putting my own words and ideas onto the pages of my own books, articles, and stories.

So whether you've always loved to read and write, or you're just discovering a new love...keep at it. Have fun. Learn and share and stretch yourself. Reading and writing aren't the only great things in this life, but they sure are somewhere near the top. Climb up there and take a look. You might get tired or a little dizzy sometimes, but you can hack it.