Reaching Out to Grief

A week and a half ago, our youngest son, Daniel, died. He was twenty years old. In the fog of grief and exhaustion, I've sometimes wondered what I would say in my first post since that day. It felt strange to have my mind jump to such ordinary things, but even in the middle of the worst moments, I have known life really does go on, whether we like it or not...so here I am. I'm a writer, and I value healing and relationships, so it helps me to be here. I hope it helps somebody else, too.

I have learned a powerful lesson in the last ten days. I've learned that any expression of caring and support is of value when someone has died. I used to think that I might cause more grief by calling and stirring things up, or that I'd be one person too many during an exhausting time. As a result, I often hung back when a friend's loved one died. I suspect some of that hanging back was connected to unresolved grief of my own and to a general discomfort with death. But a large part of it came from my belief that my small offering was too small to bother with or would be badly timed.

Well, I'm here to tell you that's not how it works.

My husband and I began to heal early on, a bit at a time, as we were lovingly touched by the hundreds of people who called, emailed, came by, hugged us, sent cards, cried with us, posted a message on Daniel's Facebook tribute page, prepared and brought food, tidied up, sent flowers, sang and drummed, prayed, smiled, and reminisced with us. One friend and neighbour came by and fixed the porch light -- what a helpful, caring act! Every good thought, each small act, has helped us avoid despair and overwhelm -- and will continue to do so.

So, please, trust your instincts when someone suffers a loss. Believe that you do matter. Your offering of support and caring helps. My husband described it this way: the sadness, grief and numbness of Daniel's death emptied our reservoirs, but each act of kindness and support refills our reservoirs one drop at a time.

The Joy of... Text

Check out my short essay on writing at this Kate Thompson Writes link or the one at the top of the page.

The Joy of... Text

The first memorable and deeply satisfying piece of writing I remember was the big school project I did on the city of Paris. I was in about Grade 4, and I saved that thing for years, through the many moves so characteristic of our unsettled family. I was especially proud of the Eiffel Tower I'd so faithfully drawn on the cover. Back then, we either drew our own cover designs or cut pictures out of magazines to announce our topics. My mother is an artist, and I guess for a few years I fancied myself one, as well, because I loved that drawing as much as I'd loved the research it introduced.

Research. I didn't know the word, really, but that's what I loved doing. I would sit in the library for hours, buried deep in the stacks of Do Not Remove Reference Books I so loved. I would yearn to be able -- just once -- to be allowed to Remove One. But I never was, and I never did. Sometimes I'd stand in front of the numerous shelves lined with several matched sets of encyclopedias. Oh, the joy, the satisfaction of all that information and all those pictures! The maps and the Flags of the World just about sent me into orbit. If I'd been either a "bad" kid or a gutsier one, I'd have torn out those flags and secreted them away in my lunch box or something. For better or worse, I was neither. Besides, there was the sacrilege of tearing a page out of a book. Nope -- just wasn't gonna happen.

Anyway, the deep pleasure of getting lost in the pages and words and smells and ideas of books has never left me. And I feel equal satisfaction from putting my own words and ideas onto the pages of my own books, articles, and stories.

So whether you've always loved to read and write, or you're just discovering a new love...keep at it. Have fun. Learn and share and stretch yourself. Reading and writing aren't the only great things in this life, but they sure are somewhere near the top. Climb up there and take a look. You might get tired or a little dizzy sometimes, but you can hack it.

Does Surrender = Giving up?

This afternoon, the idea of surrender came up in a conversation. Like my friend, I used to think that to surrender to someone else's idea or to a new way of thinking meant I was giving up, turning into a doormat, being a woos. I've spent a lot of years figuring myself out and finding some sense of strength, worth and power. So why would I give that up...?

Luckily, I've learned that's not what surrender means. To me, surrender now means being willing to listen to a suggestion from somebody with more experience than I have. It means trying something different for a while, even if it's uncomfortable at first. It means being willing to give up something that doesn't work for me anymore, so I can replace it with something that does. Surrender means acknowledging, grudgingly or gracefully, that I don't have all the answers.

Dr. Gabor Mate, author of In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, was recently interviewed on CBC's Tapestry program. He gave an example of surrender that really makes sense to me. He told about someone who had decided to surrender not only his own drug and alcohol use, but also his drug-selling business. This guy gathered up all his drug paraphernalia and address books and threw them into a big garbage bag, and then took it all out to the trash. His decision and choices were surrender in action -- not just a theory or an intention, but making it so.

It's my intention to keep surrendering what isn't working for me, because when I've done this in the past, I have always benefitted. Sometimes I'm not so willing at first, or even after a while. Sometimes I just keep rolling around in the garbage for a while longer. But I can surrender my stubborn refusal to admit change is sometimes necessary. I can follow another's suggestion. I can at least be willing to be willing to be willing.

Fortunately, it doesn't take much to get started. I can surrender to the possibility of surrender.

The Tree of Gratitude

People often talk about being grateful for their blessings or making gratitude lists. More challenging is the suggestion that we be grateful for the hard times. All this talk about gratitude has become so common that it's easy to lose sight of how far-reaching the concepts are. I wanted to take a look at the underlying richness of gratitude. What are its roots? What other concepts are connected to gratitude -- maybe concepts I'm not aware of? How can these concepts deepen my understanding of gratitude?

First, then, a look at the roots of the word. The Latin word gratus means pleasing, beloved, agreeable, favourable and thankful. Through time, new words and shades of meaning have grown from that ancient beginning: grace, grateful, gratify, gratis, gratitude, gratuity, agree, congratulate, disgrace, ingrate, ingratiate and maugre (which means "in spite of"). In addition, the Indo-European root of gratus gave rise to the word "bard," meaning "he who praises." - Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary and Dictionary of the English Language

Every human utterance is an expression of some experience, thought, feeling or action. The words that have grown from gratus are deeply rooted and closely intertwined. Take a look at how these word-cousins show up in daily life...

Most people feel grateful when a beloved or otherwise agreeable person shows them a kindness. We appreciate favourable words when we are congratulated for an accomplishment. We might even praise that person or the gift. The giver of the gift often feels gratified to have given it and to know the gift was pleasing. On top of all that, we are often encouraged to express gratitude in spite of circumstances that don't seem to be so favourable. Sometimes we're able to accept disappointment with good grace. Doing so can also be gratifying -- at some point, anyway, even if not right way.

I encourage you to ponder the universality and gifts of gratus. Notice its presence in your thoughts and emotions. Express it in response to your daily experiences. Share it with others. Stop and acknowledge what is pleasing and favourable to you now. Let the roots of gratitude grow deeper inside you.

Premeditated Resentments

A friend recently told me how disappointed and angry she'd felt when a group leader made crass and hurtful statements to her and others in the group. This is a small organization aimed at helping people feel better and live better than they did the day or week before. "Crass and hurtful" are not the norm there. My friend felt betrayed by the leader's words and attitudes.

I definitely know how it feels to be disappointed by someone in a position of authority. I've felt similar shock, hurt, confusion and righteous outrage. He should know better! How can she say that?! He shouldn't do that.

However, I believe "should" is a useless word and approach. Although it seems natural to want our leaders to be all-wise, kind and in control, we know that's not always how it is. Whether we're talking about a parent who abuses a child, a politician who dips into the money bags, or a teacher who can't teach, it's just not helpful to throw around our "shoulds." They get in the way of our own peace of mind, and they sure don't add to the other person's desire to improve.

Another friend once told me, "Expectations are premeditated resentments." That makes sense to me, so instead of stuffing resentments into my emotional backpack, I aim for realistic optimism with others. I can't control them or fix them, even though sometimes I wish I could. Therefore, it helps if I'm clear about what I'm looking for without feeling bent out of shape if I don't get it.

When I meet with unexpected disappointment, like my friend did recently, I still have the choice about how much, if any, resentment I want to carry about it. I might have an emotional reaction at first, but I don't have to be ruled by my emotions. I might speak up about it, or I might decide to walk away. Either way, I can get rid of my resentments as soon as possible.

Do I manage this all the time? Definitely not. Am I getting better at it? Yes, definitely. A saying I believe in is Practice Makes Better. Never mind trying to be perfect. But, I can certainly get better at something, even if I never get perfect at it. That's a peaceful and responsible approach to life that works for me.

Healing is Possible

If you have been sexually assaulted or abused, you might have experienced a range of physical reactions and results, such as:

• varying degrees of physical pain
• physical injuries
• no physical pain
• sexual pleasure (which can feel very confusing)
• physical numbness

In addition to those common physical feelings, most children, teens and adults who've been abused also feel:

• fear
• anger or rage
• shame
• guilt
• embarrassment
• dread
• isolation
• confusion
• "deadness" inside, lack of any feelings at all
• helplessness
• anxiety or nervousness

And in addition to all that, it's common for abused people to feel trapped by the abuser. The abuser might threaten to hurt another person or a pet, or to kill the victim as well as sexually assaulting him or her. Even if no threat is spoken, the abuse itself is a threat to safety, trust and security, so many victims say nothing.

Some people feel stupid for "getting caught," thinking they "should" have been able to predict or prevent what was going to happen. They feel they "should" have been able to fight the attacher off or avoid the attack.

Certainly, if you already knew the abuser, you might feel betrayed by him or her. And many people, especially children and adults who've already been victims of other physical violence, carry a deep feeling that they deserve to be assaulted in this way. They might feel responsible for the abuse.

If any of these responses to sexual abuse and assault sound or feel familiar to you, please know that although they are common reactions, you do not have to continue to feel this way.

You did not cause your abuse. You did not make someone else decide to attack you -- period. No matter where you were or what you wore or how old you were, you did not cause the abuse. You had the right to say "No" at any time, even if you were too afraid or  young or drunk or confused to say it out loud. Being unable to stop the abuse or assault is not the same as being responsible for the abuse or assault.

Help is available. You don't have to be alone. Many people are trained to help survivors of sexual abuse and assault.

Healing is possible. Absolutely. Many previous victims of abuse and assault have become able to live happy, secure, satisfying lives. They are free of the guilt, anger, shame and feelings of powerlessness created by the abuse.

You can move forward from where you are now.