Kate Thompson on Manitoulin

Word Wonder -- accept

2011-06-21T14:56:00.000-04:00

1. To receive with favour, willingness or consent. 2. To give an affirmative answer to. 3. To receive as satisfactory or sufficent: to accept an apology. 4. To take with good grace; submit to: to accept the inevitable. [From the Latin acceptare and often accipere, which mean "to take": ad- to + capere to take] -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary

When I started writing this blog post I was going to use the word "acceptance." However, as I typed the definitions, I decided that acceptance, as a noun, seems to be a more passive word than the verb "accept." When I think about acceptance I get a peaceful image of somebody not much like me -- some guru guy meditating serenely on a mountainside or something. Nice image, but sometimes it's hard to replace the image of the guru with an image of myself.

On the other hand, the verb "accept" carries some energy with it. This is something I can do, even if it's hard or unwelcome to think about. Since I believe in taking positive action to help myself and others, I switched to the verb form of the word. As I've said before, sometimes doing anything is better than doing nothing.

Acceptance is the result of taking the action to accept, so it makes more sense to me to begin at the beginning.

When something is going wrong or unwelcome news comes, most people's first defense is to feel shock or surprise and a sense of unreality: This can't be happening! As time goes along, the change usually starts to feel less surprising, even if it's still unwelcome. There are no absolute reactions or order in which they come, but many people do feel angry, frustrated, sad, confused and/or unwilling to accept the change. These reactions to change and stress can last minutes, days, weeks or longer. Everyone is different.

What is similar about us, though, is that we all have a choice about accepting the change that's been dumped on us. As you read in the definition above, to accept refers to many related actions:

To receive with favour, willingness or consent.
To give an affirmative answer to.
To receive as satisfactory or sufficent
To take with good grace

Nowhere does the definition talk about being delighted or thrilled; instead it speaks of willingness and receiving and taking with good grace. The kind of challenges that are hard to accept usually bring pain or loss or something else few of us welcome. But positive action is still possible. Here are some statements you can say to yourself (in your own words, if you like) that might make change easier to accept:

This is really hard, and it's a good idea to allow myself to feel all my feelings. BUT I am willing (even the smallest amount) to receive this change, to stop rejecting it and everything connected to it. I don't have to like it, but it doesn't help me to dwell on my anger and resentment, either.
I will open my heart, mind and hands as far as I can to see where I can say "Yes" in this situation.
This is what it is, and I can't change it. But I can change me and my response to this challenge.
There is so much in this situation that I can't control. BUT if I look, I will find something I can do something about.
What have I (or others) done in the past to handle tough circumstances? Maybe I'll try one or two of those things now. When one thing doesn't work, I can' always try something different.
Life happens to everybody, and it isn't always fun or terrible. It just is.

You probably already use some of these ideas or others like them. I do, too. But it can be helpful to re-examine even familiar strategies, to refresh our thinking and feeling so that we can act in ways that help rather than hinder. None of this is likely to be a steady uphill climb. Many of life's challenges feel like a roller coaster ride of fear, pain, hope, effort, support, loss, success, confusion and more change. That's really just the way life is sometimes, and learning to accept that helps when a world of hurt hits you.

Grief websites

2011-06-18T13:42:00.000-04:00

Since the death of my step-son a year and a half ago, which was followed by the deaths of a number of friends and community members, I've become even more aware of the need for support during bereavement. As a life coach, I have counselled others about grief and have read and written about it. But our own life experiences have a way of bringing things into sharper focus... sometimes whether we like it or not.

If you or someone you know is grieving the death of a loved one, the following websites might be useful. This is absolutely not a complete list; it simply presents some sites that have been helpful to my family and me. There are so many ways to get the support we need at tough times -- talking, praying, keeping busy, being still, reading, getting active, and so.

I hope this list of supportive websites offers you some measure of comfort and help:

Forum for Grieving Dads -- a very private site for men whose child has died

The Compassionate Friends -- for anyone who has lost a child. I wrote a post about the site in March of this year. Read it here.

The Canadian Mental Health Association -- a general website offering information and support on many topics, including grief

Sameet Kumar, author of Grieving Mindfully - A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss (Click here to see the book on Amazon) -- You can follow Sameet Kumar on Twitter if you're so inclined.

The Grief Recovery Institute -- offers support for all sorts of loss and grief, whether through death or divorce or anything else

I encourage you to reach out. Get some help. Get a hug. Trust your own feelings and allow yourself the time and space to grieve and heal.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

2011-06-17T10:44:00.000-04:00

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings
by Maya Angelou

The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

Are you a free or a caged bird?

Of what do you sing?

Of what do you dream?

Whatever it may be, please keep singing, and please keep dreaming,

for we all need each other in order to be free.

Our dreams and our music bring us to freedom.

It is What it Is

2011-06-14T10:43:00.000-04:00

Maybe it's my age, but I seem to be hearing this expression more and more: "It is what it is." This little gem generally follows a small or medium inconvenience or problem, such as a somewhat painful medical test, a disappointment at work, or a hurtful comment by a friend or relative.

The expression itself is almost too ridiculously obvious to utter, and yet I (and others) seem to find some comfort or strengthening in the words. I think its power lies in the expression of the obvious, because it counteracts our (or at least my) innate desire to have the bad thing go away, like the little child I sometimes feel like. That little kid stomps her feet and makes little fists and gets mad and weepy at the "bad thing" that's happening.

But It is what it is seems to help the adult take over. It's easier to get real and get on with it. Okay, fine. I don't like it, but oh, well, it's here. Deal with it.

Then I'm okay again. Most interesting. I can more calmly look at my options and make a choice about what to do or what to feel or focus on instead of my hurt feelings or discomfort. Much better. It's amazing to me how very simple it can be to change my mind about my feelings and my actions. It certainly doesn't work all the time, but that is what it is too, eh?

King, Viking or Favourite?

2011-06-06T16:48:00.000-04:00

Here is another Celtic triad -- threefold bits of wisdom from ancient times:

Three people that are hardest to talk to: a king bent on conquest, a Viking in his armour, and a low-born man protected by patronage.

Though I don't run into many kings, Vikings or low-born men these days, I can see ways in which their modern counterparts can be hard to talk to!

If fear weren't there...

2011-06-02T14:51:00.000-04:00

I couple of weeks ago, in the midst of various health challenges and changes, a friend passed on a question she'd heard recently:

How would you act if fear weren't there?

Hmmmm... Good one. Although I didn't have much energy when I heard it, part of me liked this question because it cut through all the rhetoric and emotional roller coasters. The question asks me to set aside my ordinary reactions and more objectively ask myself what actions I would take in a situation if I (or even others) weren't afraid. It doesn't ask or expect me to stop feeling the fear, just to consider what I'd do if the fear weren't there.

My favourite definition of courage is "to feel the fear and do it anyway" -- whatever "it" might be. This new question I'm writing about is, to me, a helpful way to move from the theoretical definition of courage into action. And since I'm a great believer in action as the antidote to many sticky situations, this is something I can get my head around.

For example, if you were faced with an unexpected and unwanted job change, such as a layoff or being fired, a common reaction would be to feel afraid (among other feelings). Fears about your financial situation, changing status and/or respect, loss of workplace friendships, having to move, and so on. Many people would feel fearful in such a situation.

But now imagine that instead of dwelling on the worries and what-ifs, you just sat down and for a few minutes pretended you were an android or a robot. Imagine yourself moving into 'Droid Mode in which you feel nothing and simply have a problem to solve -- a problem no more emotional than sorting through the junk drawer or sweeping the floor.

In 'Droid Mode, you say to yourself, "Okay, so this is not what I wanted or expected. The situation appears to leave me with no familiar options, but I will consider every option I am able to see at this moment. Some will be familiar, perhaps, while others may not. That is no matter. I will simply weigh each one to determine how helpful it might be in this situation. Then I will choose reasonable actions and carry them out."

And so, ignoring all emotional reactions to the change, you simply list problems that have arisen and what you can do right now and in the near future to address them.

What would you do if the fear weren't there?

Changes, Changes

2011-05-22T15:38:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago I had my right knee replaced. Having had the left one done last year at this time, and having had a generally great experience, I was actually looking forward to getting this one done. More mobility, less pain, etc.

Without launching into the details, I'll just say this experience is being a mixed bag of great, not so great, and really difficult. The knee itself is generally doing extremely well. However, problems have arisen which, coming on the heels of a tough eighteen months of grief and illness, I'm finding my resilience is slipping. Or at least it feels like it is. I'm usually an optimistic, forward-looking person, but that part of me has been soundly buffeted by circumstance for the past many months. And then I am aware of my committment to keep up with this blog. It's been two weeks since I wrote a post, and that's just too long.

My debate, now that I'm feeling a bit better physically, has centred around the content of this post. How do I write something that could be helpful to somebody "out there," while still being true to my own experience and feelings? How can I write honestly without sounding like a whiner, when I am at a pretty low ebb? As I get going here, I'm remembering my usual approach when I don't know what to say or write -- just get started, be honest, and see what happens.

I am finding that my usual anchors aren't working so well, and that feels scary. I don't know what to feel or do about the changing circumstances in which I find myself. I don't trust my previous optimism. I don't trust my concept of Something More. Yet here I am, writing it out, however vaguely. Somehow that feels like something, at least. What, I don't know. But something, some positive response to myself and my own previous decision to keep up with this blog, to commit to it for my own sake and, hopefully, to be of some help to somebody else.

It seems my rambling is done for now, but by doing something, even as small as this, I do feel a bit better. I think it's about reaching out past my own concerns at a time when those concerns are feeling like quite a load. It's the offer that matters, not the result. I can control my offerings, but I can't control the result.

I hope you are making a great day for yourself or for someone else. Mine has gotten a little bit better. Thanks.

Celtic Triads

2011-05-09T13:36:00.002-04:00

Half of my heritage is Welsh, and it's the part to which I feel the most connected. When I was growing up relatives came to visit from Wales often, and my grandparents went back there to visit, as well. I was the first of my generation to visit the Welsh island of Anglesey, where my ancestors come from and where many cousins still live.

Though the word "Celtic" is often thought to refer only to the Irish, it also refers to the Welsh. It is easier to find information about Irish Celts than Welsh, but I found some, and this knowledge has added richness and depth to my understanding of myself and my family.

In exploring a little of this heritage, I came across The Celtic Book of Days -- A Celebration of Celtic Wisdom and enjoyed reading each day's entry. It seems to refer mainly to Irish traditions, but I like the richness I found there just the same. Serendipity is a delightful part of any search, if I keep my mind, eyes and heart open. My favourites in The Celtic Book of Days are the threefold prayers and blessings which are explained in this quotation from the book:

Throughout Romano-Celtic Europe, the Triple Mothers were worshipped as the Deae Matres or Matronae. They are usually depicted as seated mature figures carrying fruits, bread and babies and were clearly venerated by all sections of society. Triple deities abound in Celtic tradition, as we find the triple Morrigan, the triple Brighid and the threefold Godesses of Irish Sovereighnty... The Celtic preoccupation with threefold groupings is seen from the tripling of divine powers to threefold repetitions of invocations and prayers. The number three is still dominant in British and Irish culture as being lucky, and significant events are believed "to come in threes."

From time to time I'll post a threefold blessing until I run out. I think they're lovely ways of considering ourselves and our place in this life.

Three things that ruin wisdom: ignorance, inaccurate knowledge, forgetfullness.

The three most beautiful things in the world:

a full-rigged ship, a woman with child and the full moon.

I hope that, whatever your heritage, you enjoy and feel blessed in some small way by these Celtic snippets of wisdom.

A poem by Crowfoot

2011-05-06T12:54:00.001-04:00

Life is the flash

of a firefly in the night.

It is the breath of a buffalo

in the winter.

It is the little shadow

which runs across the grass

And loses itself in the sunset.

-- by Crowfoot, a Blood Indian who grew up with the Blackfoot people of Alberta and became their chief.
1830-1860

Thoughts about Death

2011-05-03T12:50:00.000-04:00

Since the death of my step-son a year and a half ago, I have roamed and lurched all over the strange planet of grief, loss and change, accommodation and acceptance, fury and pain. It's a complicated and unwelcoming place, to be sure.

Before Daniel's death, I had experienced many deaths -- my first child, my father and grandparents, all my aunts and uncles, friends, in-laws, students, cousins and pets. Since Daniel's death, more deaths have touched my life closely...and painfully. My world is being rocked significantly.

I am being challenged to re-examine my ideas about death. I've never been terribly afraid of dying or of death, but I've also never spent a lot of time thinking about it. I guess in some vague way I've just assumed it would all turn out okay. This non-approach has been part of my magical thinking, which I wrote about a few times in April.

My current exploration starts from a place of absolutely believing I can't know for certain what dying feels like or what happens after we're dead. So it's all speculation. Maybe we'll understand it on "the other side." Maybe we won't. I can't know that, either. Maybe I won't even know it once I "get" there.

I like to think that our time after we leave these bodies will be pleasant, but I don't invest a lot of emotion into that preference, because as I said before, I don't believe it's possible to know for sure while we're on "this side."

Where all this surmising and musing leaves me is with this: it actually doesn't matter too much (to me) what happens after I die, but it matters a great deal what happens before I die. And I can do something about that. I can choose to live my life fully and consciously. I can choose to regularly act on the love I feel for those around me. I can choose to be a better version of myself than I was yesterday or last week or last year. I can choose to be respectful and kind to those I find hard to love and to those I meet only briefly. I can choose to shoot for my best self and to be grateful when I see traits I admire in others and in myself.

So I don't currently feel too worried about the hereafter. I'm aware that I may feel very differently if I'm conscious when I'm close to my death, but even so, I prefer to deal with the here-now as best I can. In the meantime, I love this sentiment about death which has been ascribed to Mark Twain:

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

Word Wonders -- disgruntle & gruntle

2011-04-27T21:59:00.002-04:00

disgruntle
To make dissatisfied or sulky; put out of humor. [from the prefix dis- (meaning "not") + gruntle, an obsolete word that intensified the meaning and impact of "grunt"] -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary and The Oxford English Reference Dictionary

In other words, disgruntle means to "not gruntle," which for me instantly raised the question, "What, then, does 'gruntle' mean?" So here you go. I found the definition and a couple of delightful uses of "gruntle" online and discovered that it means "to put in a good humor." (from www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gruntle). Texan Walter Prescott Webb, 1888-1963, wrote that some people "were gruntled with a good meal and good conversation."

In the entry from the 1913 edition of Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (found on www.thefreedictionary.com/gruntle), I learned that gruntle also once meant "to grunt repeatedly."

So here's my fanciful theory about the development of gruntle and disgruntle. (Remember I am not a word expert but, rather, a word enthusiast with an imagination.) Maybe, back in the day, a pig farmer or village of pig owners noticed that their swine grunted when they were contented with their slop and mud. They came up with the word "gruntle" to describe the pigs' expressions of bliss.

Then maybe another astute soul noticed that sometimes humans also grunt with pleasure at dinner time (and other pleasurable events) and applied "gruntle" to their expressions, too. Hence, over time, to be gruntled could come to mean that a person was in a good humor or tranquil.

Then, life being what it is, someone who was not in a good humor, was not feeling at ease and serene, might have come to be described as being "disgruntled." And, sad to say, the delightful little word gruntle passed from our daily vocabulary.

Personally, I'm really glad I found the word gruntle, because as it happens, earlier today I was feeling decidedly disgruntled about a variety of frustrations. However, it was time to write a blog post so I decided to investigate a Word Wonder. Those are usually entertaining for me, and I was hoping I'd get distracted from my grumpiness.

It worked. Not only did I get distracted, I got gruntled in my search for meaning...of the word "disgruntled." And the word "gruntled" is so charming and rolls so nicely around in my mouth, that I think it might just help me choose being gruntled over being disgruntled the next time I'm out of sorts. And, that, my friends, is an important part of healing and personal growth.

Happy Gruntling to me and to you!!

Change your Magical Thinking

2011-04-23T11:25:00.000-04:00

This is the third post in which I write about magical thinking, a life view and habit that keeps many of us stuck. (Read the first post here and the second, a journalling exercise, here.)

If you have recognized that you do engage in magical thinking, if you've thought or journalled about it, you might want to know how to do the next step...changing your magical thinking.

As I said in my last post...
By recognizing and then loosening your grip on magical thinking, you'll find new energy, new resilience, fun, and hope.

Notice one aspect of life in which you're waiting for some magical solution to appear. Money, relationships, job, lifestyle and health are common areas for magical thinking.
Name what you're wishing would change, such as:
more satisfying work
no more debt
more travel
better appearance
happier family life
...or whatever is on your mind
Can you name the person or entity you've been wishing would make your situation better? Is it God, or a loved one, or some nameless and faceless Something? This can be hard, because magical thoughts are usually vague by their very nature, but give it a try.
As you pay more attention to your wishing-thoughts, notice how you feel, such as:
hopeless
wishy-washy
angry
vague
tired
frustrated
lonely
wistful
without energy
Now say or write a statement that includes what you've noticed in the first four steps. This might be hard or uncomfortable, because part of the power of magical thinking is that it's vague and usually not put into clear words. But looking at your wishful thoughts and putting them into words is an important part of seeing and then changing them. For example:
When I think about my huge debt load, I feel tired and hopeless. I wish Uncle John would die and leave me his money.
I wish God would just change Susan so we'd be happier. She really makes me mad. Maybe she'll just leave, and I won't have to deal with this mess.
If only I could win the lottery, big time. Then I could quit my lousy job and travel around the world.
Take a few deep breaths. You might be feeling guilty or pathetic or angry or many other things if you've written out your unnamed desire for someone to die or go away. But this step is so important if you're going to actually see changes in your circumstances. Because magical thinking is often so vague, we don't really pay much attention to those thoughts; they seem to hover in the background of our minds and hearts. The trouble is that while they're hovering, they're also draining us of energy and blinding us to our ability to be responsible for our own lives.
Now try this. Below your "I wish..." statement, write an "I will..." statement, such:
I don't like being in debt, but I will change that myself. If Uncle John wants to help, that's a bonus, but I don't need him to die for me to get out of debt. I'll take an honest look at my finances and see what my options are.
I 'm not happy with my marriage and the messes Susan has created. But I'm an adult, and I can take a look at my part of things and do something about that. And I'll ask God to help me with me.
I've waited for ten years to win the lottery, but I just keep losing. I don't like my job, but I need an income. So I will make a list of the pro's and con's about this job, and I'll start a savings account for trips I want to take. Then I'll decide where to go from there.
Maybe you've noticed that the I will statements are different than the I wish statements. They're more action-packed and positive. Their power results from looking at the reality of a situation. And in saying them, our power is made available to us. Even if the changes that follow are hard or uncomfortable, they're rarely harder or more uncomfortable than the problems we lived with before we changed our magical thinking.

So, the last step (#8) in changing your magical thinking about a situation is to actually do something concrete. Make a budget or talk to a credit counsellor...and then follow his or her suggestions. Stop blaming others, look honestly at your own undesirable behaviours, and change them. Quit your job or change your attitude about the one you have. Start a savings account with $2, if that's what you have.

Small, concrete, responsible steps are the antidote to magical thinking. And the result is more energy, a more positive outlook, healthier relationships, better finances...whatever. You decide because you can.You can follow the steps below by thinking it out, talking with someone, or writing your answers.Start small, since this is often the best way to learn new skills and attitudes. Here are eight suggestions for doing just that:

A Question

2011-04-21T08:05:00.000-04:00

The other day, a friend said she'd asked herself a question. Now I'm asking myself the same question and pass it on to you. Maybe it will be useful to you.

What would you do in any given situation if the fear weren't there?

Magical Thinking -- a journal exercise

2011-04-13T11:27:00.000-04:00

Last Wednesday I wrote about magical thinking, a view of life and self that resides deep below the surface in some people. (Click here to read that post.) This sort of belief system is part of childhood's charm, but in adults it supports an unhealthy degree of passivity. Magical thinking, as I mean it here, keeps us meekly waiting around for someone or something else to resolve our problems -- financial, personal, professional, etc. -- while we do little or nothing to progress.

As I said the other day, magical thinking is not the same as being patient or wisely waiting for the best time. It's not the same as trusting others or accepting limitations. These are helpful ways to interact with the world, while magical thinking makes it hard for us to move forward and to recognize our own strength and ability.

Letting go of magical thinking means seeing one's own strengths and weaknesses realistically. It means letting go of the idea that others will fix one's problems. It means taking responsibility for choices and decisions.

Get out a pen and paper and set aside 15-30 minutes to start. Ask yourself the questions below to help identify if you are prone to magical thinking. And as with any new awareness, the purpose of this is not to criticize yourself but to take the first step in change -- recognizing the problem. Keep in mind that many people have the thoughts and feelings described below; the trick is to identify if you frequently count on others to make things better.

Q?    Do you find yourself wishing someone would come along and pay your    debts or fix a troubled relationship?

Q?    Do you have vague feelings of powerlessness or inadequacy in your own daily affairs?

Q?    Do you feel like you're getting nowhere, especially in areas of life that are important to you?

Q?    Are you sometimes jealous of people who seem to "have it all together?" Do you compare yourself to them or resent them?

As you work through these questions, others might arise. Do your best to honestly explore the questions and the answers. Be kind to yourself, since that's the most effective way to stay interested in change. If you beat yourself up over perceived failures, you just add to the pile of magical thinking and lack of progress.

You can make changes that make you and your life more dynamic! By recognizing and then loosening your grip on magical thinking, you'll find new energy, new resilience, fun, and hope.

In another post, I'll write about ways to turn magical thinking into dynamic thinking. Once you begin to recognize the old patterns, you'll be able to build new ones.

A quotation

2011-04-10T20:52:00.001-04:00

Life is not life at all without delight.

-- Coventry Kearsey Deighton Patmore (1823–1896)

Victory in Defeat

Magical Thinking

2011-04-06T07:46:00.000-04:00

Never grow a wishbone, daughter,

where your backbone ought to be.

-- Clementine Paddleford

Born in Kansas in 1898, Clementine Paddleford wrote in her memoir that her mother gave her the advice I've quoted above. Apparently young Clementine listened well, since she grew up to become an intrepid journalist, pilot and traveler in the 1920s to 1960s.

As a food writer at such publications as the New York Herald Tribune and the New York Sun, Paddleford flew a Piper Cub all over the States to learn about and report on regional foods. She went aboard a submarine to learn what the sailors ate and explored quiet corners of her country to discover what the locals prepared for their families. Paddleford then conveyed her enthusiasm to readers by tempting their palettes with descriptions of the exotic-sounding foods she found in her travels.

When I found Paddleford's quote a number of years ago, I knew nothing about her. I only knew that its cleverly worded meaning shot straight into me and put words to a vague and unsettling feeling I had about myself. Although I was happy with some of my accomplishments and personal traits, I knew I wasn't being and doing all I could. At that time I'd never heard of "magical thinking," but I could tell I had more of a wishbone than a backbone in some areas of my life.

Through the years I've carried Clementine's mother's advice around in my head. I've passed it on to students and have continue to be attracted to its meaning. And when for the first time I heard about the idea of magical thinking, I knew that Mrs. Paddleford had nailed it so many years before.

To me, magical thinking means meekly waiting around for something to happen instead of doing it for yourself. It implies to me a floppy, waffling sort of attitude to one's circumstances and, perhaps, oneself.

Magical thinking is not the same as being patient or wisely waiting for the best time. It is not the same as trusting others or accepting limitations. Instead, it's a state of mind that doesn't allow a person to recognize his or her own strength and ability. Magical thinking is the result of (and supports) the belief that some external Somebody or Something will fix the problems, get the job done, make the desired result appear...and it immobilizes the magical thinker because she or he does not believe in herself or himself.

Letting go of magical thinking -- getting a backbone instead of a wishbone -- means seeing one's own abilities, strengths, and weaknesses. It means letting go of the idea that others will fix one's problems. It means taking responsibility for choices and decisions.

Changing my own magical thinking has come as a result of facing and dealing with the lousy things that have been done to me as well as the lousy things I have done or the valuable things I have not done because I was waiting for somebody to do it for me. It's a satisfying (though not always easy) feeling to take responsibility for my own life, for myself, for my choices.

In my next post, I'll offer a journalling exercise that can help you look at your own tendencies towards magical thinking.

The Compassionate Friends

2011-03-31T23:03:00.000-04:00

Last night I went to my first meeting of The Compassionate Friends (TCF), an international organization dedicated to those who have lost a child of any age, by any cause, at any time. Our youngest son, Daniel, my stepson, died in November 2009, at the age of twenty. His death was a deep, stunning shock. The repercussions of his death have been broad, deep, wide...exceeding practically every strong adjective I could possibly come up with.

For the first several months, we did the best we could just to make it through each day. Many times I've told myself, "Just do what needs to be done and make time pass until you can go to bed." Sleeping is sometimes the only way to make time pass without pain.

I've felt at times that I could suffocate in my own sadness. At other times, we've laughed and told "Daniel stories" and have been able to feel grateful and happy about having had him in our lives. Those laughing times don't happen often, but at least they do happen, and I believe they'll increase as the years pass. But I miss him. We all do.

Daniel's death, like any death, is changing family relationships. This reordering can be hard and is often not welcome. But it happens anyway, sweeping up the grievers in emotional and physical whirlwinds. In the past 17 months, other life changes, such as the death of friends and a pet, and health challenges, have added to the stressful mix.

So, after pushing the tough feelings down for a while, I finally feel ready to take a deeper look into myself. I needed a time not to feel, but now I need to deal with those feelings. So, after hearing high praise from a family member about The Compassionate Friends, I decided to check out the meeting in our area.

A small group of us gathered in the quiet of a Wednesday evening. The organizers, themselves bereaved parents, started us off by telling their own story. From there, the rest of us talked, if we wanted to, about our child's story. In some ways it was hard to witness other families' sorrow, and it was also affirming to hear them express feelings similar to my own. We cried sometimes and smiled in understanding agreement at other times.

What I like most about The Compassionate Friends approach is that no one tells anyone else how to feel, how to act, when to talk, when to be silent. No one interrupts. No one lectures or preaches or drapes others in expectations of what they "should" feel or do. All beliefs and experiences and feelings are honoured.

To gain a better understanding of someone whose child has died, or to help yourself in this situation, look for help with The Compassionate Friends. Explore their website here. In future posts, I'll share other resources that might help with bereavement.

Word Wonder - honey

2011-03-25T15:03:00.003-04:00

honey
1. A sweet, viscous substance made by bees from nectar gathered from flowers. 2. Anything resembling or suggestive of honey. 4. Sweet one; darling: a term of endearment. [from the Old English word hunig] -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary

When it first occurred to me to explore the word "honey," it seemed a bit too obvious to bother with. However, I decided to check it out anyway. I found so much has been done with honey that I decided to write about it despite its (possibly) small impact on healing, relationships, and personal growth.

As a term of endearment, honey is sweet and simple. Although overuse can render it as meaningless as any other word, adding honey to daily utterances does often sweeten them up a bit. "Honey, will you do such and such for me?" adds a love-reminder to the basic request.

As a food, honey is so delicious, so nutritious, that it's a wonderful addition to many foods and beverages. It also feels excellent sliding down a sore, raspy throat. Though I've never tasted mead, I understand it's a tasty drink made from water and fermented honey.

Honey has had a far-reaching affect on language and daily life. Take a look at this honey of a list from modern and ancient English:

honey-apple -- a fruit created in ancient times by grafting some kind of apple onto a quince stalk. The resulting fruit was used to make marmalade.
hinny -- a British form meaning "darling"
honey-tongued -- can be used as high praise, for one who uses words beautifully or as a sarcastic phrase for one whose words cannot be trusted
honeymoon -- After the wedding, life and the beloved are as sweet as honey. But a cynic might say this joy lasts only as long as one cycle of the moon's phases.
honey-bucket -- a receptacle used in a latrine
honey-bun or honey-bunch -- a term of endearment or a pretty girl
honey-do list -- a facetious name for the list of household chores a wife wants her husband to complete
honey wagon or cart -- the vehicle that empties latrines and carries away the contents
honey-pot -- in Australia, a way to jump into the water. This is the same as the North American cannonball jump.
honey-star -- a mistress!
honeydew melon -- a sweet melon
honeysuckle -- originally misnamed when ancient people thought that bees drew honey directly from this woody vine
honey thighs -- a term of endearment to a girl, since about 1945

So, I don't know. Maybe this post has made you more aware of how sweet your loved one is and will encourage you to say so to him or her. Maybe you'll just eat a bit more honey and be a little healthier as a result. I honestly just wanted to write about honey, even though it has no deep, profound meaning. That's it, that's all, sweetie.

Resource used for this post:

Thereby Hangs a Tale by Charles Earle Funk

Partridge's Concise Dictionary of Slang & Unconventional English, ed. by Paul Beale

A Word in Your Ear by Ivor Brown

Why Do We Say It? by Castle Books

Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins by Robert Hendrickson

Not a creative bone in your body...?

2011-03-16T00:05:00.003-04:00

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

In the writing course I'm currently teaching, I give my students a creative writing exercise during each class. Since the start of the semester, I've heard several variations of the statement, "I don't have a creative bone in my body."

I'm not creative.
I don't know what to write.
My writing is always boring.
I don't have any good ideas.
I'm no good at this.
I can't tell a good story.

Here are some of my responses to those statements:

Hogwash.
Yes, you do.
Yes, you can.
That's old thinking.
Everybody's creative, even if they don't know it.
...etc., etc. You get the idea.

What might it mean when people say they're not creative? It might mean any number of things. Maybe they were laughed at for some creative effort(s) in the past. Maybe they don't like a particular type of creative activity and don't recognize that not liking something isn't the same as being unable to do it. Perhaps they believe that if they don't excel at an activity, they shouldn't do it at all.

Maybe this sounds like you. Do you think you can't write a story or paint or act or make a craft? Do you believe you don't have a creative bone in your body?

Well, consider these ideas:

Are you a person who comes up with great party ideas?
Do you come out with funny one-liners or puns, or do you tell jokes really well?
Can you come up with options or solutions for nagging problems?
Do you hum or sing while doing some other activity?
Are you good at keeping the beat with songs on the radio?
Was there an activity you loved when you were a child?
Do you cook well or do carpentry?
Do you enjoy a hobby?
Can you tell stories to children that they enjoy?
Do your neighbours compliment you on your garden or yard?
Are you able to find the best arrangement of time or objects in order to get a job done well?
Do you find yourself wondering how the writer came up with the idea for a movie or book you like?
Is there one time of day when you seem to get a lot of good ideas?
Do you like arranging food, flowers, furniture, artwork, or table settings in pleasing ways?
Can you fix just about anything that needs fixing?
Are you good at solving puzzles?
Can you find the best/shortest/most scenic route to a destination?

This is a very short list of examples of creative expression. Maybe this list has given you other ideas about what you do well but never considered as meaning much. That's often the case with people who believe they're not creative.

Keep in mind that being creative simply means "having the power or ability to create...and is...characterized by originality of thought and execution." (Funk & Wagnalls' Canadian College Dictionary). Every single person can create something or come up with an original idea. Really. Creativity is not a special gift doled out only to a select few. It is a natural part of being human.

You are creative, even if you're haven't been given a Nobel Prize for Something or aren't published or famous. You are creative because you're alive and it's in your nature to create.

I encourage you to take a look at your attitudes about your own creative ability or that of someone else you've said isn't creative. What words and feelings go along with that limiting belief? How can you change your words and thoughts and feelings to allow for a new concept? Do you expect phenomenal results, or can you see that creativity is a process to be enjoyed?

If you like, try the following:

Every day for two weeks, write or say to yourself,

I am creative. I like to __________ (fill in the blank), and this is a creative activity.

It's very possible that your ideas about creativity will shift. Then go ahead, do your creative activity some more. Allow yourself to enjoy it simply because you enjoy it. It doesn't have to measure up to anybody else's idea of "good." If you want to, expand on it, share it. Learn something new.

Creativity is fun and satisfying. I hope you allow yours to blossom.

Uncertainty

2011-03-13T00:03:00.001-05:00

Sunday, March 13, 2011

"Be patient towards all that is unsolved in

your heart and dreams;

try to love the questions themselves."

-- Rainer Maria Rilke

Advice to a Daughter

2011-03-10T00:24:00.002-05:00

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The other day I found a book on my bookshelf, one of those enticing little nuggets found at a yard sale or some such place. I'd completely forgotten I own The Book of Lists by David Wallechingsky, Irving Wallace, and Amy Wallace. I do remember that it was old even when I bought it, but it just seemed like a good thing on which to blow an extravagant 25 cents, ya know?

Since this is the week of International Women's Day, I thought today would be a good day to list "F. Scott Fitzgerald's 21 pieces of advice to his daughter on living," originally from Fitzgerald's Letters to His Daughter, edited by Andrew Turnbull (New York: Scribner. 1965). I'm not big on worry, but maybe he meant something like "concern yourself with." In any case, I like most of what F. Scott had to say to his daughter, Scottie. See what you think...

1.   Worry about courage.
2.   Worry about cleanliness.
3.   Worry about efficiency.
4.   Worry about horsemanship.
5.   Don't worry about popular opinion.
6.   Don't worry about dolls.
7.   Don't worry about the past.
8.   Don't worry about the future.
9.   Don't worry about growing up
10. Don't worry about anyone getting ahead of you.
11. Don't worry about triumph.
12. Don't worry about failure unless it comes through your own fault.
13. Don't worry about mosquitoes.
14. Don't worry about flies.
15. Don't worry about insects in general.
16. Don't worry about parents.
17. Don't worry about boys.
18. Don't worry about disappointments.
19. Don't worry about pleasures.
20. Don't worry about satisfactions.
21. Think about: What am I really aiming at?

100 years of International Women's Day

2011-03-05T12:09:00.000-05:00

Saturday, March 5, 2011

This coming Tuesday, March 8, is the 100th anniversary of International Women's Day (click here to go to the official site). Look there or in your local newspaper for IWD events in your area.

In my area, Manitoulin Island, Ontario, Canada, I will gather with local women, men, and children at the Manitoulin Nordic Ski Club at 2 p.m. The guest speaker is Ruth Farquhar, writer and activist, whose topic is "Women in Media and Entertainment."

Below I quote from the IWD website where it explains what International Women's Day is about...and the range of ideas and activities it engenders.

International Women's Day 2011 Theme

Each year around the world, International Women's Day (IWD) is celebrated on March 8. Hundreds of events occur not just on this day but throughout March to mark the economic, political and social achievements of women.

Organisations, governments and women's groups around the world choose different themes each year that reflect global and local gender issues.

So while many people may think there is one global theme each year, this is not always correct. It is completely up to each country and group as to what appropriate theme they select.

Below are some of the global United Nation themes used for International Women's Day to date:

- 2011: Equal access to education, training and science and technology: Pathway to decent work for women
- 2010: Equal rights, equal opportunities: Progress for all
- 2009: Women and men united to end violence against women and girls
- 2008: Investing in Women and Girls
- 2007: Ending Impunity for Violence against Women and Girls
- 2006: Women in decision-making
- 2005: Gender Equality Beyond 2005: Building a More Secure Future
- 2004: Women and HIV/AIDS
- 2003: Gender Equality and the Millennium Development Goals
- 2002: Afghan Women Today: Realities and Opportunities
- 2001: Women and Peace: Women Managing Conflicts
- 2000: Women Uniting for Peace
- 1999: World Free of Violence against Women
- 1998: Women and Human Rights
- 1997: Women at the Peace Table
- 1996: Celebrating the Past, Planning for the Future
- 1975: First IWD celebrated by the United Nations

I encourage you to give some thought to the issues represented in the themes listed above. How do you support or hinder them in your day-to-day life? What can you do to improve the situation for women in your sphere of influence? What will you do?
Consider checking out these IWD-related websites:

The United Nations:
http://www.un.org/events/women/2001/

Canada's list of events:
http://internationalwomensday.com/search.asp?country=37

American list of events:
http://internationalwomensday.com/search.asp?country=223

United Kingdom's list of events:
http://internationalwomensday.com/search.asp?country=221

Time to Muse...

2011-02-27T12:36:00.001-05:00

Sunday, February 27, 2011

A few months ago, I spent a day with some friends, Klaus and Donna Bach, helping them pack to move. They'd lived on the Island a bit longer than I had, and I'd gotten to know them by several means. In the 80s, we'd worked together, with many others, organizing an annual folk festival here on Manitoulin. Klaus and Donna also owned the only health food store in the area, so I often saw them there.

These two make a wonderful pair: he, a soft-spoken, friendly German, and she, an effervescent, laughing Canadian. From all I could see, they, their two children, and the many foster babies they welcomed into their home formed a happy, loving family.

A firm believer in equality and common sense living, Donna was also a full-time homemaker -- truly, a home-maker. She loved looking after the whole family's comfort and offering stability and calm in their home. She contributed to the community and worked in the family's store.

Donna is one of the most smiling, practical and interested people I know.

On our packing day in the late fall, I was telling Donna about my blog, and she was as enthusiastic and supportive as ever. This conversation led to her showing me a poem she'd written years before. I asked if I could post it on my blog sometime, and she was delighted.

I like her little poem because it's real. It reflects the simple realities of daily life -- that the common tasks are more than just common tasks. They allow our minds to shut down and get much-needed rest. The small attention we must pay them allows emotions to be put on hold... or expressed in relative privacy (since the common tasks are often completed on one's own, anyway!). Intuition can slip in quietly and offer solutions that might otherwise go unnoticed. Life is full of small moments in which we can be renewed.

Here's Donna's poetic musing from 1979:

Women's Work

Lead me to the sink where I can think.

Let me peel the onions -- I can cry.

Put my hands in hot and soapy water,

Let me fold the laundry if it's dry.

Ironing's my favourite -- then comes mending,

I'll probably be at it 'til I die.

I know my family thinks I'm busy working,

But I'm solving all our problems on the sly!

Family Day in Canada -- yesterday

2011-02-22T12:31:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Yesterday we celebrated Family Day in Canada. This statutory holiday was first observed here in February 2008. It always falls on the third Monday of February. My first thought at the time -- my jaded, pessimistic first thought -- was that this would be just another opportunity for Hallmark to make a bunch of money. I didn't object to a mid-winter break; a three-day weekend is rarely a bad thing.

But the negative little corner of my mind has had a pleasant surprise this year. I've heard from a number of people that they did actually use the day to do something special with family. They played with their kids. They visited an estranged fathers and grandfathers. They got together for games and other fun. What refreshing news! In our family, I put on a big feast for our gang, and though it needed to be on Saturday, I still thought of it as our Family Day celebration.

So I've learned a little lesson here. Although, of course, most of us would hope we'd love and enjoy our families every day of the year, setting aside a special day does seem to have drawn attention to that hope. I'm so happy many people took the friendly reminder/opportunity to focus on their loved ones, to heal old rifts, to have some fun together.

I feel certain that such positive actions have ripple affects, some of which we may never see ourselves. But to me that's just fine. Love and fun and laughter and forgiveness carry their own wonderful energy. I don't have to understand it. I don't have to control it. I don't even have to do it.

But I'd rather do love, fun, laughter, and forgiveness than their opposites. So, Happy Today. Fill it up with some good stuff, and the ripples will bubble away from the centre of you to who knows where.....

Books to Check Out

2011-02-17T12:27:00.000-05:00

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I've recently heard about two new books published by Hazeldon, a publishing house specializing in resources for people working on personal healing and recovery. Take a look at these titles and their descriptions, which I've quoted from Hazelden's website:

"Do you take on the feelings of others around you? Or do you expect others to absorb yours? Is it important to be in synch? No says Dr. Allen Berger, author of 12 Smart Things to Do When the Booze and Drugs are Gone."

"1000 Years of Sobriety: 20 People x 50 Years by William G. Borchert and Michael Fitzpatrick. 1000 Years of Sobriety features the moving personal accounts of twenty men and women who have each remained sober for more than fifty years. These are the real 'old timers,' keepers of the wisdom, men and women from around the world who are among the dwindling generations who joined Alcoholics Anonymous when Bill W. was still alive, and whose very commitment to sobriety is a testament to the enduring power of the program."

Of course, there are as many paths to well-being as there are people. The beauty of recovery, healing, and personal growth lies in the strength and hope each of us possesses...and in the help offered by those around us. Hazelden is one such helping hand.

If you'd like to find other helping hands, you could:

check the list of topics on this blog (right-hand column) to read other posts about a topic of interest to you
borrow a book from the library or a friend
write in a journal
talk to someone you trust
listen to what your gut tells you
...and so much more.

I wish you well for today and every day!

What do you think?

2011-02-10T20:14:00.000-05:00

Thursday, February 10, 2011

There is not such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.

You seek problems because

you need their gifts.

-- Richard Bach

Appreciation & Gratitude

2011-02-08T10:44:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

For the past two weeks I've been quite sick, and this ended with five days in the hospital. I got out yesterday and am on the mend. It was nothing life threatening, but it has not been fun.

Today, as a result of many people and factors, my appreciation-gratitude-index is way up. Co-workers, my partner, my boss, and a number of friends supported me and sorted out the details of my life when I couldn't. The health care system in my little corner of Canada worked beautifully to get me better and keep me comfortable. Medical staff gave me thorough, friendly care, while kitchen staff did their best to accommodate my unique-to-them dietary needs. I had a safe, snug home to return to and two excited, happy dogs to greet me. I even appreciate the illness, only because it was a relatively innocuous wake-up call about some of my lifestyle choices.

I'd been so caught up in the busyness of my life that I wasn't making time to just sit still and take notice, relax, or give much to my family and friends. Nearly everything I've done in the past six months has been done in hyperdrive...and I crashed at the end of the ride.

The time in the hospital and this recuperation week at home are gifts. I have actually had an hour or two of boredom, which is rare for me. And thank goodness, I turned the boredom into peaceful reflection and relaxation in my lovely electric shape-shifting hospital bed. It felt so good to sit and do absolutely nothing in my quiet, darkened room.

That's when I realized that I was the author of my illness. I overworked and over-stressed, and ignored myself, family, and friends to a great extent. I'm so grateful that it didn't take a serious, terrifying illness or accident to wake me up. I'm so grateful I have loved ones and generally good health and options.

So I tell this little tale for my sake and, if you're interested, yours. Don't wait until you get knocked flat, like I did, before you notice what's happening. Stop whatever you're doing right now and look around you. Notice one lovely thing. Appreciate one comfort or challenge. Give somebody nearby a smile or a kind word. Send loving thoughts to somebody. Breathe deeply five times, say thanks...and then go ahead, get back to whatever you were doing. It might just seem richer than it did a few moments ago.

I've just done this, and I intend to do it more often. I intend to make some changes, because it's in my control to look after myself so that I can be of some use to others and appreciate the joy in life.

I hope you make a wonderful day.

You in the world -- a journalling exercise

2011-01-29T09:24:00.000-05:00

Saturday, January 29, 2011

This journalling exercise gives you a chance to examine the impact on you of community or world events. Sometimes doing this is simply interesting, and sometimes it's quite revealing of what your childhood world was like.

Think of a world or community event from your childhood or youth. Find out the date it happened and then figure out what age you were on that day. Ask yourself these questions:

What was going on in your life that at that time? Did you have siblings? Where did you live?
What do you remember about the event?
What did the adults in your life say and feel about it at the time?
As a child at the time, did you feel the event affected you or your immediate world? Now that you're older, do you see any effects that you didn't notice at the time?

As you write, see what else comes to mind (and heart). Children have a unique take on things, and remembering your own youthful perspective can be enjoyable and sometimes revealing.

Change -- a journalling exercise

2011-01-24T08:33:00.001-05:00

Monday, January 24, 2011

Some people say that change is one of the few things we can count on. In any case, change affects us all in different ways at different times and in different circumstances. Sometimes we like change, such as when an unpleasant person becomes more pleasant. Sometimes we don't like change, such as when we have to move away from a beloved home. And no matter how we feel about it, we change often in the course of growing up and getting older.

Set aside some time to consider how you have changed in the last five, ten, or twenty years...and what affect those changes have had. Think about the changes you consider to be "good," as well as the ones you think of as "bad" or "negative."

First, write down all the big and small changes you can think of. Decide how many of them you want to look at closely. One? Three? All of them?

Then, for each change you decide to examine, answer the questions below, taking time to muse and remember:

Was the change fairly easy to deal with, or was it hard?
Did you react to this change differently than ususal?
If you resisted the change, what did you think and do in your resistance -- refuse to discuss it, get really busy, take out your feelings on others? How did you feel -- afraid, satisfied, angry, resentful, excited, willing, sad, ashamed, etc.?
If you accepted or enjoyed the change, what did you feel, think, and do to help the change occur?
How did the change affect other people? How did you feel about those affects at the time?
At this moment, how do you see the change and its results? What do you think and feel about it? Do you feel differently now than you did when the change occurred?

Self-evaluation like this fosters growth and healing. It provides opportunities to understand the nature of change and to embrace, or at least accept it, as a natural part of life. Through self-examination we find wisdom and forgiveness. Our fears can diminish because we learn to see change as a normal process.

You might have uncovered old feelings of guilt or shame while doing this exercise. This isn't unusual, and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means you're human. We're very good at burying unpleasant feelings, often because we don't know what to do with them at the time we feel them. This journalling exercise gives you a chance to re-examine your difficult feelings; the gift of time might have given you new perspectives or emotional skills. Use these to help yourself understand and deal with old pain. You might find help in earlier posts I've written. To read more about dealing with guilt, click here. To read more about dealing with shame, click here.

If you have trouble coming to terms with past changes, feelings, or actions, I encourage you (as always) to talk with a trusted friend or counsellor. Sometimes another person's perspective can be very helpful.

Never Too Late

2011-01-17T00:01:00.000-05:00

Monday, January 17, 2011

For the past several months I've been teaching a number of college and community courses for adults -- primarily lifeskills, computers, and English. Over the years, my students have ranged in age from 16 to 70+. Every time I teach another course, I'm encouraged, awed, and renewed by those who risk moving forward.

It often takes courage to go back to school after being away. People wonder if they can do it. They wonder if they'll be laughed at for being "too old" for school. Some they don't really know what they'll be dealing with or exactly how it might help them, while others have a definite plan. As with many things, people's confidence covers a spectrum from near-terror to absolute certainty.

Many, many of my students over the years have met the challenges of returning to school as an adult and have then continued to meet more. They've learned that they're smarter than they thought and that asking for help is smart, too. Some have made friends, found entirely new directions to pursue, felt proud to provide an example for their children and grandchildren. Just as importantly, some have learned that school is not the best choice for them, not at that moment, anyway.

I take my hat off to anyone who decides to learn something new, in any setting, for any reason, at any time. Keep up the good work (and play).

The Hardest & the Best

2011-01-14T00:04:00.002-05:00

Friday, January 14, 2011

Tweny-seven years ago today, I was very large with child...our third child. His dad, older brother, Logan, and I were so excited about this baby! Having lost our first son, we were perhaps more appreciative of this healthy pregnancy and aware of the unpredictable nature of life than many young parents might be.

Well, Lucas did arrive safe and sound as anything. He was followed a few years later by another brother, Graham. Over the years of raising these boys, partly as a married parent and partly as a single parent, I came up with one of my personal axioms:

Being a parent is the hardest, best, & most satisfying thing in my life.In the course of time, I've also been blessed with step-children, grandchildren, and other Bonus Kids, as I call all the young ones I get to hang out with. Birth Kids and Bonus Kids. Fantastic.

Today, with most of my Kids in their twenties and thirties, it's still true that being a parent, auntie, and grandparent -- as conscious, loving, and dedicated as I can be -- is the hardest, best, and most satisfying aspect of my life.

I've certainly screwed up. I've tried things and failed miserably. I've felt so frustrated with my little lovelies I could have shaken them; I nearly did, actually. But I kept paying attention to how friends with older kids handled situations. I asked questions. I learned to listen to my own opinion and began my own healing work. I lost two children and felt terror at losing others. I watch them suffer and wish I could carry that for them, but I can't. And I shouldn't.

This is life.

If you have a friendly or loving relationship with any child or younger person, you are both so fortunate. You get to enjoy a ride that enables you both to have fun and work hard and grow up. What a great gift!

A quotation

2011-01-11T00:06:00.002-05:00

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Cultivate everything

that brings you some joy

in being alive.

– from Carl Jung's letters

Word Wonder -- comfort

2011-01-08T12:23:00.001-05:00

Saturday, January 8, 2011

comfort
noun: 1. A state of mental or physical ease, especially one free from pain, want, or other afflictions. 2. Relief from sorrow, distress, etc.; solace; consolation. 3. One who or that which gives or brings ease or consolation. 4. Help or support...
verb: 1. To cheer in time of grief or trouble; solace; console. 2. To relieve physical pain. 3. Law To aid; help. [from the Old French confort, which comes from the Old French conforter. That, in turn, comes from the Low Latin word confortare, meaning "to strengthen." The two parts of the word "comfort" are com-, which means "with" and fortis, which means "strong."] -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary

It's likely that none of what you've read so far surprised you about today's Word Wonder. It didn't surprise me, either, at first. But what was new to me was the strong association the word has with the idea of strength. I'd never thought about that before.

The "-fort" part of comfort comes from one branch of the ancient Indo-European root bhergh-, which meant "high; with derivatives referring to hills and hill-forts." [Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition, page 1643] At a time when being higher than your enemy increased your chances of survival, hills were crucial. A bhergh- meant strength (-fort)...thus, hill-forts. A number of languages have words related to this root: burg, which meant a fortified town; borough; belfry; burgomaster; even burglar; plus fort, force, forte, effort, enforce, fortify, fortissimo, pianoforte, and reinforce. They all have to do with height, strength and/or safety.

Fast forward a good many years, and comfort becomes the allies and reserves that arrive to support an army -- strength and fortification to help in battle. Further on in history (or perhaps all along), the term "comfort for the troops" came to mean having women or boys available for sexual gratification.

Somewhere along the way, the strengthening nature of comfort evolved into the softer meaning generally used in English today. We think of the solace, ease, and consolation mentioned in the definition above. We think of warm, cozy comforters and muffins and cups of tea or hot chocolate. Comfort means a friend who will listen and offer support.

Ivor Brown, author of A Word in Your Ear & Just Another Word, believes "This is one of the admirable words which have turened soft and it needs to be re-stiffened to its proper shape and value." Although it is, as he continues, "...by origin, the giver of strength and valour," I don't agree with him that comfort has lost its power.

Upon reflection, I've come to think that the comfort we derive from soft blankets and rich carbohydrates and solace in times of grief is closely similar to the strength ensured by high places in times of war. No matter how comfort comes to us, it usually does, indeed, make us stronger. Whether we fight enemies on a battlefield or struggle with the onslaught of life's problems, comfort is welcome. It helps us move from feeling overwhelmed by sadness or depression or loneliness to feeling stronger and better equipped to move forward.

I hope that, whatever the circumstances, you will offer and accept comfort, thus helping strength to return.

Word Wonder -- resolution

2010-12-31T11:20:00.002-05:00

New Year's Eve 2010

resolution
1. The act of resolving or of reducing to a simpler form. 2. The state of being resolute; active fortitude; resoluteness. 3. The making of a resolve; also, the purpose or course resolved upon; a resolve; determination. 4. The separation of anything into its component parts. 5. A proposition offered to or adopted by an assembly. [from the Latin resolvere, made up of re-, meaning "again," and solvere, meaning "to loosen"] -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary

"A New Year's Resolution is something that

goes in one year and out the other."

by Anonymous

New Year's Resolutions -- an effective tool for personal change or a pointless exercise in self-delusion...?

For thousands of years, people around the world have seen the beginning of a new year as a time of hope for the future. Even though the new year is considered to start on different dates, depending on the culture and calendar, it is often seen as the doorway to new possibilities.

I found it interesting to discover that the word "resolution" comes from an ancient word meaning "to loosen again." Loosen what? Maybe to loosen and let go of old problems and attitudes. In some cultures and times the custom has been to open the back door as the clock first strikes at midnight; this allows the old to get out. Then as the clock strikes for the twelfth time, the front door is opened, inviting in the newness of the new year. Other people eat one grape for each strike of the clock as New Year's Eve turns into the new day...thereby hoping for prosperity and good luck in the coming year.

I like the image these small actions invoke. They remind me of the kiss at midnight that is part of the tradition with which I grew up. Apparently, this practice grew from a custom of holding masked balls on New Year's Eve. Then, at the stroke of midnight, everyone would lift off their masks (representing the removal of evil spirits) and kiss, to admit kinder spirits and purify the new year.

So all this hope and forward-looking leads us back to the idea of New Year's Resolutions. Are they effective? Do people actually stick to them, and do their lives improve as a result? Well, according to some statistics I found, almost half of North American adults make one or more resolutions each year (not necessarily only on January 1). Of those, approximately half maintain the new change for at least six months. Frankly, that's more than I expected.

What I do know is that people who make specific, conscious resolutions -- at any time -- are ten times more likely to reach those goals than people who don't. What's this about? It's about focussing on what you want and injecting your plan with positive thoughts, feelings, and actions. It's about slowing down the usual pace of life and reconsidering habitual patterns. It's about being willing to consider that change is possible...and then being willing to risk reaching away from the known and toward unfamiliar newness.

Though I have never been one to give much credence to New Year's Resolutions, I do believe strongly in hope and the power of conscious change. I doubt that I'll suddenly start making resolutions on January 1, but I am likely to continue being open to possibilities for change when that is right for me. And that might be at any moment of the year.

So for you, and for me, as this new year approaches, I hold out hope and belief that whatever we decide and pay attention to and invest in is what we will get.

Happy New Year & Happy Right Now!!

Climb Every Mountain

2010-12-29T00:07:00.002-05:00

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The other night I watched part of the 1965 movie, The Sound of Music. Its songs have provided me with several pleasant little earworms, such as Climb Ev'ry Mountain by Rodgers and Hammerstein. These words keep soaring through my mind:

Climb ev'ry mountain, ford ev'ry stream,
Follow ev'ry rainbow, 'til you find your dream.

A dream that will need all the love you can give,
Ev'ry day of your life, for as long as you live.

Climb ev'ry mountain, ford ev'ry stream.
Follow ev'ry mountain, 'til you find your dream.

After watching this movie, I reflected on its place in Western history and my own life. As a white, middle-class, post-war baby-boomer, I grew up with optimistic television and "nice" values. Despite being raised and abused by a war-veteran father who I now believe may have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and a nervous homemaker mother, I absorbed the hopeful ideals and views of my time and place. Walt Disney's "...and they lived happily ever after" sums up the ideal pretty well.

By the time I was a young teenager, which is when The Sound of Music film came out, I was a veteran of years of sexual abuse by several people. I needed hope badly. I needed something to believe in, some inspiration to pull me forward into adult life. Songs such as Climb Ev'ry Mountain and the film story that surrounded it provided some of that inspiration.

Somehow I found ways to believe in "happily ever after" for people in general (though not yet for myself). Through music and story, my own feelings were stirred. I came, so slowly, to believe that if I climbed the mountains in front of me I would find my dream. I certainly didn't consciously think in those terms, since I acted like a pretty normal teen, but hindsight reveals my young beliefs to me. I was an idealistic, painfully poetic adolescent and young woman.

But you know what? I recognize today that no matter how hokey those ideals (and the songs and movies that inspired them) may seem to some, they have helped me move forward. They have fueled my dreams. I'm finally old enough to be only slightly embarrassed by my enjoyment of sentimental, sweet stories and songs.

I'm finally old enough to see how music and story help me sing my own life.

What helps you sing your life? Who and what have inspired and shaped you? Make time to notice and savour those gifts. Sing your songs. Craft your dreams. Work out your own rhythm.

Excuses, Excuses...?

2010-12-28T10:57:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Sometimes it's a little hard to tell the difference between making excuses (usually to diminish one's feelings of failure) and explaining oneself out of respect for another's feelings and perceptions.

Today's short little post is somewhere in the middle. I've been away from my blog for eleven days, which is too long. I have the usual string of reasons:

super busy with work
holiday preparations
unexpected events taking an unexpectedly long time to resolve
sickness

So, does anybody care why I've been away from my blog? I don't know. Does anybody notice? I don't know.

But in case you do, and because I do notice and care, I'm writing to say I'm still around. I know that bloggers sometimes lose energy for and interest in their blogs, or their lives simply move on to other pursuits. This little post is here to say that's not the situation with me. Life just really got crazy this fall, and I did my best to balance my obligations -- to others and myself. So I wrote fewer blog posts and did less of other activities I also enjoy in order to maintain the basics. And to sleep at night.

Do I feel like a failure for not keeping up with this blog lately? A tiny bit, yes. But I can live with that because I know it's not true. That's just an old feeling of insecurity rearing its nasty little head, which it does from time to time. Since I used to feel insecure quite often, I consider that to be good progress.

And have I been making excuses in this post? Some would probably say so, but I don't feel like I have. I just felt it was respectful to clarify my status for those who check in with me here. So please keep coming around. I intend to.

Unplugged -- A Journalling Exercise

2010-12-17T08:28:00.001-05:00

Friday, December 17, 2010

This morning I wanted to write a post, but I couldn't think of what to say. I try not to do a lot of blah, blah, blah on here; if I don't have something worth saying, I know it's okay to say nothing.

But...and blah, blah, blah. SO, to get unplugged, as it were, I started some free-flow writing, also called "stream of consciousness" writing. I've used and recommended this technique many times over the years.

In free-flow writing, you put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and just start writing. You don't stop and fix mistakes or try to think of how to say something. You just write whatever comes to mind or heart, without letting the pen/fingers stop.

This simple writing technique clears away confusion and blockages so that clearer thoughts and feelings can surface. Here's what I free-flowed to get started on this post:

I can't seem to zero in on something to write today, but I want to write something, so I'm just going to get started and see what happens and maybe an idea will come to me as i get going even though it seems to be drivel, but now i'm getting an idea to write about a journalling exercise. Ahaaaaa! Got it.

And Bob's your uncle.

Free-flow writing is a useful device any time you feel stuck. Don't know what to write for a school paper? Start with free-flow writing. Can't figure out what you want in a troubled relationship? Free-flow. Just feeling lousy and don't know what's wrong? Set pen to paper and let the words flow until the stuck feeling passes into clarity and you get the Ahaaa! feeling I got at the end of my little free-flow above.

There are only two "rules" for stream of consciousness writing:

1. Don't plan.
2. Once you start writing, don't stop until you feel clearer.

This can take a few lines or several pages. Don't stop to fix mistakes. Don't worry about wording. Just write, write, write. It's amazing how well free-flow works to help us find the answers we already carry within.

Try free-flow. Get unplugged.

4 Helping Books

2010-12-10T17:48:00.003-05:00

Friday, December 10, 2010

Here's a list of books you might find helpful for either holiday-giving or holiday-surviving:

It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted

(New Harbinger Publications. 2007)

This is an interactive book I wrote with my brother, Bill Klatte. Many have found it useful for understanding and improving troublesome relationships. Available from Chapters, Indigo, Barnes & Noble, Schwartz Books, and Amazon, as well as many independent booksellers. Also available in Spanish and Polish.

Why Good People do Bad Things -- Understanding Our Darker Selves, by James Hollis, PhD.

(Gotham Books. 2007)

I've only started this one in the last week, but two good friends vouch for its deep, helpful concepts and its ability to help us work "toward the possibility of greater wholeness." (The quote from the back cover.) They both swear by everything Dr. Hollis writes. This is my first by him. It's very good so far.

I'm having trouble downloading the photos of the next two book covers, so I'll just list them here:

Little Ways to Keep Calm and Carry On (New Harbinger Publications. 2010) by Mark Reinecke. Available from Amazon and other stores. I haven't read this book, but I love the title because I think that many problems and many solutions come in "little ways." I also highly respect New Harbinger Publications.
Women Food and God (Scribner. 2010) by Geneen Roth. This book is sitting on my "hope to read soon" pile. It was placed there by my friend, Beth, who says it's wonderful.

Well, those are the books I want to offer up for the moment. I hope you find something useful in one or more of them.

A Good Kind of Label

2010-12-03T10:17:00.001-05:00

Friday, December 3, 2010

A number of years ago, an acquaintance told me that I had a gift for encouragement. I felt softly surprised by her observation and instantly delighted that she mentioned it, out loud, to me. At the same time, a quiet part of me shyly recognized the truth of her words.

I didn't know that I knew this about myself, but I felt so grateful to her for shining a flashlight of conscious awareness on that inner corner of me. I knew I liked saying positive things to people and offering to help out when I could. People expressed gratitude or happy surprise, and I felt as grateful and delighted at their reactions as I did when I made the offers in the first place.

I had enjoyed this circle of niceness, if you will, for as long as I could remember, but I never thought about it. It's just what I did, and I liked it. My acquaintance's label -- encourager -- brought an important part of myself into sharp focus -- with myself. I knew it matched my previous actions. I knew it matched how I felt inside.

Her comment was one of those things that is a surface surprise to hear
expressed but not a deep surprise to acknowledge. It was like the adage that a teacher's job is to show us what we already know.

This woman's label immediately, and over time, gave me a sense of clear self-knowledge, and it felt excellent. It still does. Being labeled in that way, having a word for that part of me, strengthened my sense of myself and what I'm about. It does not in any way describe my entire self; I think, act and feel in many ways, and they're not all desirable. But nothing I have ever done since that day in the late '80s has ever erased or undone my encourager-self completely.

That is a great, great gift.

This gift feeds itself. Encouraging others feels good. I know it's helpful to them, in however small or seemingly invisible a way. I know this because it's how I feel when someone encourages me. So I keep doing it, and being an encourager becomes a self-fulfilling trait. I feel better. You feel better. Win-Win. Very cool.

What deep inner truths about yourself have you been able to see in your lifetime? Whether the awareness grows gradually or jumps up in a millisecond is immaterial. What matters is that you do carry deep, lovely gifts, and whenever you find them you'll recognize them for the truths they are.

I rarely believe in or espouse guarantees, but here's one I say with no hesitation whatsoever: every single person carries deep, rich substantial Somethings within. Having a name for that trait helps strengthen and deepen and build it.

So often, the world teaches us not to brag, to be humble. Be nice. Don't show off. Well, these messages have some value, but they're confusing and not 100% accurate 100% of the time.

If it helps, keep in mind that the wonderful traits I'm talking about are gifts. Wherever they come from, it's in our power to accept and build on them. Name them. Help them grow. Have a good time with them. Use them.

You'll benefit, and so will everybody on whom you practice.

Word Wonder -- busy

2010-11-26T13:53:00.001-05:00

Friday, November 26, 2010

Today's Word Wonder idea springs from how busy I have been in the past two weeks -- too busy to get even a short post on this blog of mine. It's been crazy, and I realized my lapse provides me with the perfect lead-in to today's post.

busy
1. Actively engaged in something; occupied. 2. Filled with activity; never still. 3. Officiously active; meddling; prying. And the verb form: To make busy; occupy (oneself). [from the Old English (before 1050) bysig, meaning "active"] -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary

This is such a small, common word that it seemed almost pointless to discuss it. But then I thought of all that attaches to the concept of being busy, the stress and hubbub, the satisfaction and productivity. Like many things in which we humans engage, being busy can be good for us and not so good for us.

The word itself is very old. For a long time, keeping busy was not a good thing at all. Close to our modern term "busy-body," it implied that only a fool or a mischievous person was busy. Shakespeare put these words in the mouth of Hamlet in about 1600, as he lamented the dead Polonius' eavesdropping: Thou find'st to be too busy is some danger. Dangerous, indeed. Hamlet had just stabbed him.

In 1633, John Donne chided the sun in these lines:

     Busy old fool, unruly Sun,
     Why dost thou thus
Through windows and through curtains call on us?
Must to thy motions lovers' season run?
     Saucy wretch, go chide
     Late school-boys or sour prentices...

It's possible that only the wealthy and the educated could afford to scorn physical effort, but rich and poor alike seem to have resented the unruly wretch whose nose poked into others' affairs.

A word cousin to busy is "business," which from about 950-1400 was used to express feelings of uneasiness, despair, and anxiety. Over time, the Puritans and others got hold of the word and turned both business and busyness into a virtue. Maybe it was a matter of the "common" folk turning the gentry's view on its ear in the same way that some women have flipped the meaning of "bitch" to mean a woman of power.

In any case, the Puritans started a trend that is entrenched in today's Western society. Check out these common expressions used in various times and places:

"Keeping busy?" -- a common greeting that implies you're happy and valuable if you are
busy as a bee -- used since before Chaucer wrote "For aye as busy as bees been they" in Canterbury Tales (1367)
busy as a bee in a treacle-pot -- used since 1923
busy as a one-armed paperhanger -- from a 1908 story by O. Henry: "Busy as a one-armed man with a nettle rash pasting on wall-paper."
busy -- a detective or policeman, from 1934
get busy -- in use since 1905

So, there you go. For a couple of weeks, I was as busy as a one-armed paperhanger with a nettle rash. It wasn't all stressful because I like my work, and I was helping plan my mother's 90th birthday party and then travelled to get to it.

But I have at times allowed my business and busyness to feel like a virtue, despite my not being any Puritan. At those times, I've often paid for my foolishness by getting sick, acting like a grouch, or doing a poor job...or all of the above.

I plan to keep this post in mind in the future whenever I feel like poking my nose into someone else's business OR being so busy I don't make time for renewing pursuits. There's no future in being a busy old fool like Donne's sun.

Living the Good Life

2010-11-09T00:04:00.002-05:00

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

What does it mean to you to live a good life? Does it mean having health, family? Friends and a job? What about fun and challenges, or time to relax and reflect? Freedom to choose, freedom to live in safety and well-being? Many people might say "yes" to some or all of these aspects of a good life, plus many more experiences and feelings that could be added to the list.

However, for some, such freedoms are a distant, even impossible dream, due to the confining, confounding nature of addiction. Addiction takes many, many forms and is not blocked by wealth, power, education, or physical aptitude.

In recognition of addiction's hold on millions of people, the National Aboriginal Addictions Awareness Week (NAAAW) campaign will run this year from November 14-20.

From the NAAAW website:

NAAAW wishes to "promote an addictions free lifestyle for communities, families and individuals by enabling communities to develop activities which increase knowledge and awareness of addictions and how addictions can be addressed.

We envision a NAAAW celebration every year that is grounded in the empowerment and capacity building of First Nation, Métis and Inuit individuals, families and organizations that will contribute to the creation of positive, safe healthy environments."

Canada's national campaign, National Addictions Awareness Week, runs from November 16-22. From the Minister of Health's message:

"The Government of Canada is pleased to recognize National Addictions Awareness Week. This is a chance for Canadians to enhance their understanding of substance abuse, and raise awareness for individuals suffering from addictions.

'Living the Good Life' is the theme of this year’s campaign, which highlights the importance of building and renewing positive relationships within our families, our communities, and our natural environment to promote good health and a life free of addiction.

What are you doing to learn about addictions? Do you understand? Support? Condemn? It's probable that most or all of us know someone who has an addiction to alcohol, other drugs, sex, food, work, gambling or something else.

I encourage you to think about what you can do next week, and in the weeks and months to come, to learn about and do something helpful to relieve addiction. Somehow, somewhere...it can be done.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

2010-11-08T00:04:00.001-05:00

Monday, November 8, 2010

Today is my mother's 90th birthday. She was born when the Roaring Twenties were born, and she grew as the Great Depression grew. The youngest of four children, my mother, Jayne, was a lively, adventurous child.

Jayne was -- and still is -- a gifted artist. Her paintings hang on various family member's walls. We enjoy her family portraits, still lifes, and scenes from family trips. We cuddle under the afghans she's knitted and laugh at old photos of us in the outfits she has sewn for us over the years.

She's real and normal. She wasn't always patient and didn't always give us what we wanted or needed. I definitely didn't always like her. But my mother did her best, and she has always stuck by us. She cooked and cleaned and led our scout packs. She sewed our costumes for Halloween and baked her delicious coffee cake every Christmas morning. Mom has always believed in her family, and that is a gift for which I will always be grateful.

Here's a poem she wrote to every family member in 1988, when she was only 78:

When I look at the future,
and a year soon to end,
I tried hard to think of
what message to send.

Each one of you runs through my
life like a song,
like music and words
as the years move along.

We have all laughed together,
we've ben happy and glad.
We've had shoulders to cry on
when things were so sad.

I've been grandmother, mother,
friend, sister and wife,
daughter, cousin and aunt, and
each day of my life...
Has been wrapped up with you,
and I'm happy to say
that we all have each other
every step of the way.

Happy Birthday, Mom! You run through my life like a song. I'm glad we've both lived long enough to sing together.

Sticking My Neck Out

2010-10-26T22:16:00.000-04:00

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Here's my brother, Bill, agreeing that keeping a blog might be a risky business...

When I started this blog about a year ago, I decided to try it for one year and see what happened. Would I enjoy writing it and keeping up with it? Would I be able to keep up with it? Would anybody come by, read, comment?
Well, I've discovered that I love blogging. The combination of writing for others and also for myself is turning out to be a pleasure I didn't expect. And despite dry spells and serious life challenges, I'm still here.

So today I decided to add a counter to the blog in order to see how many people stop by. Up to now, having a counter has felt like a risky thing to do -- as risky as starting the blog did last year. What if only ten people found me here? How awful would that feel? Yikes. Vulnerable.

But as my partner, Dan, reminded me today, I write because I love to write. I offer support and love and ideas because I love doing that, too. Several people have told me they really enjoy the blog, so why not stick my neck out and check the numbers? I blog because I love it and it's helping somebody, so whatever the numbers, I have no intention of stopping any time soon.

I keep learning ways to promote the blog so more people can benefit from and contribute to what I hope continues developing as a dialogue about healing, relationships, and personal growth. I appreciate the post suggestions I've been getting, and I'm always open to more.

So, join me here any time you like...we're all Number 1's, if you ask me. And if you want to help boost the numbers by telling your friends and family...excellent.

And here's Bill reassuring me it is worth the risk.

Just kidding. We were only fooling around at the photographer's
and I've always wanted to find a way to use the silly pix.
TTFN

Vote Tonight! Theo & Jaime -- Raising Awareness

2010-10-24T00:24:00.002-04:00

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Theo Fleury and Jaimie Sale in the Battle of the Blades.

Yesterday I wrote about Theoren Fleury, a former member of the National Hockey League (NHL). His strong advocacy work to raise awareness about childhood sexual abuse and to change laws that affect it has lead to his participation in the Battle of the Blades.

Take a look at this information I copied from The Men's Project website:

The Men's Project is proud to be part of Battle of the Blades. We have been selected by Jamie Salé and Theo Fleury as their charity of choice.

So, go ahead. Watch the skating or simply vote for a pair of skaters who believe in helping survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Here's a situation where your vote really does matter.

Watch CBC on Sunday, October 24th at 8:00 p.m. ET to see their performance and keep them in the game! The Live Elimination will happen on Monday, October 25th at 8:00 p.m.

You can vote for Jamie and Theo a number of ways:

- Vote Online: www.cbc.ca/battle
- Vote Via Phone: Dial 877-844-8158
- Vote Via Text: Please note that each text costs users 15 cents but all proceeds after carrier charges will go to the the charity. Text 58 to 777111

You can text 50 times per voting window, vote online 25 times per person, per hour, or vote by telephone an unlimited number of times.

Canadians can vote after the Sunday performance show from 7:00 p.m. ET to 2:00 a.m. ET.

Your vote matters! The winning pair donates $100,000 to their chosen charity and all other pairs win $25,000 to give to their chosen charity.

Theo Fleury on Sexual Abuse

2010-10-23T14:23:00.000-04:00

Saturday, October 24, 2010

The other night I went to hear Theoren Fleury speak about his life. Theo played hockey in the National Hockey League (NHL) for a number of years, and he did speak briefly about that part of his life.

However, Theo spoke primarily about the devastating affect sexual abuse had on his life and the healing work he's done in recent years. Roaming calmly back and forth across the stage, Theo talked with confidence and, at times, intensity about his experiences of abuse, addiction, healing, and recovery.

From what I've read in his book and what I heard the other night, I would guess that for Theo, being sexually abused by his hockey coach was probably one of the worst betrayals he could have experienced. Theo had been passionate, determined, and intently focused on hockey as a boy. He spoke of how hockey filled his mind and life when he was young. So, to begin finding recognition and success in his beloved sport, and then to be sexually abused by his coach, must have sent that young boy reeling into confusion, terror, and despair.

These are common reactions to childhood sexual abuse, and Theo conveyed the impact of his experiences with power, honesty, and serenity -- evidence of the great amount of work he has done to help himself and to reach out to others.

I admire and commend Theo for speaking so openly and publicly about his struggles and his glories along the healing road. I appreciated the straightforward, real way in which he talked with the audience. His air of gratitude and comfort in his own skin felt real and natural. We could all have been sitting around his kitchen table having a cup of coffee together.

If you'd like to know more about Theo's powerful advocacy regarding sexual abuse, click here to check out his website, http://www.theofleury14.com/. Read about his energetic work on behalf of other children who have been and are being sexually abused. On Theo's website you'll find links to several organizations, two of which I list here:

The Men's Project: "... a non-profit charitable men's counselling agency that has been providing services to men and their families since 1997. The Men's Project provides individual and couple counselling, as well as a specialized healing program for men who have experienced sexual or physical abuse as children, anger management, emotional intelligence, and fathering."
1 in 6: "...To help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives. This includes providing resources for people who care about them."

If you were sexually abused as a child, perhaps reading Theo's book or checking out his website will help you. And I want to tell you:

It was not your fault. Period.

You don't have to carry your feelings & memories alone; help is available.

Unfortunately, many children get abused sexually, but healing is truly, absolutely possible.

Theo Fleury and I are two examples of that truth.

Please, ask someone for help. Read some books. Click here to read my other blog posts about sexual abuse.

Life can be better.

One of them
I read Theo's book a few months ago

Word Wonder -- listen

2010-10-17T00:17:00.022-04:00

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Earlier this week, a friend asked me to write about the word "listen," saying she thought the Universe was telling her to do more of it. That seemed like a good idea, and two ideas came to me. First, I did my follow-the-bread-crumbs brainstorm about listening. I thought of phrases and words that have, or seem to have, something to do with listening :

Listen to your elders.
"Friends, Romans, countrymen...lend me your ear."
Listen to your heart. Listen to your body.
Stop, look, and listen before you cross the road.
Listen up, people!
Hearing is not necessarily the same as listening.
"Listen, my friends, and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere."
Listen to your father!
Mom, mom! Listen to this!!
Can't you ever listen to what I'm saying!?
sounds of silence
"He who has ears to hear, let him hear."
list to starboard
enlist
listless
bucket list, shopping list, gratitude list, To Do list

These phrases from literature and everyday life stirred a range of images and feelings in me. My seventh grade teacher used to raise her voice over the din of our pre-adolescent cacophony and proclaim, "Listen up, people!" She was prone to pitching text books at the heads of those she felt had broken the rules, so we generally listened up pretty quickly.

Then there's "listing to starboard." I know approximately zero about boats, but I think this phrase suggests rocking, rolling waves that violently tip seafaring vessels and their passengers sideways...maybe towards the starboard side? Anyway, to me listing has always meant stumbling or pitching at dangerous angles. I'll look it up in a minute to see if I'm in the right neighbourhood.

In any case, if listing has something to do with leaning, then listening could have something to do with leaning forward to pay close attention to another's words. And enlisting could have to do with coming forward to have one's name put on a list, perhaps a list of soldiers. So, now, to the dictionary...

listen

1. To make conscious use of the sense of hearing; be attentive in order to hear. 2. To pay attention; give heed. 3. To be influenced or persuaded. [From the Old English word hlysnan, which was related to another Old English word hlyst, meaning "hearing."] -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary

Well, it turns out I was way off base on the connection among listen, list, and enlist, though I was right about the meaning of "list." Ah, well...I had fun. In any case, I do like the words "conscious use of the sense of hearing" and being "attentive." To me this means listening with every part of ourselves so we can participate as fully as possible. Few of us are taught this skill, but it's well worth learning. In classes and workshops I teach, I talk about active listening in which the listener is as involved and aware as the speaker.

To me, active listening also means paying attention to my own inner voice and the voices of nature, mystery, and experience. To do this, I have to slow down and "smell the coffee."

Stop doing. Stop talking. Stop moving and planning. Just be. Here. Now. ...........Listen.

My second idea about this post was to listen to what others had to say about listening. So, I posted the question on my Facebook page the other day, and here's what several people had to say about listening:

Sam:

Nature. Listening to nature. That is my tranquilizer. When my head is spinning, or even if I’m in a calm mood, I listen to nature. I remind myself to just sit, think for the moment, be in the moment.

It can be on my deck with my morning coffee, feeling the morning’s sun rays warming my skin. I close my eyes. It starts with the birds, listening to each one with their singing, chirping and cawing. Then the breeze, listening as it rustles the leaves on the trees. Bees pollinating the flowers. A dog barking in the distance. I focus on these, shutting out the rest of the world and give thanks that I am able to hear these little sounds.

It’s a pleasure denied by the unhearing. (My Grandfather became deaf in his later years and often wrote to me how he missed his hearing, especially the birds that visited his garden)

Vicki:

After six days of listening to the roar of an aircraft....I stood still this afternoon and listened to the wind. The sound is amazing.
I love the wind and all the melodies it creates.

Cherity:

i listened to my daughter's eyes...she spoke through with such wisdom and deep feeling...lol even though she can't talk, being only but 3 months old.....she really did talk volumes and i listened with all my heart!

Terry:
A thought about listening. Listening is feedback and without feedback there is no course correction or appreciation. One thing that is certain is that if you are missing the feedback the feedback will usually become a little stronger or louder until hopefully you are listening.

When we practice the skill of listening, we are rewarded. When we share the gift of listening with others, they are rewarded, too. Thanks for asking, Ellen.Wind and wisdom, birds and babies. Feedback to help with personal growth. I also love listening to the wind and the birds. I'm reminded that the inner calm which accompanies deep listening feeds me at many levels. I'm reminded of the strength and stillness being offered on the wind and in the eyes of infants who are still so close to the beginning of their time here.

Connected -- a journal exercise

2010-10-14T00:18:00.000-04:00

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Here's a writing exercise that can foster feelings of connectedness:

Sit in a quiet place with your computer or a notebook and pen. Write your response to each of the following:

Something I am.
Something I do.
Something I give.
Something I receive.

Now pay attention to where you are. Write about who might have walked where you walk, sat where you sit right now.

Listen to their voices. What is their message? Is there any connection between that message and what you are, what you do, what you give and receive?

Write or draw or doodle whatever comes to you.

A Perfect 10

2010-10-10T00:04:00.001-04:00

Sunday, October 10, 2010 (10-10-10...cool -- and no mistake)

The other day I wrote a post thinking it was October 10. I'm not sure what calendar I was looking at, but it sure wasn't the right one.

So today is the tenth day of the tenth month of the tenth year in the century, and I just think things like that are neat. One time I woke up at 4:44 a.m. and had a powerful experience, and that time has stayed in my mind as special ever since.

My parents were married on 4-6-46, which makes it easy to remember their anniversary. I don't know if I was a numerologist in a former life or something, but numeric neatness is fun to me.

These little oddities make us more interesting, in my opinion. Sometimes others think we're weird because of them, but that's okay. They probably do something weird, too...which can make them more interesting, as well.

So take a look at yourself and those around you. What little quirks do you find? Do you find them to be annoying? Funny? Cool? I recommend enjoying the little oddities. They're the gag-candles that won't go out on the birthday cake, the whoopie in your cushion.

Have some fun! Grab onto your oddities and have a giggle. Life's too interesting to let it get boring.

Word Wonder -- depression

2010-10-08T11:47:00.002-04:00

Friday, October 8, 2010

depression
2. Low spirits or vitality; dejection; melancholy. 3. A low or depressed place or surface; a hollow. 7. A deep dejection of spirit characterized by withdrawal, lack of response to stimulation, etc. [From the ancient Indo-European root per-, meaning "to strike." The word "depression" comes from "depress," which stems from the Old French depresser and the Latin deprimere: de- meaning "down" + primere meaning "to press."] -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary and Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition.

To press down. Dejection. Hollow. These words certainly describe depression. It can strike as if from nowhere, or it can follow terrible life events. The stricken person feels a weight pressing down on the chest. Emptiness and lethargy make even the simplest movements difficult. Staring into space or sleeping through the day can seem like the only available choices. Heaviness prevails.

When it feels like one's very life force has turned to sludge or, worse, vanished altogether, "doing" is out of reach. Existing is a challenge. Enduring best describes how the minutes and hours crawl by, and one's surroundings become irrelevant.

Some do not survive the morass of depression. I don't know why. Some do, but I don't know why that is, either. What I do know is that during depression, a beautiful day feels like an insult and that after depression, similar beauty feels like a gift. Dispirited becomes re-spirited. I don't know why, but I have learned that "why?" is often a pointless, even damaging question.

I have heard some people say that during bad times their spirit left them. They lost their spirit, their connection with their Source. I haven't found that to be the case for me. I have definitely felt lost in empty, hollow depression; but for a long time, no matter how I've felt, I have believed that while we may forget about or lose the feeling of our Spirit, we cannot truly lose it, whatever "Spirit" may actually be. If we could lose it, how could it be Spirit? Just doesn't make sense to me.

However, depression does make it easier to forget. It makes it hard to care. Maybe the connection seems to be buried in sadness, grief, despair, or fear, but I do not believe Spirit can be lost. And if that's true, then no pit is actually bottomless, no darkness complete. My pits have sometimes felt enormous, and my dark times have been frightening, but I refuse to believe in their absoluteness.

I guess that's the point for me, once again. I have a choice in what I think and believe. I can, and do, apply logic and hope and emotion equally to the task. I look to my body to give me clues. One time I said to someone who was criticizing my beliefs, "Well, I could definitely be wrong. But I choose to spend my life following ideas that encourage me to be a better me."

I'm grateful that at tough times in my own life, heaviness has always passed back into brightness. I trust it will do so again, and I hope it will for you, too.

Word Wonder -- companion

2010-09-28T11:49:00.001-04:00

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

companion
1. one who accompanies another or others; a comrade; associate. [from the Middle English compainoun, which comes from the Old French compagnon, which comes from the Latin companio. The Latin word is thought to come from a Germanic word akin to the Goth (a German warring tribe) gahlaiba, companion or fellow soldier, which, in turn, comes from the Old High German galeipo, companion. Made from com, meaning "together" and panis, meaning "bread"] -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary and Webster's Dictionary of Word Origins

Picture a group of people standing and seated in a circle. Vessels of wine and water, flour and cheese are in evidence. Laughter enlivens the scene with friendly conversation and teasing.

These companions could be sitting around a fire, their weapons at the ready and helmets scattered on the ground. Or they could be standing around a modern table, as ready with cutting board and knives as their predecessors were with sticks upon which to roast their meat and bread.

Mark, Lucas, Ashlee, Annie, Anthony

My companions this past weekend welcomed me into their circle to enjoy gnocchi and chicken cutlets prepared by Anthony and Annie. My son and I, along with hosts Ashlee and Mark, learned how to knead the dough and then shape it by rolling it off a fork. We laughed a lot at each other's lumpy results (though Ashlee takes the prize for the best-ridged ones).

What prompted me to write this post was the companionable, relaxed feeling throughout all of Friday evening. Annie and Anthony took their time kneading and rolling the dough, trimming and coating the cutlets. No one was in a hurry, no one had to be somewhere else. Everyone's serene pace seeped into my weary bones and reached the core of me with nearly-forgotten softness and peace.

This group of friends demonstrated the exact meaning of the word "companion" -- that of breaking bread together. Though they haven't known each other for long, it looks like they're discovering fine friends in one another. They laugh and work and play together, in various combinations. On Friday, their mutual respect was evident in the kindness and appreciation shown in all sorts of ways.

Some of my warm appreciation probably comes from the stressed condition in which I arrived. But most of it comes from seeing and experiencing companionship in action Friday night and all weekend. It was wonderful to recharge my batteries in such good company, and I'm grateful.

To fully appreciate the depth of meaning in the word "companion," look at the list of modern words that are related through their ancient root, pā- (which means " to protect, feed"):

fodder, forage, fur, pabulum, food, feed, foster, pasture, antipasto, repast, pastor, pantry, companion, and company.

If you're reading this in a state of overload or even desperation, I encourage you to make time to recharge. Whether in solitude or with caring companions, whether breaking bread or not, please allow yourself the balm of deep relaxation. Be a companion to yourself and others.

System Repair

2010-09-21T10:47:00.000-04:00

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Last night I got set to do some prep for the courses I'm teaching, and I was feeling a little under the gun, as they say. I sat down, all ready to put in an hour before heading out to a meeting...and my laptop would not start. It had already not started twice before supper, so I'd turned it off to rest and rejuvenate itself. Apparently it didn't help. I was most unhappy.

So this morning, tired and cranky, I held my breath, crossed my fingers, and made a heartfelt request to the Computer Gods: "Please, please, let my laptop work this morning. I really need it." (Translation: I am feeling really needy right now.)

I got myself into the best attitude of belief and positive energy that I could muster. It was rather thin, but it was the best I could do. Opened the lid. Pushed the power button. Saw nothing but black. Again. Then...be still my heart...flashes of light blue, action in the idiot lights, and hope in my heart.

A dialogue box came up. It was called, "System Repair." Oh, blessed, blessed System Repair! I'd never seen such a thing before, but here it was, offering me hope. My little silver laptop began trying to repair itself. It made no promises, but it tried.

As the little blue bar scurried along its path, doing the best it could, I realized I already felt better just knowing my laptop had such a function. And -- personal-growth-cosmic-moment-alert -- I realized I have system repair functions, too.

My body forms scabs and scars when I have a cut. I don't have colds for longer than a week.

When I get too busy and feel pressured so that it's hard to sleep or smile or enjoy anything, my mind finds ways to cope and, in time, slow down. I don't stay utterly crazy eternally.

My emotions self-heal, too. I don't stay irritable or sad forever and ever. I look for and find reasons to be grateful when I'm down in the dumps. I believe in my friends and family most of the time, and this helps me move on from relationship glitches.

So, while my laptop did its thing, I did mine. I decided to notice and say thanks to the Computer and Cosmic Gods for system repair functions of all sorts. Which brings me to this blog post and feelings less stormy and grey than they were before.

Thanks. Miigwetch. Merci. Gracias.

Checking in...

2010-09-14T17:11:00.000-04:00

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

It's hard to believe I haven't posted for a week. I've been planning two courses I'll be teaching this semester, and since I just got the resources last week, I'm fitting it all into one week. Busy but do-able. I'm looking forward to the teaching and want to be ready for Day 1. I'll be back soon with another post.

In the meantime, feel free to check out some of my earlier posts. You can do this in four ways:

Look for a topic in the alphabetical list of labels on the right side of your screen. When you find one that interests you, click on it, and you'll be taken to that post.
Type a topic or name in the Search box at the very top of the blog page. Then click Search.
Click on a date in the Blog Archive section on the right side of your screen. From there you can choose a blog post title that appeals to you.
Or, just meander down this page. Read whatever interests you, and then you can click on the Older Posts link at the bottom of the page, and you'll find lots more.

I hope you enjoy your little tour of my blog. I'd love it if you'd leave a comment after any post that interests or bothers you. Feedback is so great for bloggers and for blog followers. And writing out your thoughts might just be good for you, too.

Take care.

It wasn't your fault

2010-09-06T18:51:00.000-04:00

Monday, September 6, 2010

Sometimes a message is short and simple:
If you were abused in any way as a child, it was not your fault.
Though abusers want child victims to feel guilty and ashamed, it is always the adult who is responsible for the abuse.

If you would like to read more of my posts about abuse or find other resources, click here and here.

Helping Books

2010-09-04T00:30:00.001-04:00

Saturday, September 2, 2010

New Harbinger Publications is a publishing house in California. I value them not only because they published my first book (It's So Hard to Love You) but because they offer so many helpful resources.

Here's a list of a few of their new books from the past few months. Click on a title to go directly to its page on New Harbinger's website.

May you find something here to help you or someone you know.

Reinventing Ourselves

2010-09-02T17:06:00.002-04:00

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Last week I had a chance to visit with my good high school friend, Sandi, and her husband, Terry Bunker. Since they live in Las Vegas, and I live in Canada, it's a treat to manage a visit once a year.

Terry and Sandi spent their working years as a marriage and family therapist (Terry) and an ESL teacher (Sandi). They combined those careers with raising six children and, somehow, maintaining several investment properties. On the eve of retirement, my friends found themselves in a new and challenging position -- that of accepting responsibility for raising four of their young grandchildren.

This has meant starting up again in the career department...and the personal energy department and the thoughts-about-their-future department. It has meant realigning their dreams with their reality. It has meant feeling at peace about this new direction of their lives, despite the challenges. Maybe because of the challenges. I respect my friends for taking this step with grace and clarity. I admire their positive outlook and the calm, loving care that is evidenced in these good natured children.

Sandi and Terry are reinventing themselves. Did they plan to? No. Are they finding benefits and blessings in their new life? Yes. And that is the point of my musings today.

It's so common for our plans to go awry -- job changes, having to move, death of a loved one, changing relationships, illness or injury, and more.

The unexpected happens because we can't predict everything around us; because we don't plan enough or we plan too much; because we change our minds; because we can't control other people; etc. But the unexpected parts of change do not have to be a problem or a struggle. Most of us need time (and maybe help) to adjust; that's human. But we can choose how we view change. We can choose to use it as a chance to reinvent ourselves.

My friends are doing this. I have done this. You probably have, too. Instead of focussing only on the losses that accompany change, we can focus on the gains. Think of it as a three-part process: 1) Evaluate the Change & the Losses 2) Focus on the Gains 3) Do Whatever You Can to Move Forward.

To use this process, ask yourself a few questions and answer them as thoroughly and deeply as you can. Writing and talking about the questions and your answers can help.

Evaluate the Change & the Losses

What is the change that has happened to me?
What will now be different as a result of the change?
What don't I like about the change/what do I lose because of it?
What could I do to accept the change and losses?
What gains can I see as a result of the change?

Focus on the Gains

What are all the gains I see now?
How do I feel about these gains?
What can I do to make the most of each gain?

Do Whatever You Can to Move Forward

Can I feel and express gratitude for what I had before the change?
Can I feel and express gratitude, even a tiny bit, for the change and for the gains I now see?
What actions will I take to make the most of each gain?

Change permeates life. We don't always anticipate or like those changes, but it is certainly in our power to pick ourselves up and move forward. So go ahead. Reinvent yourself, whether you consciously decide to make the change or it jumps up and bites you in the rear end.

Defeat may serve as well as victory
To shake the soul and let the glory out.

--Edwin Markham, 1852-1940

Meet a Lively, Helpful Blogger

2010-08-27T09:07:00.000-04:00

Friday, August 27, 2010

Where I live, it takes nine or ten hours to catch a movie. The other day, three women friends and I decided to get off the rock and see how well Julia Roberts would bring off the movie Eat, Pray, Love. Two hours to drive to the city, about three hours for the movie, and two or three more for a meal and stops for errands and city-coffee, then two more hours to get home. Fun, but we sure don't do it very often.

One of the women I'd met only once, and I'm really glad I got to know her better on our movie jaunt. Why? Because Christine is a woman who knows how to have fun, work hard and live her life in meaningful and positive ways. She's an ESL (English as a second language) teacher, a writer, mother and wife. And that's just the stuff I know about.

As we were getting acquainted, I learned that she has a blog, too -- actually two or three of them. Her main blog is called Random Thoughts and Musings from the Island -- Just a bunch of ramblings from a city girl gone country. Christine writes about her adjustments as she moved from Toronto to marry a beef farmer and live on a backroad of our beautiful island. She writes about her risk-laden pregnancy, the birth of their daughter three months early, and two months' worth of life in the NICU. She includes tasty recipes, too.

Everything I liked about Christine when we spent our movie day together comes through in her blog. She's real. She's lively and smart and funny. Without being a navel-gazer (which I certainly am at times), she manages to convey the challenges and the joys in her life in a straightforward way. Like many before her, she took on the major changes required to move from a big city to our small rural community...and she has done so with flare.

If you'd like to hear from another passionate Manitoulin Island resident, a young woman who loves family and friends, then check out Christine's blog: Random Thoughts and Musings from the Island -- Just a bunch of ramblings from a city girl gone country.

Word Wonder -- serendipity

2010-08-23T09:43:00.000-04:00

Monday, August 23, 2010

serendipity

The faculty of happening upon fortunate discoveries when not in search of them. -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary

"Serendipity" is one of my favourite words to say and one of my favourite surprises to encounter. It moves around in my mouth and my life in such wonderful ways. Until I decided to write about it here, I'd assumed the word was related somehow to "serene" or "serenade," but it isn't.

It was actually coined and then written for the first time by Horace Walpole in 1754. In a letter to Horace Mann, Walpole described his new word and where he got the idea for it. He told Mann about a 16th Century Persian story called The Three Princes of Serendip in which the king sent his royal sons on a journey. Along the way the brothers "were always making discoveries, by accident and sagacity, of things they were not in quest of.”

The word has proven so useful and descriptive of common experience that it has been absorbed into many languages. I've experienced serendipity many times myself, and I love the feeling!

One thing I like about Walpole's original definition is that it included not only a happy accident but sagacity, which means "shrewdness and wisdom." That adds a dimension to serendipity I hadn't thought of before.

The happy accident part means that when I'm headed toward a destination with some, or no, goal in mind, I might happen upon unexpected bonuses or brand new discoveries.

The sagacity part means that I would use wisdom and good judgment to string together the factors I already understand with the unexpected treasure.

Here's a small example: One time I was making potato salad and realized, after everything was ready and company was coming and I couldn't get to the store, that I didn't have enough mayonnaise. Groan... But then I saw some plain yogurt in the fridge and thought I'd try that. The sagacity part of this homely event was reasoning that since yogurt and mayo are both creamy white substances, the yogurt might be a decent substitute. The happy accident part was that the combination tasted great and was lower in fat than it would have been if I'd used only mayonnaise. Serendipity!

A bigger example: I was once asked to facilitate a micro-employment program. The job offer came at a good time for me, and I was looking forward to doing the work. The happy accident part came when I learned that I'd be co-facilitating with a former colleague I really liked and respected. The sagacity part came after the end of the program when I evaluated a number of factors and accepted the opportunity to expand our great working relationship into a personal relationship that is still solid and happy ten years later. Marvelous serendipity!

Look around you. Open your heart and mind to serendipity -- happy accidents blended with wisdom and good judgment. Notice and be grateful for all the lovely happenings that are possible for you.

Don't Abandon Yourself

2010-08-14T16:21:00.000-04:00

Saturday, August 14, 2010

First I apologize to my followers and random-finders for taking so long between posts this month! If you're still checking back, I want to tell you how much I appreciate that. And of course, I hope you'll continue.

Today I want to talk about something I learned this morning from a wonderful young friend of mine, Kerry. We were talking about relationships and personal choices and other good stuff. She used an expression I'd never heard but instantly loved: Don't abandon yourself.

We often hear recommendations like: Take care of yourself. Listen to your inner voice. I say things like that to myself and others, so I obviously believe in such concepts. But "don't abandon yourself"?

Here are some ways I see this affirmation playing out for me:

When I'm feeling intimidated by another person, I can remind myself that we are both equally loved, loving and lovable. I can choose whatever I need to to lovingly act on that reminder.
If I feel like I have less value than another person, I don't have to give in to that fearful belief. I don't need to give up on myself or give in to old thinking.
Sometimes I feel tempted to copy the way someone else does something, even though it doesn't feel right to me. By not abandoning myself in that situation, I would remember to trust my own ways and feelings first. Then, if the other person's method can provide a useful example, I may choose to follow it or adapt it, but not because he or she is better than I am.

I have a feeling that as time goes along this new saying will deepen for me and show up in useful ways. I hope it does for you, too.

It'll Come Out Okay

2010-08-02T16:30:00.001-04:00

Monday, August 2, 2010

This weekend has been a busy and fun one because our house was filled with visiting family members -- lots of laughs, conversations, walks and outings. During one of those conversations with my brother-in-law, we moved into the territory of family relationships and other close ties, as he and I like to do. We discussed ways in which tensions can build and explode as well as some less hurtful ways of dealing with those tensions.

Having published a book about difficult close relationships, I sometimes unconsciously (and often consciously) expect myself to respond in the best possible ways at all times and in all situations. As if I know what's best. As if anyone could do that, even if they did know what's best.

So talking with my brother-in-law did, as it usually does, enlighten and lighten me. Here's how he did it this time.

We were talking about a troublesome situation with some people we know, a situation that's been going up and down for quite a while. What happens sometimes affects the two of us directly and sometimes doesn't, but it's generally difficult to witness. At one point he said to me, "It'll come out okay." My immediate internal reaction was, Don't think so.

After a while he talked some more about his optimistic opinion and, fortunately, I was able to hear him with a more open heart and mind this time. It felt like a little tiny door opened up inside me, and I was able to let go of the pessimism that had crept into my thinking. I felt better, and though I have no idea if he's right or not -- it might or might not come out okay -- something of value happened there.

I was reminded that even though I am generally a positive, hopeful, helpful person, I make negative judgements against others. I sometimes assume I know how things should turn out and what people should do or stop doing. Finally recognizing that I don't know all the factors or what's in other people's hearts and minds, I became more able to let go of the outcome.

Stuff like this is great (even though I don't like it when it's happening), because it gives me opportunities to walk my talk, which strengthens my own emotional and attitudinal "muscles." My talk often revolves around people's struggles with relationships and with ourselves. I advocate open-mindedness and open-heartedness and letting go of what we can't control. I co-wrote a book called It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted, so if what I write and talk about means anything, I'd better be willing to apply it in my own life.

My brother-in-law's gentle words helped me to do that this morning. I was reminded that it will, in fact, come out okay...even if I don't like or control the outcome. I hope it means greater happiness for unhappy people and clearer thinking in muddy situations, but that's not mine to decide. I can choose, and I do, to enjoy my renewed freedom from resentment and a desire to control others. That enjoyment, in turn, frees me to enjoy my day, mentally get off somebody else's case, and do the best I can for now.

Now, that's walking my talk. Thanks, Bro.

Silence is...golden and deep

2010-07-28T22:43:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A number of years ago I attended a weekend retreat for women. On the first night, after supper, we were told that we would all spend the evening and the night in silence. I had never done anything like that, but I was intrigued.

It was a strange and lovely time. About fifty women of all ages moving around, sitting together, reading, writing, drawing...but not talking. The beauty and power of those hours stayed with me.

Then a few years ago, I offered two retreats for women, and both of them included periods of silence. Every woman who attended said those times were easier than she'd expected them to be. They also agreed that the silence was gentle and strong and almost tangible. Women wrote and sat together, sewed, walked.

The silence surrounded and filled us, and it soon became like a wonderful friend whose presence is welcome and comforting. I encourage you to find ways to take part in communal silence, even for just an evening or a day. You may be surprised at what you find there.

During the last afternoon, I wrote the following poem to express how the silence and the weekend felt to me.

Silent Treat

Silence settles around us – a shawl,
surrounding us with such substance,
i am almost surprised i can’t see it.
Tangible,
Soft containment.
Limitless.

Impossibly silken fog becomes the air we breathe,
and within which we grow --
heal and rest.
Listen

Souls planted firmly on the ground,
arms reach for wind and rain and sun.

Silence settles within us…
Within.
Us.

To find our Selves.
Each lowered i rises,
is
here
now…
becomes we...

We descend into silence
and become.

Word Wonder -- stout

2010-07-24T11:46:00.001-04:00

Saturday, July 24, 2010

stout
1. Strong or firm of structure or material; sound; tough. 2. Determined; resolute. 3. Fat; bulky; thickset. 4 Substantial; solid. 5. Having muscular strength; robust. 6. Proud; stubborn.

Last night I went for the second time to a local community theatre's production of Iolanthe, one of many works created by the British musical team of Gilbert and Sullivan in the late 1800s. Afterwards I asked my actor friend, Peter, to explain the meaning of a particular gesture one character had made during the performance; I hadn't been able to figure out what it was supposed to mean either time I saw it. He told me the gesture was meant to contribute to that scene's song about a character who had once been stout but was now virtually wasting away because of unrequited love.

This led us into a chat about the multiple meanings of the word "stout," and I, unable to resist word etymology, looked it up this morning. You've read most of its various meanings above. And, so, why am I writing about it in this blog? Because of its third meaning: fat.

In many circles, those who are fat, stout, thickset are considered to be of less value than those who are not. Some would protest that I'm exaggerating, but I really don't think so. If fatness were considered to be preferable, or even acceptable, stout women would adorn the covers of fashion magazines and freelance writers would get rich writing articles entitled "Gain 10 Pounds in Time for Christmas" and "5 Recipes to Ensure the Chunky-Bikini Look." Or how about, "Fat Men I Have Loved"?

I am not talking about the recognized health risks of being much overweight. I'm talking about the social and economic taboos against fat that permeate North American (and other?) thinking. I'm talking about women, men and teens who place tight bodies on mental and emotional pedestals. I'm talking about the preference for thin receptionists and CEOs, especially if they're female.

I am talking about pre-pubescent girls who go on diets so they'll be accepted and boys and men who masturbate while looking at pictures of naked, curvaceous, fat-free women and men. Chubby is unacceptable. And, by extension, the person who is chubby is deemed to be unacceptable.

But as I read the definitions above and mused about the range of meanings for "stout," I imagined a community in a time and place in which many people were poor and, therefore, malnourished and thin. They worked hard and died early of diseases related to poverty. A stout house, one made of substantial materials, was something to be cherished. Stout friends, those who were determined to help in times of trouble, were essential and appreciated. A stout, robust horse or cow was a prized possession.

Imagine now the few wealthy citizens in that community -- well-fed and having better medical care. They tended not to be so thin, and their physical well-being might have been seen to accompany their stubborn, proud, resolute ways. And so, being stout could also have come to mean "fat" as proof of one's wealth and position in society. It is certainly true that in some cultures and times, a man is/was considered to be a "real man" if his wife is/was fat, proving him to be a good hunter and provider.

So, given that perceptions about body size are influenced by external conditions, I urge you to reevaluate your own ideas about size. Do we need to be brainwashed by magazine covers and movie stars striding along red carpets? We don't if we're willing to reconsider what we've been taught.

Does anyone know a wonderful, loving, intelligent person who is overweight? Of course. Have overweight people ever looked attractive or raised happy, responsible children? Obviously.

The place to start is to look at our own attitudes to stoutness. Do you think fat is ugly? Would you rather go out with a thin person than a heavy person, without getting to know him or her? Do you laugh at "fat jokes?" Have you ever looked in the mirror after a shower and felt disgusted or ugly because of cellulite or a roll in the middle?

These responses are learned. They are not "right" or "wrong." They are the results of conditioning, and they can be changed. You can change your own subtle, "subterranean" feelings about beauty and worth.

My intention with Word Wonders is to encourage us to rethink our assumptions. Be a stout individual -- one who is determined and resolute in your determination to examine deep-lying attitudes. Being physically stout does not have to negatively define anyone, but it will as long as we let it do so.

Website for Sexual Abuse Survivors

2010-07-22T16:26:00.000-04:00

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I have recently learned about a website dedicated to "Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) Working Together To Heal, Recover, and Enact Change and Understanding to Confront the Effects of CSA Throughout An Adult's Life."

The website is hosted by the Let Go...Let Peace Come In Foundation (click here to visit the site), which is based in the United States but aims to reach survivors all over the world. Their mission statement reads:

The mission of Let Go, Let Peace Come In is to bring healing, support, and awareness to the hundreds of millions of adult childhood sexual abuse survivors and their families worldwide. We plan to enact change within the healthcare systems, political systems, and societies by teaching and educating through the current technologies. We will weave our message of peace, hope, recovery and happiness into the fabric of these societies by integrating published materials with video, audio and Internet media throughout the world. And we will raise money for a non-profit fund to provide the financial assistance necessary to start survivors of childhood sexual abuse on the path to recovery “one” survivor at a time.

What I've seen of the website so far impresses me. Anyone who has been abused is encouraged to explore the site and write in if they wish. Professionals and others who have expertise or interest are also welcome to participate in the ongoing work of the Foundation.

If you were sexually abused as a child or know anyone who wishes to learn about sexual abuse and healing, this resource might be helpful.

Sexual Abuse: A Powerful Secret

2010-07-16T00:30:00.003-04:00

Friday, July 16, 2010

People who have been sexually abused or assaulted experience a wide range of feelings. Depending on the circumstances, it is very common to feel some or all of the following:

confusion
shame
physical pain (often, but not always)
fear, terror
despair
anger, rage
guilt
disgust
sadness
loneliness
disconnection from self
isolation from others
hatred
depression
dread
shock
desperation
a belief that she or he deserves the abuse
betrayal
abandonment
a desire to protect siblings from the abuse
guilt and/or relief when another sibling gets abused instead
denial
responsibility

This mix of responses to sexual abuse can be truly overwhelming. In addition, this terrible "package" is wrapped up in a powerful layer of secrecy. This secrecy might be conveyed by the abuser directly: "Don't tell anyone, or you'll really pay." Even when such threats are not spoken out loud, most victims feel so overwhelmed with the above feelings that they don't know how to tell or whom to tell. In many cases, they do not have the words to describe their experiences, or they can't see how anybody would believe them.

And so the secret gains power.

If no one knows about the abuse, no one can stop the abuse or help the victim. If it continues, the victim often finds ways to just keep getting up each day and trying to live as "normal" a life as possible -- school, play, work, relationships. He or she finds ways to cope after the abuse ends, too, and learns to believe it's been dealt with.

And so the secret gains power.

The years go by, and the terrible memories go deeper and deeper. Outward ways of coping, such as addiction, promiscuity, workaholism, depression, suicidal thoughts are blamed for life problems instead of being seen as very human long-term responses to earlier abuse, degradation and neglect.

And so the secret gains power.

Though this sort of pattern is common for many, it does not have to continue. At any time, someone who has been victimized can tell someone else about what happened. It is never, ever too late to tell. It's never too late to reach out and grab a helping hand. It's never too late to begin recognizing the past for what it was -- somebody else acting out his or her need to control.

The secret loses its power when you talk about the abuse. Telling is rarely easy at the beginning, but you can learn the skills needed to heal.

Over the years, I have often talked openly about the sexual abuse I lived with as a child. I have talked just as openly about what I've done to heal. Nearly every single time, someone has come up to me afterwards and said, "I never told anybody, but that happened to me, too."

And so the secret loses its power.

I encourage you to talk about what happened to you. It is not your fault if someone abused you as a child or assaulted you as an adult, and you no longer have to carry it alone.

Please talk to a counsellor, spiritual leader, police officer, friend or anyone you feel you can. If that person doesn't know how to help you, talk to someone else. Not everyone knows what to say or how to help, but many people do. And those people are ready, willing and able. Give them a chance to help you end the power of the secret.

How to Use This Blog

2010-07-09T00:30:00.017-04:00

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Now that I've had my blog going for a year, it might be a good idea to pass on some pointers for using it. I didn't do so before, as I wanted to work the kinks out; plus, life has happened in difficult ways this winter, so I'm just getting back into the swing.

I have been delighted to discover how much I enjoy keeping this blog. Its eight sections are:

blog posts -- Most of these are dated. In each post, I offer information, suggestions, and resources to help with relationships, healing and personal growth. At the bottom of each post you'll see the small green word "comments." I would love it if you'd click that link and leave a comment, telling what you thought of the post or how it helped you. I do my best to respond to every comment. Below the comments, you'll see the labels -- or main topics -- covered in that post. Posts are located on the left side of your screen. Everything else is located on the right side of your screen.
A Helping Hand -- This is where I introduce myself and give an overview of my blog's purpose.
Contact -- This section gives four ways to reach me or learn about me, plus a list of the types of services I offer.
Blog Archive -- Here you'll find a chronological list of all my posts. Click on any year or month to see what I wrote during that time; then click on any titles that interest you.
Links -- This brief list offers links that I think are relevant to this blog or which I wish to support by mentioning them here.
Labels -- This long alphabetical list helps you find information or support on a particular topic. The number beside each label shows how many posts refer to that label. To explore a topic, just click on the green word (such as "abuse" or "responsibility"), and you'll be taken to a page in my blog which shows every post using that label. To return to the most current page of my blog, just click the header (Kate Thompson on Manitoulin) or the Refresh button on your browser.
Followers -- These are people who check into my blog regularly or who want to show support for the blog. To become a follower, which requires nothing of you, click the "Follow" button near the top of this section. A new window will open that takes you through a very brief sign-up process. If you do this, I thank you! If you don't, I still thank you for checking out my blog.
Twitter Updates -- Though I've fallen behind this winter, you can connect to me easily on Twitter by clicking those links. I'd love to hear from you there or any way mentioned in my Contact section.

I hope you've found this explanation useful. I invite you to bookmark my blog in your Favourites or to follow me. Maybe I'll be able to lend you a helping hand sometime, or maybe your comments will be useful to someone else.

Thanks for stopping by.

The Reality of Sexual Abuse

2010-07-07T16:10:00.001-04:00

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

In past months I have written a number of posts about sexual abuse and assault. (To find them, scroll down the long, alphabetical list of Labels in the right-hand column of this blog page. Click on "sexual abuse/assault.") In those posts, I've defined sexual abuse and described common feelings people have when they are abused in this way. I've offered resources to look into.

As I've also said before, people of all ages, genders, educational levels, financial backgrounds, religions and cultures experience sexual abuse. These photos represent this diversity. As sad as they are, I encourage you not to turn away. The sadness, shame, confusion, loneliness and fear you see in these faces reflect the reality for many. If you find these images and words difficult to take in, imagine what it is like for those who have experienced the abuse themselves.

Do not leave them alone with their pain any longer.

Current official statistics indicate that 1 out of every 3 females experiences sexual abuse before the age of 18. One in every 6 males does, too. Many who work in the field believe the numbers are higher, but due to the power of this terrible secret, many victims never disclose the abuse they endure.

No matter what the numbers may actually be, here is a way to turn the stats into human reality. Think of any common setting in which you find yourself on a regular (or irregular) basis -- the grocery store, church, work, an airport, etc. Stop and look around. Count off every third or or sixth person in that place and realize that the chances are very good that you are seeing the number of people who have been or will be abused sexually.

Every third or sixth person in your community has been touched sexually without giving permission; or has been forced to look at sexual pictures against his or her will; or has been raped; or has been forced to perform sexual acts on another person or an animal; or has been exposed to some form of unwanted sexual touching or activity.

Every third or sixth person has felt so terrified, betrayed, threatened and confused that she or he cannot tell what has happened. He or she may not even have words to describe the abuse, even if they wanted to try.

Every third or sixth person you see around you is doing his or her best to carry unbearable memories deep inside...and still live daily life as "normally" as possible.

If you have never encountered sexual abuse yourself, you may find it hard to believe, accept or face. But be assured, sexual abuse is a regular, nightly, daily occurrence around the world. In your town. Probably on your street. You owe it to yourself, your loved ones and your community to learn about sexual abuse. Find out what you can do to support healing for those who need it.

Healing is absolutely possible!

If you are one of the people I am talking about, give yourself huge credit for making it this far. You're not as alone as you may feel. You are not to blame. You can learn to understand what happened to you and deal with your difficult and overwhelming feelings.

Everyone can make choices to help themselves and others move forward. Talk to a counsellor, trusted friend, police officer or religious leader. Read about sexual abuse online and in books.

You do not have to carry this alone.

July - Warmth & Well-being for 31 Days

2010-07-01T22:13:00.002-04:00

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Today is Canada Day for me and just about Independence Day for Americans. As I've said in other first-of-the-month columns this year, I have mixed feelings about some holidays. However, I am grateful to live in this country. Canada is, of course, not perfect, but Canadians enjoy many freedoms and opportunities. I feel grateful to live here. It is the land of my heart, though not the land of my birth.

So, as I begin a new month with thoughts of gratitude and celebration, I offer these other July observances for your consideration:

Freedom From Fear Of Speaking Day - July 2

For many who have been abused, neglected or otherwise discounted, it can be very difficult to speak up. So much of what I believe in and write about has to do with undoing degrading messages. One part of this undoing is starting to speak up for yourself. As with many personal changes you choose to make, you might find this one easier to kick-start with small changes. Say "no" when asked to do a chore you really do not want to do. Don't just go along with the crowd that does something you disagree with. Tell someone you trust how you really feel about a difficult topic or decision. On July 2 give yourself the challenge and the chance to speak up and speak out.

Take Charge Of Change Week - July 9-15

Click on this link, OnlineOrganizing.com, to find tips and resources for making change in various aspects of life.

Toss Away The "Could Haves" and "Should Haves" Day - July 15

Here is another great chance to change your thinking about yourself. For this one day, July 15, remind yourself not to say or even think the words "could have" and "should have." These words are so loaded with shame, guilt, blame and regret. What's more, the words and the thinking behind them drain away the energy you could be using to stay in the moment, to feel, act and think positively.

World Youth Day - July 15

See my comments below about National Make a Difference to a Child Month. Honour the young people you know and encounter. Be willing to drop your assumptions about them. Encourage their questions and support their efforts. Love them, respect them, enjoy them.

Parent's Day - 4th Sunday of every July

Visit the American National Parents' Day website at http://www.parentsday.com

Mental Illness Awareness Month

Social Wellness Month

Purposeful Parenting Month

Family Reunion Month

National Make a Difference to Children Month

The other day I wrote about Dr. Gabor Maté, a physician working with addicts in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside. Maté states that every female and many of the males he has worked with who have serious addictions were abused as children. I have seen the same correlation between childhood trauma and addiction. So please, please make a difference to one child this month (for starters). Speak out against childhood sexual abuse. Learn how to spot the symptoms of abuse. Love the children in your sphere by offering them consistent care, respect, smiles and safety. Be a trustworthy, safe adult so children have someone to go to with their struggles and questions. DO NOT SHAME CHILDREN. Don't laugh at them when they make mistakes or do something differently than you think it should be done. Allow for individuality and teach them solid practices. Don't guilt or coerce them into compliance. Do what you say you will do. Make a difference to the children around you.

Dr. Gabor Maté on Addiction

2010-06-26T10:48:00.000-04:00

Saturday, June 26, 2010

In Vancouver's Downtown Eastside, a doctor by the name of Gabor Maté works with the people who live there. Many of the people are addicted to heroine, crystal meth and other serious drugs, and Dr. Maté has spent years learning about addiction, about people who become addicted (to anything), and about ways to increase understanding and healing.

I have followed Dr. Maté loosely since I heard him interviewed on CBC radio a year or two ago, and I'm impressed by both his work and his approach to addiction and the people ensnared by it. His is not an attitude of blame or social expediency. With what I call a compassionate, scientific approach, Dr. Maté has studied the brain and the lives of the addicts he encounters and then marries his understanding of both to reach an explanation for addiction that makes sense and invalidates blame.

I encourage you to look into Dr. Maté's work; explore his website and read his books, not all of which deal with addiction.

In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts -- Close Encounters with Addiction

When the Body Says No -- The Cost of Hidden Stress

Hold on to Your Kids -- Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

Scattered Minds -- A New Look at the Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder

Word Wonder -- communicate

2010-06-20T00:30:00.000-04:00

Sunday, June 20, 2010

1. To cause another or others to partake of or share in; impart. 3. To convey knowledge of; tell. 5. To transmit or exchange thought or knowledge. 6. To be connected. [from the Latin communicatus and communicare, meaning "to share" which, in turn, comes from communis, meaning "common, public, general."] -- Funk & Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary and Dictionary of the English Language - an Encyclopedic Reference

Although "communicate" and its derivatives are ordinary words, I decided to check them out anyway, since communication is such a fundamental part of human existence. Their ancient Indo-European sources are the roots mei-, which means "to change, go, move" and ko-, meaning "together." Now, I am most definitely not a linguistic scholar, but I do enjoy learning and "feeling" and supposing about the paths our words take as they form and change.

So when I learned that communicate and its cousins come from ancient words that mean "change, move, and together," I explored in my heart and mind and gut for connections and threads of meaning and intention. In addition, the fact that "communicate" comes from the word "common" reminds me of the normal, everyday interchanges among people (and other beings) that can work for our common good.

When two or more beings communicate, a relationship, however brief, is shown to exist. One expresses, while another receives. Both/All parties feel emotions, think thoughts, choose actions. We communicate with our thoughts, hands, spirit, words, computers, hearts, ears, eyes, gestures, posture, pen and paper, hands, actions, tears, smiles, scowls, voices, choices, feet, and creations.

Communication brings change, as it connects us to one another. When we impart to another what we think, feel, or want, we are changing the relationship, no matter what the listener's response is. Communication can be risky. It can bring healing. It can help people move forward together.

Communication can, of course, also be used with the opposite intention, that of disrupting connections and causing separation, distrust, and harm. We all experience times when we talk to someone who is not actually listening or paying attention to what were conveying. We've all witnessed or been part of exchanges that were intended to hurt or cause damage.

What do you communicate to others about yourself? Do you tend to clear the air or muddy the waters? Do you see communication as a way to get your ideas across or as a way to build relationships, contribute to understanding, encourage growth? How do you get your ideas across -- with anger or with calm? How fully do you listen when others speak to you.

Maybe today you'll consider your listening and expressing in a new light. Every single one of us can improve in this crucial part of life. Researching and writing about this topic opens me to being more mindful in my communication. How about you?

Helpful Resources

2010-06-17T13:52:00.002-04:00

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I will periodically tell you about valuable resources for relationships, personal growth, and healing. One such resource is New Harbinger Publications, the house that published the book I co-wrote with one of my brothers, Bill Klatte. Our book is entitled It's So Hard to Love You -- Staying Sane When Your Loved One is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted and offers help to anyone dealing with troubled, troubling, or troublesome loved ones.

New Harbinger was a perfect fit for us because they specialize in books that offer help with communication, personal growth, healing, physical and mental wellness, relationships, and so on.

Their solid publishing reputation is demonstrated in this tiny sampling of their titles:

Relationship Saboteurs -- Overcoming the Ten Behaviors that Undermine Love, by Randi Gunther Ph.D.
Fearless Job Hunting -- Powerful Psychological Strategies for Getting the Job You Want, by Bill J. Knaus Ed.D., Sam Klarreich Ph.D., Russell Grieger Ph.D., Nancy Knaus Ph.D.
10 Simple Solutions to Panic, by Randi E. McCabe Ph.D., Martin M. Antony Ph.D.
Visualize Confidence, by Kirwan Rockefeller Ph.D.
ACT with Love, by Russ Harris MD
Messages, by Matthew McKay Ph.D., Martha Davis Ph.D., Patrick Fanning
A Woman's Addiction Workbook, by Lisa Najavits
Caring for Your Grieving Child, Martha Wakenshaw
The Anger Workbook for Teens, by Raychelle Cassada Lohmann MS, LPC

I encourage you to check out New Harbinger's extensive catalogue. You may very well find something helpful for yourself or someone else.

Great Observations for the Rest of June

2010-06-11T12:22:00.002-04:00

Friday, June 11, 2010

As I try to get back into the swing of things since my knee replacement, and as I'm able to stay up without falling asleep every ten minutes...I offer you some of the worthy celebrations and observances for the rest of the month.

At the top of my list is Abused Women and Children's Awareness Day, which is today. What can you do today (and in days to come) to become both more aware and more proactive to help women and children who are being, or have been, abused?

If you are one of those women or children, I urge you to ask someone for help. Actually, ask as many people as it takes to get support and help, which can make such a difference in your life. I know this to be true from my own experience.

Here is the rest of the list for June. I can't imagine any negative impact that could come from becoming more active in some way or from praying for or sending loving energy to those included in the observances below:

Family Awareness Day - June 18
Universal Father's Week - June 18-24
Father's Day June 20
Let It Go Day - June 23
Celebrate Your Marriage Day
Gay and Lesbian Pride Month
Effective Communication Month
International People Skills Month
International Men's Month http://www.menshealthweek.org/
Children's Awareness Month
Rebuild Your Life Month

And let me pass on to you three observances that are just too good to be true: National Candy Month (who besides a dentist could argue with this one?), National Rivers Month, and get this...Carpenter Ant Awareness Week June 21-27. I urge you to become more informed and aware of the challenges facing carpenter ants in these troubled times.

Re-entering Blogland

2010-05-31T16:35:00.000-04:00

Monday, May 31, 2010

This is my first post in two weeks or so, but it feels good to "be back." I had a total knee replacement done three weeks ago, and I had no idea I'd need so much rest time after the first week in the hospital. Naps are my new pastime, it seems.

The surgery went very well, and I'm recovering very well, too, I'm told by the experts. I'm extremely grateful to live in a place where such a surgery is not only possible, but excellent. My aftercare in the hospital and here at home have been wonderful. My new knee is great, and my tired, foggy brain is slowly clearing.

I look forward to getting back to posting on a pretty regular basis now. Talk to you soon.

Choose not to Compare

2010-05-14T00:30:00.001-04:00

Friday, May 14, 2010

In my morning mental meanderings today, something brought to mind a thing that often happens when someone is going through a difficult time. At least one person will say something like, "Well, think of all the people living in war-torn countries or so-and-so who just lost his whole family, or...," etc. etc. You've probably heard it. Maybe you've said it yourself.

People who say such things intend to help. They think that by getting your mind off your troubles, you'll feel better. They think that if you're reminded of how much worse life can be, your troubles won't seem so bad. Unfortunately, I don't think that's how it works. Statements like these may distract the afflicted person for the moment, but that's not necessarily a helpful part of healing or of dealing with what's going on. In addition, these statements encourage everyone to ignore difficult feelings like sadness, grief, anger and so on. As I've written before, ignoring hard feelings doesn't make them go away; it just makes them go underground. Later, they may very well emerge as headaches, depression, colds, back troubles, cancer, rage, self-pity, and many other peace-blocking symptoms.

So this morning, it occurred to me that one benefit might be found in the statement, "It could be worse. Look at so-and-so's problems." That benefit could be to recognize that in this physical life on this earth, troubles are not uncommon. They happen every day, and they happen to regular people, people just like you and me. So since we're all equally human, there's no reason to expect total lifelong freedom from difficult times. I suppose there might be people who never face calamity and loss, but I don't know too many, if any.

The other possibly helpful part of such statements is to remember that there's no quota on loss and pain. I don't know why, exactly (though I have some theories), but I do believe that's the case. I have certainly, definitely felt like I've had my share, but that doesn't seem to be how it works. When I feel like I'm getting more than my share, I remind myself there's no such thing as "shares." And this is not a depressing thought. I refuse to think and live like a victim anymore. I choose instead to be honest about my hard times and how they affect me. I choose instead to accept that other people will make choices that sadden me or cause me pain...and that I can choose how to deal with that. There is nothing about my "me-ness" that exempts me from experiencing the full range of being human.

Are pain and loss excruciating at times? Yes. Do I wish they'd go away? Yes. Do I sometimes feel like I can't take anymore? I sure do. At those times, I rely on a loved one or my spiritual source to get me through. Some days I can only manage to put one foot in front of the other until it's time to go to bed. I sometimes decide to temporarily ignore my rotten feelings and just keep busy...but I make sure that as soon as I can, I unbusy myself and deal with my feelings.

I do not advocate comparing ourselves and our troubles to someone who is "worse off." However, if you hear such words, you can use them to remember that all humans are human and that we always have choices about how to deal with our humanity.

Playing Around with Gratitude

2010-05-12T00:30:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

You’ve probably heard of having an “attitude of gratitude.” Well, I’m all for that. Noticing what's going on around and within us and then expressing gratitude feels good. We’re more likely to help others, have more physical energy, and worry less. Express your thanks to whomever or whatever you want; I believe that's less important than the decision to look for something to be grateful for.

I started playing around with the phrase "attitude of gratitude" and came up with a bunch of other kinds of “-itudes.” Just for fun, consider the following:
Gladitude – making happiness a habit

Raditude – being far out, man!

Gonaditude – deciding to make a baby

Baditude – Whoa! Get outa the way!

Maditude – ticked off all the time -- Grrrr......

Saditude – Even when there’s nothing wrong, I feel blue.

Daditude – Father knows best. OR Your daddy loves you. You pick.

Faditude – Cool...at least until it goes out of style

Haditude – stuck in the past

Caditude – what a jerk

Paditude – home sweet home

Plaiditude – Gotta love those Scottish prints.

Straditude – There's only one violin worth playing.

Taditude – always chopping life into tiny little bits

Aditude – what you need to make it in an ad agency

Additude – avoids subtraction whenever possible

Mothers & Families

2010-05-09T00:30:00.009-04:00

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Today is Mother's Day in many parts of the world. With a varied history in North America and elsewhere, this day of honour and celebration is observed for various reasons -- familial, political, societal, emotional. It is also celebrated at different times; in fact, July and September seem to be the only months in which it is not celebrated somewhere.

A related holiday called National Family Month is sponsored by KidsPeace, an American "private charity dedicated to serving the behavioral and mental health needs of children, families and communities." National Family Month is celebrated annually from Mother's Day to Father's Day and "encourages family relationships and focuses on developing healthy, confident kids."

Holidays such as these strike a strange chord within me. They remind me a bit of Valentine's Day, which I wrote about on February 13th and 14th. The concept is great: love and honour the ones around you, and demonstrate your appreciation.

What gives me pause is that the reality on the other 364 days of the year often doesn't match the concept on the one day. Mothers (and non-mothers) are still being beaten, manipulated, raped, marginalized, and descriminated against 365 days a year. Children are getting the same treatment on the same days. Some fathers get the same treatment, as well. Even with so much social programming and nice little holidays, families are in big trouble. Individuals are in big trouble.

However, ranting solves nothing (as satisfying as it can be once in a while). On the other hand, actions -- one person's actions -- can solve something. I can do my own healing and recovery work so that I no longer carry the shame that others shovelled onto me when I was a child. I can accept responsibility for my own choices. I can show kindness to my mother, no matter what happened in the past. I can forgive a father whose harm to me is incalculable...because I have shaped new beliefs about life, relationships and myself. I can honour and enjoy my children, stepchildren, and grandchildren for the worthy beings they are. I can extend a hand to the fathers and mothers I know, especially when they're having tough times.

These actions are the best way I know to truly honour myself and others as mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, children, and so on. Not that a sweet card and a fistful of flowers does any harm. They just mean so much more when they're backed up by action during the rest of the year.

May You Celebrate!

2010-05-04T15:33:00.000-04:00

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A great many people must pull out all the stops once spring truly arrives. How do I know this? Well, aside from my own experiences with springtime bliss, there's the incredible number of observances and celebrations that take place in the month of May! After I excluded those which don't in some way apply to relationships, healing or personal growth (plus the irresistibly quirky one or two, plus those that apply to books and writing), I'm still left with over thirty celebrations for the month. Amazing.

Though I'm a little late getting this posted, here's part of the short list of celebrations and observances for the month of May. May you observe them with solemnity or joy or whatever sort of honour you wish to bestow. Click on the links below to learn more.

Mental Health Week in Canada: Click here to play a brief public service announcement about Canadian Mental Health Week.
Mental Health Month in the U. S.: "Mental Health America continues its tradition to celebrate "May is Mental Health Month" which began in 1949. This year, our theme "Live Your Life Well" challenges us to promote whole health and wellness in homes, communities, schools, and inform those who don't believe it's attainable."
Older Americans Month: "The mission of AoA is to develop a comprehensive, coordinated and cost-effective system of home and community-based services that helps elderly individuals maintain their health and independence in their homes and communities."
Heal The Children Month: "To encourage survivors of childhood abuse and neglect to speak out. By revealing their painful experiences, they can inspire others to prevent children from suffering the same ordeals."
Meditation Month: Check out this page of links where you can learn more.
National Foster Care Month
National Teen Self-Esteem Month
Family Wellness Month

It seems a particular shame that I was late with the May observances, because May 1 was Stepmothers Day, at least in 2006, when I was as much a stepmother as I am now. I like the idea of there being a special day for stepmothers. Even the wicked deserve a break now and then.

Three other special days I missed on May 1 are Loyalty Day, School Principals Day and...wait for it... Join Hands Day. I hope you joined hands with somebody on Saturday. But it's not too late. You could do so today, too.

To finish off, I encourage you to pat a puppy or enjoy an elephant this week during Be Kind to Animals Week, from May 2-8. And it's definitely not too late to show your gratitude to somebody's teacher from May 2-8, because this is also Teacher Appreciation Week. While you're at it, please, please celebrate this: Get Caught Reading Month.

So, I urge you to celebrate, congratulate and appreciate this month. It's a great time of the year to do them all.

What do YOU think? #2 - Credit

2010-04-30T14:40:00.002-04:00

Friday, April 30, 2010

"Do or do not...there is no try."

These words were spoken by Yoda, Jedi Master in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. Yoda was speaking to Luke Skywalker. Though I have never reached Master status in the Empire or anywhere else, I agree with Yoda.

It can be so easy to say we'll try to be less grumpy or more helpful or whatever. The trouble with trying to do something is that we have a built-in excuse if it doesn't work out. "Well, I tried. It's not my fault." Maybe not, but trying is not the same as doing. Trying can generate a sort of whiny feeling inside us, while doing engenders a feeling of strength...whether things work out or not.

If you want to change your attitude, then just do so. If you want to learn something new, get started. "Trying" is too tentative, and it can keep us from fully going after something. So listen to the Master: "Do or do not. There is no try."

What do YOU think? #2

2010-04-29T00:30:00.001-04:00

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Here's another quote for you to think about. What do you think the speaker meant? Do you agree or disagree? Do you know others who agree or disagree?

"Do or do not...there is no try."

In tomorrow's post, I'll give you the name of the person who made this brief little statement. In the meantime, you might want to mull it over.

Sweet 16? Not Always

2010-04-28T15:52:00.002-04:00

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

For the past three Mondays, I have caught parts of a radio program broadcast on Ideas in the Afternoon, a current affairs program of the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation). The program was called "It's a Teen's World -- wired for sex, lies, and power trips," and it gave a disturbing and forthright view of teen life, by teens, in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. The implication is that many teens in North America (and perhaps around the world?) experience and exert similar pressures regarding sex and bullying -- which seem to go hand in hand for many.

Although my work is usually with adults, I feel it's important to point to this recent broadcast because of its implications for teens, their parents and for the adults those teens will become in a few short years. Sexual harassment, pressure, bullying and abuse have become commonplace, at least for many teens. The ineffectiveness of saying "no" is disturbing, especially in light of the education that many parents have had through the media and their own educations in the 70s, 80s and 90s. What is causing the apparently huge disconnect between these kids' current experiences and those of their parents? What is to be done to help teenagers find ways to openly and effectively deal with the huge pressures many of them live with?

Journalist Lynn Glazier has done an excellent job amplifying the voices of the young people who made this documentary with her. I strongly encourage you to listen to what they have to say. Click here to read about the three segments and to listen to them.

And then, whether you have teens in your life or not, give some thought to how you can help. Listen more carefully to teenagers. Find out from them what sort of help and support they need. Don't be naive, but also don't assume every adolescent deals with the sexual pressures portrayed in the documentary. Ask questions. Don't assume you know what their lives are like based on your own adolescent experiences. Don't assume you know what teens want. Listen to the answers. Find out if and how you can help...and then do those things. Keep at it for the long haul, as challenging as that might sound.

If kids and teens are going to have a chance to enjoy satisfying and successful adult relationships, they need to find ways to build respectful, fun and interesting relational foundations now.

Word Wonder -- resilient

2010-04-26T09:30:00.002-04:00

Monday, April 26, 2010

1. Springing back to a former shape or position. 2. Capable of recoiling from pressure or shock unchanged or undamaged. 3. Elastic; buoyant. [from the little-used English word "resile," which is pronounced "re-zile" and comes from the Middle French word resiler. That comes, in turn, from the Latin resilire, meaning back (re-) and to leap (salire)]

So picture this. You stretch an elastic rubber band a little and it will, indeed , leap back to its former shape (or so close to it that no change is visible). Stretch it a number of times, and it will still be resilient enough to return to its former shape. But if you stretch it far enough and often enough, it will not be able to keep its elasticity. The rubber band will begin to show stretch marks. It might become unusable. When overtaxed, it will even break.

So it is with human beings. When trouble strikes, we are often resilient enough to bounce back, to return to our former selves. Whether we do so on our own, or with help from other people or a spiritual source, we can resume our former views and activities, with little or no lasting harm done.

However, when we are stretched repeatedly -- through abuse, illness, calamity, or loss -- we can lose at least some of our resilience. When that stretching is intensified by violence, chronic pain, malicious intent or other factors, the ability to bounce back decreases. If this goes on for a long time, we can be changed irrevocably, perhaps reaching a point where we simply cannot go back to our former hope, health or happiness.

However, the comparison has to end here. We are not rubber bands, limited by our physical nature. In fact, we aren't limited by our emotional or mental natures, either. Human beings are often able to endure and surpass terrible troubles. Many somehow become more able to adapt and better equipped to move forward. No one knows why this is so, but many people know someone, or are the someone, who has done so. Though we may never know all the factors make some people so resilient, here are a few:

support from others Be a helper. Reach out to somebody who's having a hard time. If you're the one having a hard time, learn to ask for help. We are social beings who flourish when we feel a sense of belonging and value; mutual support adds to those feelings.
a positive attitude By focusing on your preferences and brighter outcomes, you will automatically spend less time mired in loss and disappointment. Picture yourself smiling, being relaxed, feeling good, instead of investing in your sadness, stress and despair. Hope grows when we invest our energy in positive outcomes. Confidence grows when hope grows. Interest and ability thrive in confidence.
spiritual connections There is no prescription for this. You can foster belief in a god and a religion, or meditate, or allow the deep quiet inside you to grow by being with little children or in nature. Spiritual connection can come from creating or from enjoying others' creations. In any form, a sense of connectedness strengthens and deepens human beings.
acceptance This is a tricky one, because some people equate acceptance with giving up or losing. They are not the same. Acceptance is related to trusting in a larger reality, a reality that can handle individual problems and roadblocks and apparent failures. Acceptance includes a belief in a better outcome, no matter how current circumstances look. It implies a sense of connectedness. On the other hand, giving up implies loss and a lack of value in oneself or the experience. It feeds and is fed by despair and isolation. Accept what is, rather than focusing on what if?.
gratitude Appreciation helps us stay present in the moment, helping us notice what's going on inside and around us. A state of gratitude makes us stronger and better able to deal with difficult times.

These four factors are more complex than this, and more could be added to the list, but this isn't a book, so I'll have to leave it at that. In any case, you can increase your own resilience. It can take a short or a long time, but it is our nature to mend. What have you bounced back from in your lifetime? What will you do to increase your resilience?

Rethink Popular Sayings

2010-04-18T15:07:00.001-04:00

Sunday, April 18, 2010

When someone is going through a tough time, or when talking to our children, we often offer advice in the form of common sayings: Look on the bright side. God must have needed her more in heaven than we need her here. Every cloud has a silver lining. Life is short. It takes two to tango. Practice makes perfect. Though we mean well when we say them, we often use such sayings without even thinking much about their meaning or impact.

The trouble with this lack of thought is that it renders many such sayings useless or even harmful. They've become such clichés that they do little more than briefly disturb the airwaves -- unless they actually do damage. How can well-intended words harm anybody? By setting up unrealistic expectations, by glossing over a specific situation, or by ignoring the feelings of the person you say them to. Here's a closer look at few of the sayings I've sited above.

Look on the bright side. This saying is meant to help people focus less on the problem and more on hope and improvement. That's great...most of the time. But sometimes, before a person can look for the positive, happier possibilities, she needs to feel the sadness, anger or disappointment. She might first need somebody to listen so she can process the problem, which is an important part of moving forward. By tossing out this cliché, we might be ignoring what's actually going on for her right now, which can actually make it harder to move forward. Instead, ask questions about what happened and how she's feeling. Give her time to process events and feelings and be available, if you can, when she's ready to start looking on the bright side.

God must have needed him in heaven more than we need him here. When someone is grieving, it can be very hard to know what to say; we're afraid we'll make someone feel worse by saying the wrong thing. In some cultures and communities, grief is "supposed to" be expressed only briefly, if at all. Many of us don't like how we feel when somebody is unbearably sad, so we trot out clichés by way of comforting both of us. But the idea that God needs somebody in heaven can feel pretty irrelevant when your friend is in shock, horror and disbelief about his loved one's death. Offer your friend your caring presence, comfort and simple foods when he's grieving. If you're not sure what to say, silence is an excellent substitute.

Life is short. Intended to aid appreciation and endorse our choices, this saying is actually pretty negative. How about replacing it with something like this: Life is rich, so I choose to enjoy and appreciate it.

Practice makes perfect. A few years ago, I rewrote this saying to read "practice makes better" because the original form sets up unrealistic expectations. Of course, the intention behind "practice makes better" is to encourage effort and determination, which are admirable. However, it also gives the impression that if you try hard enough and are good enough and work, work, work, you can someday be perfect. For many, that's a scary prospect. We can be very good, we can become experts, but perfection can feel too huge to many, so they give up before they even start. Thinking of practice making us better keeps improvement within our grasp.

So, slow down and pay attention to yourself and others. Think about what you say before you say it, and you'll be of genuine help.

Change, Change, Change

2010-04-13T14:34:00.001-04:00

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

For many years, I've heard advice telling me to be proud of myself and my accomplishments, to toot my own horn. Up until a couple of years ago, that was very hard for me to do, because even when I felt proud about something I'd done (and feeling healthy pride took me years), the toot-my-horn advice I've heard as an adult would crash into the don't-brag advice I'd heard as a child. Noisy mess, that.

But three years ago my first book was published with a mainstream publisher, and I had to learn to promote it. And, therefore, to promote myself. That was very hard because I felt so shy about the project and the accomplishment of our goals. I wrote the book with one of my brothers, who'd already published a book, so I don't think he had the same qualms about his second one.

Despite my shyness, though, I had to learn to mention it to people, because it was a helping book, and I wanted it to help people. So I learned, first, to respond when others asked about it. I learned to call libraries and set up talks I would give on the book's topic -- dealing with difficult relationships. My natural friendliness and enjoyment of public speaking helped me move to the next level of mentioning the book when people would ask what I'd been doing lately. I got used to hearing myself talk about the writing and publishing process and about my gratitude for the book's success.

It didn't take long for me to recognize that some big changes were taking place. I now talk comfortably (and gratefully) about this accomplishment and about the book that followed it and the one that's in the works now. I learned to feel comfortable with using gifts I'd been given and with receiving attention because of them. I still do internal doubletakes at what's going on, but I enjoy what I'm doing, and I love being able to write stuff that helps somebody in any way -- by encouragement, with a laugh, a good cry, whatever. It turns my crank.

So for me the moral of the story is to continue to be open to change, whether it takes place in myself or in the world around me. If I choose to, I can continue evolving, and -- good news -- I can enjoy it. Change can make me bitter, resentful and stuck in the past, or it can help me be more interesting, useful and conscious. I definitely prefer the latter. What do you choose?

What do YOU think? #1 Credit

2010-04-08T00:30:00.002-04:00

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Yesterday I started a new column called What do YOU think? in which I will quote someone I think has something interesting to say. I may or may not agree with that person, but that is not the point. I offer each quote to stimulate your thoughts and feelings.

Yesterday's quotation: "For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day, and from hour to hour. What mattters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general, but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment."

These words were written by Austrian Viktor Frankl, who lived from 1905-1997. He and his family were arrested and taken to a concentration camp in Bohemia. Frankl wrote the book A Man's Search for Meaning. Learn more about Viktor Frankl by following this link.

What do YOU think? #1

2010-04-07T00:35:00.001-04:00

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

What do YOU think? is a new occasional column I’m featuring on my blog. We so often see quotes by famous (and maybe not so famous) people, and though I think they’re meant to spark thoughts and feelings in the reader, I’m not sure that’s always what happens. Not with me, anyway.

Here’s what does sometimes happen with me. I read a moving or stimulating quote that sets off some feeling or thought in me, but then I read who uttered those sage words. And then I find it too easy to lose track of my reaction in light of the quoted person’s stature. I might dismiss my own response as being less valuable, or I might just be too lazy to pursue my own thoughts because I immediately accept the quoted person’s viewpoint. After all, s/he’s the expert...

So, I’m going to post quotes related to healing, relationships and personal growth, but I’m going to wait until the next day to give the person credit or mention when the statement was made. I encourage and challenge you to simply take the words at face value. Consider your own opinion, your own experience, your own interpretation. Write or talk about your response. Give yourself credit for your own viewpoint. Check back the next day, if you like, to see whose ideas you’ve been responding to.

What do you think?

#1
“For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day, and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general, but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment."

April Showers & Other Good Things

2010-04-06T11:28:00.002-04:00

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

It’s a little hard to believe April is here already, let alone nearly a week gone. It’s also a little hard to believe – and somewhat disappointing – that I couldn’t find any April celebrations sillier than April Fool’s Day. Guess that one has to carry the month. I hope you played a good joke on somebody.

Anyway, I've been unexpectedly without computer access for several days, so I’m running a bit late with my monthly list of observations. But here they are, listed with any websites I could find, in case you’d like more information.

• Sexual Abuse Awareness Month -- This link lists a Google search for this observation.

• Alcohol Awareness Month (http://www.ncadd.org)/ -- an American site

• Counseling Awareness Month (http://www.counseling.org/) -- the American Counseling Association

• Eating Disorders Awareness (http://www.anad.org/) -- website for the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Eating Disorders

• Conflict Awareness Month

• Informed Woman Month

• National Child Abuse Prevention Month

• Couple Appreciation Month

• Reconciliation Day - April 2

• National Siblings Day - http://www.siblings-day.com/ -- a Google search page listing many links

So, I hope you have a great April. Whether you follow any of these leads to relationship and personal information, I urge you to listen to yourself and others. Open up to change and to feeling better. Learn and do what you can to become a happier, healthier, more centred you.

April Fool's Day

2010-04-01T11:06:00.000-04:00

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Flash back to April Fool's Days in the '60s. My brothers and I would get up early and play tricks on our dad -- sugar in the salt shaker, salt in the sugar bowl. We thought we were so clever! Then we'd short sheet somebody's bed or "string" somebody's room. Stringing involved a very large ball of string which we would tie to any available space...starting at the back corner of the bedroom. Then we'd wind the string around curtain rods and drawer handles, working our way backwards towards the door. There was a LOT of criss-crossing of string until we had a giant spider's web that ended on the doorknob. The better we were, the more tightly tied everything was, and the harder it was for the victim to get into his or her room. Great fun!

What's neat about these memories is that they exist.

Even in the messes of our often messy family life, we did have good times. It's important for me to remember that. Learning (and being willing) to do so helped me when I started to deal with the bad times.

I encourage you to look for the good times in your past and your present. Be real and honest about the messes, but don't focus on them so much that you're blind to the blessings.

And Happy April 1. Play a friendly joke on somebody. Smile when somebody plays one on you. I believe it all evens out in the end.